Sea Swept (31 page)

She felt she’d made too many mistakes years before. If she had continued along the path she blindly raced down after losing her innocence and her mother, she would have been doomed.

She’d had to learn not to blame herself for the things she had done during that dark part of her life, not to wallow in guilt for the hurt she’d caused the people who loved
her. Guilt was a negative emotion. Anna preferred positive actions, results, direction.

What she had chosen and accomplished had been for her grandparents, for her mother, and for that terrified child curled on the side of a dark road.

It had taken time, a long healing time, before it came to her that while she’d lost her mother, her grandparents had lost their only child. A daughter they loved. Despite their grief, they opened their home to Anna; despite her destructive actions, their hearts never faltered.

Eventually she learned to accept the loss, the horrors she’d experienced. More, she learned to accept that everything she had done for the two years following that night was the result of a wounded soul. She was fortunate to have people love her enough to help her heal.

When she found her way again, she promised herself that she would never be reckless again.

Impulse was saved for foolish things. Spending sprees, long, fast drives to nowhere. It had become so important to her that she remain basically practical, motivated, and rational that she had buried that reckless bent of her heart. Now, she thought, it was that same heart that had led her to this.

Loving Cameron Quinn was ridiculously reckless. And she knew it was going to cost her.

But her emotions were her own responsibility, she decided. That was something she had learned the hard way. She would handle them, and she would survive them.

But it was just so odd, she admitted, and leaned against the open patio door to catch the early-evening breeze. She’d always believed that if she ever experienced love, she would be aware of every stage of it. She’d hoped to enjoy it—the gradual slide she’d imagined, the mutual awareness of deepening feelings.

But there had been no gradual slide, no gentle fall with Cam. It was one fast, hard tumble. One moment, she felt attraction, interest, enjoyment. Then it seemed she no more than blinked before she was headlong in love.

She imagined it would scare him to death—as he was racing for the hills. The image made her laugh a little. They were well matched there, she decided. She would like to do some fast running in the opposite direction herself. She’d been prepared for an affair but far from ready for a love affair.

So analyze, she ordered herself. What was it about him that made the difference? His looks? On a little hum of pleasure, she closed her eyes. There was little doubt that’s what had gained her attention initially. What woman wouldn’t look twice, then look again at those dangerous, dark looks? The restless steel-colored eyes, the firm mouth that was equally appealing in a grin or a snarl. His body was the perfect female fantasy of tough muscle, rough hands, and lean lines.

Naturally she’d been attracted. And his quick mind had intrigued her. So had his arrogance, she admitted—though it was a lowering thought. But it was his heart that had changed everything. Oh, she hadn’t expected that generous heart—recklessly generous. He had so much to give and was so unaware of it.

He thought himself selfish, hard-bitten, even cold. And she imagined he could be. But where it counted most, he was warm and giving. She didn’t think he was fully aware of how much he was offering Seth or how their relationship was changing.

She sincerely doubted he fully understood that he loved the boy. And Anna realized it was that blind spot in Cam to his own goodness that had undone her.

She supposed, when it came down to it, falling in love with him had actually been sensible.

Staying in love with him would be disastrous. She would have to work on that.

The phone rang, distracting her. Carrying her wine, she walked back in and picked up the portable on the coffee table. “Hello.”

“Miz Spinelli. Working?”

She couldn’t stop the smile. “Working something out,
yes.” An aria soared out of her stereo as she sat down, propped her feet on the coffee table. “You?”

“Ethan and I have a little something we’ll fiddle with tonight yet. Then I’m not even going to think about work until Monday.”

He had a portable phone himself and had wandered outside, where he might find some privacy. It was Seth’s turn to do the dinner dishes, and he heard another plate hit the floor with a crash. “They’re calling for fair weather tomorrow.”

“Are they? That’s handy.”

“You could still drive up tonight.”

It was tempting, but she’d already given in to too many impulses where he was concerned. “I’ll be there early enough in the morning.”

“I don’t suppose you have a bikini. A red one.”

She tucked her tongue in her cheek. “No, I don’t . . . mine’s blue.”

He waited a beat. “Don’t forget to pack.”

“If I pack—if I stay—I keep the key to the bedroom door.”

“You’re so strict.” He watched an egret sail over the water and into a nest atop a marker. Making for home, he thought, settling in.

“Just cautious, Quinn. And very smart. How’s the building coming?”

“Along,” he murmured. He liked hearing her voice, feeling the moist air move, watching the evening slide gentle as a kiss over water and trees. “I’ll show you when you’re here.”

He wanted to show her Seth’s sketch. He’d framed it himself that afternoon and wanted to share it with. . . someone who mattered. “We’ll probably get started on the first boat next week.”

“Really? That quick?”

“Why wait? It’s time to put our money down and see how the dice fall. I’ve been feeling lucky lately.” From the house behind him he heard the puppy bark madly,
followed by Simon’s deeper tones. Then Phillip’s voice, raised in a half shout, half laugh and echoed by the rarely heard sound of Seth’s giggle.

It made him turn, stare at the house. The back door opened, and the two canine forms bulleted out, tumbling over each other as they reached the steps. And there, framed in the doorway with the kitchen light washing through, was the boy, grinning.

Whatever pulled at Cam’s heart pulled hard. For a moment, just one wild moment, he thought he heard the creak of the porch rocker and his father’s low chuckle.

“Jesus, it’s weird,” he murmured.

The connection began to waver and crackle as he walked. “What?”

“Everything.” He found himself gripping the phone tighter, yearning for her with a wild, almost desperate desire. “You should be here. I miss you.”

“I can’t hear you.”

He realized he’d been stepping away from the house, a kind of knee-jerk denial of the sensation of being drawn in.

Coming home. Settling in.

With a shake of his head, he walked back until the connection cleared, and thanked God for the vagaries of technology. “I said . . . what are you wearing?”

She laughed softly, looked down at her baggy, practical sweats. “Why, nothing much,” she purred, and both of them fell into the ease of phone flirting with various sensations of relief.

A
SHORT TIME later, Cam set the phone on the porch steps and wandered down to the dock. Water lapped gently against the hull of the boat. Night birds were stirring, and the deep two-toned call of an owl in the woods beyond led the chorus. The sea was ink-dark under the fragile light of a thumbnail moon.

There was work to do. He knew Ethan would be waiting for him. But he needed to sit there by the water for a moment. To sit in the quiet while stars winked on and the owl called endlessly, patiently, for its mate.

He didn’t jump when he saw the movement beside him. He was getting used to it. He couldn’t count the times he’d sat on this same dock under this same sky with his father. It occurred to him that it was probably a little different to sit here with his father’s ghost, but what the hell. Nothing about his life was the same as it once had been.

“I knew you were here,” Cam said quietly.

“I like to keep an eye on things.” Ray, dressed in fisherman’s pants and a short-sleeved sweatshirt that Cam remembered had once been bright blue, dangled a line in the water. “Been a while since I did any night fishing.”

Cameron decided that if Ray pulled up a wriggling catfish, it would most likely send him over the thin edge of sanity. “How close an eye?” he asked, thinking of Anna and just what the two of them did in the dark.

Ray chuckled. “I always respected my boys’ privacy, Cam. Don’t you worry about that. She sure is a looker,” he said lightly. “She tries to cover it up when she’s working, but a man with a good eye can see through it. You always had a good eye for the ladies.”

“How about you?” Cam hated himself for asking. It was such a peaceful night, such a perfect one. But he never knew how long these visitations—hallucinations, whatever they were—would last. He had to ask. “How was your eye for the ladies, Dad?”

“Sharp enough—landed on your mother, didn’t it?” And Ray sighed. “I never touched another woman after I made my vows to Stella, Cam. I looked, I appreciated, I enjoyed, but I never touched.”

“You have to tell me about Seth.”

“I can’t. It’s not the way it has to be. You did a good thing by the boy, making him a part of the business you’re starting by using his drawings. He needs to feel that he’s a part of things. I wish I’d had more time with him, with
all of you. But that’s not the way it has to be either.”

“Dad—”

“You know what I miss, Cam? The silliest things. Watching the three of you argue over something. There were times when your mother and I thought you’d bicker us crazy, but I miss that now. And early-morning fishing when the sun just starts to burn off the mist over the water. I miss teaching. I miss seeing that look on a student’s face when something you say, just one thing, clicks and opens the mind. I miss pretty girls in summer dresses and lying in bed at three o’clock in the morning listening to rain on the roof.”

Then he turned his head and smiled. His eyes were as bright and brilliantly blue as the sweatshirt had once been. “You should appreciate those things while you have them, but you never do. Not all the way. Too busy living. Now and again, you should try to stop to appreciate the little things. They’ll build up if you do.”

“I’ve got a little more on my mind than rain on the roof right now.”

“I know. You’ve got a mess on your hands, but you’re sorting it. You’ve still got to figure out what you want, and what you need, and what’s inside you. You’ve got more in there than you think.”

“I want answers. I need answers.”

“You’ll find them,” Ray said complacently. “When you slow down.”

“Tell me this. Do Ethan and Phillip know you’re . . . here?”

“They will.” Ray smiled again. “When it’s time for it. It should be a nice day for sailing tomorrow. Enjoy the little things,” he said and faded away.