Secret for a Nightingale (17 page)

My thoughts were in a turmoil. What had I stumbled on?

Mrs. Pollack greeted me.

“He’s still sleeping. I’ve looked in on him twice. Are you all right, Mrs. St. Clare?”

“Yes … thank you, Mrs. Pollack. I’ll just go up. I don’t

want him to sleep too long, or he won’t get his rest tonight. “

I went up to my room.

What did it mean? I had to know.

I don’t know how I got through that day, but I was aware of what I had to do. I had to find out exactly what happened in that cave. This was my home . the home of my child. If what I feared was going on was true, I should have to take some action.

That evening I settled Julian in his bed and sat by the window. How silent the house was!

It was about fifteen minutes to midnight when I heard the first sound.

I thought: This is why Aubrey gave orders that the guests were to be in the east wing. That is well away from the rest of the house and their comings and goings would not be heard.

I watched them emerge from the house. It was a dark night but I could make out the figures as they moved towards the wood. I sat there after they had disappeared, bracing myself. I was trembling, but I knew I had to be sure. I had to do this.

Images crept into my mind; I had heard whispers of strange sects when I was in India. There were rituals and secret meetings . there was worshipping of strange gods.

I thought of that figure of Satan on what could only have been a mock altar.

Don’t go, said a voice within me. Go to London tomorrow. Take Julian with you. Say that you cannot live another day under this roof.

I could not do that. But I must have evidence of what was going on. I must see with my own eyes.

I put on my boots and a big cloak over my night things and crept downstairs. Out through the woods I went to what I had begun to think of as the unholy temple.

The door was shut.

I pushed it open and went in.

The sight which met my eyes was so shocking that although

I had been half prepared, I almost turned and fled. Candles were burning, many of them. There was a haze in the air. I saw people reclining on mats on the floor surrounding the hideous figure on the altar. Most of them were semi-nude or completely so. They were in groups of threes and fours and I turned my eyes from them because I did not want to see what was happening.

I saw Aubrey then and he saw me. He looked strange, wild-eyed, sneering at me. He lunged towards me and said in a slurred voice: “I believe it is my little wife … no, no, no, my big wife … Come to join us, Susanna?”

I turned and fled.

Although I knew he had not followed me, I ran through the woods, scratching my hands on the tree-trunks, panic-stricken because the bracken caught at my clothes and I had a terrible fear it was attempting to hold me until someone came to catch me and carry me back to that scene of depravity.

I stumbled into the house and went up to my room, locking myself in. I threw myself on the bed, feeling sick; and for some minutes I lay there.

Then I rose and went to look at Julian. He was sleeping peacefully.

I thought: I will go to my father. I will tell him everything. I must take Julian away. He must not live here, where all this is going on.

I was making plans feverishly to get away . quickly.

That was the only thought which could give me any peace.

My father would help me. I thanked God for him. I was not alone. I would make my home with him. I could never see Aubrey again without thinking of him in that evil place.

Perhaps I had suspected something of this. Perhaps deep down in my mind I had, ever since that night. Yet he had been such a charming lover . in the beginning. I could not forget those weeks in Venice.

His was indeed a dual personality. Something told me that the charming man was there . but being stifled by the man whose mind and body was being poisoned by the drugs he took.

So many thoughts turned themselves over in my mind. I had a conviction that the mysterious Dr. Damien had started him on this terrible road, that wicked man wanted to see the effect drugs could have on people, so that he could learn about them. He pursued knowledge with ruthlessness and did not care how many people he ruined on the way . as he had ruined Aubrey.

Amelia had hinted that I must be wary of him. I would, if ever he came here. But I should not be here . I should be with my father.

The night was over at last. There was Julian demanding his songs, including Cherry Ripe. I must have given a very poor performance on that morning.

I started getting a few things together. I would tell Aubrey what I intended to do and ask him not to attempt to get into touch with me.

Not that I feared he would. I had seen contempt and hatred in his eyes when I confronted him. He must feel ashamed as I was sure he did in his sane moments.

It was late in the morning when he came to me. I had packed a few necessities and planned to leave on the afternoon train. That was at four o’clock.

For a moment we just stood looking at each other. Then I saw his lips curl and my heart sank. He was in a truculent mood and that cold dislike in his eyes which always alarmed me, was apparent.

“Well,” he said, ‘what have you to say? “

“I am leaving.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Is that all?”

“It is enough.”

“You were not very polite. Bursting in like that… uninvited … and then making off without a word.”

“What words did you expect me to say?”

“Being you … so calm, so restrained … none, of course. Why don’t you throw aside your inhibitions? Why don’t you join us? I can promise you excitement … such as you have never dreamed of.”

“You must be mad.”

“It’s the most thrilling thing I ever knew.”

“You are under the influence of drugs. You are not normal. I would rather not discuss that. I am leaving this afternoon.”

“But
want to discuss it. Do you know, when I married you I thought you were a woman of spirit … I didn’t think you would be so afraid of life.”p>

“I am not afraid.”

“Oh yes you are. You are conventional, straitlaced, a prude. I knew my mistake very soon after I married you. I was going to make you enjoy what I enjoyed. I thought it would be interesting to watch you change. But I soon discovered that you could never throw off all the shibboleths of your upbringing.” He laughed wildly.

“There were times during those few weeks in Venice when I thought I might join you … become what you believed I was. I must have been crazy. I suppose I was really in love with you … then. But I need excitement. I couldn’t live … conventionally … not since I knew what could be had …”

I said: “Well, now we understand each other perfectly. We have both made the worst mistake two people can make. Still, even that is not irrevocable. You take opium … smoke it or take it in some other form. What does it matter how? Perhaps there are other pernicious drugs too. I know of your affair with the nursery maid. I know of what goes on in that appalling place and I want to put myself as far from all that as I possibly can.”

“If you were the virtuous woman you make yourself out to be, you would obey your husband. That is a wife’s first duty.”

“In such circumstances? I do not think so. My duty is to get away from this place and take my child with me.”

He looked at me sardonically.

“Oh Susanna,” he said, “I admire you in a way. So confident… so big. If you had only been prepared to make a little experiment …”

“Experiment? Do you mean become like you and your depraved friends?”

He said: “I wonder …” His face softened a little and I think he was recalling those first weeks in Venice. I realize now that he had not

been pretending then; he had genuinely shared my delight in them. I have grown older now and I understand what I did not at that time, that one cannot divide people neatly into categories the good and the bad. The worst have good impulses sometimes; and the better ones act unworthily. But I was young; I was headstrong; and I was frightened. I was a mother whose first thought was for her child; and I saw Aubrey as a weak man who had formed dangerous, degrading habits and was ruining his life as well as ours because he had not the strength to fight against his obsession. I despised him.

Any love I had had for him had died. It had begun to on that night in Venice. Perhaps it had always been a frail thing. Perhaps that is how young people often are. They fall in love or think they are in love with the first attractive man who is interested in them. They want to be loved; it is a delightful adventure: marriage, children, they are the foundation of the ideal existence. I was seeing it all clearly now. My love for Aubrey had been superficial; if it had been stronger I should have wanted to stay and help him fight this terrible affliction.

No, I did not love Aubrey; but at least I had learned the true meaning of one kind of love when my child was born.

The moment passed.

“At least,” said Aubrey, ‘there is no longer need for secrecy. “

“That night,” I said, ‘that terrible night in Venice . “

He laughed.

“The night of revelation … when I realized I had married a prude a woman with fixed ideas, a woman steeped in conventionality, who would never come with me where I wanted to go. And you knew you had married a monster.”

“You were aware of everything,” I accused him.

“You pretended it was due to a blov/ on the head, that you had been attacked. You had been with the Freelings.”

“You are beginning to see a little daylight, aren’t you? Of course I wasn’t attacked. Seeing that man brought out of the canal gave me the idea. You found my purse, didn’t you? That was careless of me. It was imperceptive of you not to realize then.”

“You met the Freelings. You went into one of your sessions with them.

I understand all that clearly. You didn’t care about

my anxiety, waiting at the palazzo imagining all sorts of horrors which might have befallen you. “

“One doesn’t think about anything at such times. You really should cast aside your inhibitions, you should try …”

I shook my head fiercely.

“And your devilish Dr. Damien was present most likely. He brought you home, didn’t he? That story about being in the hut and his rescuing you … False! All false! The Freelings had to leave India because of all this. My ayah tried to warn me. How I wish that she had never gone to the Freelings … and I had never met you.”

“I wonder how many disappointed wives have said that to their husbands, or vice versa come to that. You should have stayed last night. We would have initiated you into the mysteries and excitement of my Hell-Fire Club. What did you think of it? You stumbled across it before, didn’t you? You found the door but it was locked. Do you remember that day in the gallery when I told you about Harry St. Clare?

I sometimes think I’m Harry born again. I’m just like him. You like stories of the past, don’t you? You like to know the history of the house. Well, that temple under the hillock was built by Harry. I discovered it when I was a boy. There was a reference to it in some old document. I forced open the door. I had a new lock made for it when I was at the university. There was a circle of us there. Well, Sir Francis Dashwood built his temple at Medmenham. Harry saw no reason why he shouldn’t build his here. Just imagine . a hundred years ago Harry and his circle were doing more or less what we are doing here now. History repeating itself. Always interesting, don’t you think? You see, there is nothing new about all this. Perhaps we have advanced a little on the drugs. Harry had his, though. It’s exciting. When you are under the influence, there is nothing, simply nothing, you cannot do. I could tell you . “

“Please don’t. I have no desire to hear.” I looked at him intently. I said: “And what of Amelia’s baby?”

He stared at me.

“You said you met her in the town. Why? So that you could drive her back … and have a little upset… nothing to hurt the carriage much but to destroy her baby … or try to.”

He was silent. I saw a glimpse then of the Aubrey I had known in the beginning. There was a look of contrition in his eyes.

“I might have known,” I said.

“It happened,” he said quickly.

“These things happen. I had no intention …”

“Why did you go to meet her? They were to take the trap. You must have arranged it.”

“She lost her babies .. all of them… the least little thing.”

“So you decided to arrange … this little thing.”

“It happened, I tell you. It happened. Why bring it up? It’s over.”

“There is only one thing more for me to say,” I went on.

“I am leaving here this afternoon.”

“Where will you go?”

“To my father, of course.”

“I see. You, who adhere so fondly to convention, should not take such a daring action.”

“It is not convention but decency which I want to adhere to. I will not have my child brought up in a house like this.”

“So you propose to take my son away from his home?”

“Of course he will come with me.”

He shook his head slowly. All trace of his old self had disappeared. A smile played about his lips and it was not a pleasant one, and a terrible fear struck me. His next words confirmed that fear.

“You are inclined to think that I have played no part in producing that boy.

But that is not the case. Any court of law would tell you that. “

I stared at him in horror. He understood my feelings perfectly. He went on: “You could leave here, of course. But you could not take my son with you.”

My mouth was suddenly parched. The air was full of menace.

“Yes,” he went on.

“You may leave. Of course, the world does not look too kindly on the married woman who deserts her husband, though there arc some who take this unwise action. But you cannot take my son away with you.”

I cried out: “Why do you keep calling him your son? He is mine, too.”

“Ours,” he said.

“But I am his father. This is a man’s world, my dear Susanna. I am sure that fact has occurred to a strong-minded woman like you. If you went and took our son with you, I would soon have him back in his rightful place. The law would see to that.”