Second Chances (9 page)

Johnny glanced over. “Where's Kirk?”

“Sleeping. We drained a twenty-sixer of Jim Beam last night. Feeling a little rough myself.” He scratched his chest. “Bummer.”

Johnny looked at me. “Maybe you'd rather wait outside. Candy won't be long.”

I had my hand on the doorknob as Candy came back into the kitchen. She was swinging a straw handbag and had put on green granny sunglasses. She'd loosened her hair from the knot at the back of her head, and it hung long and thick on her shoulders.

“All set,” she said.

“Loooking goooood, Mama,” said Bobby. He let out a low whistle.”

“Watch yourself,” said Johnny. His mouth was smiling, but his eyes weren't.

“Why, jealous?” asked Candy. She stepped closer to the table and ran a hand through Bobby's afro. “Bobby here's just being sociable, isn't that right, sugar?”

“Chill, man,” said Bobby. “Just showing my appreciation to the little hostess.”

Johnny lowered Sean onto the floor. Candy barely glanced at them. She ignored Sean reaching up toward her, his arms wide and his mouth working like a fish.

“All set. We'll be back soon,” Candy said as she opened the back door. “Try not to miss me.”

“We'll give it our best shot,” said Johnny as the door closed behind us.

“Hurry back,” called Bobby loud enough so we could hear him through the open window “You know I'll be here waiting.”

Candy and I didn't talk as we climbed down the path toward the lake. I could tell she was still angry about whatever was going on between her and Johnny. When we reached the beach, she immediately pulled her red caftan over her head. Underneath was a white bikini. She pulled up a strap that had fallen in a loop down her arm before she started running toward the lake. The water was satin blue, reflecting the colour of the sky.

“Coming in?” she called over her shoulder.

“Maybe later. I'm working on something.”

I wanted to keep writing while ideas were fresh. I didn't feel much like swimming with her anyhow. If it wasn't for the article, I would have gone home.

She spent twenty minutes furiously swimming around the bay before coming over to flop down next to me in the sand. A shower of lake water splashed on my legs and book cover. I wiped the book quickly on my shorts, upset that splotches would stain the leather cover. Candy lay flat on her back, not caring about the sand that would work into her hair and cake onto her skin.

“Johnny's such an ass sometimes,” she said, but she was smiling again. She propped herself up on her elbows so that she was looking at the water. “Why did you come by this morning anyhow?”

“Well, we did make plans….” My voice trailed away. It didn't seem like a good idea to remind her about what she'd forgotten and the money she owed me. “Anyhow, I'm helping Gideon write a story for a magazine about life in Cedar Lake. I wondered if I could interview you as a newcomer to the lake.”

“An interview? Why, that sounds like fun. You are such a little sugar pie to think of me for your story.”

“You've led an interesting life,” I said. It was nice to see her happy again.

“Oh, I could tell you some stories! Why, I was at the Pentagon anti-war demonstration in '67, putting flowers in the guns of the National Guard. I'm in one of the photos
Life
magazine printed, not the cover, but still, I was part of history. Flower power. That was a trip. Yeah, I could be in your article as long as you don't use my real name.” She sat up and wrapped one arm around her legs, pulling her hair away from her face with her other hand. She shifted slightly and stared at me, her eyes wide and unblinking.

“What was it like being there?” I asked. “In D.C.?”

“Oh man. We were about fifty thousand marching across the Memorial Bridge and the troops were all lined up to greet us on the Pentagon steps, like a human barricade to keep us out. We were singing the whole time, trying to drive away the evil spirits. Some tried to get in one of the entrances and the guards threw them down the steps. I stayed the night and got arrested in the morning for picking flowers in Lafayette Park. It was a rush, I can tell you. We were taking on the establishment, making them take notice.”

“I would have given anything to be there too.”

“Yeah, it was worth the trip, but you would have been what, ten years old?”

“Twelve.

“I was at Woodstock too, with Janis. Three days of peace and love and rock and roll. August '69. We landed in the field in a helicopter but Janis wasn't cool with the set-up. They had her playing at two in the morning. Still, she gave a bitchin' show. What I'd give to go back to those days.” She looked at me. “Johnny doesn't want me talking about this stuff anymore. He says we're starting fresh in Canada and Sean shouldn't be contaminated by what's going on in the States, especially the war.”

“In my article, I could call you Cindy Peters,” I said.

“Cindy Peters. Cool. I like that.”

“Okay then …” I opened my book to a clean page and uncapped my pen. “To start with, why did you choose to spend a summer in Cedar Lake?”

“Johnny chose it. He had good memories of being here as a kid. Said it was a happy retreat from life in the States. He wanted a break from the city and thought Sean could do with a summer in the country, and you know … to get away from the war.”

“So life was hectic and you needed a break?”

“Something like that.”

Candy started rifling through her bag.

“How did the Vietnam War impact your life in the States?”

Candy's hand, still deep in the bag, stopped moving. She turned her face toward me. “What makes you ask that?”

“It's just an angle I'm going with. You know, the peace of Cedar Lake in contrast to what's going on internationally.”

She looked back into her bag and pulled out a cigarette and then a lighter. She lit the cigarette with an unsteady hand before she looked at me and said, “Look, you seem like a nice kid. Can we talk off the record?”

“I guess.”

I closed my book but kept my hand inserted to mark my spot. Gideon would have said there is no off the record, but it wouldn't feel right if I used something she didn't want me to make public. I waited while Candy inhaled and held the smoke in her lungs. It shot from her nose in two long white streams.

“Johnny was there. Vietnam. It's not something he likes to talk about.”

“Did you know him before he went overseas?”

“Johnny was dating my sister. They were supposed to get married.”

“What happened?”

“Frances … my sister, met someone else while he was stationed in Nam. She thought she'd just have this fling until Johnny came back. Hell, she had this fear, pardon me, a damn
premonition
he was going to be killed over there. She told me often enough anyway. Kind of ironic, in hindsight. He was a fighter pilot and flew over some of the worst areas dropping bombs. Anyhow, Johnny being in danger's way gave Frances a reason to fool around, at least in her own mind. I know it's unkind to speak ill of the dead, but Frances wasn't the kind of girl who could be alone for long.”

“So how did you …”

“End up with Johnny?” Candy took a puff of her cigarette and laughed as she exhaled. “Sean is his son, as you may have guessed, but Frances is the mother. Johnny and I aren't married. I know you thought we were married, and I kind of liked letting you think that.” She smiled. “Anyhow, Johnny and Frances hooked up briefly after he came back from Nam, before he found out she was seeing someone else. Johnny took off when he found out. When Frances died, I followed him to Canada with the baby. It looks too much like him not to be his.”

“Then you're not … ?”

“Together? A couple?” Her voice was bitter. “Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. It all depends on Johnny's mood on a particular day. I can assure you, that he isn't the man he was before he went to Nam. Something is missing, you know, like he's been damaged beyond repair.”

I thought of my mom. She'd met him in the restaurant and he'd come looking for her in the store. Worry spread through my veins like water seeping into cracks. “Why don't you leave?”

“I keep hoping he'll come to his senses, take a look around and realize I'm the girl for him now that Frances is gone.” Candy started digging in the sand with the toes of one foot. She looked at me and smiled, her lips pulled sideways. “I know it must seem like I'm out of my mind to you. I loved him even when he was with Frances, which I know you think is probably just plain awful, but you can't control who you fall for. I wish you could, but love doesn't work that way. Frances was weak and not good enough for him. The better woman is alive and waiting.” She laughed but her eyes were sad. “Maybe I'll take off soon. Maybe I'll find love with someone else. Who knows? It's not like I haven't had offers. A few of them were even kind of nice.”

“I guess it would be hard for you to leave Sean behind.”

“In some ways, yeah, but it would be wonderful not to be responsible for anyone again. I'm not really wired that way, if you haven't noticed. If it weren't for Johnny …” Candy stopped talking and took a long drag of her cigarette before flicking it into the sand where it lay a glowing ember. She watched it for a bit and then lifted her eyes toward the lake. “Thing is. Some things he doesn't forgive too easily.”

I opened my notebook again and said, “Maybe, I could ask you my questions now, you know, for the interview.”

Candy swiped with the back of her hand at a tear that had trickled halfway down her cheek. She laughed self-consciously before saying, “Fire away. I think it'll be a kick to be quoted in a magazine like I have something worth sharing with the world. Something for the grandkids to see.”

“I hope the article turns out okay. It's my first attempt at this kind of writing.”

“I have the utmost confidence. Just don't write anything bad about me and don't mention Johnny or Vietnam. He hates newspapers and magazines more than anything. He really is fanatical about our privacy because of Sean.”

“I won't mention either one of them.”

“That's good. This'll just be between you and me, sugar. Our little secret.”

I remembered Gideon's camera in my bag. “Maybe I could take a picture of you looking at the lake. I could just do a shot from the side so nobody sees your whole face.”

Candy laughed. “You're one smart kid, you know that? I guess it would be okay. There have to be lots of blonde girls in this world who look just like me if you don't look too closely.”

M
y
parents were talking with William in the kitchen. I'd entered the store and could see my mother as she moved back and forth from counter to table, setting out the meal she'd prepared especially for my brother's homecoming. Pork roast, scalloped potatoes, broccoli with cheese sauce, and apple pie with Velveeta cheese for dessert. The talking stopped as I walked across the floor to stand in the doorway. William looked up at me and grinned. Elizabeth was sitting in the seat next to him, looking pretty in an aqua sleeveless blouse, her hair tied back with a silky white scarf. Her elbows rested on the table, one hand tucked under her chin while the other twirled a gold locket around and around.

“Come sit here,” said William, patting the empty chair on his other side. “Your ears must be ringing because we were just talking about you.”

“Uh-oh,” I said. “Anything you can repeat?”

William laughed. “All good. I was just catching up on what you've been doing. You're looking well.”

“You too.” I slid in next to him and he reached over and ruffled my hair.

“I think you're a few inches taller that last time I saw you.”

“It happens,” I said.

I looked him over. His hair had reached his shoulders and he'd grown a beard. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up and he wore a leather strip around one wrist. By the way Elizabeth was watching him, I knew she didn't care that they were cousins. I'd gotten used to the way girls looked at my brother, and it didn't make me uncomfortable like it used to.

My dad's eyes settled on mine. “Where've you been all afternoon?”

“Just at the beach and then I stopped by Candy Parsens' …. “

His eyes narrowed. “I don't like you spending time there,” he said. “There's something not right about that family.”

My mother was standing by the counter. She turned and her eyes darted to my father. She was upset.

“How do you know what they're like?” I asked. I knew immediately I'd made a big mistake.

The vein in my dad's temple throbbed purple. He stared me down until I felt my bottom lip quiver. He threw his fork onto his plate and it made a loud clink that made my knee jump and bang against the bottom of the table. “It doesn't take but one sighting to know they're trouble. Long-haired, hippy, weirdo freaks.” He punctuated each word like he was punching holes in a piece of paper. He looked across the table at William to let my brother know what he thought of his appearance too. “I'm sick of these freeloaders moving in and taking over the neighborhood. The woman dresses like a prostitute. The man probably pushes drugs to kids in playgrounds. I'd like to line them up and …”

“That's enough, George,” my mother said quietly. “We get the point.”

My father looked at my mother. “How do we know they aren't up to no good? We can't just turn a blind eye and pretend everybody's welcome in the community. Some bring drugs and immoral behaviour. We have to be on guard.”

Next to me, William tensed, and I felt him move his feet back from where they'd been stretched out under the table. I kept my eyes on my mother's face. She was watching my dad.

“Not everyone is a threat, George.”

“I know that, but you can tell a lot about someone by how they dress. I have a bad feeling about that family.”

“You have a bad feeling about everyone.”

She spoke so softly that if we hadn't been holding our collective breath, I might have missed what she'd said. She turned her back on my father and continued calmly chopping the tomato she'd be adding to the salad bowl on the counter. Her back was ramrod straight, her shoulders squared.

My father looked at her without moving for a few seconds. Then he stood up and raised a hand as if he was dismissing the whole lot of us. His voice wasn't as angry as it had been, though. “I'll just go move those boxes for you then, before suppertime.”

“That would be good,” my mother said without turning.

Dad glared at me before he clumped from the room as if I was responsible for getting him into trouble. The front door banged shut behind him.

William stood too. “Need anything, Mom?” he asked.

She laid the knife carefully on the counter. “I think I'll go check on the laundry if you could finish this salad, Darlene.” She turned and smiled at us without really focusing. I nodded and watched her leave the kitchen.

William sat back down. He slumped hard against the chair.

“What was that all about?” Elizabeth asked. “Is your father always so … paranoid about people? You'd think Charles Manson had moved his commune in next door the way he acts.”

“He has his moments,” I said. I wouldn't give her room to ask anything else. I wouldn't let her see how shaken I was by my father's anger. I swung around to face my brother. “How's school going, William?”

“Good. Good.” He looked at me. “It's harder this year, but I'm enjoying the challenge. Tell me about grade ten. Did you ace it?”

His eyes flashed a warning at me. I knew to pretend like nothing had happened.

“Not so much, but I passed okay.”

“You must be the smart side of the family tree,” said Elizabeth. Her blonde hair trailed on the table as she leaned forward toward my brother. “Will you defend me when you get to be a big time lawyer?”

“You plan to do something illegal.”

“Everything I plan to do is illegal.” She smiled at William.

“Maybe Dad should start looking for trouble a little closer to home,” I said, “instead of worrying about the hippies down the road.”

After dinner, I looked for William all over the house and in the backyard. I needed to talk to him. I went back to the living room. Elizabeth raised her head from where she was lying on the couch watching
Laugh-In
. Ruth Buzzy was hitting an old man over the head with her purse. I looked at Elizabeth and had the urge to grab something and thwack her too. It was the second time I'd gone into the back room looking for my brother. Elizabeth hadn't answered when I asked her the first time if knew where he was. This time, she kept her eyes on the screen when I entered and she let out a loud sigh.

“He's gone out. He said he'd be back in time to go to the beach with us.”

“Why didn't you say that last time I asked? It would have saved me looking all over for him.”

Elizabeth tossed her hair back and stared me down from her prone position. “I knew you'd figure it out. You're a smart girl.”

“And you're a …”

“Darlene,” my mother was right behind me, “could you watch the store for a minute?”

I turned. Her eyes were fixed on me, and I couldn't do anything but nod.

“See you later,” said Elizabeth. “Do you want to watch TV with me, Aunt Jan?”

“No thanks, Elizabeth. I have an errand to run and then I'll be back in the store.”

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“Just out for some fresh air.” Mom laughed. “Not really an errand I guess.”

I started down the road toward Candy's cottage after Mom came back from her walk and took over the cash. Anywhere would be better than staying home and spending time with Elizabeth. I knew I shouldn't react when she baited me, but knowing and stopping myself were two different things.

The night air was warm with a full moon and a blanket of stars punched out like sequins overhead. It felt good walking through the darkness and listening to the crickets in the long grass. I thought about climbing down the path to my rock to watch the water but kept walking along the road. I was getting closer to Candy's cottage and heard voices up ahead. Men's voices. I slowed down and tried to blend into the shadows closer to the side of the road. The voices stopped and someone was walking toward me. He had his head down and it took me a few seconds to recognize him. I stepped forward, crossing the road to block William's path.

“Darlene,” he said. “Where'd you come from?”

“I was looking for you. Who were you just talking to?”

William half turned around, then swung back toward me. “Just met the guy staying in the Davidson cottage for the summer.”

“That's Johnny Lewis. Did you run into him on the road?”

“Yeah, I met up with Mom, but she had to go back to the store. I didn't feel ready to go in yet so headed this way and Johnny was out walking. We just got talking.”

We started back toward our house. “What did he say?” I asked. “You seemed to be having quite a conversation.”

“Talked about the weather mostly. Seems like an okay guy.”

“I don't know. Whenever I see him, I get the feeling he's hiding something.”

William laughed. “You're one spooky kid sometimes, you know that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I forget sometimes how intuitive you are, but we all keep secrets you know. I'll bet you've stored up a few since I saw you last. Johnny's probably no different. So how's Dad been?”

Smooth change of topic, I thought
.
I let it go. “You know. Dad's Dad.”

I nearly tripped on a rock in the road and William reached out a hand to steady me. “He seems more agitated than normal,” he said.

“Dad was laid off again in the spring but it just lasted a few weeks before they called him back. He asked us not to talk about it. You know how he gets when he can't control things. Plus he's getting headaches again.”

“Bad ones like before?”

“Yeah.”

“That's not good.”

“Tell me about it. Mom says he's worried about me getting in with the wrong crowd.”

“You giving him reason?”

“Do you really think he needs one?”

I could hear the smile in William's voice. “Probably not. So how are things with you anyway?”

“I could do without our cousin here. What's going on with her parents anyway?”

“Aunt Peg drinks … a lot. She used to just drink at night, but now she starts as soon as she gets up in the morning.

“No way. How long has she been doing that?”

“A long time. Elizabeth's been left on her own since she started high school. Maybe earlier. Uncle Ed doesn't spend much time at home.”

I stopped walking. “So the question is, does Uncle Ed not go home because Aunt Peg drinks or does Aunt Peg drink because Uncle Ed doesn't come home?”

“I'd tell you if I knew.”

“I still don't like Elizabeth much. Does that make me mean?”

“Not really. She's got that tough act down. Makes it hard to warm up to her.”

“She likes you just fine. In fact, she likes most boys just fine.”

“Give her a chance, Dar. She's not so bad.”

“Spoken like a true male. Oh yeah, and she keeps bringing up Annie. It's like she's trying to throw her death in my face. She has this way of looking at me like I was to blame. Dad looks at me like that too sometimes.”

William stopped. He put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer. He leaned into me and spoke low and fierce into my ear. “You were six, Darlene. It wasn't your fault that Dad was looking after you when Annie drowned. You were just a kid.”

“Tell that to Dad,” I said. “I'm the one he can hardly bear to be around.” I was miserable. Being miserable made me angry. “Sometimes I think he wishes it was me instead of Annie. I'll bet Elizabeth would rather it was me too.”

William pulled me tighter and my ribs hurt under the pressure of his arm. “It's not an either or deal. You know we'd all be heartbroken if anything had happened to you.”

I nodded into his chest.

“We couldn't bear if anything … anything, happened … to … you.”

I nodded again, inhaling the smell of the woods and sweat and sincerity that was my brother. “I know,” I whispered, but in the empty hollow where my heart beat, I didn't believe him.

He let go of me and we started walking again. A few steps farther on he grabbed my hand. He swung our hands back and forth. We didn't speak again until the lights of the store came into view.

“So, are you seeing anybody?” I asked. “Mom said you broke up with Gail.”

“Gail! Man, she was a long time ago. I've been hanging loose, working on my studies, dating a bit.”

“You've always got a girlfriend somewhere. Has someone broken your heart?”

“Just taking a breather from women. How about you? Anybody special?”

I shook my head. “Nobody special.”

“It's less painful that way, believe me.”

His voice was sad. I wished I could see his face more clearly. “So there is someone.”

“There was, but it's over. Just sometimes when I see her.” He took me by the arm. “I don't know how you've dragged this out of me, but I'm done talking about women and my damaged heart. Buy you an ice cream cone?”

“You're on,” I said. “I always could be bought off with ice cream.”

“Whatever works to get your mind off my love life. Race you back. I'll give you to the tree as a head start.”

I started running. “Get ready to eat my dust,” I called over my shoulder.