Science...For Her! (5 page)

FIG. 0.21

(my best friend who loves devil’s three-ways), Naftalia (my best friend who loves sound effects), Golda (my best friend who has never been tested for AIDS, WTF), Norma (my best friend who’s Canadian), Dani (my best friend who hates firemen for a bunch of reasons), Phillipa (my best friend who has a super hot brother), H.P.T. (my best friend to play Hey Lolly with), Jackie (my best friend who knows how to mix all these amazing drinks like margaritas OMG so good), Jane (my best friend who I’m extremely attracted to), Fluffy (my best friend that I love so, so much despite her extra skin), Branty (my best friend who is a goddamn great editor with a goddamn stupid name), Alex (my best friend who is my twin who I love even though Alex used to call me a Chunk Spelunker to make fun of me for being fat and also Alex made me sign a contract saying I owed Alex my hologram Charizard Pokemon card even though I didn’t need to sign it, it was all a ruse, the contract was in crayon for chrissakes), Carol (my best friend who’s my mom, mother-daughter relations can be tough but I love her so much but also like it’s tough, you know? But honestly she’s my best friend and I wouldn’t know what to do without her. I owe literally everything in my life to her. But also it’s like tough, you know?).
FIG. 0.22

And most of all: you. You are my
real
best friend.

FIG. 0.22

Hey ladies!!!!!!!

Welcome to my book. Thank you for coming. I am so overjoyed you were able to make it today. As a busy modern woman in today’s modern lifestyle, you could have been anywhere, but instead you have opted to make room in your schedule to be at my book. So: thank you.

And, if you’re reading this, congrats are in order: you can read! Literacy is tough in a girl’s busy schedule, and I commend you on being able to balance work, family, and reading. You go, girl! Can I get a “what what”?

Let me pause for a moment. This is going to have to be on an honor code, since I will never actually be able to tell if you’re giving me said “what what” or not. That’s just the implicit agreement that we’re going to enter into if you’re going to be reading this book with me. When I ask you for things, like “what whats,” I’m going to just assume you’re audibly giving me them. From now on, I trust you. Ladies: don’t lie to other ladies, ladies. If I feel like this isn’t working, I might have to start making you mail in audio recordings of you giving me my rightful double whats, and none of us wants that.

Now, on to why you’re here. Science. From the Latin
scientia
, meaning “science.” Science is the study of the beautiful world around us. A man looking closely at a woman’s boobs? That’s science (anthropology). Ted Bundy cutting off a woman’s boobs so he can wear them? Also science (erotic anatomy, or “manthropology”). Anthropologie? A cute store!!

My book
Science . . . for Her!
is absolutely vital for the female population. (NOTE: I was going to call this book
Science for Dummies
, but apparently that was already taken.) Science is hard for most people, let alone
women
. It has been demonstrated repeatedly throughout history: female brains aren’t biologically constructed to understand scientific concepts, and tiny female hands aren’t constructed to turn most textbooks’ large, heavy covers.
FIG. 0.23
In school, I suffered through the pain of having to learn from math and science textbooks designed for men. Anatomy?! More like I-Can’t-Mommy! The subjects were incomprehensible. I was so bad at math that I became a writer. And even that was hard. Writing is like word-math! In this book, I present basic high school math and science concepts in a way that is tailored for the female brain (in the form of a
Cosmopolitan
magazine!). You’ll instantly be set at ease by the way my book mimics a women’s-interest periodical, your comfort zone. Fun quizzes!
Sex advice! Skorts! The page numbers may be out of order (since math is VERY hard), but the content is all there.

FIG. 0.23

My life used to be completely different. I didn’t know a thing about science, and I
couldn’t have been happier
. I would go through my days oblivious to how ignorant I was, indulging in my favorite hobbies of designing quinoa-inspired sunglasses and buying Lasik for my dog. But one day my then-boyfriend Xander told me we had to talk. He sternly sat me down on his face and told me we were breaking up. I started sobbing and begging—I needed him! What did I do to deserve this! He calmly explained it was because I didn’t know any science. He was upset that I had lied on my résumé and was now in charge of NASA’s northwest division and responsible for many, if not all, previous space shuttle crashes.

That was very eye-opening for me. That very day, I bought myself a bunch of science textbooks and the cutest purple bra and three pints of Ben & Jerry’s and humped two guys named Ben and one named Jerry. I worked harder than I ever had before. In the very first day, I was able to teach myself chemistry, geology, and how to slash a car’s tires.
FIG. 0.24
On an unrelated note, my ex-boyfriend Xander’s tires got slashed. Can I get a “yee-haw!”? I assume I did!

Most of you, like me, have probably experienced the supreme embarrassment that comes from not knowing the science that men have mastered at an early age. Up until now, the only female science textbook was
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
, and honestly, I’ve recently learned that that’s a metaphor and not an advanced astrobiology textbook. Score one for you guys, former NASA coworkers! You were right! I have no use for books that feed impressionable women a load of metaphoric language. Like
Where’s Waldo?
No one can ever actually
find
Waldo. It’s just a stupid metaphor about how we’re all metaphysically adrift in a harsh world that feels like a homogeneous sea and OH MY GOD THERE HE IS! On the rock behind the big top of the circus!
(NOTE: I apologize, I was doing a
Where’s Waldo?
book during the writing of this introduction. I promise that won’t happen again. Can I get an “I accept your apology, Megan”?)

FIG. 0.24

Read this book, and you, woman, will become a master of your surroundings. Here are just a few things you’ll learn how to do through science!:

• Make a biological clock out of a potato!

• Learn scientifically why women can’t drive!

• See which microbe on Mars is the best kind to date!

• Slash your ex-boyfriend’s tires!

• Take a fun, flirty quiz to see if you have cancer!

• Good riddance to him, he sucked!

• Memorize physics formulae through nail art!

• Use chemistry in the kitchen!

• His face was super cute, though!

• In fact, he kind of looked like Waldo!

• Maybe that’s the reason I need to “find” Waldo, he looks like my ex!

• Or maybe it’s because I never had a dad!

• I love you, Daddy-Waldo!

I also promise that, to help with the brain pains that will come with so much learning, I will check in every once in a while and let all you ladies know the latest fashion trends that I’m wearing. Right now, I’m wearing a Juicy Couture tracksuit top, a Louis Vuitton pantsuit bottom, and a Victoria’s Secret buttsuit (that’s what I call underwear).

Though it might not seem like it now, this book is going to be the most important thing in your life pretty soon. More important than air, blood, and fun lotions combined (ew, don’t combine those!). Not to be a buzzkill, but it’s our responsibility as modern women to take control of our lives and academic relationships with men, and learning science is the first step to an equal intellectual footing for gender equality. Oh, speaking of steps and footing, I almost forgot: I’m also wearing Prada footsuits (shoes)!

Please just put your faith in me, babes. As a self-professed strong, successful, educated, bloated (ugh!) woman, I am the perfect person to attack an institution of gender inequality in the sciences. And everyone loves when a woman gets on a soapbox! You can see up her skirt!

Thank you very much for getting through my introduction. In the immortal words of Isaac Newton: “Please enjoy the rest of Megan Amram’s book. I’m Isaac Newton.” Now set your biological clocks to study time, because here we go!

MEGAN AMRAM

Writer / Alleged “Astronaut Killer”