Screens and Teens (11 page)

So how can we help teens keep from buying into the culture of new?

1. We can resist the urge to buy them whatever they want
. We may, however, let them earn and save up to buy things they'd like to have after they've worked for it. We can help them learn to manage their money.
¹⁸
It's great training for teens to explain and defend their desire to spend money—yours or their own—on some new technology or tool. Our ensuing conversation will allow us to reinforce values, teach decision-making and thinking skills, establish priorities, and define tech as a tool and not a right.

2. We can say no when it's appropriate
. A parental no can drive a teen to creative solutions. We help them succeed by teaching them to save up. We can help them value what they've already got by encouraging them to donate an old toy or video game every time they buy or receive a new one. We can value their outgrown tools and toys the same way we value their outgrown clothes—by giving them away to someone who needs or values them. When they can't just discard old things, they revisit the value of those items—and that can cultivate gratitude in their hearts.

3. We can help them recognize the temporary “buzz” from getting something new
. How long a gap is there between “I've just got to have this or that!” to “Oh, that old thing! Now I need this instead”? Help your kids notice that some of the stuff now relegated to the back of their closets once gave them an amazing feeling of great satisfaction. Point out how short a time those feelings of gratification last. As Chapman and Pellicane remind us in
Growing Up Social
, “The kind of happiness that comes from acquiring things is temporary at best. We do children a great
disservice when we give them everything they want. This is not how the real world works.”
¹⁹

We Live in a Culture of Restart

The culture of restart is a teen's default mode. Partly because the “culture of new” influences them, they'd rather restart something than repair it. Those of us who are older are willing to try to repair broken things. How many times have I pounded my rake back together after the end flew off with the leaves I tossed into a pile? Far too many to count!

Technology has taught teens that many things appear to fix themselves with just a restart. We can unplug, or power down, the device. Then, after a short waiting period, we can power back up, and it magically works. Hooray for the quick-fix reboot! I'm so glad this works! However, it seems to be sending our teens a false message that there are never any truly serious consequences. It's as if nothing
really
breaks.

Because of the culture of restart, many teens don't fully understand consequences. They don't see any consequences when their technology reboots. So they may think there aren't any consequences when they make certain decisions or mistakes in relationships or careers that force a restart. But there often are. Heartache can last a long time. For example, a teen may make a throwaway comment on social media, only to find that it offends a friend or finds its way to someone who could be hurt by it. The damage can be done before a post can be removed—and the relationship
damage can't be undone by clicking “Undo.”

Many young people believe they can edit or completely delete problems, much like they can improve or delete pictures taken with their phones. They can choose to not post a picture of the one negative encounter at a party. Now it's as if it never happened, out of sight and out of mind.

Teens who pretend mistakes don't happen and problems don't exist without an easy answer may never ask for help or they may refuse it when help is offered. Therefore, problems may continue and grow. Learning won't occur.

Parents can help teens acclimate to real-world consequences and cause and effect.

1. We can help our children understand consequences
. We can allow our children to feel the natural or parental consequences of their poor choices. Talk about cause-effect relationships and look for teachable moments to demonstrate that some things break and can't always be restarted, repaired easily, or repaired at all. If you tell your daughter she won't be allowed to attend any social functions on the weekend if her room isn't tidied by then, don't cave in and let her go anyway when the room is a wreck and she is tearfully begging. If you've got a policy of matching gaming time with reading hours, stick to the policy and insist the game stops when the teen's “minutes” are used up.

2. We can allow our teens to take responsibility for their actions
. Sometimes the “easy fix” capabilities of technology may lead them to
not
see their own culpabilities when things go wrong
in life and relationships. Watch for this and don't let them live in denial. Talk about how words and actions hurt people's hearts. Talk about invisible wounds. It's not about punishment, although that may sometimes be appropriate. It's more about allowing natural consequences to fall into place and us choosing to not rescue our kids from the need to take personal responsibility. For example, if our teens are mean to their peers—say, sending bully-type texts or posting private information as social media updates—they may not be invited to hang out with others. They won't be trusted. If they're caught cheating on a test, they won't be left alone while studying to make sure they take it seriously and they will be separated and carefully observed during the next test. If they spend more time gaming than they're allowed to, they lose the privilege to game for a designated period of time. These types of consequences help teens learn cause and effect and that not everything can just be “restarted.”

3. We can use our words to help them connect the dots between cause and effect
. An effective way to promote personal responsibility is to use phrases such as “Your bullying texts
caused
your friends to ignore you.” “
Your decision
means you lose computer privileges.” “
You chose
to ignore what I asked you to do that you said you would do.” If our teens complain, we just repeat the phrases
you caused
and
your decision
and
you chose
. Of course, similar phrases work to affirm our teens' wise decisions: “
You chose
to turn off the Wii as soon as you heard the timer go off. Thanks for that!” or “
Your decision
honored your younger brother. Way to go!”

We Live in a Culture of Entitlement

Many parents—and teachers and employers!—complain about the culture of entitlement. Entitlement causes teens to want what they want when they want it, without having to work for it, and sometimes just because everybody else has it. Their pursuit of happiness is fueled by entitlement. Also, entitled kids want others to fix their problems and clean up their messes. They don't take responsibility for themselves and they want to be treated as the exception to the rule.

Erin Long blogged about “6 Small Habits to Increase Contentment when Life Isn't Easy”: “Our sense of entitlement can hold us back from embracing the beauty in our lives and seeing the blessings that are in front of us. We experience contentment when we choose to reframe how we look at our circumstances and ground our expectations in reality.”
²⁰

Parents take the leading role in breaking their teens' sense of entitlement. Here are some ways to help.

1. We can examine our own attitudes
. Do our teens hear us complain about it not being fair that we don't have the latest and greatest tablet or gadget after seeing a “cool” commercial? Do we appear to resent colleagues who have bigger offices or newer phones even though they earned them? Have we appeared to place our security, and even our identity, in what we think we
should own? If so, ask God to reveal the lessons you can learn and with humility (and as appropriate) pass those lessons on to your children. If your role modeling wasn't exactly great along these lines in the past, own it, and explain how you are making adjustments.

2. We can help our teens understand the difference between wants and needs
. It's a key to making sure their core needs are met in healthy ways. If life is always about what they want, they'll never be satisfied or content. God didn't design us to be satisfied by things or to place our security in our stuff. If you've learned that the hard way, be vulnerable and honest with your kids. It helps if we're careful how we use the words
want
and
need
. We can correct our kids when they use the wrong word and we can ask them to help us in the same way. It may be a habit we need to break. Do we
need
a cup of coffee or
want
one? Do we
need
to text a friend or do we
want
to? Also, we can think about how we ask them to help us. Do we
want
them to empty the dishwasher or do we
need
them to? Do we
want
them to carry clean clothes upstairs or do we
need
them to?

3. We can cultivate thankfulness
. Thankfulness balances out entitlement. Any gift that our kids are given should be acknowledged with a handwritten thank-you note that's put in the mail. This slows down life and lets our kids be reminded that their gifts aren't “deserved” but rather a blessing. They acknowledge the time, money, and effort given by the gift-giver. If you're not in the habit of writing thank-you notes, start with yourself and encourage
your kids to do the same. Instill that attitude of gratitude. Being truly grateful increases humility, contentment, and joy.

Sometimes teens feel more thankful when they've been exposed to children and teens who have less than they do. I remember watching children in the slums of Africa happily kicking rocks back and forth. There was no entitlement there! Those kids didn't know to wish for what they didn't know they didn't have. They appeared content to focus on that day and their reality. When you see people enjoying what they have or content in their circumstances, mention it to your teens. Draw their attention to the joy that comes with gratitude and contentment.

4. We can model our dependence on God's provision
. We need to articulate for teens what it means to ask God for our “daily bread.” Have you ever thought about the words at the beginning of the Lord's Prayer? Matthew 6:11 reads, “Give us today our daily bread.” I've had meaningful discussions with teens and young adults about why Jesus taught His disciples—and that's us, too!—to ask for just our
daily
bread. Depending on God for what we need today helps us battle entitlement as we increase our trust in God's provision and pursue joy rather than happiness.

5. We can modify our gift-giving
. To combat entitlement, many parents give just three gifts to each child at Christmas—something to wear, something for fun, and something educational. They also ask grandparents to not go overboard. Giving fewer gifts, together with helping teens give toys and clothes away when they're getting new ones, can keep the focus off ourselves and on
others. These could be changes we make as a family or changes we implement as legitimate consequences for our teens' demanding, complaining, I'm-never-satisfied attitudes. Living from a selfless default is much more rewarding than a self-centered approach to life. We just have to help our kids discover this.

We Live in a Culture of Winning

Have you observed the culture of winning in your teens? Combined with the culture of entitlement, they expect higher and higher rewards each time they play. They expect to win regularly, too! Winning can be so important that children restart some games because they can't risk losing. Especially for gamers, this high-speed-equals-high-rewards culture is a huge contributor to living out the happiness lie.

Because playing often makes higher scores realistic, some teens conclude that doing well is only a factor of time, but not talent, skill, or effort. This is why it can be challenging and stressful to truly need to rely on talent, skill, or effort when studying, practicing a musical instrument, memorizing Bible verses, and the like.

Have you noticed teens' need for instant feedback and instant gratification? Gaming can be a factor. Games automatically keep score and often light up or vibrate when certain feats are accomplished. Our young people are conditioned to know immediately how well they're doing. Many parents, grandparents, and teachers have told me kids expect lots of feedback and it can be time-consuming
and challenging to keep them satisfied. When teens don't know where they stand in the real world, some have told me they get nervous, insecure, and distracted. They have a need to keep score. For some, scoring points is like a drug fix.
²¹

Think about this: Playing games that keep score makes self-evaluation unnecessary. Our kids don't have to take a minute to ask themselves how they are doing. They don't need to reflect on their efforts. Many teachers have told me more and more students are asking for immediate feedback with a demanding tone when turning in their work. When teachers ask how they think they did, they hear things like, “I don't know. You haven't graded it yet.”

How can parents help their kids get over the idea that they need to win?

1. We can help our teens learn to evaluate their own work
. We can provide specific feedback about the process they used and the product they achieved. Ideally, we provide it after they tell us how they think they did and why. This can increase their ability to self-evaluate. Eventually they need to become less dependent on technology, teachers, and us, and decide for themselves if they're satisfied with how they did. So, although they want us to tell them
how they did and may need us to at the beginning of this transition, let's stand our ground and tell them less often so they learn to trust their inner voice. In time, we want them not to look to our voice to affirm or correct them but rather to learn to hear God's voice for guidance and feedback (John 14:26).