Secret for a Nightingale (16 page)

I said: “What is this about engaging a nursery maid Louie someone?”

“Oh, she’s Nanny Benson’s niece or grand niece or something.”

“She is unnecessary.”

He looked at me ironically.

“I thought it would relieve you a little.”

“Relieve me! I don’t want to be relieved.”

“No. You enjoy playing nursemaid, I know. But as mistress of a house like this, you should realize your position. There are other duties.”

“My child is more important to me than anything else.”

He looked bitter.

“You make that abundantly clear.”

“He is your child as well.”

“One would hardly think so. You monopolize him. You hate anyone else to go near him.”

Was that true? I wondered. Julian was of paramount importance to me and I saw everything as it related to him.

“You are free to be with him when you want to,” I said.

“I imagine you do not like young children very much.”

“Well, I have engaged this girl.”

“But I won’t have her.”

“And if I will … what then?”

“You can’t …”

“My dear, I can do what I like in my own house. You have to change.

What do you think my friends feel when they come here? You are not interested in them and you show it. “

“That girl must go,” I said.

“No,” he replied firmly.

“She stays.”

“What use do you think she will be in the nursery?”

“She will relieve you of the child.”

“I don’t want to be relieved. Nothing is going to take my child from me.”

“Please dispense with the histrionics. What’s the matter with you, Susanna? You married me, you know.”

“I am aware of that. But I thought I had a right to choose my own nursery maid.”

“You have no rights which do not come through me. Perhaps it would be as well for you to remember that. This is my house. I am the master here. Your authority comes through me and I say the girl stays.”

We regarded each other with cold dislike.

I knew that I was witnessing the disintegration of my marriage.

Very soon the last shreds of hope that we could ever be happy together were dispersed.

There was a truculence about the girl Louie Lee which gave me a clue as to what was going on. She had that air of insolence which can come from people who think they have a rather special place in the household. And how could Louie Lee be in such a position? Surely because she had found favour with the master of the house.

Her nursery duties were negligible; and I did not quarrel with that.

If I must tolerate her in the household, I did not want her near my child. In fact Julian was hardly ever in the nursery and rarely if I were not there. I certainly would not have him left alone either with Nanny Benson or her distant relative.

I supposed Nanny Benson had been adequate enough when she had been Stephen’s and Aubrey’s nanny, but the years’ growing addiction to whisky faintly camouflaged by very little tea, I imagined had scarcely improved her efficiency. As for Louie Lee, she had no talent for the post whatsoever.

I saw her once from my window. She was in the garden. Aubrey came into view and they were both laughing. Suddenly she gave him a little push and started to run off in the direction of the little wood; he followed her. It did not need much imagination to draw conclusions from that encounter.

The man whom I had seen once and so distressingly that night was never really far from the surface, I was sure. I wondered what he remembered of that night. I did not believe that he had been entirely unaware of it. He had tested me and found me unresponsive to bestiality, not love. Our relationship had changed from that night. I had shown him that I should never be the partner who would join in his depravities.

At this time I toyed with the idea of leaving the Minster. I could live with my father. In fact I did pay him another and more lengthy visit. Then I went to stay with Amelia for a while. My suspicions regarding her and Jack St. Clare seemed to have some foundation. They were neither of them in their first youth; both had been married before; but if ever I saw a steady, though leisurely courtship, I believed I saw it there.

I was happy for Amelia. She was still young enough to bear children, and there was a glow about her which I had not noticed before.

When I returned to the Minster, the peace I had enjoyed in London and in Somerset seemed very desirable. I thought I must go to my father.

He would welcome Julian and me. He loved his grandson and either Jane or Polly would be better nursery maids than Nanny Benson or Louie Lee.

I could leave Aubrey to his nursery girl.

But one did not walk out of marriage lightly. There was too

much to consider. I wanted nothing from Aubrey, but there was Julian.

He was heir to this fine estate; for it followed that in due course the Minster must be his. I owed it to him that he should be brought up there. I could not lightly take him away from his home and his inheritance.

After my visits I would feel more than ever withdrawn from Aubrey.

There was no love between us now. I would lock myself in my bedroom with my baby; but there was no need to; he made no attempt to come to me.

I had suspected for some time that he had several mistresses and was rather glad of it. I did not want him with me.

Then one day I made a discovery.

I had long been aware of strange happenings in the house. Aubrey had taken to giving house parties which lasted from Friday afternoon until Sunday or Monday. I would receive the guests and arrange the meals. We used to dine at eight and by ten they would all have retired to their rooms, which seemed rather strange for they were by no means old people.

I was glad they did. I had no desire to sit up with them. I would retire to my room where Julian would be sleeping in his little bed;

and on these occasions during the short time I was with Aubrey’s guests, I always asked Mrs. Pollack to look in at the child at intervals, so that we could be assured that he was all right a duty which she was very happy to perform.

They were almost always the same set of people who came, although occasionally there were newcomers. I had grown accustomed to them and they did not bother me very much. They would make polite conversation about the house or the weather and ask perfunctory questions about Julian; but they gave me the impression that their thoughts were far away from the subjects of which they spoke.

One night when I could not sleep, I thought I heard people prowling about below and I went to my window and looked out. There were several people emerging from the little wood and coming towards the house. I drew back hastily. They were our guests.

I looked at the time. It was four o’clock.

I was very puzzled. Then I saw Aubrey among them. I could not imagine what they had been doing. I went to my door and listened.

I heard footsteps on the stairs then silence. They were all sleeping in a different wing of the house and they had all gone to their rooms.

There was no moon that night and as it was cloudy it had been difficult to see them clearly.

I went to Julian’s cot and looked at him; he was sleeping soundly. So I got into my own bed and lay there for a long time thinking about what I had seen.

It must have been five o’clock before I slept and then fitfully. I awoke just after six and the first thing I thought of was what I had seen the previous night.

Then Julian was clamouring to come into my bed, which he did every morning. I sang to him, as I did at the beginning of every day old songs and ballads and hymns which he loved with a repeat performance of his favourite Cherry Ripe. But that morning my heart was not in the singing.

Then I remembered that they had emerged from the little wood and there had been a day when I had gone through that wood and had come upon a mysterious door. I don’t know what made me think of that except that I had to find an explanation of where they had all been.

They slept late those weekends and often did not rise till luncheon-time. I had heard from the kitchen that they did not want to have breakfast.

The morning seemed a good time to test the notion that the mysterious door might have something to do with Aubrey’s guests’ nocturnal wanderings.

I told Mrs. Pollack that I was going for a little walk. Julian was having a short nap which he took in the mornings. I asked her if she would look in and make sure he was all right while I was out.

Then I left the house. I went through the wood and came to the slight incline. I scrambled down, dislodging the creeper as I went.

There was the door.

much to consider. I wanted nothing from Aubrey, but there was Julian.

He was heir to this fine estate; for it followed that in due course the Minster must be his. I owed it to him that he should be brought up there. I could not lightly take him away from his home and his inheritance.

After my visits I would feel more than ever withdrawn from Aubrey.

There was no love between us now. I would lock myself in my bedroom with my baby; but there was no need |; to; he made no attempt to come to me.

I had suspected for some time that he had several mistresses and was rather glad of it. I did not want him with me.

Then one day I made a discovery.

I had long been aware of strange happenings in the house. Aubrey had taken to giving house parties which lasted from Friday afternoon until Sunday or Monday. I would receive the guests and arrange the meals. We used to dine at eight and by ten they would all have retired to their rooms, which seemed rather strange for they were by no means old people.

I was glad they did. I had no desire to sit up with them. I would retire to my room where Julian would be sleeping in his little bed;

and on these occasions during the short time I was with Aubrey’s guests, I always asked Mrs. Pollack to look in at the child at intervals, so that we could be assured that he was all right a duty which she was very happy to perform.

They were almost always the same set of people who came, although occasionally there were newcomers. I had grown accustomed to them and they did not bother me very much. They would make polite conversation about the house or the weather and ask perfunctory questions about Julian; but they gave me the impression that their thoughts were far away from the subjects of which they spoke.

One night when I could not sleep, I thought I heard people prowling about below and I went to my window and looked out. There were several people emerging from the little wood and coming towards the house. I drew back hastily. They were our guests.

I looked at the time. It was four o’clock.

I was very puzzled. Then I saw Aubrey among them. I could not imagine what they had been doing. I went to my door and listened.

I heard footsteps on the stairs then silence. They were all sleeping in a different wing of the house and they had all gone to their rooms.

There was no moon that night and as it was cloudy it had been difficult to see them clearly.

I went to Julian’s cot and looked at him; he was sleeping soundly. So I got into my own bed and lay there for a long time thinking about what I had seen.

It must have been five o’clock before I slept and then fitfully. I awoke just after six and the first thing I thought of was what I had seen the previous night.

Then Julian was clamouring to come into my bed, which he did every morning. I sang to him, as I did at the beginning of every day old songs and ballads and hymns which he loved with a repeat performance of his favourite Cherry Ripe. But that morning my heart was not in the singing.

Then I remembered that they had emerged from the little wood and there had been a day when I had gone through that wood and had come upon a mysterious door. I don’t know what made me think of that except that I had to find an explanation of where they had all been.

They slept late those weekends and often did not rise till luncheon-time. I had heard from the kitchen that they did not want to have breakfast.

The morning seemed a good time to test the notion that the mysterious door might have something to do with Aubrey’s guests’ nocturnal wanderings.

I told Mrs. Pollack that I was going for a little walk. Julian was having a short nap which he took in the mornings. I asked her if she would look in and make sure he was all right while I was out.

Then I left the house. I went through the wood and came to the slight incline. I scrambled down, dislodging the creeper as I went.

There was the door.

Something like a warning came to me. I just had the feeling that I was in an evil place. I pushed the door and my heart leaped, because it was open. I stepped inside.

The thought immediately occurred to me that the door could swing back, shutting me in, and that I should be unable to escape. I came out at once into the open air. I looked for a large stone; I found one and propped it against the door so that it could not shut. Then, my heart beating violently, I stepped into what appeared to be a cave.

The floor was stone-flagged and as I advanced I was aware of an odour which I did not recognize. It pervaded the air and sickened me a little.

I saw that there were candles everywhere some of them had burned out. I knew that they had been recently lighted and that confirmed my suspicions that it was to this place that those people had come.

The cave opened into a square room. There was a table which looked like an altar and I almost cried out in terror, for on it was a large figure life-sized, and for one horrified moment I had thought that someone was sitting there.

The figure on the altar seemed to leer at me. It was evil. I saw then that it was meant to represent the Devil the horns, the cloven feet were evidence of that; the red eyes seemed to be fixed on me.

There were drawings on the walls. I looked at them. At first they were incomprehensible men and women in coupling groups in strange positions and then the significance of this was brought home to me.

Now I had one desire and that was to get out of this place as quickly as I could. I ran. I kicked the stone away from the door and shut it behind me. I ran through the wood as though pursued by the Devil and I really felt that I had come face to face with him.