Season of Passion (33 page)

Hi, Kate. The voice was only inches away from her and she leapt from her seat at the table with a look of terror in her eyes. Oh darling, I'm sorry. His arms went instantly around her as she sat there and trembled. She was speechless, and not at all prepared for the usual games. She had thought he wasn't home. But he had been sitting there, watching her, from the corner, and she hadn't even noticed.

You scared the hell out of me. She smiled shakily. It had been a long day. I didn't know you were home. How was your day? The efforts at chitchat were futile, Nick refused to be diverted. He looked strangely serious and walked to the stove without even bothering to answer her question.

Tea?

That would be nice. Anything wrong? She hated the way he looked. He reminded her of the way her father looked when her report card arrived. She could feel her heart pounding as it had during their last confrontation over Carmel. Only this time was worse. She wasn't sure why, but she could sense that it was. Something wrong? He still hadn't answered her.

No, nothing's wrong. The words were carefully measured. I missed you today. He turned to look at her and there was already a cup of tea in his hand. He had even had the water boiling and she hadn't noticed the steam. When she had walked into the kitchen, she had been exhausted. Now she was terrified. And she still wasn't sure why.

I missed you too.

He nodded and picked up a second cup. Let's go upstairs.

Okay. Her smile went unanswered as she took her cup and followed him meekly to the den on the third floor, where he settled slowly into his favorite chair.

It was a big red leather one that was satiny smooth and wonderfully soft with the rich smell of good leather. It had a matching ottoman, but he pushed it aside with one foot. He wasn't planning to relax. And then he did the unexpected and set down his tea and held out both arms to her. She came to them willingly, kneeling next to his chair. I love you, Nick.

I know. I love you too. More than I've ever loved anyone. He looked down at her, smiled tiredly, and then sighed. And we need to have a talk. I have a lot to say. I don't know where to start, but maybe the best place is where we just did I love you. And I've waited a hell of a long time for you to level with me, but you haven't. So it's time we just sat down and let it all out. What bothers me most in all this is that you don't trust me. She felt her blood turn to ice.

That's not true. She sounded hurt, but her heart was pounding with terror. What did he mean? Did he know? How? Who had told him?

It is true. If you trusted me, you'd have told me about Carmel About Tom. An interminable silence filled the room as her eyes flew to his.

What about Tom? She was stalling and they both knew it, as she put down her cup of tea with a trembling hand.

I don't know much, Kate. I had some vague suspicions in the beginning. What you knew about football in your book, the behind-the-scenes stuff, things you said. I did a little research, very little in fact. Just enough to find out that you'd been married to Tom Harper, the Tom Harper, and that he had shot himself and become paralyzed and mentally, well ' I don't know the right words. I know he was moved to a sanatorium in Carmel after a lengthy hospital stay, but I wasn't able to find the name of the home. I knew then that he hadn't died, and I think he's probably still alive now. I think that's what you do in Carmel. Visit him, not teach retarded children. I could understand that, Kate, I could even accept it, I could understand a lot of things. What I don't understand is why you won't share it with me. Why you wouldn't tell me the truth in all these months. That's what hurts. There were tears in her eyes and his when he stopped speaking, and Kate let out a long, rattling sigh.

Why didn't you tell me you knew? I've made an ass of myself all these months, haven't I?

Is that what bothers you now? Making an ass of yourself? He looked suddenly angry and she shook her head and looked away.

No. I' I just don't know what to say.'

Tell me the truth, Kate. Tell me what it's like. What kind of shape he's in, whether you love him, is it any kind of a life for you, where does it leave us ' I don't know what hope there is for our future, or for his. I have a right to know those things I had a right to know them from the first But I didn't tell you I knew because you had to trust me enough to tell me yourself. You never did. I had to confront you.

I think I was trying to protect both of you.

And maybe yourself. He turned away from her and looked out at the Bay.

Yes. Her voice was very quiet in the room. And maybe myself. I love you, Nick. I didn't want to lose you. We have something with each other that I've never had before, with anyone. Tom knew me as a girl. I was a child with him, until ' until the accident. And now he's the child. He's like a little boy, Nick. He plays games, he draws, he's a little less grown up than Tygue. He cries ' he needs me. And he gets about as much from me as he wants. I can't take that away from him. I can't leave him. Her voice caught on the words:

No one is asking you to, Kate. I never would have asked you that. But I just wanted to know. I wanted to hear it from you. Will he go on that way for a very long time?

Until the end, whenever that comes. It could be days, or months, or years. No one can know. And in the meantime ' I visit.

How do you stand it? He turned to look at her again and there was pain and compassion in his eyes.

She smiled a small wintry smite. I owe it to him, Nick. Once he was everything to me. He was all I had, after my parents closed the door on me. He gave me everything. Now all I can give him are a few hours a week. I can spare those hours. I have to. She said it defiantly as she watched him.

I understand that. He went to her and put his arms around her with a sigh. It's something you have to do. I respect that. I wish I could make it easier for you though.

It's not that hard anymore. I got used to it a long, long time ago. If you ever really get used to that sort of thing. At least it doesn't shock me anymore or break my heart the way it once did.

Was Felicia around then, darling? He cuddled her close and she looked up at him with a small smile. It was a relief to tell him, and she hated herself for not doing it sooner.

Yes. She was around through the whole thing. She was marvelous. She was even in the delivery room with me when Tygue was born.

I wish I'd been there then.

She smiled tiredly. She had a peaceful feeling she hadn't had in years. He knew everything now. There were no more secrets. No more dreading he'd find out I was so afraid of what you'd think if you knew.

Why?

Because I'm married. Because I'm not free. That's not really fair to you.

It doesn't make any difference. One day you won't be married anymore. There's time for us, Kate. We have a lifetime ahead of us.

You're an incredible man, Nicholas Waterman.

Bullshit You'd feel the same' . Kate?

Mm?

Your parents never contacted you after he ' after the accident? He had understood that that was the euphemism she used for the shooting.

Never once. They made up their minds when I went to live with Tom, and that was it What he did just confirmed everything they'd thought about him, I guess, and as far as they were concerned I was no better than he was. I'd gotten what I deserved. They were just very black and white in their thinking. There were acceptable people and unacceptable people ' I was no longer acceptable because of Tom, so they felt justified in cutting me out of their lives.

I don't know how they could live with themselves.

Neither do I, but that's not my problem anymore. It hasn't been for a long, long time. It's all very remote. And I'm glad. It's really all over. The only thing that isn't, that never will be, is my obligation to Tom.

Tygue doesn't know, does he? He was sure that he didn't, but there was always a chance that the boy had been hiding it from him too.

No. Felicia says I'll have to tell him one day, but I haven't figured that out yet It's too soon now anyway.

Nick nodded and then looked at her strangely. Can I ask you an odd question?

Of course.

Do you ' do you still love Tom? He made himself say it. He had to know.

Her voice was full of astonishment when she answered him. Do you think I could love you as I do, live with you like this, be yours, if I did? Yes, I love him. As I love a child, as I love Tygue. He's not a man, Nick. He's my past ' and only a ghost ' the ghost of a child.

I'm sorry I asked.

Don't be. You have a right to all the answers now. And I suppose it's hard to understand. There's no man there to love. Oh, before you came along, once in a while, I'd pretend to myself that there was a glimmer of something. But there wasn't. There hasn't been in seven years. I go to see him because that's what I do. Because once he was good to me, because a long time ago I loved him more than anyone I'd ever known or loved before, and because Tygue is his son. Suddenly she was crying again, and the tears were streaming down her face. But I love you, Nick, I love you ' as ' I never loved him. I've waited such a long time for you. He reached for her then and pulled her into his arms so hard that they were both stunned by the force of his grip on her. He needed her just as desperately. He had needed her for years.

Oh darling, I'm so sorry.

She pulled away with a sigh. I've been so afraid, ever since the book's been a success, that someone would find me out. That someone would dig up all that shit and spread it all over my face. He cringed again at the thought of what she must have been going through. It was a wonder she had gone to Los Angeles at all. And when you said you'd played football, I almost died. She laughed as she looked up at him, but his face was still almost gray.

The funny thing is that I knew him. Not well. I was in and out of football too fast, and he was already on top when I came into it. But he seemed like a nice guy.

He was. She looked sad at the words. He was.

What made him do it? What broke him? The papers he'd read hadn't really given him any insight, It was as though the reporters didn't care why.

Pressure. Fear. He was being shoved out and it drove him crazy. He had nothing else in his life, only football. He didn't know what else to do. And he had also invested his money pretty badly and he wanted everything for Tygue, That was all he could think of. His son He wanted one more season so he could sock away a fortune for Tygue, And they canned him. You read the papers. You know the rest.

He nodded somberly. Does he know about Tygue?

He wouldn't understand. I visited him the whole time I was pregnant. He had no more interest or understanding than any kid that age. I think he just thought I was fat

Has there been any change over the years? He was embarrassed to ask.

But she only shook her head. No. Except in the past few weeks. He's not himself. But the doctor says it's nothing unusual.

Is it a decent place?

Yes, very. She reached out to him then and he came to sit next to her on the floor. I love you, Mr. Waterman, even if you did scare the hell out of me. I thought you were going to tell me we were through.

What do you mean, you crazy woman? Did you think I'd really let you go?

I'm a married woman, Nick. She said it with a tone of despair. She knew how badly he wanted to get married. And there was no chance. Not as long as Tom was alive.

So what? Does it bother you that you're married, Kate?

She shook her head very simply. I thought it out very carefully before I drove to Santa Barbara to see you this summer. In my heart, I'm not married to him anymore.

That's all that matters. The rest is nobody's business but ours. Is that the only reason why you didn't tell me, Kate?

No ' I ' well, that's part of it. The other part was just cowardice, I suppose, had kept everyone outside the sacred walls for so long that I couldn't imagine telling anyone the truth. And by the time I could imagine telling you, it seemed impossible to start from the beginning and admit I had lied. How do you say to someone, Oh, remember when I told you I was a widow, well, actually, I was lying. My husband is in a sanatarium in Carmel and I go to see him a couple of times a week.' I don't know, Nick, it sounded nuts, and admitting it, talking about it-it's like reliving it. It's like feeling it all over again.

I'm sorry about that. He held her closer.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's time the whole thing was aired. But you know what else I was afraid of? I was afraid that once you knew, you'd make me stop seeing Tom. I couldn't do that, Nick. He means too much to me. I owe him a debt until he dies.

Is that the only reason why you do it? Because you owe' him? She shook her head.

No. For a lot of reasons. Because I loved him, because of the strength he gave me at times, because of what we shared ' because of Tygue' . I could never stop going, and I didn't think anyone could understand that. Not even you. Does that make any sense?

A great deal of sense, Kate. But I have no right to take that away from you. No one does.

But can you live with- it?

Now that it's out in the open between us, I can. I respect what you're doing, Kate. My God, if something like that ever happened to me ' What an incredible thing to realize that someone cared enough to keep on visiting like that, for years and years and years.

She sighed. It's not as noble as you make it sound. Sometimes it's damn hard. Sometimes it's exhausting, and I hate it.

But you do it anyway, that's the point

Maybe it is. And I have to go on doing it, Nick.

I understand that. It was a sober moment between them, a moment of peace that sealed a pact of understanding. He took a sip of his tea, and then looked down at her again. What are you going to do, though, if someone does find out? If they unearth the past? I assume you've faced that possibility.

Yes and no. The only way I make myself get out there is to pretend it won't happen. If I really thought it might, I'd never leave the house again.

That might be very pleasant. They exchanged the first real smile in an hour. I'm being serious though.