Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (12 page)

Premarital sex? Did Lisa and I live in the same house? It was the seventies—free love! I won’t say we didn’t talk about sex, but I swear I don’t remember! Lisa always listened to Daddy and I never heard him. I had undiagnosed ADD and rarely focused on anything for a long period of time. Maybe that’s why I had so many boyfriends. I was boy-crazy at an early age and do remember a fourth-grade assembly trying to teach us about sex education and going slow, but it didn’t help. I had my first kissing boyfriend at fourteen, and we practiced for hours on the sofa in the attic. ■

I am old-fashioned. I believe young women should keep their legs closed as long as possible, preferably until marriage, or at least until they find themselves in a loving, committed relationship. I tell my daughter that she does not have to have sex, or other acts of great intimacy, in order to know if the chemistry is there, and that if he loves you, he will never pressure you into doing something that is uncomfortable for you. Of course, I have no illusions. My daughter will either take my advice or not. I fully recognize that for some people, this advice is not only hopelessly outdated, it is also sexist. Some might even think this advice could be dangerous, in that it does not cover birth control before marriage or could lead my daughter to an unsatisfying sex life. But I can’t be a phony, espousing the virtues of promiscuity when I don’t believe they are good for anybody. Double standards may be sexist and outdated, but the last time I checked it’s still the girl who gets pregnant. And a baby needs a mother and a father, both of whom are fully capable of and committed to raising a child. My children know they can come to me with any issue and I will be there for them. But they also know that I believe that if you want to live a moral life, then you cannot separate the act of sex from love. ■

1.
How comfortable are you with your sexual boundaries?

2.
Have you ever slept with a guy just because he wanted to, even if you didn’t want to?

3.
How long do you make a guy chase you before you sleep with him, if you do?

4.
Have you ever tried not sleeping with a guy until you were sure you were in love?

5.
Have you ever accidentally gotten pregnant? What did you learn from that experience?

In my day, people simply did not live together before they got married. We never saw the need for long engagements either, unless men were going to war. If you are very young, why are you engaged in the first place, unless you want to get married right away? If you are older, why wait? I view engagement as a waiting period, but if you require more than a year to decide if you are doing the right thing, you might as well keep dating. ■

I got the message to Bill that after three years together at Johns Hopkins, we were either getting married or breaking up. Either I was going to New York to attend law school with a ring on my finger, or I was going as a single girl. I figured he might propose that summer. But Bill surprised me and proposed in March of my senior year. Bill is a traditional guy. He actually flew to New York to ask my father for my hand in marriage, before coming to propose to me in Baltimore, having already bought me a beautiful diamond ring. He got down on one knee.

I didn’t live with Bill until after we got married. Our first apartment was at 300 Mercer Street in Manhattan. Everything was fresh and new. Aunt Cooky threw me a surprise bridal shower at her house. I don’t understand couples who would rather live together before getting married just because they want to save up for a ring. To me, the ring itself is not important—it’s just a token—and you can trade up to a nicer ring if you want when your fortunes improve. What’s important is getting it in the right order: first the dating, then the commitment vows, then the living together. ■

One of the rules I learned from my mother is to never move to a city for a man without a ring and obviously never move in with a man without a ring. Doing either goes against reason if your goal is to get married. From his point of view, why get married when you can live together? What’s in it for the girl?

The old-fashioned saying “Why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free?” is true. It is exactly why someone who wants to get married and close the deal holds out. I probably told my first husband, Steven, this wisdom by our third date. He got the message and knew I would not move back from Boston to New York for him unless we became engaged. We commuted to see each other almost every weekend that summer until he asked me to marry him.

Much later, when I was dating Bobby, I made a rule that even if Bobby came over to my apartment, Allyson could never wake up and see him there. Of course when Ally went to her dad for weekends, Bobby would stay over, but we both viewed it as temporary. We were passionately in love and knew we would get married. It was very important for me to set a good example for Ally. ■

Ever think of becoming a Jew? If you watched Charlotte convert in the Sex
and
the City series, you’ll know it’s no easy feat. Much studying and many ritual observances are required. Plus the rabbis insist that an individual not convert merely for the sake of marrying another Jew. They realize the commitment to the faith must come from one’s own belief system; it will not last if it is imposed by another or done impulsively as a way to get permission to marry. If you are serious about converting, you should know that the only kind of conversion recognized in Israel is one handled by an Orthodox rabbi. We think this is grossly unfair, but the Israelis didn’t ask us, and that is their rule. From a Jew’s point of view, we say this: If you’d like to become a member of our tribe, by all means, we’d love to have you. But have you really thought about it? Mull it over—you may change your mind. It’s not so easy being a Jew.