Second Chances (17 page)

Johnny closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he looked past me out the window. “It was the stuff of nightmares. Stifling hot days in the jungle, so humid your clothes were soaking wet even after a shower. The drone of mosquitoes was constant. It filled my dreams. I never slept well, always waking up after a few hours. I used to look forward to my shifts dropping bombs on the Viet Cong. It's an impersonal way to kill people, and I did it well. We were all scared, but some handled it better than others. Then there was the monotony. When you weren't flying, there was nothing to do and nowhere to go. Drugs were easy to get. A lot of the guys started using just to get through. I missed home and the thought of Candy waiting for me kept me going. Toward the end, all I wanted to do was get back to her, to something untouched by what we were doing in Nam.” He shrugged. “I was nuts to think she'd be the same as I left her. Five years I was more or less gone. I still wake up in a sweat, thinking I'm back there in the jungle. Hearing sounds in my head that won't go away.”

I suddenly wanted to get away from Johnny and what I saw in his eyes. “I hope it goes well for you and Sean,” I said. “I hope you find somewhere good to live.”

He rubbed a hand across his eyes and nodded. His cheeks were wet. “Yeah, you take care.”

Johnny was already halfway up the stairs to get Sean when I shut the back door. I stepped outside into the heat of another August day. I could still hear Sean's cries through the open window, then the low murmuring of Johnny's voice followed by silence. I stepped onto the pathway and walked past the bench where Candy and I had sat talking in the sun not very long ago, trying to picture her there, but already finding her features were fading in my memory. I glanced back one more time as I straddled my bike seat and prepared to push off from the grass with one foot.

M
y
father's rusty blue Ford was next to William's Volkswagen in our driveway. I walked my bike slowly past them up the drive. Dad and William were probably sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper while Mom made them something to eat. She'd have poured them each a strong cup of coffee in her good china mugs and sat for a minute before getting up to keep busy at the counter. She'd be pretending that it was just another Saturday morning and she wasn't distracted by Johnny's leaving. She wouldn't let on that she was part of the network helping him move. William would be acting right along with her.

I looked across the road toward the lake. I thought about going to go sit on my rock and being alone. Nobody would miss me for a little bit. After they ate lunch, Mom would probably start looking at the clock and asking if anyone had seen me. She'd go to the front door and look up the road. She wouldn't rest until I came home. I looked back toward the store and sighed. I didn't want my mom to have to worry about me. I'd go sit on my rock after I had something to eat.

“There you are,” said my father. He looked up from his plate of fried eggs and bacon. Pockets of flesh sagged under his eyes, but he didn't look as tired as he had every other time I'd seen him at Cedar Lake. This morning he nodded at me. “You're looking tanned.”

I stopped myself from turning my head to look behind me to see if he was talking to somebody else. Had he actually noticed me and not told me I was doing something wrong? “Hi, Dad. Hard week?”

“I've had better.”

William and Mom locked eyes before Mom looked at me and shook her head to warn me not to talk about anything going on behind the scenes. I kept my eyes on her.

“Where's Elizabeth?”

“Babysitting. Apparently she's quite a hit with the kids,” said my mother.

“That girl will go far in life,” said my father. “She's got spunk.” He bit into a piece of toast.

My mouth fell open. William grinned at me before standing up from the table. “Well, I hate to leave so soon, but I have to head back to Toronto,” he said.

“You're always in a hurry,” Dad said. “Where's the fire this time?”

“Some unexpected volunteer work.”

“I'll walk out with you,” I said.

When we stopped halfway down the steps, William said, “Thanks for keeping all this Johnny business a secret from Dad. I'm off to get Johnny now. We've got a new location where he and Sean can stay for a while.”

“I think you're doing a good thing, you and Mom,” I said.

“I'm glad you're onside.” William smiled before he looked down at my hand. His voice came out strange. “Where did you get that ring?”

I looked down too and held my hand out in front of me. “Johnny gave it to me. He said Candy would want me to have it.”

William grabbed my hand and touched the ring with one of his fingers.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. It's nothing.” He pulled back his hand, and we kept walking toward his car. He opened the driver's door and put one foot inside before turning back to look at me. “Oh, by the way, you might also want to watch how much personal information you tell Elizabeth. She seems to know a lot about you, actually. More than I thought you'd ever share.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just that she told us at the campfire about your crush.”

My face felt hot. “Who did Elizabeth tell?”

“Everyone standing around … including Tyler.”

I nodded but couldn't say anything. This was worse than when my tights had fallen down in grade three while I was demonstrating my new etch-a-sketch for show and tell.

William said, “I don't think she got the reaction she wanted.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tyler. He didn't say anything. He just stood there looking at her. Then he put his head down and his hands in his pockets and walked away. He never looked back at anybody or said goodbye. I just thought you should know.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time.” William reached over and squeezed my arm.

After he'd driven away, I raced back inside and up the stairs to my bedroom. I reached under the bed for my diary and saw that it was still locked. I crossed to my jewellery box and found the key on top of the piece of leather I wore around my neck. I always tucked the key underneath and out of sight. There was no doubt in my mind that Elizabeth had been in my things.

I dropped to my knees on the floor and worked the lock open. The pages fell open. I flipped to the last two pages and skimmed through the entries that recorded my pain at seeing Tyler with Jane Ratherford and my fear that he was interested in my cousin. That must have given Elizabeth a laugh. She'd read my most personal thoughts and then used them to humiliate me. Hot, angry tears leaked from my eyes. If the floor had opened up at that moment, I'd have gladly dropped through it into another dimension that didn't include my cousin or Tyler Livingstone.

Michelle and I spent the afternoon at the beach. We didn't say much, just swam and tanned. Neither of us wanted to talk about Danny and Tyler and how Elizabeth had played us all summer. Michelle flipped from her back onto her stomach next to me on her towel. She propped herself up on her elbows.

“I guess Danny and Tyler are half-way to Sault Ste. Marie.” She turned her head sideways and looked at me, waiting.

“I know about Elizabeth telling everyone that I like Tyler,” I said as if it was the most boring piece of news in the universe.

Michelle sat up quickly. “I didn't want to say anything. I couldn't believe it when she told him and everyone at the beach.”

“Well, that's my cousin. Treats everyone equally badly.”

“I don't know how you can stand her.”

“It's just for a few more weeks and then I hope to never spend time with her again. What about you and Danny?”

“I don't know. He thinks we're fine, but I'm not sure about him anymore, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I'm going to the Maritimes with my parents for a holiday,” said Michelle suddenly. “I'm not coming back here again this summer.”

“It'll be good to have a break before school.”

“My mother has a sister in Halifax, and I'm thinking about applying there for university next year.”

“Will Danny be going with you?”

“I haven't told him where I'm applying. I probably won't.” Michelle looked out across the lake and sighed. “Maybe your cousin Elizabeth did me a favour. I mean, if that's all it took for Danny to fool around on me, it wasn't going to last, you know?”

“I guess.”

“I know. You're lucky that you never got in deep with Tyler. He's a lot like Danny.”

I nodded, but I didn't believe it, because sometime between William telling me what Elizabeth had done and sitting in the sand with Michelle, I'd remembered Tyler's kiss on my mouth. His kiss had felt like a promise. It had felt right. I'd remembered how he'd looked at me afterwards, standing above me on the edge of the rock, his eyes surprised but all lit up inside. He hadn't been making fun of me as Elizabeth had hoped. Sitting in the sand next to Michelle, I'd stopped feeling bad about Elizabeth's treachery because it didn't matter. If anything, her letting Tyler know that I liked him had probably helped. She'd told him and he'd come to wait for me on my rock. He'd kissed me, knowing how I felt about him. I might not have all Elizabeth's dating rules down pat, but I knew enough to recognize a good sign when I saw it.

Elizabeth spent the evening at another babysitting job. I pretended to be asleep when she came up to bed after eleven. I was done with her. I didn't care anymore that she was part of my family with a screwed-up life. She'd violated my privacy and I couldn't forgive her. She clumped around the room, dropping her shoes onto the floor and made enough noise to wake me if I'd been truly asleep, but I kept my breathing deep and regular and did fall asleep after she left to go to the bathroom.

I managed to get up before her and spent the day helping in the store, winning my father's approval and keeping away from Elizabeth. Only a few more weeks and she'd be gone and I wouldn't have to look at her anymore.

At four o'clock, I remembered my promise to Gideon. I'd forgotten all about taking Ruby for a walk and she'd be clawing at the door to get outside. Dad was behind the counter ringing in money from some kids who were buying chocolate bars. I waited impatiently for them to finish.

“Is it okay if I leave for an hour? I have to go let Gideon's dog out.”

Dad looked around. His eyes were puzzled. “Have you seen your mother lately? She's been gone for some time.”

“I think she went upstairs to lie down.”

Dad frowned. “That's not like your mother. She never naps in the afternoon.”

I started toward the door. “I won't be long, Dad. I'll watch the store when I get back.”

“Okay,” Dad said. He was walking toward the kitchen but stopped and looked at me. “Better take your jacket. Radio says a storm's moving in. If you get caught at Gideon's in a downpour, give me a call and I'll come get you.”

“Is your headache gone?” I asked.

“For the time being.” He rubbed a hand across his forehead. His voice was gruff. “I took you mother's advice and saw the doctor in Ottawa. He's given me some new medication.” It was as close to an apology as Dad would ever give — an admission he'd been unwell.

“I'm glad,” I said.

Dad nodded. “Don't forget to call if you need a lift home. I don't like the look of those clouds.”

“I'll be okay, but thanks, Dad.” I stopped at the door with my hand on the knob. When I looked back, he'd gone into the kitchen. He was sitting down at the table to read the paper. He glanced up and nodded at me. I felt something loosen in my chest as I pulled open the door to step outside. The knot didn't feel as tight.

I should have run back for my windbreaker but didn't want to waste any more time. I raced outside and had to hold onto the door to keep it from banging shut behind me. I pedalled my bike as fast as I could against the gusty wind. Low, dark clouds had gathered and the air had cooled down as it does before a rainstorm. By the time I passed the Davidsons I wished I'd listened to my dad and put something on over my T-shirt. Cold drops of rain had begun to fall and I pedalled harder. If it hadn't been for Ruby, I would have turned around and beat it for home.

By the time I reached his yard, the rain was coming down in a slanting sheet, running into my eyes like a faucet from my dripping hair. It soaked through my clothes until they felt like a second wet skin. Gideon's car was in the driveway. He'd know I hadn't kept my promise to take Ruby outside. I felt bad but good at the same time knowing that Ruby wouldn't be frantic. Nanny's bleats rose above the howling wind that was pushing against my bike and taking my breath away. I walked my bike the last distance up the path and laid it on the wet grass before making a dash for the back door. Gideon didn't answer when I knocked, so I turned the door knob. The door swung open as if the house had been waiting for me.

“Gideon!” I called, but nobody answered. I moved deeper into the entranceway. The house was dark with the rain and wind lashing against the windows. I slipped out of my wet sandals and left them on the mat, then crossed the kitchen in my bare feet on my way to Gideon's office. The coolness of the floor seeped through my skin. The living room was in semi-gloom, but I could still make out Ruby lying on the floor near Gideon's desk. The only sound besides the wind was the clock ticking on the mantelpiece.

“Ruby girl, here I am,” I said, bending and clapping my hands for her to come to me. She stood and stretched but flopped back down, letting her head droop onto her front paws. She whined deep in her throat.

“I know. I should have come sooner.” I moved around the couch to turn on the lamp on the end table. I turned as I said, “Is Gideon having a nap?” I stopped talking when I looked back toward Ruby, because Gideon wasn't in his bedroom resting at all. He was sitting in his desk chair, facing away from me, his chin tucked against his chest. At first, I thought he was sleeping. I tiptoed closer. He'd been looking tired lately. Maybe I should let him sleep. Still, it was almost suppertime.

“Gideon!” I said more softly. “I'm sorry I'm so late.”

Ruby whimpered and pushed her head against Gideon's leg as if she was nudging him to pay attention. I looked closer. He was wearing a maroon housecoat I'd never seen before, frayed around the cuffs and collar, with blue striped pyjamas visible beneath the desk. I felt like an intruder, like I'd caught him with his guard down. He would hate me seeing him like this. I took a step backwards while my mind took in all the details without really registering them — the full cup of tea on the desk, the clock ticking, Gideon's hands folded in his lap, feet in his favourite leather slippers, the unnatural paleness of his skin. I changed direction and moved beside him as if outside my own body.

“Gideon,” I called more urgently. I'd begun shivering and couldn't stop. “Wake up, Gideon. I'll make a fresh pot of tea.” I reached out my hand. “It's time to wake up.” I dropped my hand until it rested on his. It was cold and still and I pulled my hand away. “No,” I whispered. I couldn't make myself move. “Gideon, you have to wake up. I'll make some tea.”

My parents arrived before the ambulance, which had to come all the way from Campbellford. My mother's voice echoed through the kitchen and down the hallway, calling my name over and over.

“In here,” I called.

My mother found me first. Her face was pale and her eyes wet. She crossed the floor and put an arm around my shoulders. Dad was right behind her. He stood back a step, holding onto his baseball cap, turning it around and around in his rough hands. He looked at Gideon and then around the room. Mom squeezed my arm.