Scars of the Future (22 page)

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have called.” I searched his face for a few moments and when he began to reach out for me, I side-stepped him.

“I’m going to go take a bath and head to bed.”

I walked back to the bedroom and didn’t dare look back because I knew I was close to giving in.

I filled the bathtub with warm water and when I pulled my dress over my head, I cringed. The top of my shoulder to the middle of my upper arm now had a dark bruise, along with my hipbone. I’d had worse during some of my runs, but they still looked ugly.

I soaked in the bathtub until the water was cold and begrudgingly pulled myself out. After I’d pulled on a t-shirt and sweatpants I turned the light off and climbed into bed.

Sleep wouldn’t come and I sighed when the clock changed to after one in the morning. I couldn’t figure out how things had gotten so off track. Three weeks ago Matt and I were in a really good place, and things seemed to be going perfectly. And now we were here.

I pushed my face deeper into my pillow as tears pricked my eyes. I finally felt myself start to doze off when the bed next to me dipped. I stayed still, unsure of what he was doing, and after a moment his big arms wrapped around me. He pulled me close to his chest, inhaling deeply as he snuggled behind me. I knew I should tell him to leave, to respect my wish for space, but I just wanted to be in his arms again.

I fell asleep quick and had the best nights’ sleep I’d had in a week. When the alarm on the nightstand went off at five the next morning, my head was on his shoulder and our legs were tangled together. I knew he was awake because his heart was pounding under my ear and his hand was running up my bruised shoulder gently.

“Why Matt?” I asked quietly, my voice sounding hoarse from sleep.

His hand stopped moving and he tightened his hold on me. After a few beats of silence he let out a long breath.

“Because I’m a fucking idiot. The thought that you don’t think of me long term hurt and I wanted you to hurt, too. So I froze you out all week. When you disappeared on Thanksgiving, I had no idea where you’d gone and I thought… I thought you’d left. When you finally came home and chewed me out I realized how messed up we were because of me. I just needed to blow off some steam and I only meant to have a drink or two, but Drew was already there and two drinks turned into more. I swear to you that she kissed me, and I just… reacted. Then I saw you and wanted to get a rise, thinking maybe it’d piss you off to where you’d fight for me, but it backfired. It wasn’t a rational thought and after you’d left the bar I wished you had hit me. Josh wanted to and I tried egging him on, but he sucker punched Drew when he was mouthing off instead. Josh just looked at me and said, ‘I won’t hit you so you can feel better. You deserve to feel like shit.’ He was right.”

I lifted my head and looked at this face, his eyes meeting mine in the dark. “Your plan worked. You hurt me.”

We maintained eye contact in silence before I let my head fall back to his shoulder.

“I know, sweets, and I’m sorry. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I promise.” Matt’s cheek rest against the top of my head and I sighed.

“How do I know you won’t do this again the next time you’re mad at me? It makes it so hard to trust you, Matt.” I pulled myself from his hold and sat up, leaning against the headboard.

He brought himself to a sitting position, too, grabbing one of my hands in both of his.

“I will do whatever I have to in order to earn your trust back. Please don’t give up, Manda. The only family I want is with you and our daughter. We don’t have to be married to be that, I realize that now.”

I pulled my lips through my teeth as I let him talk. “It’s not even just the marriage thing, Matt. You get mad, you storm off. You don’t talk rationally or calmly and I can’t handle that. I know you spent years having to keep your words to yourself, but you can’t do that in a relationship. If we can’t talk through our problems we won’t work.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry. I’m working on that. I’m not a really good Peer Agent if I can’t even acclimate into my own life well, am I? We have a few classes and groups that I’m looking into. I am working on myself and my faults, I swear. I want to be a better person for you girls.”

I stared at his face for a few minutes, his sad, blue eyes barely visible in the dark room. The same blue eyes I’d known since I was eight-years-old. The eyes of the man who had always been there for me and who I loved desperately. I knew I wanted Matt in my life, but I was so scared of the damage he could cause if he decided to leave me behind. My mom’s voice fluttered in my ear, though, reminding me that if Matt and I loved each other that we could get through it.

“Matt. You have the power to break me. Absolutely break me. That’s a big reason of why I tried to stay away from you for so long. I always thought I was strong, but you literally hold my heart in your hands. I need to know that I can trust you with it.” I held the tears the threatened back as I watched Matt press his lips together, almost like he was doing the same thing.

“Sweets, I can’t promise I won’t have my stupid moments, because I will. I can promise that I will spend my life making sure your heart is as protected as I can. I am not proud of what I did. I am so ashamed of myself that it’s hard to look in the mirror. To be given a treasure like you, I would be a stupid man to do anything but worship you. But then, when I don’t think I can get any luckier…” He let his hand fall until it was resting on the mound of my stomach. “You give me a gift like her. She’s a piece of you, and I just know that no one will ever touch on how lucky I am. I promise- if you give me another chance I will make sure that I treat you and Olivia how you deserve. You are my family and my family means everything to me.”

I let his declaration wash over me as I absorbed his words for a few minutes. Slowly, I moved my face towards him until our lips touched gently. I kissed him for just a moment before pulling back and resting my cheek against his chest.

Matt’s arms came around me again and he let out a breath so big that you might have thought he’d been holding it for days.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, shifting my legs so I was in his lap. “More than I could ever put into words.”

“I love you too, Matt.” I replied softly. “Please don’t do that again.”

“I promise.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Tuesday, we both went back work and Matt took extra care to make sure I was happy. He showed up to take me out to lunch that afternoon and flowers appeared at the office on Wednesday. After a snowstorm Thursday morning, he insisted on driving me to work, and he brought Jill and me dinner that same evening when we worked past six. He stayed until we were ready to go, not complaining once. Jill shot him a few dirty looks, but by the end of the evening he’d gotten back in her good graces. I only hoped the rest of his family would be that easy.

The sides had definitely been taken and they had not been in Matt’s favor. His mother, sister, and Sydney had all outwardly sided with me. The men were a bit more understanding of Matt, with the exception of Josh. I don’t know if it was because Josh had been there that night or because he and Matt had been friends for years, but he seemed to be the most irritated with my boyfriend. Matt shrugged it all off, saying that all he cared about was our relationship and that the others would fall back into place. I looked forward to Friday night dinner at Linda’s and hoped that it would help everybody sort of reset. I really did not like everyone fighting because of something that had to do with me.

Friday afternoon I had a business lunch and then I was scheduled for court to determine if a mother could have her three children back. I had to beg Matt to let me drive myself so I could go home right after it was all over. The roads were fairly clear and it wasn’t a big deal for me to drive, but I knew he was trying to spend as much time with me as possible. He finally agreed after making me promise to check in with him throughout the day.

I decided to detour by Matt’s office after lunch when I realized I had over an hour before I had to be to the courthouse for my hearing. I parked in the parking lot at the Office of Veteran Affairs and rode the elevator up to the third floor.

I stepped through the doors once the bell chimed and looked around. I had only been to Matt’s office one other time, and I wasn’t exactly sure where to go. I approached the receptionist desk and the lady sitting behind gave me a mechanical smile without looking up.

I returned her smile with a friendly one. “Hi, I’m looking for Matthew Thomas.”

She glanced up at me before moving her eyes back to her computer. “Do you have an appointment?”

I shook my head. “I don’t, but ...”

“Ma’am, everything is done by appointment here. Is your husband currently deployed?”

“No,” I said with an eyebrow raised. “Matt is my boyfriend.”

She stopped what she was doing and a look of surprise crossed her face. “Oh, you must be Amanda.”

I nodded and she stood up, a real smile on her lips. As she took in my stomach she let out a little laugh. “Oh honey, just say so next time, although I shoulder have known. You have the cutest little belly and all Matt talks about is you and the baby. I get so many people in here wanting to skip the process that I become jaded. Let me take you to see him.”

I followed her through the confusing open office space and she led me to a door in the back that had ‘Matthew Thomas, Peer Agent’ on it.

“There you go. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

I thanked her as she turned around and I knocked on the door quietly.

“Come in,” Matt’s voice said from behind the door, and I pushed it open slowly. The office wasn’t huge but it put my little desk space to shame. It definitely looked like a man of the military worked there because everything was immaculate. I thought my desk at work was fairly organized but Matt’s was pristine, every little pen and trinket in order. Sitting on the desk was a picture of him with Linda and Maddie, taken probably three years before. Next to it was a picture of the two of us that I had taken with my phone sometime in October. It was the same picture that I had on my desk, both of us smiling as I leaned my head against his.

Matt was sitting behind the desk. His button up shirt was undone near his neck, and he looked happier than I’d seen him in two weeks. He had the phone to his ear and when he saw me he grinned broadly.

“Look, I need to call you back. I’ll have the numbers for you by the end of the day, okay? Thanks Terry.” Matt put the phone into the receiver and stood up, walking to me quickly and pulling me into a hug.

“Hey, I thought you had court. Is everything okay?” His lips skimmed my hair and I held him tight.

“Not for another hour and a half. I just wanted to see you.” I looked up at him and gave him a smile.

He brought his lips to mine and we kissed for a moment but the kiss turned frantic, and I pulled back to smile at him. “Let’s not start something we can’t finish, okay?”

The past four days Matt had seemed determined to show how much he loved me in every way he could. I’d woken up in the middle of the night with his head between my legs, been accosted in the shower twice, and we’d left dinner unattended once. At first I had thought we were just making up for lost time, but I realized that it was Matt’s way of loving me in every form possible.

Matt raised his eyebrows and moved to the door, turning the lock on it. He reached for the blinds and closed them, too. “If you can be quiet we can definitely finish it here.”

He spoke the words quietly and I felt a shiver run up my entire body in anticipation. He turned me so I was facing his desk and ran his wet lips down my neck as his hand snaked around my front, sliding it under the elastic of my black dress pants.

“I think about having you in this very office probably ten times a day.” His voice was a whisper at my ear and goosebumps formed on my neck. “Put your hands on the desk, sweets.”

I did as I was told and he used his hands to drag my pants to my ankles before hooking his fingers in my underwear so they followed suit. His hands ran back up my bare legs and he pushed my legs as far apart as they could go without taking my pants off my feet.

I wasn’t expecting it, so when I felt one of his long fingers slide between my legs I gasped, gripping the side of the desk as hard as I could. He teased me for a moment before slowly sliding the lone digit inside of me.

“Oh baby, nothing feels better than you. I love how ready you are.” He added a second finger and I had to bite back a moan that threatened to escape. I heard him fumbling with his belt one handed as he picked up the pace with his fingers. After another moment he pulled them out of me, quickly replacing them with his gloriously firm erection. Matt’s hands gripped my hips and he moved in and out of me purposely, the pace almost tormenting. I felt the orgasm building as his movements quickened, and when it hit I turned my face into my shoulder, trying to muffle my moans of pleasure as my body tingled. My forehead dropped to the edge of the desk as I fought to catch my breath.

I heard Matt stifle his own noises of satisfaction, but his grip was fierce as he found his release. He let go of my hips and brought his face down to the back of my neck.

“Fuck, Manda. It’s better every time with you.” 

I nodded in agreement but was too spent to speak. I was completely unhelpful as Matt grabbed a few Kleenex and attempted to clean us up before pulling my pants up for me.

“Did I hurt your hip? I forgot about that bruise.” He was gentle as he adjusted my pants and I shook my head.

“It looks worse than it feels. Besides, that was totally worth it.”

He grinned as he tucked his shirt back into his pants and let out a big sigh. “This is my favorite meeting ever held in this office.”

I returned his smile as I adjusted my own shirt. “Good, because if it wasn’t… we did something wrong.”

He sat down in his office chair and beckoned me over to him. I settled myself in his lap and rest my head on his shoulder. We didn’t move for several long minutes as he held me close and I relished in the warmth of his arms. Finally, I sighed and extracted myself from his hold to stand.

I picked up my purse and leaned in to give him another kiss. “I love you.”

“Wait. Let me walk you to your car.” He reached out to unlock the door and turned to grin at me. “I love your sexed hair, especially because I’m the one who messed it up.”

I felt a blush rise in my cheeks as I attempted to smooth my wild hair. “Better? Don’t let me go out in front of your co-workers looking like I was just bent over the desk. Even if that is the truth.”

“No way. Your freshly worked over look is for my eyes only.” He ran a hand down my head and nodded in satisfaction before pulling the door open. He grabbed my hand and led me through the office space, nodding at people as we did.

We stepped into the elevator with a few other people and Matt tucked me to his side until the doors opened at the ground floor. We walked through the cold parking lot unhurriedly, our hands entwined, and when we made it to my car he sighed.

“I love seeing you for lunch, but it’s so hard to let you go.”

I reached my hands up to lock them around his neck and kissed the tip of his chin.

“Just a few more hours until the weekend, handsome.”

Matt nodded and pulled me even closer to give me a long, adoring kiss. When our lips finally separated, I grinned at him and attempted to step back.

He didn’t let me go easily and instead held me to him for another moment. “I love you, Manda. We’re riding to dinner together right?”

“Of course. I love you, too.”

He let go of me slowly and smiled. “Have fun at court.”

“Oh, a blast,” I said with an eye roll as I got into the car. We smiled at each other again and I pulled out of the parking lot.

I basically fell into my car after court and decided that Matt was right about needing an SUV. I was so tired and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull myself out when I got home. I started the car to warm it up and pushed the button to call Matt.

“Hey sweets,” he said by way of greeting. “How was court?”

“A happy ending, I think.” I closed my eyes and let a yawn escape my mouth. “I’m going to run home and take a nap before dinner tonight.”

“Okay, sleep. I’ll call you when I’m done here and on my way home. Drive carefully.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you, too.

I ended the call and pulled the seatbelt on, trying to adjust it so it was at my hips, before pulling out of the parking lot. I shivered in the freezing car and flipped the heater on full blast as I waited at a light.

I was about a mile from home when a car zoomed around me, the driver going way too fast for the current road conditions. I watched him come up on my left side and he began to cross the center line towards oncoming traffic. When he jerked back to the right to correct himself, he hit a patch of ice and it felt like everything happened in slow motion. His car spun once, clipping the left side of mine.

I watched the world outside turn as the car rolled one full time and then it started to roll again. Sometime during the motion, the airbag released and hit me in the face. I registered a sharp pain in my head and everything went dark around me.

I don’t know how long it was between my head hitting my window and when I opened my eyes. I blinked slowly several times and it took me a moment to realize I was hanging upside down by my seatbelt. I sat there, frozen like a statue, just staring out of the windshield at the asphalt. The car was so compressed that I couldn’t see much outside of it, and my head was grazing the roof of my car. I heard noises around, but they all sounded so far away.

I absentmindedly moved to unbuckle my seatbelt when I realized someone was at my crushed window. There was only about two feet of space there, but he was as close to me as he could on his hands and knees.

“Ma’am, can you hear me?”

I looked over at him, still reaching for my seatbelt, and he shook his head furiously.

“No, no. Don’t try to take it off. We need to wait for the ambulance.”

At the word ambulance, reality seeped into my brain and I realized what had happened. “Oh. Oh… You have to get me out.”

His eyes softened in sympathy and he nodded. “Help is on the way and we’ll get you out. Talk to me. What’s your name?”

“Amanda.”

“Amanda. That’s pretty. Amanda, can I call someone for you?”

I looked into the stranger’s dark brown eyes and I felt panic wash over me. “I don’t know his number. It’s in my phone.” I looked around my car for my phone and it was a confusing mess. My purse had fallen onto the roof of the car, glass covering it, but I couldn’t see my phone that had been on the seat next to me. “I can’t find my phone. How are we going to reach him?”

He laid flat on his stomach and reached through the window to grasp my hand. “Amanda, you need to calm down, okay? Where would he be?”

I wracked my brain but I couldn’t think clearly. Where would Matt be? “Probably at work, but what if he’s not there? What if you can’t find him?” I felt panic washing over me and my breathing started to come out in short spurts.

“Amanda, focus on me. Look at me, honey.”

I looked over at the stranger and he was taking deep, exaggerated breaths. “Can you breathe like me, Amanda? Try.”

I watched his chest rise and fall several times and eventually I was able to get mine to almost match his. Once my breathing was under control, I had a thought.

“Can you call Sacramento Police Department? Ask for Detective David Bradley.” I knew that David would be easier to reach and he could call Matt.

“Okay, is that your husband?”

I shook my head quickly. “He’s my best friend’s… He’s my brother.”

The stranger pulled his phone out with his other hand and I heard him mumbling into the phone. “I need to speak to Detective David Bradley, it’s an emergency. No, tell him it’s regarding his sister, Amanda. Yeah, thank you.” He was quiet for a moment before he greeted someone and hit a button on his phone.

“Amanda, it’s on speakerphone and David is on.”

“Amanda?” I heard David’s frantic voice. “Amanda, what’s wrong?”

At the sound of David’s voice, I couldn’t contain my anxiety or tears anymore. “David,” I sobbed. “David, I can’t find my phone.”

“What do you mean? Amanda, what happened?”

I kept prattling on about my phone and the stranger filled in the blanks for me. “My name is Nathan, David. Amanda was in a car accident and we’re waiting for rescue to come. Her car overturned and she’s trapped upside down, but I think she’s in shock. There’s someone she wants to contact, but she doesn’t know his phone number without her phone.”

I interrupted the stranger called Nathan as I heard sirens approach. “David, I’m so scared.”

“Amanda, honey, don’t worry, okay? Help is coming and I’m on my way, too. Patty is calling Matt right now.” David’s voice was soft, comforting, and I closed my eyes as I listened to him. “Nathan, I’ve got the address from dispatch and I’m on my way. When the ambulance arrives you need to tell them Amanda is almost thirty-two weeks pregnant, okay? She’s definitely in shock. Can you stay with her until I get there?”

“Yeah, of course.” Nathan gripped my hand tighter and I reached up to wipe my tears with my free hand, but when I brought it back from my face it was covered in blood.

“David. Olivia.” I clutched my stomach when a wave of pain washed over me.

“I know, Amanda. Olivia is going to be okay. I’m coming.” David spoke quietly to someone not on the line for a second before speaking louder. “Nathan, did she lose consciousness?”

“Yeah, she was unconscious when I first got to the car. I’d say for four minutes, give or take a few.”

“Damn it, okay. Make sure to tell the EMTs that, too.”

Nathan agreed before turning his face up to speak to someone, and I recognized the boots of a firefighter. I focused on the boots for a moment and the stomach pain hit me again.

“David?” I whimpered softly.

“I’m coming, Amanda.”

“I’m having contractions.”

I heard him curse under his breath and he repeated the information to, I was assuming, Patty. “Everyone is going to be fine, Amanda. Is help there yet?”

Nathan answered for me. “The fire department is. They’re going to try and get the door off, but I have to move. You hold onto my phone, okay Amanda? You talk to David and I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He squeezed my hand once more and let go, pushing his phone into it before he vanished out of sight.