Second Thoughts (17 page)

“So at least twice then, huh?”

“AMY!” I rubbed my eyes again and sat up, slipping on my robe to go sit on the horrid divan. I couldn't have any of this conversation laying in the same bed she wanted to hear details about.

She laughed again but her next words were all genuine concern. “Seriously though, Lane. Did you do it? How are you?”

God,
I thought again.
She's
worried
about me.
Before coming to Northbrook, I'd thought I was going crazy. It had turned out I wasn't, not in the way I thought, but I realized that didn't mean I
wasn't
crazy. But I loved Amy for her concern, and she wouldn't have been Amy without her curiosity. So I owed her some answers, if only I knew what they were.

How was I? I stretched, took a mental tabulation of my body, my brain. Blushed again as I remembered every moment of Carter slipping off the last of his clothes, and everything after that…

A
thump, thump, thump
sound interrupted my mental replay, like Amy had knocked the phone on her bed. For a moment, I'd actually forgotten I was talking to her.

“Lane, hello? Now you're worrying me.”

“Sorry! I was…remembering.”

“Now that's what I'm talking about! So remember
out loud.”
I couldn't do that. I'd never, and she knew it, but I did answer her question. “I feel…different.”

“Like a woman now?” she tittered.

“Shut up.”

“Really though, I know what you mean.”

I wasn't sure that was true. Something was different that I couldn't put my finger on.

Amy's voice interrupted my thoughts again. “Okay, Lane, I get it. You're still in ooh-la-la land, not really on the phone with me right now.”

It was only half right, but I couldn't help but laugh. “I'm sorry.”

“Just tell me this—did you like it, or at least not, you know, hate it? You're kind of a freak about things you've never done before, so I figure you're a little extra freaked about this one.”

After a brief hesitation, during which I really thought about the answer and also told myself to just
relax already,
I decided to tell her the truth. I cleared my throat. “Well, it wasn't magic and rainbows,” I said, as she'd once joked, “but…I wish he was here right now, so yeah. I liked it.”

“That's my girl! So, how many in—?”

“AMY!”

After we hung up, I went back to thinking. Really, what I liked most about it was that I was doing it with
Carter.
And it was true I wished he was with me right now, but really more for comfort than for sex. I was fidgeting. I couldn't figure myself out. Yes, my body felt different in a not entirely unpleasant way, like when you exercise muscles you haven't used in a long time. Or ever, as the case was. But that wasn't what was bothering me. I liked that feeling. No, something was wrong.

I shook my head to try to clear it. My aunt's flight would be landing soon and she'd be here before I knew it. I had to get myself together before then. What was it? Why did I feel so…off?

Maybe the problem
was
simply that I wanted to see Carter. I was feeling strange and lonely and I needed to kiss him. To see the delighted expression he never hid whenever I walked into the bookstore, and remind myself that everything was fine. Better than fine. He wasn't just my boyfriend anymore. Now, he was my…lover. I'd never imagined using that word in relation to
myself,
but that's what he was. He'd make me feel better.

I decided to send him a message, or call, just to hear his voice. By this time, he'd already have run and showered and be downstairs in the bookstore, reading a newspaper or four. I reached for where I'd tossed my phone onto the divan next to me, sliding my fingers across the beautiful—creepy—silk when I stopped. That was it. I couldn't feel the couch. Not the silk, that was still there, but its history.

I couldn't feel the couch's
imprint,
the tiny bit of nausea it never failed to cause me, as its memories tried to force their way into my brain.

The whole reason I'd sat on it was to help wake me up while I tried to talk coherently to Amy. But it hadn't worked. I ran my fingers across it faster, but nothing came. Nothing but a tiny tingling, a spark of not warning but intuition, telling me there was something to know about this couch.

A spark.

I closed my eyes and opened my mind, letting loose the Diviner sense I usually kept tightly controlled. The vision that played out was clearer, and more precise, and more informative than any I'd ever had. I opened my eyes not a moment later and understood.

My Sententia gift had been sparked.

I
laughed. It wasn't exactly funny, but the longer I spent in the Sententia world, the more morbid my sense of humor became. Sparked! Me! Carter had told me about it, the way sex could fast-forward the development of Sententia gifts, but it wasn't a possibility I'd entertained a single thought of. I'd been far busier thinking about
other
things, or not
thinking
at all.

But now! If I hadn't been laughing, I probably would have screamed. All the migraines, and all that time I'd spent working and fretting and passing out, trying to develop control over my Grim senses. And all that time I'd spent worrying and fretting and waiting to have sex too—what a waste! If I'd just gone ahead and done it months ago, I'd have solved all my problems and had a whole summer of lots of easy private time with Carter.

What. An. Idiot.

I mean, how often did that happen? Once every
never?
I was the girl who actually
waits
to have sex and it turns out to be the
wrong
choice. Just my luck. I wished I could call Amy and tell her
this. She'd
understand and laugh along with me.

But I couldn't, so I decided I would call Carter, like I'd originally planned.

“H
EY YOU
,” C
ARTER
said, sounding so sweet and serious and happy that I called, all at the same time, that I temporarily lost the ability to respond. My mouth opened, but no words came out, like the right thing to say got lost and was trying to fight its way past my vocal cords.

All I managed to produce was a breathy, “Uh.”

“
What's wrong?”
Just like that, the delight of a few seconds ago was gone.

“Nothing!” I lied. “I just…miss you. My aunt will be here soon, and I have to get ready. But I, uh, really want to see you.”

He exhaled. “Okay, well, maybe I can help with the first problem. Your timing is perfect. Come downstairs.”

I guessed that meant he was on my porch. Just like last year. “Um, can you give me a few? I'm not dressed.” And not sure how to tell him what I needed to tell him, but sure I didn't want it to happen on the porch.

“I don't care. Seriously. Just go downstairs and you'll understand why.” I sensed he was smiling on the other end of the line. I hated disappointing him.

“Okay, I'm going.” I tied my robe tightly and tramped down to the front door.

Behind it was not Carter but a woman I didn't recognize, her back turned to the door. When I opened it, she turned around and smiled. “Oh, there you are. Lainey Young?” she asked. When I nodded, she handed me the exquisite bouquet of roses she was holding.

They were lush and full, a perfect mix of red, fuchsia, and deep orange blooms, and smelled like love and happiness. They also must
have cost a fortune in November and probably came all the way from Vermont.

“They're beautiful,” I told Carter, after I thanked the florist and closed the door.

“So are you,” he said. Dropping his voice, he added, “So beautiful, it hurt me to leave you this morning.”

At that I sighed, and almost thought I might cry. No matter what happened, I wondered sometimes how I got so lucky to have someone love me so much. As I stepped back into my room, and before I could think any more about it, I said, “Carter, I have something to tell you.”

If he was concerned earlier, he was absolutely frantic now. “What? Are you okay? Did I…? Is it, it's not the vision, is it?”

“No! I'm okay, I guess. It's just,
I…think I was sparked.”
The last words came out all in a rush. I wasn't sure why it seemed such an embarrassing thing to say.

Silence. “Carter? Did you hear me?” I slumped back down on the divan. Now that I felt more in control of my connection to it, it no longer bothered me as much.

He finally said, “Which, uh, gift?”

Now that was an interesting question. I hadn't even thought how the
other
gift, the one I didn't like to think about, could have been sparked too, or what that might mean. I wondered, though. “Are they really even separate?”

“I don't know.”

I looked at the roses, in all their blooming loveliness, where I'd placed them on my dresser. And decided to kill one.

The petals were like satin memories between my fingers, and I hated to do this to them, but I couldn't think of another way to test my theory. I was ready to Think the flower to its possible demise but decided the stem would be a better place to touch. Careful to avoid the thorns, I pulled one from the vase, closed my eyes, and Thought.

Nothing happened. The rose was still as beautiful as when I first touched it. I'd felt none of the electricity of Thought in my blood either.

“Lane?” I heard Carter say.

“Sorry, I was…testing something. I don't know about the other one, but Divining, yeah. Definitely.”

“Shit,” he muttered. “I can't leave. You'll have to come here.”

“What?”

“I'm the only one at the store. I can't leave. I need you to come here. I'm sorry.”

“Why? You mean now?”

“As soon as you can anyway.”

“But my aunt—”

I could almost hear his fingers running through his hair. “The
vision,
Lainey. Maybe you can
see
more now. God, why do I feel like
I'm
more concerned about this than you are?”

“I…” honestly hadn't thought about the vision, not yet today. Usually it was my first thought every morning, but Amy had woken me up and then I'd been thinking about Carter for
entirely
different reasons. I felt a little foolish. “You're
not,
I swear.” But then again… “But, well, nothing can happen right
now,
can it? I'm here and you're there.”

“Shit,” he repeated. Then, muffled, like the phone was in his lap, “No, no, I'm sorry. You'll need to go upstairs. I'll be right there…Lainey?”

“Customer?”

He sighed. “Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm…just get here when you can, okay? As soon as you can.”

“Soon,” I promised. Because now that he'd brought up the obvious, I couldn't get there soon enough.

T
HE SECOND
I ducked under the century-and-a-half-old counter of Penrose Books, Carter grabbed my hand and tugged me through the door behind the register. “C'mon.”

“But, the customers—”

Once out of view in the service area, he turned around and pulled me into a crushing hug. “I don't care if they steal the whole fucking
store
right now. You're okay, right? I…the spark, I know it's disorienting, and everything el—”

“I'm great,” I told him. Truth. “About everything.”

“Okay.” He nodded his head—I could feel it, against my shoulder—and absently patted my back with his hand. He was
nervous,
I realized.

“Carter.” I pulled back to look at him. “Everything's okay. Seriously.”

He held my eyes and nodded again. “Okay,” he repeated. “Let's do this.” He led me to the dated floral couch that rested against the wall between the store and the stairwell. I'd always wondered why it was there, since no one ever used it, but it made itself useful this morning.

We sat down together, tiny puffs of dust floating up around us. It was dim in the small space and quiet. I reached for his hands and held them. Before I closed my eyes, I told him, “Don't be scared.”

He nodded his head once but that was it. He
was
scared, and how could I blame him? We were talking about my life and his part in taking it.

I didn't
need
to close my eyes, but it helped me concentrate. It also meant that, whatever I saw, Carter wouldn't be able to gauge my reaction until I was ready. I took a deep breath and opened my Diviner senses. What I saw surprised even me. I thought I'd been ready for anything, any possibility, even the worst—that it
wasn't
an accident.

But it wasn't that. It was
nothing.

There was nothing. No vision, no details, no nothing. No image of my face and the certainty that Carter would kill me. My future demise was a great, blank emptiness.

I couldn't believe it, so I kept trying. I'd been seeing it or feeling the echoes for
months,
and now
nothing.
It was gone. Carter held still, but the longer we sat, the more I could tell his nervousness grew. I held on for a long time. His hands were warm, even a little damp, but he felt solid and whole and strong, just the way I always thought of him.

But also,
alive.
When divining produced nothing, I tried everything, including my
other
gift. Not
using
it, but sort of
seeking.
It was strange at first. I wasn't sure anything would happen, but the longer we sat there the more clearly I felt it. Life. All the life I hadn't felt with the rose, here it was. Carter thrummed with
life.

I wondered if anyone had ever done this before, felt the life resonating within another person. If any of my ancestors had felt it within their victims. I hadn't with Jill, but I hadn't tried. I hadn't been sparked then either, so maybe I couldn't.