Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (11 page)

When I first married Sol, I didn’t expect him to be perfect; if I had, we would have gotten divorced a long time ago. Even before we got married, I already knew he was not going to get along with my parents, particularly my mother. I knew Sol wasn’t terribly articulate either; even though he was a lawyer, he had a very quiet demeanor and didn’t express himself verbally as well as I would have liked. But I had issues too. Even though looking back I can see that I was beautiful, I didn’t feel all that desirable. Being overweight when I was younger had made me a little brittle. I didn’t get along well with a lot of people. I was twenty-three when we became engaged, already considered a little old for marriage in those days. Even though Sol was very poor, I could see that he had a lot of potential. I felt I could live with the faults knew about and hoped our love and some luck would take care of the rest. ■

I do think Bobby is perfect, but I knew our situation itself wasn’t perfect, even though I did a good job telling myself it was. After you are divorced, everything is more complicated. Bobby came with three almost-grown children, an ex-wife, two sisters and a close family of nieces and nephews. I wanted everyone to love me because I loved Bobby. I went out of my way to include his family in everything-to host holidays, vacations and weekends where all of us would be together. I hoped they would like me, even love me, but you can only control what you do, not the way someone else feels. My priority was making sure that Bobby and Allyson would get along, since we were going to be living together. As you could see in the first season of The Real Housewives of New York City, I am always trying to bring them closer together. Entering into a second marriage, I was no longer looking for perfection; I was so happy to be in love with Bobby that I was determined to make everything else work out as well as I could. ■

1.
What are the faults you know you cannot accept in any man?

2.
What are your faults? Come clean.

3.
What are his faults that you can live with? (For example, that he doesn’t cook, clean or know how to fix the smoke alarm that keeps beeping? Wait a second, that’s Sol, Bobby
and
Bill!)

4.
Even if the situation is not perfect, what can you do to improve it?

5.
How much effort is this relationship worth—and are you willing to sustain your efforts in the long run?

We think gentle men make the best dads, but we are prejudiced. We have an exceptionally patient father. Neither one of us can really remember Daddy ever raising his voice to us, but to be fair, in our house rising above the decibel level of the females was a doomed effort from the start.

We do not think that if a man is not interested in kids he won’t make a good father. Why should he be interested in anybody’s kids except his own anyway? Don’t take the fact that he won’t go with your nieces to see the latest animated movie as a sign he will not be a good father. Men’s paternal instincts kick in when the cub belongs to their cave and nobody else’s. Conversely, if he adores your nephews, will he make a good father? Maybe. It’s as good an indication as any. But make sure you’ve read the first part of this chapter—be certain he can earn a living. ■

When I decided to get divorced, I had to think about who would be the best substitute father possible. Allyson was only five years old. Steven, Allyson’s dad, would always be in her life, but who would be the right man to see her off to school every day and treat her as if she were his own, including giving financial support if necessary? When I met Bobby, I had already met one of his three children, Jonathan, who was very kind and thoughtful. Jonathan adored his father and I thought this was a very good sign. Over time I met Bobby’s other children, David and Jennifer, as well as his sisters and nieces and nephews. Bobby is truly the patriarch of his family. Everyone looks up to him as a generous and caring man, and he has earned their love and respect. I truly think Bobby treats Ally no differently than he treated his own children when they were young, which means that he loves Ally and is here for her, but he does not micromanage her life. That’s my job. ■

1.
Have you observed this guy with kids? And?

2.
Can you imagine him in the caretaker role, supporting both you and someone else?

3.
Does he have a quicktemper, or is he patient?

On the issue of premarital sex, there was only one rule when I was dating. It was not done! If you did engage in premarital sex you did it at your own peril. Those were the days when the morals of life were clearly black or white, never gray. ■

Actually, Daddy was much more hung up on making sure I understood the rules about sex than Mom was. He was determined that I “get it”—that I understand that real men did not respect women who slept with other men before they got married. I should understand that sex for a woman was bound up in love and long-term commitment. My mother clearly felt the same way, but it was my father who insisted on having these conversations with me. Naturally, as soon as he started talking about anything to do with sex, I ran out of the room. You would think from all the running I did that I would never have gotten the message. But Dad was clever; there was always the car, in which I was a captive audience. ■