Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (2 page)

This is why, more than ever, we need to keep close to the people in life who matter to us, those whose voices resonate with wisdom as well as judgment. We need to connect with those people, if not over a cup of coffee, then through a telephone call or an e-mail. Most days we speak to our own mother at least once. If we have skipped more than one day, we get the infamously cold “Gloria hello” and begin the conversation with “I’m sorry; I meant to call you.” We do this not only because we love our mother but also to show our own children how important it is to call their mother. We are not fools.

The women in our family, on both Sol’s and Gloria’s sides, are women who believe in the power of women. They believe that a good mother could and should strengthen character and influence a child’s direction in life. But a Jewish mother’s wisdom is not reserved for her children—it is spread around to anyone who will listen. She likes sharing her ideas. To be blunt, she loves telling people what to do. She urges them to listen and she speaks with the voice of true expertise. So many people today are yearning for practical, commonsense wisdom, delivered without apologies, second guesses or excuses—some black and white in a world gone very gray. We always assumed that everyone’s mother knew exactly what to do about every single situation in life just like ours did, but apparently that is not the case. Gloria is that mother. She is that person who will tell you the truth, whether you like it or not. She is that person who will give you the answer you know is right, even when you don’t want to hear it. There is very little gray for Gloria. What she has passed on to us, we now share with you.

Although the majority of our upbringing came from our family, we were accompanied on our childhood journey by a very special person whom we referred to as our “second mother.” Her name was Ethel Hill. Ethel was a black woman from North Carolina who had left her three kids down south with relatives so she could work to support them and send them money, much like today’s immigrants. Ethel worked for us as our housekeeper twice a week and slept with Lisa in her bedroom so she wouldn’t have to
shlep
to and from Brooklyn as often. We always felt guilty that we had Ethel with us as a mother when her own children did not.

We loved Ethel like family; in fact, she is posed with us in the family photo at Lisa’s Bat Mitzvah. At the age of forty-seven, she suffered a fatal, massive cerebral hemorrhage at the train station. We miss her terribly. Life isn’t fair, something the Jewish mother knows all too well. Much of who we are today we owe to Ethel, so some of the wisdom you’ll find in this book comes from her too.

We need to give a lot of credit to the men in our lives as well. Strong, secure men. Men who would never consider taking hair off in unwanted places, or asking women to do it either. Men who could lift mattresses without working out in a gym. Remember those? Men who considered it a sacred duty to provide for their families; who made sure their mothers and sisters were provided for before they would take on the obligations of a wife and children. Men who believed in sacrifice, who lived what they believed in and who, frankly, didn’t talk about it much. We believe that if you search the background of many successful career women, there was a father cheering them on early in life—cheering, guiding, mentoring and believing. That is our father, Sol, in a nutshell. The original
kveller.
Also a
mensch.

The men in Jewish culture believe that educating their daughters is as important as educating their sons. They love their daughters, they indulge their daughters, but they expect their daughters to have achievements of their own, not to grow up to become a reflection of their husband’s accomplishments. Many of our “secrets of a Jewish mother” come from our fathers, who passed them down to their daughters, who became mothers, who told everyone. Naturally.

For example, Daddy always told us never to do anything we wouldn’t want to read about on the front page of The New York Times. That was when everyone actually read that newspaper, so we knew what he meant. Here was the standard of honor to Daddy: If you were thinking of doing something you would be ashamed for anyone else to know about, then don’t do itl Stay away. Another pearl from Daddy? Never be less than who you are. Don’t feel bad about doing the right thing even if it is not reciprocated, even if it goes into the “no good deed goes unpunished” file. Keep being the best you can be; that is what you are supposed to do in life. You’ll see a lot of Sol in these pages too.

The Jewish mother lives to analyze and worry, the two being inextricably entwined. It’s no coincidence Freud was Jewish; there is no question in our minds that the first psychoanalyst was probably Freud’s mother, but he got all the credit. Moreover, the Jewish mother is actually quite happy worrying; it’s the default setting in her computer. Over what does she worry, incite and instigate? Family relationships. Money, health—yes, these are important too. But what keeps her up at night is the fight with her sister, her mother and her daughter. Once in a while, a fight with a husband can intrude on her mental tranquility, but it would have to be a really big fight. Over time, Jewish mothers build up an immunity to everyday bickering; they stop thinking of it as arguing and view it as a normal means of communication. (You don’t want to miss it when one partner stops hearing—that’s when the fun really begins.)

Do you have to be Jewish to embrace the secrets of a Jewish mother? Of course not. We share much with Italian mamas and African American women, as well as Greek, Russian and Latina ones—in fact, mothers everywhere. Most of the things we discuss in this book are universal truths about the need for respect, the sanctity of family, the importance of love. This book just has a dose of our particular culture added to the lessons. We hope that you will find our traditions interesting if you are not Jewish. And if you are Jewish, we’d be happy to compare notes.

You should know that our family is not particularly religious. Although we celebrate many traditions and Jewish milestones, our level of observance tends toward the Conservative branch of Judaism, which is in between the Reform movement and the Orthodox branch. The Conservative movement tries to reconcile modern thought with traditional worship. It is a very tough road it tries to straddle, but it suits us; it is how we were raised. Moderate, in all things. We are proud to be modern American women with our heads held high who dress as we please. Yet we are also very proud to be Jewish; extremely proud of our heritage, our culture and our faith. We were raised to believe that Judaism is not just a religion; it is a way of life. Even though we do not observe a lot of the religious tenets, we strive to incorporate a lot of Judaism’s values and teachings in our lives.

One thing we do want to stress is that we have made lots of mistakes in life and continue to do so. Perfect we are not, whatever that is. Not even close. One of the subtitles we thought of for this book was
Advice by Three Women Who Know They Don’t Know It All.
Nevertheless, we try our best. We each have these voices in our head, and they penetrate. They advise us what to make for dinner. They whisper to us to make the phone call or send the card. They command us to attend the funeral. They tell us to persevere, to stick together and not to take life too seriously. They make us laugh and urge us to “pay it forward.” Above all, they remind us to love each other. This is the voice of the Jewish mother.

We have divided this book into chapters that each contain three main parts. The first is context, in which we explain a particular “secret” or life lesson. Then we relate the lesson to our lives by telling a story. We love stories. Telling them allows us to learn and teach at the same time. Afterward, we urge you to ask yourself the questions that we think are the important ones raised by the lesson and illustration. We are hoping that at the end of this book you will have accomplished several things:

We believe the secret to life is to learn how to love each other. Not only is it the secret to life, it is the purpose of life. Our spirituality, such as it is or is not, comes from this essential truth. To the extent we learn the lessons we are meant to learn, we grow as human beings. To learn these lessons, we have to ask ourselves the hard questions and answer them truthfully, even if only to ourselves. Difficult as it is, sometimes we need to change our behavior, if not our character. If we make excuses, continuing to rationalize what we do despite the fact that we bemoan the outcome, we get stuck. We are doomed to keep repeating our mistakes, to keep whining and complaining about the same problems in our lives. Aren’t you bored? Don’t you want different problems to complain about? Change up your behavior, your attitude, your responses. Find the funny in life, and begin with laughing at yourself. See what happens.

Writing this book has been a blessing for our family. We view it as our legacy for our children and their children. Maybe we haven’t repeated these values loudly or often enough; if not, the words are right here, on the page (where we can throw them at you kids, if necessary). As Mommy said, life is short. It goes from Rosh Hashanah to Passover and back again, in the blink of an eye. At the end, people judge their success by the quality of their relationships: who has stood by you, who will take care of you, who loves you, no matter what you have done or what you are going through. These are the people who matter. Love them. Accept them. Forgive them. And get a pet. Although people may disappoint, dogs and cats never will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

D
o you remember that “falling in love” feeling when you discover a kindred spirit? It’s heaven—the endless phone conversations, the excitement of discovering the things you have in common. Like romantic love, friendship can bring joy, but it can also wound to the core. As much as we cherish the friends we do have, we all carry scars from friendships that did not last.

Our philosophy? Once you’ve loved someone, particularly a good friend, a part of you never stops loving that person, even if you can no longer tolerate her in your life. The key is being able to judge who is worthy of your loyalty and devotion. At times, we’ve all had to figure out when we needed to fight for a friendship and, sadly, when it was time to let go. We hate to let go of anything, whether it be that great bag on sale or the pantsuit that used to fit us twenty years ago. Jewish mothers believe in second, third and fourth chances.

Our friend Amelia once shared with us that she thinks of friends in terms of theater seats. There are front-row friends and those who sit in the orchestra section. Occasionally, a friend shifts; a close friend may move to the balcony, or someone who was sitting in the orchestra all along can suddenly move up to the front row. The idea is that at any time in your life you may have many friends, but the closeness you feel with them may change.

We agree with Amelia’s analogy. However, it also begs the question—what makes a close friend? A Jewish mother values her friends and does all she can to be there for them. But she’d like her friends to be there for her too. So when she calls her best friend to ask her to drive her to get a colonoscopy, she expects her friend to wait till she finishes, even if it takes three hours, because hey, that’s what she would do.

We’ve all heard the saying “You can pick your friends but not your family.” Well, not necessarily. You can’t pick your schoolmates or your coworkers. Yet you need to make friends with those people to survive and thrive. What you need to do in life is figure out how to get along with as many people as possible, while at the same time discerning among them who can be truly called a friend.