Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (9 page)

I dated Bill for three years before we got married. During one summer, he lived in Manhattan and I lived in Woodmere at home with my parents. Instead of having him come out to the Island to pick me up for a date, it was more convenient to meet him in the city, so I started doing that. Bill got used to that routine. My parents didn’t like it one bit. “You live in Woodmere—the boy comes to you!” they said. They believed that a boy must always come pick up the girl at her house, where she lives, and deposit her home safely. No exceptions, no excuses. When I raised the issue with Bill, I could hear in his voice his protest and just a little bit of taking me for granted. I didn’t like that one bit. We had a huge fight about this issue and almost broke up that summer because of it. Needless to say, guess who started getting picked up again in Woodmere? My parents were right; you must demand respect to receive it.

By the way, Bill remembers this story differently. He does not even remember our fight—all he remembers is
shlepping
to and from Woodmere all summer long to take me out on dates. ■

1.
Generosity
:
Never
marry a stingy person. It will ruin your life.

2.
Dedication:
Better if he loves you a little more than you love him. It lasts longer that way.

3.
Kindness:
Above all, kindness. Giving your spouse “five minutes of understanding” has saved many a marriage and ended many an argument.

4.
Fidelity:
Always be on your toes; always make sure your husband is on his toes as well. Never take this for granted.

5.
Ambition:
Money is round; it comes and goes in life. Money itself is not important; character and ambition are what is important. It’s not where you come from that matters, it’s where you are going.

6.
Fatherhood Capabilities:
How can you tell a good husband will be a good father? Often you can’t, and you hope for the best. Our own opinion is that most decent men make excellent fathers, if given the chance. We hit the jackpot with our father, Sol.

7.
Brains
: The sine qua non of keeping life interesting and giving your children a good chance of being smart too. For a Jewish mother, this is the one that goes without saying, and it is the first trait evaluated upon meeting a prospective mate. An Ivy League education may give you bragging rights, but the Jewish mother knows it is no guarantee of success.

8.
Sense of Humor:
Without which life is simply not worth living, especially to a Jew. If we don’t laugh, we cry.

9.
Age Compatibility:
Try not to marry a man much older than yourself: It lasts longer that way. To this Jill says, “I do know that I won’t be with Bobby as long as I want, that being forever, and that I might have many lonely years in front of me. This is all the more reason to try to cherish the moments as much as I can.”

10.
If You Are Jewish, He Has to Be Jewish Too:
You may not like this one, but we are being honest here—it is one of Gloria’s essentials. If he wasn’t born Jewish, he needs to convert. The kids must be raised Jewish. If you aren’t Jewish but have a strong faith or cultural identity, keep this in mind as you make your choices. No matter what your faith, two conflicting belief systems are confusing for children, especially as they begin to ask questions. We think you should pick a team.

Men whose egos are too large are usually quite vain. A woman who is tied to such a man will often end up being submissive to the needs, wants and desires of this man. I tried to teach my girls that a woman is equal to and never less than her mate. I knew a couple where the husband’s clothes took up three closets (!), leaving his wife with only one. Her small closet was a sign of how unimportant her opinion was in that household. I knew another couple who eventually got divorced because there was such obvious competition between the two as to who was the more glamorous half of the couple. There is only one peacock to a family. ■

I know very well that I am the peacock in my family. I was the peacock in my first marriage too, so I knew how to get that part right! Last June, we arrived for a huge red carpet for the Gracie Awards show in New York City. The red carpet was more than two hundred feet long, with hundreds of photographers and cameramen. I walked on first, alone, to the sound of “Jill, look here!” I heard them also call out Bobby’s name. I turned around to grab Bobby’s hand; he reluctantly came onto the carpet, and as soon as I let go ... he disappeared. I was blinded by the flashbulbs, and as I continued walking down the carpet I could see Bobby’s head over the shoulder of a camera-person. He was quietly walking in tandem with me, making sure I looked OK, never looking away. At the end of the seemingly endless red carpet, Bobby met me, handed me my scarf and held my hand again. In contrast, another couple was posturing and posing, and it was clear to me that the man was trying to steal the spotlight. It does not matter, though, who is the peacock. The rule to remember is that there can only be one. ■

I distrust vain men. I got that from my mother. There is nothing that turns me off a man faster than an aftershave that smells stronger than my perfume, and I don’t even wear perfume. I think I equate vanity in men with selfishness. If a man is thinking about how good he looks, he is not thinking about how I look. Not a good sign. ■

When I think of it now, I am really ashamed of myself. I was practically engaged to two men at the same time! I began dating Leon in my late teens, and we had been seeing each other steadily for about two years. I’m sure he thought we would eventually get married. Nevertheless, I used to date other guys in between, because until you have a ring on your finger, you are not committed to one person. One day I had a blind date with Sol. The date was totally forgettable, but Sol was rather persistent, and I remember he had a wonderful telephone voice. So I started seeing Sol too. I would see Sol at a luncheonette and then around the corner Leon would be waiting to take me home. I was crazy! That phase did not last long, thank God. But I never told Leon that I was engaged to Sol until the night before we were to be married. I have always regretted the way I behaved. It was disgraceful! Sometimes I think I never told Leon because I was uncertain of my feelings for Sol, so I had a backup plan to get back with Leon in case I broke off my engagement with Sol. Why did I choose Sol over Leon? I always tell the girls that if I had married Leon, they would have had green eyes but they would have been dumb. Leon was better-looking than Sol, certainly. But Sol had something else: He was really smart. No question, I chose brains over looks. Thank goodness, I made the right choice. I was the lucky one and so were my children. ■