Science...For Her! (16 page)
FIG. 2.4
IMPORTANT ACIDS:
vinegar, molasses, coffee, lemony semen (I tried dabbing a little lemon juice onto the tip of my boyfriend’s doodle so that when he django’d in my mouth it would taste HALFWAY DECENT, but it 1) didn’t help much with taste and 2) made him scream in pain),
FIG. 2.5
Lemony Snicket (that’s the same as lemony semen, it’s just a cooler name, you put some LEMON on the tip of his SNICKET)
FIG. 2.5
IMPORTANT BASES:
baking soda, Ivory soap, bleach, Tide, dishwasher detergent, normal semen—BLECH!, egg-yolk semen (same as Lemony Snicket but with egg yolks, super disgusting, when I did this I threw up on his dick!), vomit dick
In chemistry, an alcohol is an organic compound in which the hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom. In life, alcohol is the best most fun thing and the only thing that makes living fun!
FIG. 2.6
In fact, I’m already like two shots and a bottle of wine deep. And maybe this is just the booze talking, but hello, I am a bottle of booze and some shots of booze!
There are differences between alcohol as defined by chemistry and the kind of alcohol that gets you pregnant. The type of alcohol in alcoholic drinks is
ethanol
, the chemical compound CH
3
CH
2
OH. A good mnemonic device to remember this compound is “CHA-CHACHACHACHAOH!” Like a flamenco dancer doing a big dance and then realizing that she forgot to wear her turban with fake fruit on it.
Wine is a good alcohol! Wine is made from old grapes. When a grape sits for years and years and years, it becomes alcoholic, just like some grandpas!! I am so clumsy. Sometimes I spill red wine down my throat/mouth like six times a day every day. Whoops!
FIG. 2.6
Chemistry
;)
You’ve probably been distracted this whole chapter by the fact that “chemistry” is SUPPOSED to mean the tingles you feel in your lady-lumps
FIG. 2.7
and gal-valleys when you’re near your crush. Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about now! That’s
chemistry
-chemistry!
The smell of other humans is a really big part of chemistry-chemistry. Smell is honestly one of my top five favorite senses. It’s like right up there with taste, feel, sight, and sound. Actually, you know what?
Fuck sound.
It knows what it did. Actually, fuck sight, taste, and smell too. I’m rolling with just feel. That way I’ll be able to enjoy fuzzy puppies and not have to smell their poop or look at their stupid faces or hear their dumb barks. Speak English, idiots!
FIG. 2.8
FIG. 2.7
Humans give off something called
pheromones
. They are chemicals that trigger responses in members of the same species. Certain pheromones, called
axillary steroids
, are produced by
the testes, ovaries, apocrine glands, and adrenal glands. That being said, love isn’t all just sniffs ’n’ smells. Love is extremely tough, even in the best circumstances. You gals have been on the whole Xander journey with me. You get it. One day you’re deeply in love, and the next day you’re trying to pelt him in the eyeballs with unopened batteries because if he doesn’t want to look at you naked he shouldn’t be able to look at any woman naked. To prove how much love SUCKS sometimes, I’ve ripped this right out of the
New York Times
, which I got from a Starbucks! (I get like
everything
from Starbucks. At Starbucks, it’s so funny that the coffee is five dollars while the napkin dispensers are free!)
FIG. 2.8
Corrections
The
New York Times
would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday’s paper.
We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s.
Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom “attended Cornell University and double-majored in English and Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends.” Mr. Penview, in fact, majored only in English. He did not major in “Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends,” as that is not currently an existing track of study at Cornell or any other accredited university.
We erroneously wrote yesterday that Mr. Penview was the “son of Dr. Ryan Penview, a third-generation ophthalmologist, and Mrs. Claire Penview, a Zuckerberg-ass beaver-bitch.” Mrs. Penview practiced law in New York State until 2004, and is considered by many to be a friendly and beautiful member of her community, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Mark Zuckerberg or his rear end. “Beaver-bitch” is not a profession.
We mischaracterized the bride as having worn “a peace [sic] of shit mayonnaise tent. Also, you know how sometimes people see the Virgin Mary in stuff? It was like that, except you could see Hitler in the wedding dress, but specifically because she had hand-embroidered a picture of Hitler in her dress.” In truth, Ms. Jasper wore Amsale.
Mr. Penview clearly standing on the campus of Cornell University in 1998.
We incorrectly noted yesterday that the couple met “while the bride was dating the totally devoted and now very successful Assistant
New York Times
Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould. Dan guesses he just wasn’t good enough for you Katie, because you had to go hump that piece of shit Adam Penview that you met at the English
major mixer while Dan left Ithaca for the weekend to go to his Nana’s 90th birthday in Needham, Mass. Dan even brought you back a hat from the birthday party that said ‘Ethel’s Doin’ It for One Night Only.’ FYI, Adam, it counts as incest if you sleep with another English major’s girlfriend, since English majors are BASICALLY BROTHERS. Nana will live forever!!!” Though factually correct, the
New York Times
apologizes for the way in which Mr. Penview and Ms. Jasper’s first meeting and relationship history were portrayed. Additionally, the hat actually read “Ethel’s Not 90 . . . She’s 89.95 Plus Tax.” She has since passed.
We wrote that the couple was married by “a dildo with googly eyes, which is the kind of freaky stuff Adam is into.” They were married by Father Norman Murray. Additionally, Mr. Penview is into regular stuff.
Yesterday, we printed that “God Katie sorry I’m writing all this I’ve taken a lot of Robitussin you are so beautiful. You look like a young Nancy Kerrigan. Oh God I love you.” In fact, Mr. Gould had only taken a moderate amount of Robitussin.
We wrote yesterday that “Katie sorry you can’t fucking deal with my Jew strength you blimp-bitch.” Ms. Jasper, in truth, can deal with said Jew strength.
Yesterday, we wrote, “Katie, I’m so sorry, oh God, please come back, I think you can get weddings annulled really easily, it’s like a five-second-rule-type thing. Also Adam, I’m really sorry about all the googly eye stuff, I actually think you’re a pretty good guy, I once had a dream that you were a creature that had your torso and face but a gay man’s body and you saved me from Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Contagion.’ Granted, I had taken a lot of Robitussin that night, but when I woke up I did feel sincerely indebted to the top half of you.” We don’t know where to start. The
New York Times
is just so sorry for this entire paragraph.
Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol’
New York Times
what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!
We wrote in the paragraph above that “Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol’
New York Times
what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!” In actuality, Dan Gould just broke back into the Corrections department and stole the computer that I’m writing this on. He has been promptly escorted from the building and arrested. In addition, the
New York Times
is an extremely current print newspaper that offers breaking unbiased news and fun crossword puzzles. Fuck Dan Gould.
We retract “Fuck Dan Gould.”
We apologize for these mistakes.
