Scent of the Heart (21 page)

“You say those words so easily now.”

“I won’t deny my ignorance when we got here. I thought that attractions were immutable. You were either for boys or girls, or both if you were bisexual.”

“And now? What is it that you believe?”

“I think there is too much of a rush to label things. I’m not gay, but I’m not straight. I’m Casey, and Sev was my heart. That’s all that should have ever mattered. Everything else was just words.”

***

The moment they passed beyond the boundary of the enclave, the wolf still at his heels, the weather took on the more temperate climate they were used to. Temperatures were in the fifties, and a gentle breeze rustled the trees. You could stand at the edge of the enclave and see the snowdrifts still piled high. It was something that always frustrated Casey. He could see the results and always considered it in terms of previous shaman proving their superiority over nature. Now he knew that wasn’t the case. They blended with nature in harmony, never trying to overpower it. Hakiim had once again shown him the error of his ways.

As he strolled through the enclave, he avoided the people’s gazes. When he did happen to catch a glimpse, he couldn’t tell what emotion he saw. Did they hate him for failing them? Were they glad he had survived? Did they pity him for the loss of his heart mate? It left him raw, not knowing his place anymore. Zak had told him of some people who Elizar had put to death, but he was staggered by the numbers. Twenty-seven people were killed by members of the enclave under Elizar’s control. The very young—like Bambi and Thumper—or the very old. Elizar considered them a liability to his plan, so he disposed of them.

“Shaman?”

Mrs. Riley approached him. His heart split asunder. He wanted to gather her up in his arms and beg her forgiveness for not being able to stop the monster that took her newborn children, but at the same time, he wanted to flee. To hide his shame over his monumental failure to these people and to his heart.

“Mrs. Riley. I—”

She threw her arms around him and clung tight. “You’re safe, thank the spirits. I was afraid we would lose you as well.”

Knowing that most shifters craved touch, he nuzzled her hair and she sank into his arms.

“I am so sorry I couldn’t save the twins,” Casey said quietly.

“How could you have saved them? Please, come sit with me. I think we should talk.”

She led him to her home. It had been cleaned from the mess of a few days ago, and he tentatively entered. Mr. Riley sat at the table and stood when Casey entered.

“Shaman, thank you for blessing our home with your presence. May I offer you tea? I have the blend you like.”

He couldn’t understand. These people should be grieving the loss of their children, not ministering to him.

“Please, sit,” Mrs. Riley encouraged him.

Casey pulled a chair from the table and sat gingerly upon it. Mr. and Mrs. Riley weren’t large people, and their furniture reflected that fact. To Casey, it was akin to sitting on doll furniture.

“Ebdah,” Mrs. Riley spoke quietly to her husband, “our shaman has come to apologize to us for not being able to save our children.”

Mr. Riley’s breath hitched before he turned a watery gaze toward Casey. “Thank you, but you couldn’t have saved them. What happened was in no way your fault. There isn’t anyone in the enclave who blames you or our Alpha. We understand there are forces more powerful that we cannot defeat. We are prey animals, and as such, we know our lives could be snuffed out at any moment by a larger creature.”

Mrs. Riley continued. “What happened to our children was nothing to do with you. Elizar is an evil that transcended the spirit realm. You are our bridge, and we are grateful for that, but Elizar was beyond your ability. He couldn’t be stopped by our Alpha or Protector either. We understand. We grieve for our loss, but we know that the spirits will comfort our children until we join them. That gives us strength.”

Blood pounded in Casey’s ears, blocking out any other words they spoke. The quiet acceptance of death, especially of your own children, left him with an edgy, twitchy sensation. He rose from his chair and made his way to his hut, which was rife with Sev’s presence, and no longer welcomed him.

It was time to end this.

Casey had spent a week studying everything he could find. Each night, he made sure the door was barred and laid everything out on the floor, spreading books and papers in front of him, a cup of energizing tea by his side to carry him through the long night of study. He pored through every bit of information he could find from previous shamans about the spirit realm. Though it was sketchy and sometimes contradictory, he culled important bits about spirits who were separated from the realm and would be forever doomed to wander, seeing, but never being seen. Incapable of touching or being touched. It was a punishment that was deemed too harsh, and therefore never done. This was what he needed.

Before he did this, he decided he should see Jake and Zak one more time. No matter what it took, he would destroy Elizar, but he couldn’t walk away without saying good-bye to his friends, especially if he had to sacrifice himself and would never see them again. Zak invited him in and the servants served a fine meal of roasted fish and vegetables that Zak had prepared. He laughed when he said they seemed uncomfortable over the fact that the Alpha was in the kitchen, but they watched him with rapt attention.

The meal was succulent. Casey could understand why Zak’s guardians insisted he learn the things they taught him about cooking and diets. His friend worked miracles with the modest amount of vegetables the enclave grew. The fish was tender and flaky, without any kind of aftertaste. The carrots and snap peas had a hint of some peppery spice. If Casey made it back to the enclave, he would have to ask for the recipe.

“Thanks for letting me stay for dinner,” he began. “I’m glad we’ve got a chance to get together. How are you feeling, Jake?”

“Oddly weak. Elizar took a lot out of me. I’m not even healing right. I don’t think I’ve ever been this lethargic.”

“You don’t look so hot either. I mean I never thought you looked hot. Um… I’m going to shut up now.”

“How are you faring, Casey?” Zak asked, then sipped from a glass of water.

“The nights are hard. I keep reaching for Sev, and then remember he’s not there anymore. I have problems falling asleep because I don’t hear him breathing. Yeah, I guess you could say it’s not so good.”

“You’re welcome to stay here,” Jake offered. “We’d be glad to have you.”

“Listening to you two go at it all night is not conducive to good sleep either. Thanks, but it’ll be okay. It will just take some time.”

He scooped a bit more of the vegetables into his mouth when he felt his friend’s eyes on him.

“Why are you here, Casey?” Zak asked, blunt as always.

“Can’t I want to share dinner with my friends?”

“There is more to it than that. I can sense you are not being completely honest. Tell me.”

Casey’s goose bumps told him that Zak was compelling him to answer. He resisted, not wanting to have this turn into an argument, but it did no good. Zak may be fully human, but he held an indomitable willpower.

“I’m going to the spirit realm tomorrow. I wanted to share a last dinner with you both.”

“Fuck that!” Jake snapped. “You go nowhere without me.”

“Neither of you are to go anywhere,” Zak announced. “When I feel that Jake has healed sufficiently, and that you are in your right frame of mind, I will allow it because as Casey explained, it needs to be done. I will not, however, allow my mate and my friend to sacrifice themselves. Am I understood?”

“Yes, Alpha,” they said as one.

“There is dessert. Cyndil found some berries that had been put up in storage. Danilo made some sort of whipped cream for them, though I do not think I wish to know which animal he milked.”

Jake’s laugh was rich, but Casey knew his was hollow. Fire lit in his belly at being told he couldn’t go without Jake. Jake was the Protector, but Casey was the shaman. He knew the spirit realm, and he had the best chance to defeat Elizar. Whether or not Zak agreed didn’t matter. He had people to avenge.

***

They talked long into the evening, sharing stories of their youth and some of their time at college. Casey excused himself, despite Jake once again suggesting he stay, and went back to his home. Inside, he tried to contact Hakiim, hoping for some sort of guidance, but his repeated pleas went unanswered. He wasn’t surprised. He had the feeling that Elizar held them all in sway once again. His stomach roiled at the thought of his friends being subjected to torture after their deaths.

Opening a drawer, he pulled out the candles and placed them in a circle on the floor. He whispered a word, and they all lit, casting an eerie glow on the walls. He anointed himself with oil that would help him slip easily into the land of the spirits. He had just settled on the floor when there was a knock at his door. He wanted to ignore it, but he knew that if he didn’t answer, someone might check with Zak.

“What’s up, Case?”

He flinched at the sound of Jake’s voice. “Go home, Jakey. Please. Just walk away from this.”

“You know Zak forbid you to do this.”

“I know. If I come back, I’ll take whatever punishment he wants, but I’m still going.”

“He knew you would. He sent me here to try and talk you out of it. I told him there was no way you could avoid his order, but he folded his arms over his chest and told me to get my ass over here. Looks like I owe him a blow job.”

The honest laugh felt good. Casey stood and waved his hands over the candles, snuffing the flames.

“I have to do this. Sev can’t have died for nothing. Elizar has to be stopped.”

An arm slung over his shoulder, and Casey couldn’t help but accept the warmth Jake offered. In just over a week, he’d become needy for some sort of touch. The wolf had taken to sleeping outside his house, until Casey needed so badly to interact with someone who would not judge him. The wolf hesitantly entered the house, then flopped in front of the fireplace as if he belonged. Casey stretched out beside him and spoke of his love for Sev, and how he never expected it, but now he had a hard time living without his mate. The wolf licked his cheek like it understood his sadness.

“Zak knows. He sent me because we argued about it. He wants me to stop you from going, but I told him you needed the closure. I explained your heart wouldn’t heal until you could stop Elizar from hurting anyone else. He understands, and he gave me permission to come with you. Though he says you’d better take care of me.”

“Thanks. Really. I can’t tell you what this means. Let’s get started. We need to give you a cup of cleansing tea first off. I had mine a bit ago. I wasn’t expecting company, so I’ll have to brew up a new pot. Won’t take but a few minutes.”

“Explain to me what’s going to happen when we get there.”

Casey busied himself in the kitchen, putting water on to boil and blending some different ingredients for tea. “I wish I knew. Elizar’s been cut off from the enclave. He can’t draw energy from the living anymore, but he’s already sent a lot more over, and he’s going to have that on his side. He’s still going to be strong, but I don’t know what he’s got under the hood, if you know what I mean.”

“Right. So we go in and hit hard?”

“That’s the plan. Here, your tea is done.” Shaky hands handed a cup to Jake, who blew over the cup to cool the hot liquid before he sipped at it.

“This is great. I may want some of this later. So why are we doing this? We’ve never had to drink tea before we went.”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

Jake stared at his cup in horror. “You son of a bitch. You drugged me.”

“I can’t let you come along. If I die, there’s no one who will miss me. The enclave needs you. Zak needs you. I can’t tell you how much it hurts not having Sev in here,” he said, pointing to his chest. “I won’t let Zak go through that. If Elizar wins, he adds my strength to his, but he is still stuck in the spirit realm. I’m relatively certain he can’t ever threaten anyone living again.”

Jake leapt up and punched Casey in the cheek, but the tea had made certain there was no strength to back it up. “You had no right to decide for me. I am the Protector and…and…” Jake slumped to the floor, clutching at his throat. “Don’t do this. Please. Let me come with you.”

“In all my life, you are the only person I ever thought would be by my side when I took my first great adventure. That was wrong. There was you, Zak, and Hakiim. But you need to understand something, and I don’t know that it will make sense to you now. I felt love. For the first time in my life, I understood it. It’s gone. All of it. I can’t live without him. If I do defeat Elizar, I’m not coming back. I’ll stay in the spirit realm and help those who are there to move on to the next life. Maybe one day I’ll meet Sev again, but until then, I truly have nothing left.”

“You stupid son of a bitch. You have me.”

“I’m sorry, Jake. It’s not enough anymore.”

***

Casey waited nearly an hour, certain Zak would notice Jake’s lack of communication and come bursting through the door, his little chicken chest all puffed up, but when nothing happened, he relaxed and took his place among the candles again. The wolf stared at him from the fireplace.

“They’ll take care of you, I promise. Just remember to be nice to Jake. I realize with him being a cat and you being a dog, the two of you are like mortal enemies, but he’s a good man. Take care of him for me, okay?”

The wolf stood and took a few tentative steps toward Casey.

“Sorry, you can’t come with me. There’s nothing on the other side for you.”

The wolf threw back his head and gave a mournful howl as Casey’s only reply. He turned to Jake and lay next to him, his gaze never straying from Casey, who tried to give him a smile. He didn’t understand the depth of the wolf’s grief, but he understood the feeling.

The candles flared to life at Casey’s command, and he again assumed his position. The bonds of life and afterlife blurred as he slid from one reality to another. The time had come to face his own demons.