Scars of the Future (24 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

I was moved into the maternity ward not too long after that, and we had barely made it to my new room when I was demanding to see my daughter. Dr. Eaton agreed as long as I went by wheelchair, so Matt transferred me to one and pushed me down the hallway towards the NICU.

Our friends had been kicked out when visiting hours ended, and they had promised that they’d be back first thing in the morning to meet Olivia.

Matt wheeled me through a door where they made me wash my hands and put a sterile cover over my gown. There were three babies in that level of the NICU, including Olivia, and when Matt pushed me towards her isolette I felt instantly calm at her little presence.

“Ms. Franklin, Mr. Thomas. I’m Dr. Grant.” A friendly woman smiled and shook my hand before taking Matt’s. “I’ve been overseeing your daughter’s care since she came in. This is the lowest level of the NICU, which is great news. Olivia is breathing on her own, and although her APGAR scores were low, she seems perfectly healthy for a thirty-two weeker. We’re giving her supplemental oxygen for now because her lungs are slightly underdeveloped. We are also going to be giving her nutrition by tube until we’re sure she can feed on her own. The best thing right now, though, is plenty of skin on skin contact- especially between mom and baby. Are you going to breastfeed?”

I nodded, my eyes not leaving the little beauty in front of me. “Yeah, I want to.”

“Great. Let’s try that now. Thirty-two weeks is right at the threshold for their suck reflex, so she’s close. She might take, she might not. She might take and not be very good at it. We’ll keep trying and hope to have her nursing within two to three weeks.”

A nurse instructed me to pull down my gown before picking Olivia up and handing her to me. She helped me get situated and I held Olivia to my bare chest. As her soft skin met my own, a blanket was wrapped around my middle to keep her warm.

“What are all the wires for?” Matt asked, looking at the doctor.

“Most are just monitors right now. All a precaution. One of them is the feeding tube and then we also have the oxygen. She’s a good weight for a preemie, and she’s in overall great health. Right now we’re just keeping an eye on her. I’m hopeful she can go home in a couple of weeks.”

I gasped, staring at the tiny baby. “She’s doing it.”

The nurse laughed. “She sure is. That’s fantastic. Her latch is a little lazy, but we’ll work on correcting that.”

Matt and I sat in the NICU for hours, just holding her to our bare chests. One of the nurses and another mom enjoyed watching Matt remove his shirt, and I couldn’t help but fall in love a little more as he held Olivia close. A nurse finally kicked us out when she saw how tired I was and told us we could come back in the morning.

Another nurse supervised as Matt placed me back in the bed, and he made up the little couch bed for himself. I sighed, feeling the weight of the day hit me hard.

“She’s okay.”

Matt nodded, laying on the little bed and reaching for my hand. “You’re both okay. I need my girls. When Patty called and told me you’d been in an accident, I thought my heart stopped. I went straight to the hospital, but you weren’t here yet. For the next thirty minutes, I paced with Sydney as we waited for you to come in. You being stuck in that car was scary from this side, too. The worst part was not being able to be there for you. I could seriously kiss David for everything he’s done.”

I slowly pushed my blanket off my legs and moved from my bed until I was settled next to Matt on the little couch bed. He didn’t protest but instead helped so my IV line didn’t get tangled up in anything. I let my head rest on his shoulder and he cinched his arms around me like a vice.

Neither of us spoke again and we both fell asleep like that.

It had been a long night.

A doctor had come in and forced me out of Matt’s arms so that she could examine me for a few minutes. Every ninety minutes afterwards someone else came in to poke and prod me and getting any amount of decent sleep was impossible. By the time they allowed me in to see Olivia the next morning, I was more exhausted than I had been the previous night. It wasn’t until Matt promised he’d stay with her that I let him wheel me back to my room so I could try to nap.

The two and a half hour nap felt like magic, and when I re-awoke someone familiar was standing in the room with my chart in his hands.

“Dr. Fields.”

The older man looked up from the paperwork in his hand and smiled at me. Dr. Fields was a nice guy, but he was also a constant reminder of all of the tragedy that had happened in my family. His presence was as comforting as I imagined the Angel of Death’s would be. He pulled the glasses off his face and tucked them into the pocket of his white jacket. Over the years his hair had grayed to the point where it no longer matched his brown eyes.

“Good morning, Amanda.” He flipped the chart closed and sat at the foot of my bed. “Did I wake you?”

I adjusted the bed so I was sitting up and rubbed my eyes tiredly. “I don’t think so. Even if you did, it was a much better wake-up call than the ones I received last night.” I looked down at the chart in his hands. “What’s up?”

Dr. Fields also glanced to my chart with a slight smile. “Well, when one of my patients decides to slam her head in a plate of glass, I feel like I should come check it out.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and his smile fell, not that it had been a real one anyway. I knew the difference between his pity smiles and his real ones.

“They sent me over your MRI from yesterday. While there isn’t any damage from you hitting the window, they did have a concern. There appears to be something foreign in your temporal lobe and I want to get another scan to focus on that.”

I bit my lip as tears filled my eyes. I thought about the two people who were down the hall, each of them holding a piece of my heart. I couldn’t stand the thought that something may threaten the time I had with them.

As if he could sense I was thinking about him, Matt strode into the room with a smile on his face.

“She opened her eyes, Manda.” His face was a mask of excitement and I couldn’t help but smile as he came around to grab my hand. “They’re that deep, newborn blue, but they are so big. I’m going to have to invest in a few baseball bats to keep the boys away.”

Matt glanced at me, then to Dr. Fields, and back to me. A frown appeared on his lips and the grip on my hand tightened. “What’s wrong?”

Dr. Fields looked at me, as if asking my permission, and I gave a quick nod before he spoke. “Hello, I’m Dr. Fields. You must be Amanda’s significant other.”

“Matt Thomas,” Matt replied as he quickly shook Dr. Fields’ hand. “What kind of doctor are you?”

“I’ve been Amanda and Karen’s neurologist for about nine years. I was also Steve’s neurologist before he passed away.”

“Oh,” Matt said quietly. He looked at me, confused. “Why do you need a neurologist?”

A tear trailed down my cheek and Dr. Fields explained his role in my life to Matt. How my family potentially had a genetically fatal form of cancer. How he had been monitoring me for signs of that cancer for over eight years. How we were keeping watch for signs of early onset Alzheimer’s. With each explanation, the color drained a bit more from Matt’s face. It was when Dr. Fields mentioned the MRI from the day before that his face turned completely white.

“So, now what?”

“Now,” Dr. Fields said. “Now we do another scan. Let’s not get ourselves worked up until we know we have to be, okay?”

I nodded and Dr. Fields mentioned putting in the order for the MRI before excusing himself from the room.

We were both quiet for several moments and the only sounds were hospital noises from outside the room.

“I’m sorry, Matt,” I whispered, clutching his hands in my own. “I’m so sorry.”

Matt pulled his hands from my grip and brought them up to my face. “Never apologize, sweets. It’s going to be okay. I knew…” He swallowed loudly. “I knew you were worried about this, I just didn’t completely understand why. It’s going to be fine.”

“Fine,” I repeated quietly. I stared at the cream colored wall that was across from me for a second and then adjusted myself so I could get out of bed. “Want to come with me to see Olivia?”

Matt nodded. “Let me get a wheelchair.”

“No, please. I want to walk.” I gave him a pleading look and he nodded before wrapping an arm around me to lead me through the hallway. I cuddled with my sleeping Olivia for over an hour before I gave her to Matt and reluctantly got into the wheelchair someone had brought over. I let them wheel me back to radiology where Dr. Fields was waiting.

“Deep breath, Amanda. It could be nothing. If it’s something then we have found it very early. Just breathe.” He squeezed my shoulder slightly and helped someone else get me adjusted on the machine.

“You know the drill.” Dr. Fields said loudly so I could hear him through the foam earplugs in my ears. “Hold as still as possible and it will be over before you know it.”

I closed my eyes and laid on the cold table as noise sounded all around me. The image of my gorgeous, sweet boyfriend holding my tiny, beautiful daughter came to the forefront of my mind. I knew that, no matter what, I’d do anything to be with them. It didn’t matter what Dr. Fields said because I would fight as hard as I needed to make sure that I got to spend as much time with them as possible.

I don’t know how much time had passed but I was suddenly jolted awake when someone touched my ankle. The radiology technician smiled at me as my table retracted from the machine.

“Not many people can sleep through that.”

I pulled my ear plugs out and handed them to her as I moved back into the wheelchair. “I’ve had one or two in my life.”

She nodded as she adjusted the wheelchair for me. “I saw.”

She pushed me through the hallway quietly and when we got back to my room Matt was sitting on the bed watching TV. He hopped up quickly and offered me a hand as I climbed out of the wheelchair.

“Okay Ms. Franklin. Dr. Fields said he’d be by in a bit with the results.”

I thanked her and settled into the bed, wrinkling my nose at the covered plate of food Matt put in front of me.

He just laughed. “Mom switched out your plate of hospital food for some of Craig’s leftover lasagna.”

I gasped dramatically and pulled the lid off. My mouth watered at the sight of the huge helping of food and I realize how hungry I really was.

“You have the most amazing family,” I said around a forkful of food. I pushed the second fork in Matt’s direction and the two of us ate in silence. When the plate was empty and our utensils were down, Matt cleared his throat.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “Let’s wait and talk to Dr. Fields first.”

“Okay. Then let’s go see Liv.”

Everything melted away as I sat in the rocking chair with my little girl. I examined every miniature feature on her face. Her little lips were parted slightly as she slept and she smelled like something indescribable, but I couldn’t get enough. I probably looked like a loon as I inhaled my baby’s hair.

When I heard Dr. Fields greet Matt beside me, I cringed slightly. Matt stood and placed his hands on my shoulders. I inhaled a deep breath and held it as I brought my eyes to meet the doctor’s. I searched his face for a moment, trying to find a hint of what he was about to say. When a soft smile hit his lips I let out the jagged breath.

“It must have been a shadow. Your MRI came back clear.”

Matt’s relieved sigh was loud behind me and his grip tightened where his hands were.  “Oh God. Are you sure?”

Dr. Fields nodded. “I have a few really good images and they all came back perfect. I am really sorry to worry you both.”

I reached up and wiped my cheeks, both of them wet from silent tears. Standing, I wrapped my one free arm around Dr. Fields.

“Thank you so much.”

Matt shook his hand before holding me as tight as he could with the baby in my arms. Dr. Fields said goodbye and I kissed both of Olivia’s cheeks before letting Matt hold her for a bit. After the NICU nurse had me attempt to nurse her again, we headed back to the room and laid together in Matt’s make-shift bed. The TV was off and the dark room was quiet as I listened to the steady thrumming of his heart beneath my ear.

“I feel like I’ve had you and almost lost you three times over the past few weeks.” His voice was a whisper but I could hear the anguish in his soft tones.

I lifted my head and strained my neck so our lips could meet. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

I let my head fall back to his chest and Matt ran his fingers through my hair slowly until I fell asleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five

On Monday, three days after the accident, Dr. Eaton cheerfully told me I could go home. It took him a moment to realize why I was frowning and he sat at the foot of my bed.

“She’s going to come home soon. You just go home to finish getting ready for her and you’ll have sleepless nights before you know it.”

I shook my head and looked out the window, ignoring Dr. Eaton’s supposedly-comforting words. He pulled Matt outside the door, and even though they thought they were being quiet, I could hear them. Dr. Eaton told Matt to watch for signs of Post-Partum Depression and explained how it was even more common in mothers who have to leave without their babies. I knew that with the doctor’s warnings, Matt would be watching me like a hawk.

Olivia was amazing. I was certain I would never see something so perfect again in my whole life. The thought of leaving without her made me ill. Dr. Grant thought she’d be able to go home the week I would have hit thirty-six weeks pregnant, and she raved about her progress.

Matt and I spent as much time in the NICU as possible, rarely leaving her side. She had taken to nursing like a champ, and even though she’d lost a little bit of weight, they talked about how great she was.

I sat in the NICU with her all morning, knowing I’d have to sleep miles from her that night. I was cuddling her in the rocking chair when I heard Matt’s voice behind me. I turned my head and saw him standing there, my mom next to him, and both of them with huge smiles on their faces.

“Mom,” I said softly, standing to give her a one-armed hug. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

My mom’s grin didn’t falter as she looked down at Olivia happily. “Oh Panda, she’s perfect.”

I directed her into the rocking chair and placed Olivia in her arms gently. Matt and I watched my mom rock her granddaughter slowly, and I leaned against him. “Thank you.”

Matt kissed my head and then moved to take a few pictures of the duo. Mom didn’t let her go for a full hour and only relinquished her when the nurse insisted that she be nursed. I hugged my mom as tight as I could before telling her goodbye, and Matt took her back home as I fed Olivia.

Matt drove us home that night, him quiet and me in tears, and he held me close once we pulled into the driveway.

“She’ll be home soon, Amanda,” he said soothingly as he ran his fingers through my hair. “If we’re lucky she will be home right after Christmas.” He drew back and gave me a smile. “Come inside. Let me show you something.”

I followed him in slowly, and the house felt empty since the last time I’d been home. I trailed my fingers down to my stomach and had to stifle a sob that threatened to leave my mouth. I missed running my hands over the round bump where my daughter had been. It was just another reminder that she wasn’t home.

Matt directed me to the couch and sat next to me with my laptop. I watched as he logged in to some website and suddenly the screen was full of a sleeping Olivia.

“The NICU has cameras so we can watch her from home.”

I stared in awe as my precious baby slept peacefully, her little chest moving up and down quickly.

I made Matt move the laptop into the bedroom and he placed it on the dresser so we could see Olivia from the bed. I put my sleep clothes on before stretching out on the bed and moaning loudly.

“I forgot how comfortable our bed was.”

Matt laughed and stripped down to his boxers before climbing in next to me. “Not me. I’ve dreamed about our bed for nights. I miss really holding you. That stupid little bed was terrible.” He pulled me close and his hands went to my stomach before he froze.

Matt must have known that I caught his action because he flipped to his back, tugging me onto his chest. “She’s right there.”

I glanced at the computer screen and managed a smile. “Stupid hormones.”

Matt laughed and squeezed his hands tighter around me. “I talked to Jill and they went ahead and completed your internship as of Friday. I can’t take my time off until after Christmas, but I don’t have to be back until Thursday. We’ll take that time to finish the nursery, okay?”

“Okay,” I said quietly. “And go car shopping.”

“And go car shopping. Any ideas on what you want?”

“I want an SUV. Something safe for Olivia.” I traced the muscles around his chest. “I love you, Matt.”

“Oh sweets, I love you too.” He kissed my forehead and we cuddled in silence until we fell asleep.

I woke up early in the morning and sat up quickly to check the laptop. Olivia was still there, but her eyes were scrunched up and her face was contorted as she cried.

Matt was still asleep next to me and I jumped up to pull clothes on fast as I could.

“Matt,” I whispered, and he opened his eyes quickly.

“Manda. What’s wrong?” He sat up and looked at me confused.

“She’s crying. I need to go back to the hospital. Someone needs to comfort her.” I groaned in exhaustion when my maternity pants wouldn’t stay up. Pulling them off, I moved to the closet to grab something else.

“Manda, baby, look.” I turned back to look at the monitor and someone had put an oversized pacifier in Olivia’s mouth. She was no longer crying as she sucked on it furiously with her eyes closed. I sat back on the edge of the bed slowly and let out a big sigh.

“She’s okay.”

Matt’s arms came around me and he pulled me into his lap. “She’s fine, baby.”

“What is wrong with me? I feel like a nutcase.”

Matt rubbed his cheek against mine. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a new mom- you’re allowed to be worried.”

I let him guide me so we were laying back down and I watched Olivia until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

The next few days were spent between the NICU and finishing up the things we’d meant to do before the accident. We also spent a few hours shopping for preemie clothes since all of the newborn stuff we had was too big. Matt and I had been told to hold off on buying a lot of stuff before our baby shower, but that wasn’t scheduled until January and I felt completely underprepared.

“This car seat can be used at four pounds,” Matt said, reading the box on the shelf.

“Okay, let’s get that one then. Do you think we can return the other one?” I sorted through a few pairs of sleeper pajamas I had put in the cart, trying to decide which ones I wanted to buy.

“We’ll just keep it. She’ll be six pounds soon and we’ll be able to use it. A second one won’t hurt to have.” Matt took all of the pajamas I was looking from me and dumped them back into the cart. “They’re all cute, sweets.”

We walked towards the front of the store and Matt wrapped his arm around my waist. “I talked to the lawyer for our insurance company, and his insurance is already trying to wave money in our faces.”

“Enough to get a better car?” I stopped to look at a display of cute little caps that would be better than the hospital ones.

“Definitely. I asked Sean and he says that it’s a hefty settlement, but he recommended that we let his firm look over it all to make sure it’s sound.” We moved to the checkout and I put all of the little sleepers up on the counter. When the cashier gave us our total, I didn’t argue as Matt pulled out his debit card.

We put our purchases into the car before climbing in, and I stared over at Matt as he typed out an email on his phone. He glanced up at me and gave me a sheepish smile.

“Sorry sweets. I’m trying not to work too much, but I just need to return this email.”

“Let’s get married, Matt.”

His fingers froze over his screen and he snapped his head to look at me. His eyes were wide with surprise.

“What?”

I stared at him for a moment. I probably should have been surprised at my declaration, but I wasn’t. I had thought about it a lot since our fight, and I knew that I wanted to be with Matt for the rest of my life. Seeing him with Olivia reaffirmed that and I wanted our family to be complete.

“I want to marry you.”

A brilliant smile spread across his lips and he leaned across the console to pull my face towards his. He kissed me hard, but his lips stayed upturned in a smile the entire time. When we pulled back, I thought his face would break from the strain.

He tried to school his expression but the smile wouldn’t retract completely. He tried to put on his best serious look.

“I don’t want you to get married if you’re not ready, Amanda. Don’t think you have to do this for me.”

I shook my head quickly and ran my fingers down the side of his face. “I
want
to be your wife, Matt.” I smiled slyly. “So, will you marry me?”

He let out a chuckle and gave me a tiny nod. “I’ve been carrying this for a while.” Matt reached into his wallet and pulled out a ring that was tucked into a crevice of it. “It belonged to your grandmother, your dad’s mom. Your mom gave me this and your grandpa’s wedding band a few months ago. She seemed very sure of the two of us.”

He took my hand and slid the ring onto my finger, a euphoric look crossing his face. The ring was gorgeous, obviously vintage and well cared for. The design around the band was very detailed and the diamond on top was beautiful. It was a little loose on my finger, but I was instantly in love with it. I should have been shocked by my mother giving it to Matt, but the thought just made me want to laugh. She knew me better than I knew myself.

“I love it,” I whispered before leaning forward to give him another kiss. “Thank you. Let’s go now.”

Matt’s face morphed into surprise and he didn’t say anything for a moment.

“You want to go get married right now?”

I nodded quickly. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot since our argument before Thanksgiving. I don’t need a big wedding. We can have a big party later, when Olivia is with us. I just want to be your wife.”

He stared at me so long that I thought he was going to object, but after a few minutes of silence he crashed his lips to mine again.

“You’re amazing. Let’s go now and then we’ll go see our baby.”

We went down to the county clerk’s office and stood in line to get our marriage license. It was an easy process and soon after we were waiting for our turn with the Deputy Commissioner. I let my head rest on Matt’s shoulder as I played with the ring on my finer.

“Nervous?” Matt asked, his voice low and only meant for me.

“Nope,” I replied as I turned my head so I could look up at him. “Not at all. Are you?”

His lips hit my forehead as he grinned at me. “Not even a little bit. Excited, but not nervous.” He paused. “Okay, I’m a bit nervous that either Maddie or Sydney is going to kill me in my sleep for doing this without them, but otherwise I’m okay.”

I let out a small laugh. “They’ll understand.” When they told us we needed a witness, I had contemplating calling both of them, but I didn’t think Maddie could have left work and I didn’t want to wait. We had ended up paying for one of the County’s witnesses and I would just deal with my best friends later.

When our names were called, we stood up and moved into the big office. The Deputy was a man with a kind face and he shook both of our hands before introducing us to the person who’d witness our union. The ceremony was basic but effective. When it was over, we shared a long kiss that left me breathless.

Two hours later we got off the elevator at the fourth floor and were buzzed into the secure ward by the desk clerk. Over the past five days, we’d become known on the floor and it made the process easier. We headed right towards the NICU, scrubbing our hands and dawning our gowns quickly before walking in. A nurse was standing over Olivia’s isolette writing something on her chart and when she saw us she smiled.

“I was just about to change her diaper. Do you want to?”

Matt nodded his head furiously and grinned at her. “Yeah, definitely. Thank you.”

I watched as his big hands opened the isolette and deftly changed the little beauty’s diaper before wrapping her back up and bringing her to his chest.

“Hi sweetpea. I missed you so much.”

I sat in one of the gliding chairs and smiled at the quiet exchange between the two of them. A few minutes later he reluctantly gave her to me and she and I worked on our nursing a bit. She was getting better at it and I couldn’t wait to get her home to be able to nurse her exclusively.

We had been there for two hours when Linda walked in, still in her scrubs and wearing a smile.

“I figured I’d find you kids here. How’s my granddaughter?”

Matt gave his mom a hug and grinned. “She was awake for almost thirty minutes earlier. She was hanging on our every word, I swear.”

I stood and offered Olivia to Linda who opened her arms readily. I moved to Matt’s lap and let Linda have the chair I’d been sitting in and we watched as she spoke softly to the baby. Matt filled her in on the insurance company stuff, and I just listened happily. After about fifteen minutes, Olivia started to fuss and Linda gave her back to me so I could nurse her again. The baby was barely in my hands before Linda gasped, looking at Matt.

“You finally proposed properly!”

I let out a small laugh. “You showed your mom the rings?

Matt gave me a smirk before he shook his head at his mom. “We decided not to use that ring as an engagement ring but as the wedding ring instead.”

Linda looked at him for a moment and when she realized what she was saying her gaze darted to his left hand. When she saw him wearing my grandfather’s wedding band, she lightly hit his chest. “You two got married?”

He laughed with a nod as she hugged him tightly. “We didn’t want to wait. We got married a few hours ago.”

She squeezed her son tightly before coming over and kissing the top of my head. “You’ve been like my daughter for years, but I love that it’s official. I can’t believe you didn’t let us throw a wedding, though.”

“We can celebrate next year when Liv can be there with us,” I said as I smiled down at my daughter.

Everyone we broke the news to reacted the same way. My mom’s reaction was similar to Linda’s, and she hugged Matt as hard as she could. She didn’t seem surprised at the news and when I’d asked her she had said, “I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

When we told her, Maddie had squealed and threw her arms around me. “I’m so mad at you but so happy at the same time.”

Sydney had just grinned and shook her head. “Great, now you’ve stolen eloping. When David and I get married I’ll have to have a big ceremony now.”

Matt had tried to play it cool with everything but I knew he was ecstatic. He tried not to show how much it meant to him, probably because of my cool response to marriage before, but he wasn’t fooling me. It was a few nights after that day when I realized how much he was playing it down. I had been sitting on our bed as he brushed his teeth, my laptop in my lap. Matt came around to sit in his spot and he glanced over at me.

“How’s our girl?”

I shook my head and looked up from the screen. “I’m not on the NICU camera right now. I was looking at the DMV’s website.”

“Why?” Matt looked at me, confused.

I smiled at him before turning my eyes back to the screen. “So I can find out what I need to change my last name.”

Matt didn’t respond and after a moment of silence I looked back at him. He was just staring at me and, slowly, a smile began to fill his face.

“You’re going to change your last name?”

I put the laptop on my nightstand and raised my eyebrows at him. “Of course. You didn’t think I would?”