Connecting through conversations also allows us to have faith-based discussions. The earlier our children turn to God to meet their needs for security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence, the better. Of course, we can't force children to accept Christ or it wouldn't be a loving and trusted personal relationship with Him. That said, don't ever give up or stop praying about their relationship with God!
A vibrant relationship with Christ is more than something that sustains us during challenges. That's why ongoing conversations are important. We want our teens to adopt and live out a Christian worldview that puts God at the center of the universe. Rather than making self-centered decisions, we want them to filter everything through what they know about God. Trusting Christ isn't just about being in heaven the day we die. It's about living for and with Him. Conversations help us teach and model this agenda for living.
We can emphasize the truths we've learned ourselves during conversations. Talking about how practically to apply what God is teaching us can be extremely relevant conversations (and even enjoyable!). This can strengthen teens' relationship with God and their ability to use the truths they know throughout the day. We can also use teachable moments and when the time is right,
we can discuss sermons, current events, school assignments, and other issues they're thinking about.
The goal? Deep, meaningful, safe conversations.
Contracts between a parent and a teen can cause a disconnectâthe very thing nobody wants. Contracts often close down communication rather than invite it. Many contracts are demeaning to one party or both. They can communicate that we don't trust our children to think things through and make wise choices. They don't take into consideration that life gets in the way of living! For example, our teens can't control what they'll be doing when their phone rings or which music might be played at a party. They can't guarantee a friend will choose a movie we'd approve of to watch when having friends over. To expect them to control any of this, bring it up to their peers, and report back to us is unrealistic and stressful.
You may have responded in your mind,
But I
don't
trust my kids!
Please know a contract might make you feel better, but by itself it won't build trust. It can communicate “I don't trust you, therefore you will sign this.” It can actually build deceit and mistrust as kids violate something in the contract, but don't tell you. They may learn to hide or to lie. They may judge you harshly as they observe you violating the very principles you say are in their best interest. Most will do this silently or with siblings. They'll learn not to trust you.
What connects with kids? What builds their trust? Honest, detailed communication about what our expectations are and what we'll do and why if they disregard them. This is where contracts may helpâwhen you lay down initial guidelines and family expectations.
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Start talking about technology and tech issues as early as you canâwhen kids are young, if that's possible. Our consistent life of love for them must compel us to instruct and guideâand not just talk. We're in the business of passing on our God-honoring worldview, and this will take healthy connections based on growing relationships and regular conversations.
Rather than laying down a lecture, we need to have conversations that communicate our optimism and include relevant instruction. We need to be in the right mood and not rushed so we can share together while going for a walk, sitting in their bedrooms, and doing things we all enjoy. Remember, we want to avoid the handcuffs and bright, white light effects. We shouldn't be afraid of their ideas and questions, but openly discuss them and incorporate what we can. Shared power gives us more unity, strength, and influence.
If you've been using a contract, I hope you're becoming empowered to move your teens toward the day when they can make wise decisions when there's no contract in place. Discuss with
your teens about growing into a stage when they can make wise decisions for themselves without a contract to do the thinking for them.
Remember the five lies? For a contract to work, teens have to be willing to â¦
⢠be taught by someone other than themselves,
⢠view us as authority,
⢠let us limit and control their choices,
⢠not always prioritize personal happiness, and
⢠care about others.
Hello, challenge! Those are all the areas that are most difficult for teens! Rather than a contract that tells them what to do and what not to do, let's teach them what's best. If we parent them so they discover the lies they've believed are actually lies, they'll begin to long for the truth. We're in a position to connect and communicate so that truths become truer and truer as our teens embrace life.
They need to be taught how to
think
about technology. We do this through modeling and conversations rich with truth. We keep on guiding and leading, complimenting and correcting, listening and watching with a heart to understand. We keep on noticing what's right and not just what's wrong. We keep on implementing positive and negative consequences. More than anything, we keep on being presentâparenting and learning with
them, while knowing that's a sign of strength, not weakness. We keep on teaching, explaining, being open to their ideas, and answering their questions.
If you've been using a contract to guide your kids' tech time and tech decisions, work toward guiding your child to making those good decisions on their own. Approach changes not through the “letter of the law” but through the teaching opportunities afforded through relational grace.
At Celebrate Kids, we believe children are capable of age-appropriate wisdom when it comes to technology. So are adults! Guidance, teaching, and right character are certainly going to make wisdom more likely. And wisdom means applying the right information in the right way in a relevant situation. Using the Word of God accurately and wisely is part of the “right information” and the “right way.”
To facilitate right thinking without the use of contracts, I recommend asking questions well. As you evaluate your own tech use and guide your family, don't hesitate to implement your own ideas and parameters based on what you've experienced and what will work for you and your family. You won't need all the questions I'm providing in this chapter. Trust your own judgment. Tweak the wording to sound like you. Work through these questions a few at a time, when your kids are old enough to engage with them. Begin with the questions you think will actually help your teens the most.
These questions are also available at
ScreensAndTeens.com
,
so that you can print them out for easier use. These are not contracts but simply conversation starters designed to engage teens and guide their thinking and not designed to control their behavior.
As you spend time in Q&A with your teens, continually assess whether your conversation reflects biblical values and a Christian worldview. Let that guide you toward places where change might be needed.
Thinking with Four Cs
Contact
. What kind of online world do I want to have? Do I want it to be made up of more people than just those who make me happy? Is this person who wants to connect with me (or who I want to connect with) someone I should allow into my online world? Would I want this person in my offline world? Would I want my parents to know we're connected?
Connect
. Are my tech habits driving me away from my parents? Siblings? Others? Or are they helping me connect? Is anything I'm participating in negatively affecting my views of authority?
Conduct
. Is my behavior appropriate? Am I being the “me” I know I want to be? Does this tech or social network help me with my growth and maturity or tempt me to do foolish or hurtful things? Am I listening to authority figures who can help me, or do I believe I can figure out what's best on my own?
Content
. Is the content I'm discovering, paying attention to,
and even just scrolling past appropriate? Am I willing to dig deep, when appropriate, or am I always satisfied with information? Does this approach fit with who I say I want to be?
Thinking with Five Ls
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What are my loves?
What am I for? What am I passionate about? What do I prioritize? Does my use of
technology support or undermine my answers? Does it help me find other things I may want to prioritize? If your teen, for example, had her own vision greatly improved by vision screening, she may develop a passion for making sure underresourced kids get vision screening. She might spend some online time researching eye doctors in the area with the goal of asking them about donating time at the apartment complex by school.
What are my longings?
What do I say I want? What do I need? What do I hear myself talk about a lot? What do I think about in the middle of the night? Does my use of technology support or undermine my answers? Does it help me find other things I may want or need? For example, a teen may state a goal of staying close with his grandparents, but he may not be making time to talk on the phone with them because he's so much more comfortable with texting. His grandparents may learn how to send him text messages, but he might realize that he needs to make time to use the communication tool that's most comfortable for them.
What are my loyalties?
What are my commitments? What are my unchangeables at this point in my life? Does my use of technology help me stay committed? Does it link me with other things I may want to commit to? Does it undermine my commitments? For example, a teen may be committed to improving as a singer, so he spends time watching videos online demonstrating proper warm-up and breathing techniques.
What are my labors?
Do I work hard at the things I say matter? Do my loves, longings, and loyalties show up here? Does my use of technology support my labors? Does it direct me to other things I may want to work hard at? Or does my tech use undermine the things I say that I care most about? For example, a teen might say that gaming is relatively unimportant but then invest many, many hours trying to get a higher score on a game. That would be laboring over something that is not a chosen priority.
What are my liturgies?
What healthy habits and rhythms am I establishing for my life? Does my use of technology support my habits? Does it help me discover other habits I may want to establish? Does it undermine my values? For example, a teen boy might decide that he needs to start each morning with more than just a quick Bible verse and wants to make that an essential habit, so he asks his youth pastor and dad to text him passages to reflect on. At the end of the day, he shares with either his youth pastor or his dad how these verses affected his behavior and feelings through his day. This is a great example of technology reinforcing the healthy habits this teen has chosenâand for building and maintaining relationship with authority figures, too.
Thinking about Social media
8
Am I seeking approval?
Am I lonely or disappointed in how my day has gone and that's why I need approval now? Am I confused about who I really am and expecting online friends to help me figure it out by what they do and don't like? Would it be wiser to talk with someone offline about my feelings? Paul wrote, “Love rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
Am I boasting?
There's a difference between bragging and sharing good news so people can share in our joy. If I'm feeling like I
need
others to know about something I've done, why do I? Paul wrote, “Love does not boast” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Am I discontent?
Why do I think posting something will help my attitude? Or do I not want help? Do I want people to attend my pity party instead? Scrolling our social media feeds can feed dissatisfaction and our discontentment can grow. Instead, I can ask what do I have to be grateful for and who can I talk with who will support me? Jesus wants us to find rest in Him when we are “weary and burdened” (Matthew 11:28). Paul reminds us to “carry each other's burdens” (Galatians 6:2), and he also teaches that love “always hopes” (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Is this a moment to protect?
Why do I want to share something publically that could remain private? What would the other people involved think if I posted about it? What are the advantages of this remaining more intimate and just between us? Paul instructs that love “always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Is it kind?
Although our culture may suggest we can
comment on anything we want and share whatever we want, we know better. Just because the Internet may make us feel safe, we still are responsible for what we communicate and how. Paul's list about love includes that “love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4), and Jesus instructs that we'll be known by our love (John 13:35).
Thinking about Relationships
Is my Internet activity reinforcing healthy relational perspectives?
Am I viewing examples of truth and grace? Am I positive and optimistic when relating? Do I prioritize personal happiness too much when interacting? Am I speaking the truth in love and keeping things private that should be private? Am I reporting to adults things I should?
Are my online communities personally uplifting?
After being on them awhile, am I more optimistic or pessimistic? More at peace or more agitated? More energized or apathetic? More content or discontented?
Would I want teens around me to follow my example of online activity and tech use?
Am I making wise choices about who to connect with and why? Am I ending online relationships well that are no longer healthy? Is my use of technology a stumbling block for anyone?
