Say You Want Me (25 page)

I allow myself this comfort. I cling to him, to us, and to the ache that binds us together.

After we both collect ourselves, Wyatt calls for the nurse. She explains the process to me and lets me know what I can expect. There’s no way to truly prepare, I don’t think. How does a person ever ready themselves to say goodbye to their child?

No, I never held her and never heard her cry. I didn’t get to tie her shoes on her first day of school, but I loved her.

I named her in my heart.

I carried her in my belly.

And I gave her everything I could.

Now I have to say goodbye to her.

“W
E’LL SEE YOU BACK AT
the house?” Mrs. Hennington asks.

“I really just want to go to bed.” I sit on the grass, picking the blades around me and wishing I could float away in the wind.

It would be so easy to drift, letting the breeze take me where it wants to go. Instead, I’m sinking deeper into the ground.

Wyatt, his parents, Presley, Zach, and Trent all stand around, looking unsure of what to do. Today we buried our daughter. This was the last thing we needed to do. The hospital explained that in doing this, we’d start to heal.

They’re full of shit.

It’s been eleven days since the accident, and it’s not getting any easier to accept what’s going on.

I’ve sat and cried, waded through unbelievable anger, and I’m slipping into numbness. Wyatt tries. Lord knows he wants to fix this, but there’s nothing he can do.

We buried Faith Emma Hennington under a big oak tree on the Hennington farm. She overlooks a beautiful hill with a small pond. It’s peaceful here, and I find some tiny amount of solace that she’s surrounded by beauty.

“Okay, sugar. I’ll stop by tomorrow with some food.” She crouches next to me. “I love her, too.” My eyes snap up. “There is nothing in this world like a mother’s love. Not a single man can ever understand the depths of that. I know you’re in pain. I’ve never lost a child, but just imagining it—”

Macie Hennington is the most caring woman I’ve ever known. Everyone here today is feeling some level of sadness. They fought to get me out of that car, they cried when they found out we’d lost Faith, and they’ve been at the hospital day in and day out.

This little family is struggling right now.

“I never imagined it would hurt this much,” I admit.

She cups my chin. “The minute you accepted that you were going to carry that baby was the minute she owned your heart. You grieve, Angie. You feel what you need to feel, but let us be here.” Macie kisses my cheek and wipes her own tear.

Presley curls up next to me as the three brothers stand in a circle off to the side. After a while, I lie on her lap, and her fingers brush my hair back. We don’t have to say a word. That’s the beauty of true friendship. She continues to run her fingers through my hair, allowing me the quiet. Tears fall, simply because I don’t know how to stop them.

They explained my hormones would go through the same rapid changes they would if I had delivered at full-term. Apparently, a body doesn’t know the difference between bringing home a baby and having to bury one. I sway from one extreme to another, but mostly I stay in the bleakness.

“We’ve lost a lot the past few years,” she speaks softly.

“I’d like it to stop.”

“You don’t know your own strength until you’re forced to face it.”

I tilt my head to look at her. “I’m doing the best I can.”

Presley shakes her head quickly. “You’re doing great, babe. Listen, I don’t want you to freak out, so I’m telling you now.”

I roll on my back and wait for it. Presley’s lips turn down, and she sighs. “Zach and I decided to put the wedding off another two months.”

“No!” I wince. “Please not because of this.”

“It’s not. I promise,” she reassures. “We have a lot going on with the horse farm and with being sued by Felicia for wrongful termination. It’s better if Zach and I don’t actually marry before that’s cleared. So, after speaking to the lawyers, we decided to push it back two months.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes. We already live together, and he’s my husband in every way other than on paper.”

I close my eyes and smother the tears. It feels as if everything is falling apart. I really hope the accident isn’t the reason. I knew Felicia was going after Zach, but I figured she’d drop it after his team of lawyers threatened to countersue.

My mind drifts back to the hell we all endured when my brother killed himself. It was like that one single event tripped a wire, and we all got hit with shrapnel.

“Do you think we’re going to struggle like we did with Todd?”

“I hope not.” Presley returns to playing with my hair. “Do you remember when I was sitting around the house after he died?”

She was a ghost. Presley would answer if she was asked a question, but she’d completely lost herself. It was as if she’d died along side of him. “Yes.”

“Don’t let the pain over run you. I can only say this to you because you’re my sister, my best friend, and I love you. I’ve been right where you are. I’ve felt the pain so deep I wanted to let it consume me. I did let it.” Her eyes hold mine. “You made it stop. You forced me to dig deep and breathe again. Don’t get lost, Ang. Don’t let it eat y’all alive. You lived, don’t let her death be in vain.”

Presley stands, brushes the grass off her legs, and then helps me up as well. I know what she’s telling me is coming from a place of love, but I’ve never felt like this. “How? How do I move on from this?”

Losing Todd was completely different. He was an adult, and it was his choice. This wasn’t. This was a terrible accident that altered the future I thought I would have.

“By living. By loving someone. By forgiving yourself, Wyatt, and anyone else you blame. For understanding that the time you did have was precious. Look at what you’ve learned. Look at what you’ve found.” Her eyes move toward the guys.

She doesn’t get it. Wyatt may have been falling in love with me, but he truly loved the baby. She’s gone now. I have no idea what any of this means for us, and honestly, I don’t have the wherewithal to care. I was supposed to be leaving here in a week anyway. Clearly, I can’t drive with a broken wrist and staples in my stomach, so I’ve had to postpone it.

“Now that there’s no baby between us, I don’t know if there even is an us,” I say, feeling a new wave of sadness. “Is this what you felt like when Todd died? Just empty and as if you’d lost everything?”

Presley’s eyes shine with unshed tears. “I did lose everything. I lost my husband, my business, my home, my best friend, and the life I built. I faced every single fear I’d ever had. I was stupid, in pain, and miserable.” She glances at the guys and then back to me. “When I got here, Wyatt was who was there for me. I didn’t know Zach was in Bell Buckle, but Wyatt was on my farm. He kept showing up, making me leave the house, forcing me to find my footing back in a place I didn’t want to be.” She smiles and it’s both warm and sad at the same time. “Then, as if he knew I was ready before even I did, he pushed me into Zach’s arms.”

“He was distant and cold before the accident.” I remind her. “He could’ve realized he wasn’t reciprocating what I was feeling.”

It was what held me back from saying anything to him. He was being closed off and almost angry. He wouldn’t talk or do any of the things I’d come to love about being around Wyatt.

She looks out at the horizon. “Guys are weird. Country boys are a whole new level. Wyatt has never had a real relationship, neither have you.”

“I had Nate.”

She snorts. “You had a guy who was a friend. Someone you didn’t even glance at when you left for here. You didn’t love him. It’s not even close to this relationship.”

“The only reason I came here was because I was pregnant. That’s it, Pres. I have my business back in Philly that I have to think about. Without having the baby anymore . . .” My chest aches. “I don’t know if he even wants to try.”

Presley shakes her head. “You accuse me of being dense.”

“We’ll figure it out.” My eyes drift to him. “Maybe not today or this week, but when we can think clearly . . . maybe then we’ll see where we stand.”

“Hi, sugar.” Mrs. Kannan says as I let her in.

“I was wondering when you were coming,” I push the screen door open for her. “I guess you drew the short straw for today’s visit?” I give a mangled smile.

“No way! I wanted to see you, darlin’. I’ve missed you. Plus, I made a casserole and thought you were the perfect person for it.”

I chuckle. “Oh boy.”

We walk into the kitchen where there are about ten casseroles and a half dozen pies lined on the counter. That doesn’t count the ones filling the fridge.

“It seems I’m behind the town,” she muses. “Well, mine is better.”

“I’m sure it’s perfect.”

Mrs. Kannan makes herself comfortable at the table. I grab two plates, forks, and the pie that I was eying. I’m intending to eat all of my emotions today. Luckily, I’m in no shortage of baked goods or feelings.

She looks into the living room and back to me. “Is Wyatt here?”

It’s been three days since we buried Faith. Three days of Wyatt being barely able to look at me and refusing to say more than a word or two. Sure, he sits on the couch with me, but he’s careful not to be too close. Then, once the awkwardness is thick enough to cut, he’ll head out to the ranch and stay there until I’m asleep.

He’s shattered, and I don’t know how to heal him.

“He’s working,” I explain and shove some pie into my mouth.

Mrs. Kannan nods. “How are y’all holding up?”

I give her the very brief version of how everything is fine. I’m sure she’s not fooled, neither are Presley or Mrs. Hennington, but I don’t want to analyze it. He’s grieving. I’m grieving. There’s no right or wrong way to handle this situation. He seems to need more time alone, and I’m doing my best to respect that.

I’m the opposite, though.

I need people.

I haven’t been alone for more than a half hour. When Presley see’s Wyatt’s truck leave, she rushes over. If she can’t be here, someone else shows up out of nowhere. It’s foreign to me that I’m craving people. I’ve been independent my whole life, but right now being alone leaves me with nothing to do but think. My mind wanders down paths that it doesn’t need to seek. I get caught up in the “what ifs” and “could’ve beens”.

“I know that it gets better with time. It did with my brother.” I play with the fork as I think through how I feel right now. “I know it takes a while before you get back into your groove, but everything feels unsettling.”

Mrs. Kannan takes my hand in hers. “Of course it does, honey. You were preparin’ for a life that isn’t going to be anymore. I know it’s a lot to handle, but you’re doing it. You’re healing in a lot of ways right now. It’ll get better. You and Wyatt love each other, and you’ll work it out.”

“Do we?” I ask. “I mean do we really? I would’ve never been in Bell Buckle if it weren’t for the baby. He would’ve lived his life just fine.”

Her brown eyes widen. “Don’t think like that. I know you’re confused, but don’t you doubt what the two of you share. I saw it with my own eyes.” Her hand slaps against the table. “I’ve been around that boy since he was an infant. I’ve never in all my years seen him look at a girl the way he looks at you. It’s not a test of love when things are good. It’s how you handle things when times are bad.”

If that’s the case . . . we’re failing. Things can’t be much worse for us right now, and he’s withdrawing. “He won’t talk to me.”

“Then you make him talk.”

I’ve been putting off the talk about where we, as a couple, go from here. Part of me is afraid of what words will be spoken. If he doesn’t return my love, can I withstand another devastation? I don’t think I can. Between the healing my body is doing, the hormones that are wreaking havoc on my system, and Wyatt’s mood . . . I can’t.

I would rather suffer in silence than be deafened by the truth.