Saying Goodbye, Part One (Passports and Promises Book 1) (14 page)

I shook my head. “Not after what just happened.”

Gabriela took my hand. “He was trashed, Sam. He had no idea what was going on.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

I brought my bag into the room, and now it seemed a bit like a slumber party as we put on our pajamas, and cleared our faces of all traces of makeup. We sat in a row on the giant bed, our backs against the headboard. Gabriela, in the middle, rested her head on my shoulder. The only light in the room came from a small lamp on the bedside table.

We locked the door. I didn’t want Dylan barging in during the night and scaring Gabriela. I didn’t want to see him at all. He would be drunk and smelly and want to have sex. The idea made me ill, but it was about more than just the drinking. I still hadn’t recovered from the incident at the party, the way he’d supported Zach instead of taking my side. He knew what had happened to Gabriela, and he should never have defended her attacker, even if he was completely drunk. Max, on the other hand had been a complete hero. Gabriela seemed to think the same thing.

“I’m glad Max punched him. And I can’t believe Mary Grace stood up for me. I didn’t think she even liked me, but I’ll actually miss her next year.”

“When did you decide you wanted to go home?” I asked.

She sighed, playing with the edge of the comforter. “I’ve been thinking about it since it happened, but tonight it seems so clear. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’ll be so hard to leave you guys, but I know my own limits. I just can’t do this.”

“If Zach weren’t here…” Bethany began, but Gabriela interrupted her.

“It would be a different story, but he is here and he’s not going to leave. I’m making the right decision, B. Trust me.” She turned to me. “What happened tonight with Dylan? He acted so…crazy.”

“Dylan has…issues and he gets a little out of control when he drinks.”

“A little?” She snorted. “He was talking to one of the potted trees in the lobby, Sam.”

“He was?”

She nodded. “And it appeared they were having an argument.”

Bethany’s eyes met mine. She knew almost as much about Dylan’s mental health history as I did, and even she looked surprised. He’d told me about the depression and the anxiety. I’d learned alcohol and Dylan didn’t mix well. Now, it appeared he hallucinated or became delusional, too. I was way out of my league here, and scared about what might happen next.

We turned off the lights and chatted until Gabriela and Bethany started dozing off, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept picturing Dylan on the dance floor staring up at the chandelier, mesmerized, as he waved his arms like he had wings. Other people had laughed, thinking he was just drunk or acting silly, but I saw the truth in the hollow depths of his dark eyes. It wasn’t just the alcohol or whatever he’d smoked with Max. Something seemed terribly wrong.

The guys returned a few hours after Gabriela and Bethany fell asleep. I was still awake. I’d been tossing and turning, waiting for them to come back but worried about what might happen when they did. Greg and Max tried to keep Dylan quiet, but his voice echoed throughout the suite.

“Where is she? I need to find her. I need Sam. She’ll make everything okay.”

To my horror, I realized he was sobbing. Max murmured something to him. I couldn’t make out the words, but I recognized the coaxing note in the soft rumble of his voice. Whatever he said seemed to soothe Dylan enough that they got him into his bedroom and shut the door.

I lay awake a long time, wondering if I should check on him, but I didn’t want to see him at the moment. I slept fitfully and woke just as the sun started to rise. I dressed quietly, not wanting to disturb Gabriela or Bethany. Bethany slept on her stomach with her blond hair covering her face like a veil. Gabriela was curled up in a ball on her side, and even in sleep her eyebrows were pinched with worry.

Zach McGaffrey had done this to her, and Zach was the reason she had to leave. The idea filled me with rage, and the way Dylan stood next to him last night was something I didn’t think I could ever forgive.

I picked up my bag and put my dress over my arm. I’d packed it in a garment bag on a hanger. I left the room, closing the door softly behind me. I couldn’t lock it, but I hoped Dylan would be sober and lucid enough this morning not to bother my friends.

I paused when I saw Max sleeping on the couch right in front of our room. I was going to tiptoe past him, but his eyes opened and he looked at me. Max had bedroom eyes, and there was nothing more luscious than seeing him all rumpled and drowsy. He stretched, and gave me a sleepy, sexy little smile.

“Good morning, Sam.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He yawned. “It’s okay.”

“Why are you sleeping out here?”

He shrugged. “Dylan was a little messed up last night. I was afraid he might try to bother you guys.”

“Oh.” He’d protected me from my own date.

He looked at my bag. “Where are you going? The limo won’t be here for hours.”

“I’ll get a cab. I can’t stay. I don’t want to see him. Last night…” I took a deep shuddering breath. “Thanks for punching Zach.”

“It was my pleasure. He’s a douchebag and deserved it.”

I shifted the bag in my hands, staring down at my toes. “It meant a lot to Gabriela.”

He nodded. “But did it mean a lot to you?”

My face shot up, and once I looked at him I couldn’t turn away. “Of course it did.”

He stared at me with those sexy eyes the color of caramel and I knew if I didn’t leave right away I would end up kissing him again. Max grinned, probably reading my thoughts. He knew me well. I couldn’t hide anything from him.

“Goodbye, Max,” I said as I rushed to the door.

“Goodbye, Sam. What should I tell Dylan?”

I paused, my hand on the doorknob and my back to Max. “Tell him whatever you want.”

“Are you breaking up with him?”

I looked over my shoulder. Max rubbed a hand over his closely cropped dark hair, something he always did when he was worried about something.

“I don’t know.”

He let out a long breath. “Be gentle with him, Sam. He’s…different.”

“Yes, he is.”

I left the suite, closing the door softly behind me, and ran all the way to the elevator, my feet barely making a sound on the plush carpet. By the time I got to there, tears ran down my cheeks. I pressed the down button over and over again until the doors opened and I stepped inside. When the doors closed behind me, I leaned my head against the mirrored wall and sobbed.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

I
knew he’d come to see me, but I didn’t think it would take so long. Late Sunday night, he finally showed up. He called and asked if we could talk. I found him sitting under the tree on the bench outside the Theta house, the leaves falling around him. I sat down next to him, and it took a while before he spoke.

“It wouldn’t be enough to tell you I’m sorry.”

His face was pale, paler than I’d ever seen it, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked terrible, but at least he was clean, calm, and sober.

“No, it wouldn’t.”

I’d spent most of the day crying, and the rest angry. Now I just felt numb.

“Last night…” he began, and then cleared his through. “I can’t remember very much of it, but I know from other sources I was a complete ass.”

“You drank too much.”

“It wasn’t just that.” He kicked away a stone with the toe of his shoe, and then turned to look at me. His eyes no longer had that hollow, empty look. They were filled with pain and sorrow. “You know I take a lot of medicines, right?”

I nodded. “I saw them in your bathroom.”

“Some of those don’t interact well with alcohol.”

“Then why do you drink?”

He shrugged. “Because I like it? I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m fine. Last night, I wasn’t.”

“You were pretty messed up on my birthday, too.”

He raised a dark eyebrow at that. “I seem to remember we were both a little messed up.”

I winced. “Fair enough. But last night was different.”

“It was.” He let out a long sigh. “I smoked beforehand. With Max. I think that’s why things got so out of control.”

“You stood up for Zach when he insulted Gabriela.”

His body got very still. “Zach was there?”

“Yes.” I gave him a steady look. I couldn’t decide what scared me more, the way he’d acted or the fact he didn’t remember any of it.

He straightened out his long legs and hunched his shoulders. “There’s no defense for what I did, other than to say I had no idea what was going on. I was basically out of my fucking mind. I don’t even remember going down to dinner.”

“You didn’t even seem buzzed at that point.”

“And then, without any warning, I was trashed?” he asked and I nodded. “That’s because of the medication. I feel nothing, and I think I have it under control, then…”

“It’s out of control?”

“Yes.” He stood up, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “I assume you don’t want to see me again, but I thought I should explain and tell you how sorry I am that I ruined your night.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to see you again.” I hugged my arms around my body. “You scared me.”

I thought about other things, too. The way Dylan had to tap his fork three times to his plate before he ate. The way he cleared his throat when he got nervous. The way he had to rearrange his books and papers over and over again whenever we studied together. The way his moods could swing from elation to sadness to elation once again. I should have seen his problems were greater than I anticipated. I’d assumed his time at the mental hospital cured him, but I watched him get a little worse every single day, and I ignored it. I had no one but myself to blame.

“I feel like you’re changing, Dylan. Day by day. Bit by bit. I don’t know who you are anymore. Sometimes you’re
my
Dylan, my sweet, wonderful, thoughtful Dylan, and sometimes you’re a person I’ve never met. I can’t understand it. I don’t know what to do.”

I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry in front of him, but I did anyway. He fell to his knees in front of me and gathered me into his arms.

“Please, Sam. Give me one more chance. I won’t drink. It’ll be like it was before. I promise.”

I leaned back and studied his face. I knew the best thing for me was to end it right now, but I also knew that could be the worst thing for Dylan. He had problems. Serious problems. Scary problems. As much as I didn’t want the responsibility, I was the only thing keeping him on track. It terrified me, but what might happen if I broke up with him frightened me even more.

“Can you really do that?”

He stroked my cheek with his hand. “For you, I can do anything.”

He kissed me, and I sensed everything sweet and good about Dylan in that kiss. He begged me, with his lips, to forgive him. I wasn’t quite there yet.

I took his hand in mine. “I don’t want you to do it for me.”

“You don’t?” His voice had just a trace of panic in it.

“No. I want you to do it for yourself. And one more thing.” I took a deep, shaky breath. “If Zach is in your life, I can’t be. You have to choose. Zach or me.”

His relief was almost palpable. “Well, that’s an easy decision. You. I’d always choose you. Does this mean you’ll give me another shot?”

I nodded, and he held me close, clinging to me like I was a life preserver and he a man lost at sea.

He didn’t ask to come up to my room, which was a good thing. He didn’t ask me to come home with him either. Instead, he kissed me goodnight in front of the Theta house and went home alone.

For the rest of the week, he was the perfect boyfriend. He sent me flowers. He made me a card. He told me funny stories and packed me picnic lunches. It was almost too cold to eat outside, but we bundled up in sweaters and sat on a warm blanket, surrounded by leaves.

During one of these picnics, he lay back on the blanket and stretched out, staring up at the clear blue sky. “I love fall. It’s my favorite season.”

“Me, too.” I curled up next to him on the blanket.

He laughed. “Of course. Your birthday is in the fall.”

“When is your birthday?”

“Valentine’s Day.”

“You’re kidding.”

He shook his head. “February fourteenth. It’s true.”

“That is a
great
birthday.”

“I’m glad you approve.” He pulled a leaf out of my hair. “It’s usually a tough month for me. I don’t do well in the winter. It’s too cold and dark. It makes me…worse sometimes.”

“Oh.”

I didn’t want to think about the possibility of Dylan getting worse. I wanted to ignore it and pretend everything would be fine.

“It’ll be even harder this year, since you’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll fly over to Japan and surprise you so we can spend Valentine’s Day together.”

I gave him a smile, but I couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “Maybe.”

Dylan, mercifully, changed the subject. “We’re having a Halloween party at the Sig house Saturday.”

I rolled onto my stomach and lifted myself onto my elbows so I could look down at Dylan. “I know.”

He played with a stand of my hair. “Can you come?”

I shook my head. “I can’t. Gabriela…”

He turned to his side, resting his head on his hand. “Zach won’t be there. He’s going home this weekend. I guess news about his behavior reached his father’s ears. Mr. McGaffrey is not happy. The university is getting involved. Also, someone reported him to Sigma Alpha Alpha headquarters. His status is currently under review.”

“Really?”

Relief flooded over me. Maybe Zach would finally get what he deserved. Maybe Gabriela’s life could return to some semblance of normal. Maybe the knot of hatred lodged in my chest ever since she’d been raped would ease eventually. I’d been powerless for weeks. I wanted revenge, but mostly I just wanted those feelings to end.

“Really. Do you think Gabriela would come, since he won’t be there?”

My shoulders slumped. It would be a great party, but I questioned whether Gabriela was emotionally ready or not. Her therapy had been going well, and she loved her support group, but she still had scars no one could see.

“I’m not sure.”

“Let me know.”

I picked up a leaf and turned it around in my hand. A Japanese maple, brilliant and red. I sat up and tucked it into my book.

“Are you sure you can handle going out, Dylan?”

He came close to me, so close I felt the warmth of his body and caught a hint of the familiar smell of his aftershave.

“I won’t drink. I promise.”

It turned out the problem with Gabriela was solved before it even really materialized. She stopped by the Theta house on her way back from class and told me she’d be going home for the weekend.

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s the Day of the Dead, a Mexican thing. We have to do some family stuff. Also, I need to talk with them. I’ve decided to press charges against Zach.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Gabs?” I tried to keep my expression neutral.

She nodded. “More than sure. I’m stronger now, and I’m not scared anymore. I’m mad.”

I had to press my lips tightly together to keep from crying. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Don’t be,” she said. “I should have done it a long time ago. I decided to do it after I had a long talk with one of the other girls in my support group. Zach…hurt her, too. She’s already filed charges against him.”

“Dylan told me something was going on. He said Zach was in big trouble. Even the fraternity is investigating him.”

“Good,” said Gabriella. “But my friend feels super guilty she didn’t do something sooner. She kind of blames herself for what happened to me.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. “The only person who should feel guilty about that is Zach.”

She leaned against me and I caught the sweet scent of her hair. “I know, but I don’t want to ever feel the way she does. I don’t want to have that sort of guilt on top of everything else. I’m not the first one he hurt, and if I don’t do something about it I won’t be the last. I’m going home to talk to my parents about it this weekend to let them know. They wanted me to do it from the start, but I just wasn’t ready. I am now.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. I’d been so preoccupied with Dylan I hadn’t realized any of this had been going on. I was officially the worst friend ever.

“I’m sorry, Gabriela. I should have been here for you.”

She looked surprised. “You were. Always. It’s just that…” she paused, letting out a sad sigh. “The girls in my support group are different. They’ve been through this, too. They understand.”

I put my head on her shoulder. “Stay for Halloween. We don’t have to go to the Sig party.”

She shook her head. “I’m not in the mood this year, but I want you and Bethany to have fun. I know it’s your favorite holiday.”

“It won’t be the same without you.”

“I’ll bring you back some food. Promise.”

She gave me a gentle nudge with her arm, obviously trying to cheer me up, which was ridiculous. I should be the one cheering her up, but she always beat me to it. 

I sighed. “I do love your mom’s cooking. I think I might love it even more than Halloween, which is saying a lot.”

“What are you going as this year? A witch? A DZ?”

Last year, I’d gone as a member of one of our rival sororities, Delta Zeta. I’d worn a blond wig and put the letters “EZ” on a pink and green sweatshirt just to be mean. It hadn’t gone over well. The ladies of Delta Zeta still hated my guts.

I frowned. “I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Bethany and I decided to go as pirates, a little generic, but a safe choice. I wore a short, pleated mini-skirt and high black boots. Bethany had on tight black pants. We both wore loose white shirts and had one giant hoop earring in our ears. Bethany found a black eye patch and tied a brightly-colored scarf around her waist. I had one holding back my hair. Bethany bought some silly plastic swords at a nearby shop. We decided to forgo scars and blackened teeth and dress as cute pirates instead of nasty pirates.

“I wonder about the historical accuracy here,” I said as I adjusted my mini-skirt. It was shorter than what I usually wore, and the high-heeled boots made me look even taller. Bethany barely came up to my shoulder, even in heels.

“Well, you look adorable,” she said. “And so freakishly tall. I hate being short. I wish I could steal just a couple of inches from you.”

We saw Emma before we left. She waited for us with a bunch of the new Thetas, and they’d all dressed as Hogwarts students. They even had broomsticks. Adorable. I stole a minute to chat with her privately.

“I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about the formal.”

She looked confused. “Which part?”

I winced. “All of it. My boyfriend, the stuff with Gabriela…” I let out a long sigh. “If you don’t want me to be your Big Sister now, I totally understand. I wouldn’t judge you for it.”

She looked at me in surprise. “Are you kidding me? After seeing the way you stood up for Gabriela, I want you as my Big Sis more than ever. And how your boyfriend behaved isn’t really your fault, Sam. You can’t help that he got wasted.”

I gave her a hug. “Thanks, Em.”