Savvy Girl, A Guide to Etiquette (19 page)
Read Savvy Girl, A Guide to Etiquette Online
Authors: Brittany Deal,Bren Underwood
Tags: #table manners, #thank you notes, #social etiquette, #entertaining, #dating etiquette, #thank you note etiquette, #bridesmaid etiquette, #maid of honor etiquette, #how to shine as your best self, #tech etiquette, #modern manners, #win friends, #etiquette expert, #proper social behavior, #respect, #social conduct, #charming, #etiquette advice, #good manners, #wedding etiquette, #move on over Emily Post, #polished, #self-help, #etiquette guide, #build confidence, #how to be your best self, #guest etiquette, #manners, #hosting, #host etiquette, #elegant, #being a great guest, #nice people, #social media etiquette, #the power of appreciation, #Etiquette
[
BRITT:
One of the best things I have learned in my twenties is to speak highly of others. I remember realizing one day that while I thought it felt good to point out others’ flaws, I actually walked away feeling
worse
about myself. When I made the commitment to quit gossiping, and stay silent when others gossiped, I noticed that I walked away feeling
better
about myself. People say that we tend to judge in others what we most harshly judge in ourselves. Remember that the next time you start swapping “secrets” and there’s a good chance you’ll stop.
]
Have you ever received a compliment (“Your hair looks amazing, I love the waves!”) only to downplay it (“Oh, but it’s so big and frizzy.”)? You know you have. Embracing compliments is not most people’s strong suit.
And what about the times you gave someone a compliment and they barely acknowledged your kind words? It probably made you feel that you were wrong to extend praise.
Compliments can make us feel wonderful about ourselves and even strengthen our relationships. But sometimes it can be tricky to give and receive them, whether it’s because we are too hard on ourselves or because we don’t know how to respond without feeling like we are showing off.
Follow this advice to make it a bit easier to dole out as well as drink in (or simply accept) both compliments and criticism:
•
When complimenting someone, be genuine as opposed to giving a compliment just for the sake of giving a compliment. Fake flattery is easy to spot.
•
Use details when giving a compliment, such as, “I love that sapphire-blue dress on you. It brings out your eyes.”
•
Compliment more than just someone’s looks. Example: “Jackie, I’m in awe of the way you always make me feel so at home in your house!”
•
Saying “Thank you” is enough.
•
Try not to downplay yourself or brush off the praise as no big deal.
•
Elaborate on your gratitude for the compliment by saying something like, “Thank you—it’s my grandmother’s recipe and has been a family favorite for years.”
•
Offer a reciprocating compliment only if you mean it, not because you feel obligated.
•
Take a big breath and
accept
the criticism. You may not agree, and that’s OK; however, it’s best to be open-minded and hear the person out.
•
Digest the information before responding. What you initially view as negative could actually be helpful advice.
•
Accept the information without getting defensive. Even if you end up dismissing the criticism, getting defensive won’t ever help you.
What would we do without good friends, right? Life is filled with cheers and tears, and friends make the good times sweeter and the hard times more bearable. That’s why it’s so important to make an effort to foster each friendship you have.
Your besties have seen you at your best and, more important, worst, which is why they deserve good etiquette in return. After all, it’s good manners that help us make friends
and
keep them. So, to strengthen your current friendships and cultivate lasting relationships with new buds, here are tips for how to be a great friend:
•
KEEP TRACK OF SPECIAL DAYS
. Jot your friends’ birthdays and anniversaries down in your day planner or add them to the calendar. Facebook is also a stellar resource for birthday and anniversary reminders. Also, birthday texts are lovely, but phone calls are better.
•
MAKE TIME FOR THEM.
Life gets busy. But you can’t let your friends always play second fiddle to your job, relationship, family obligations, and so on. Whether it’s a weekly catch-up call with a friend who lives out of state or a standing brunch date with a friend who lives down the block, you have to carve out time for the people you love most in this world.
•
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT.
Sometimes your friends might need a shoulder to cry on. Other times, they’ll want you to support them for the happy events in life. Being there for them through both the highs and the lows shows them you care.
•
KEEP THEIR SECRETS.
If a friend tells you something in confidence, respect their wishes by keeping the conversation between the two of you and not sharing it with others.
•
BE A GOOD LISTENER.
When chatting with friends, try not to make the entire conversation about yourself. Ask how they are doing, and be an active listener when they fill you in on their news.
[
BRITT:
How much do you know about your friends’ lives? Do you know how many siblings they have (and their names)? Where they grew up? What they studied in college? What they do at their job all day? If you can’t answer these questions, call up your friend, go to lunch, and ask. It will be fun, and you’ll love feeling like you know your friend better.
]
It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you know experience a hard time, be it a death in the family, divorce, or serious illness. While you may not be able to do anything to fix the situation, you
can
be supportive, loving, and encouraging by doing the following:
•
REACH OUT.
Call, text, or e-mail—and let your pal know how sorry you are for what they are going through. They may not answer the phone (leave a voice mail) or respond to your e-mail or message. However, your reaching out will mean they’re in your thoughts. Additionally, if they share the news via e-mail or a text, respond in the same way and give them a little space before you call—they may not be up for talking on the phone just yet. Keep in touch and periodically check in, as the grieving process takes time, and it’s important that your friend never feels forgotten.
•
SEND FLOWERS.
Whether you arrange a lovely bouquet yourself or send an arrangement through a local florist, flowers will always bring a smile to someone’s face during a difficult time. (Skip the flowers that come in a box and need to be put together by the receiver.)
•
LEND A HELPING HAND.
Ask if you can drop off a comforting home cooked meal or a favorite take-out dinner. When dropping off the meal, see if there is anything else you can do to help, such as helping clean up (dishes, laundry, etc.), taking the dog for a walk, running any errands, or even babysitting for a couple hours.
•
LISTEN.
Sometimes people just need a shoulder to lean on or the chance to talk, so show your support by offering to simply listen. Be sure to keep the focus on the person in need (in other words, don’t bring up your own personal tragedies), and don’t pry. Your friend will share the details if and when they’re ready.
•
CHECK IN DOWN THE ROAD.
There is a lot of support that comes during the first week or two, but the ones dealing
with the difficult time continue to struggle for months, even years. Check in with them down the road with a phone call, or by being there to listen or to keep them company.
What do you do if your friends aren’t there for you?
If you’re going through a tough time and you’re disappointed by a friend’s lack of compassion, wait a moment before you write that person off. Sometimes people don’t know what to do for you, so they don’t do anything at all. Also, some people’s way of being helpful is to give you your space. If that doesn’t seem like a possibility, and instead you conclude that your friend is more concerned with his or her own life, or only wants to be friends with you when it’s convenient for them, then you might need to reevaluate the friendship. Meet with your friend to chat about it, and let them know (in a non-attacking way) that your feelings were hurt. More than likely, they’ll apologize for being MIA when you needed them, and your talk will strengthen your friendship.
[
BRITT:
Also, when leaving a voice mail or sending a text or e-mail, mention that there is no need to get back to you, and that you are simply there if your friend needs anything. After the death of our loved one, we were so touched by all of the incredible support we received, but we didn’t have the time to get back to everyone because of how busy it was coordinating the funeral arrangements and helping other family members. It was helpful to know that I could call a friend back later, and that she understood why my response was delayed.
]
