Secrets She Kept (20 page)

He smiled. “I like it best when you call me that, Hannah. It means a great deal to me.”

I smiled in return, hesitantly.

“Now, it is nearly time for luncheon. I propose we dress and go to
town. I will call a driver and we will dine in the best restaurant Berlin has to offer. It is time we celebrated.”

“Please, Grandfa
 
—Grossvater. Please, there are questions I need to ask you, things I’ve put off entirely too long.”

He sat back. “Ask me anything, my granddaughter, as long as it is not about the past. I choose not to remember darker days, but to go forward . . . we must go forward together.”

“I don’t wish to bring any sadness to you, but I must know two things. The first is, how did you come by such wealth? Dr. Peterson told me you worked as a government employee until you retired.”

He breathed deeply, and I’m sure his chest trembled. “This is true. But I have worked hard and invested wisely. And you must remember that for many years I have lived alone. I had no son to set up in business after my Rudy was killed, no daughter to marry to another after she ran away. My wife died years before.”

“You never remarried. Was there never anyone else?”

He looked away and his eyes filmed, as if I’d plucked hairs from his head.

“Grossvater?”

“There was someone.” He swallowed. “But she was above my station. I was not so well established at that time, and she accepted the attentions of another after . . .”

“After what?”

“After Lieselotte disgraced our family. I do not wish to discuss this.”

“I’m sorry. It must have been very lonely for you.”

He tensed.

“And you missed Uncle Rudy.”

“My handsome boy
 
—my warrior son
 
—rotted and starved in a Russian prison.” I could see Grandfather age before my eyes. “Why do you bring these things to mind again?”

“Not because I wish to hurt you, but I need to know, to understand. Most of all, I need to understand what happened to Mama.”

“Peterson told you that she ran away
 
—though it was not his to tell.”
His voice rose. “She ran away and left me
 
—alone
 
—with nothing and no one.”

“Where did she go? It must have been in the middle or near the end of the war. Where could she have gone all alone? Was she alone?”

“How would I know this? If I knew where she had gone, would I not have brought her home?” He turned away.

“You searched for her?”

“She made her choice
 
—she was disloyal.”

“Disloyal to you?”

“
Ja
, disloyal to me, to the Fatherland, to her brother who was fighting for the Führer!”

“How was she disloyal? In what way?”

He shook his head. “Stop interrogating me!” But he looked less certain and I knew this might be my only chance, his most vulnerable moment.

“What was Mama’s connection to the Confessing Church?”

He paled. “How do you know of this?”

“I’ve heard of it. I heard something from Mama about having been a member, an advocate.” That part was a lie, but the fear in his eyes showed me that I’d hit the nail on the head.

“Heretics, traitors disloyal to the Führer and the Reich, saboteurs. A shame to the National Church and the German Volk. Lieselotte might just as well have stabbed a knife into her brother’s chest as to take up with them.”

“Because she was part of a church?”

“A church that was nothing but a front for breaking the law
 
—a pretense at holiness to thwart the Reich and all the hopes of the German people.”

“How could Mama do that?”

“She was a sneak
 
—a thief, a liar!” He stood, enraged. “She is dead. She has been dead to me since the day she ran away with
 
—” He stopped abruptly.

“With who? Who did she run away with?” My heart beat faster. Who would she run with but my father?

“It does not matter now.”

“It matters to me. Did she run away or did you drive her away?”

“Drive my daughter away?
Nein!
Why would I do this?”

“She was young and ran away at a terribly uncertain time. There must have been a reason. Was it because she discovered you had tricked Jews, and were selling them to the Reich?”

Grandfather swayed, as if I’d punched him in the stomach. “This is a lie! Who told you such things? I demand to know! Frau Winkler, yes? Always sympathy for
der
poor
Juden
! Why is it you Americans always want to dredge up the past? To accuse us?”

“I’m not accusing you, Grandfather; I’m trying to understand what happened to my mother, why she did what she did
 
—what it was that she did.”

“
Grossvater
. You must call me
Grossvater
!”

“Grossvater. Please, tell me about Mama
 
—did you argue?”

“
Nein!
Lieselotte
 
—foolish girl
 
—ran after that boy. She was besotted from the time she was a child. If I had known that his whorish Mutter was
der Juden
I would not have allowed them in my house! She would not have nursed
 
—never touched
 
—my Elsa.”

“A Jewish boy? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who was the boy?”

“I forbade her to see him. I should have known when his father refused to join the Party. She shamed me! Criminals. His family
 
—all of them!”

“Because they were Jews? Because they were part of the Confessing Church?”

“Because they were vermin! Because they hid criminals from the authorities. They turned against the Führer and dragged my daughter with them! They broke the law. They broke the law!” He pounded the table, veins throbbing in his temples.

I sat down. “Resistance? Mama was part of the resistance.” I could
barely comprehend it. But it fit
 
—perfectly
 
—all the odd things I knew about her. The time she’d helped the tramp despite the sheriff, despite the offense she created and the ridicule she knew she’d endure at the hands of women in the community.

“The shame she brought cost me everything. I was ostracized by my peers, questioned by the authorities, dismissed from my position in the Party. Dismissed!”

Drums pounded in my stomach.
Mama stood up for the weakest of the weak. She stood against her own father.

“And when the shame came, the woman I had intended to marry, to take as my wife, turned against me.”

“She turned against you because your daughter helped people?”

“You make it all sound so . . . so . . . you do not understand. You are young and foolish.” He groped for his cane, his hands shaking. “I no longer wish to celebrate this day.”

At the door, he turned. “Do not delve so deeply into the past, Hannah. It is over, forgotten. It cannot be changed. And your future depends on it.”

LIESELOTTE SOMMER

JULY–SEPTEMBER 1944

The very next day, Fräulein Hilde invited Frau Kirchmann and me to her home and private parlor for afternoon coffee, to plan my engagement party. Now that Vater had capitulated, despite Dr. Peterson’s protestations, Fräulein Hilde could not move fast enough. I didn’t care; never had I been so happy.

Neither Fräulein Hilde nor I counted on Frau Kirchmann’s hesitation.

“I simply do not understand the rush. Why not wait until the war is over? The Führer says we are so near. What a glorious celebration that would be!” Frau Kirchmann sat on the edge of the chintz sofa, did not touch her honey cake, wouldn’t look at me. All her conversation was directed to Fräulein Hilde, as if she knew my life’s cards lay in her hands. “Lieselotte can certainly stay with us while you and Herr Sommer honeymoon. She’s welcome to live with us, in fact.”

“Wolfgang and I want to be certain Lieselotte’s future is secured before we marry.”

“But in these times so little is certain. Lukas’s work, you understand, is so very
 
—”

“Let me be plain, Frau Kirchmann.” Fräulein Hilde placed her cup firmly in its saucer on the low table between us. “Wolfgang and I will not marry until Lieselotte has married . . . or until she is . . . settled. We marry in October. Our plans are made. If this marriage is not an option, then I’m afraid Wolfgang will take matters into his own hands. She will not live with your family unless she is married
 
—that’s simply too temporary a solution.”

“I see.” Frau Kirchmann replaced her cup as well.

“Do you not wish me to marry Lukas?” I held my breath, realizing that for whatever reason she might not want me either. “Do you not wish me for your family?”

“Oh, no,” Frau Kirchmann instantly clasped my hand. “No, my dear Lieselotte. Of course I want you! I think of you as my daughter already! I am delighted that you love my son and that he loves you. It’s just, I’m afraid for his work, and your future, that
 
—”

“As you said, Frau Kirchmann, these are uncertain times. Is it not better for the young to marry and have one another to hold through challenging times? I daresay you and Herr Kirchmann have enjoyed that pleasure.” Fräulein Hilde sat back in her deep chair, the pose of one victorious.

Frau Kirchmann stared at her, taking Fräulein Hilde’s measure. It seemed to me she took too long to respond. Finally she nodded. “Yes, of course. I understand.” She took only a moment more before smiling at me. “Then it’s settled, isn’t it? We’ll plan an engagement party together. And a wedding. But I’m afraid if you’re intent on marrying in September, the party and the wedding will be nearly back to back. Lukas said he can only get two weeks away.”

“It needn’t be big at all,” I offered, nearly pleading. “I want only my family
 
—our family.”

“Nonsense,” Fräulein Hilde intervened. “You can have your intimate engagement party if that is what you wish, but the wedding must be worthy of your father’s station in life.”

“I don’t think Vater will want a big
 
—”

“Leave it to me. As long as it doesn’t rival our own, Wolfgang will be pleased with my arrangements.” She purred like a cat who’d eaten two canaries, “We’ll put on quite a show for those Party members who’ve hesitated to promote your father through their ranks. It will be a good investment
 
—for everyone.”

Frau Kirchmann gave my hand a warning squeeze, so I smiled at Fräulein Hilde and squeezed the hand of my dear mother-to-be in return.

August sped by. Arrests from our network of Jews increased. No one could understand why
 
—how it was our hiding places were revealed. Helping became more dangerous
 
—at least it felt more dangerous, and I found myself nervous, forever looking over my shoulder. Being loved and loving Lukas, planning our wedding
 
—suddenly my life meant more. I had so much more to lose if caught.

By mid-September Fräulein Hilde was in and out of our house at all hours, as were caterers, florists, wine merchants, and others whose function I’d no idea of. She kept the house abuzz and food flowing freely. It was not hard to steal away with small bundles at odd times
 
—bundles I knew might save our starving fugitives.

No one seemed the least bit concerned about my coming and going. I supposed there was greater freedom afforded a young woman about to wed, and I took good advantage of that freedom.

My satin wedding dress and lace-edged veil hung outside my wardrobe door. My case for our honeymoon sat on a chair nearby, half packed. Everything else could wait until Lukas and I returned from our three-day wedding trip
 
—two precious nights in the country home of a colleague of Frauleine Hilde. Before Lukas returned to duty I’d move
in with his family, until we could secure a house
 
—a home of our own, perhaps in the spring if the war truly ended by then. How good that sounded
 
—how impossibly wonderful!

Fräulein Hilde promised a simple dinner for our engagement party
 
—herself, Vater, the Kirchmanns, and a few Party members Fräulein Hilde insisted could not be omitted from “family affairs.” Now that she and Vater had announced their own plans, she played me as a pawn
 
—a convenient Aryan “daughter” to show off
 
—a daughter preparing to take her place among the ranks of good German wives, for Führer and Fatherland. My “simple dinner” grew and grew.

Frau Kirchmann counseled me to acquiesce, to maintain a sweet and low profile and pray that we’d all be forgotten in the wake of Fräulein Hilde and Vater’s far more lavish wedding soon to come
 
—what Fräulein Hilde was determined would prove Berlin’s social event of the season.

“Anonymity,” Frau Kirchmann said, “is a blessed thing.”

Nothing mattered, as long as Lukas and I could be together, as long as I became part of the Kirchmann family.

I’d no idea where the silver and crystal came from that graced our dining room table that night, or indeed, where the long banquet table itself had been found. Despite her weeks of planning, in two frenzied days Fräulein Hilde and Vater transformed rooms in the main floor of our house to rival any diplomat’s mansion in Berlin.

The wrinkle in those last few days before the engagement party came shortly after I’d delivered an unexpected package of cutlets stolen from my home larder to a family of four in an area along the outskirts of Berlin
 
—one of the families on Lukas’s old route. I loved this family, not only because they were dear, but because they always asked about Lukas. Their genuine well-wishes and prayers for our coming nuptials lightened my heart.

Just as I pedaled from our agreed-upon spot of delivery, I had the oddest sensation that I was watched, though no one was in sight.

Two blocks from my drop-off point I stopped to check the chain on my bicycle, which made the bad habit of jumping its track. I was
just wiping the chain’s grease from my hands when a black car slowed before passing.

Instinctively, my heart skipped its beat, and I pulled my bicycle onto the curb, against a stone wall, casually turning my face away. The car looked no different from half the cars in Berlin, but something about it, or about the driver who watched me as it passed, made me think
Gestapo
. It was only September, but I couldn’t help shivering.

The day of the party, the house buzzed with caterers and florists creating wonders. A truck for the best bakery in Berlin arrived early, and the spry man who jumped out set to work assembling the most beautiful three-tiered cake I’d ever seen. If this was Frau Hilde’s idea of an intimate engagement dinner with the closest family and friends, what did she intend for a lavish wedding?

Dr. Peterson arrived for a later afternoon meeting with Vater, but Fräulein Hilde would not hear of it. She pulled Vater upstairs and called for the tailor. I should have gone immediately to my room.

“Lieselotte.” Dr. Peterson plucked a rose bud from the dining room table arrangement. I waited while he inserted it in his buttonhole. “I ran into an old friend of Rudy’s yesterday. I was just about to tell your father.”

“Oh?”
Why does he want to raise sad memories now?
My senses remained alert.

“Fulstrom. Heyden Fulstrom, I believe he said his name was. Do you remember him?”

I shrugged, turning away, and ran my fingers across a fan of linen napkins. “Rudy was very popular with his friends. There were many.”

“Herr Fulstrom remembers you. And your fiancé. And your cousin.”

My heart hammered against my chest.

“He was quite surprised to learn that you’ve only recently become engaged. He was certain he remembered you rescuing your lover from
the clutches of another woman, oh, nearly a year ago. Your cousin, I believe he said.”

“How odd. He was mistaken.”

“It was in his report, verified by a colleague on duty with him at the time. A most mysterious affair, wouldn’t you agree?”

I didn’t know where he was leading, but I thought it worse to entertain him than to leave. “You will excuse me, Herr Doktor. I must get ready for this evening’s festivities.”

But as I walked past him, he grabbed my arm. “Who is this cousin, named Anna?”

“Please let go of my arm, Dr. Peterson; you’re hurting me.”

“Herr Fulstrom thought she looked Jewish
 
—was convinced that Lukas Kirchmann protected her, was hiding her, until you appeared and flung yourself at them.” He squeezed my upper arm until I knew there would be bruising.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. A year ago? A cousin? I’m sure you’ll find I have no cousins.”

“Then you won’t mind if I share this small oddity with your father, or in a toast this evening
 
—good for a laugh, wouldn’t you agree?”

“It doesn’t seem very amusing to me. But what you do or do not do, what you say or do not say to mein Vater, is of no concern to me.” I lifted my chin, casting my best bluff upon the waters and praying it carried me through.

He let go of my arm. “You’ve made quite a show of marrying your Lukas Kirchmann. I hope he’s all you expect him to be, all your father expects him to be. A man of Wolfgang’s station
 
—”

“Will be most pleased to have a daughter married to an upstanding citizen of the Reich.”

“Members of the Abwehr remain under investigation, as you are no doubt aware. Your father’s position will not protect Lukas Kirchmann if he is found guilty.”

“And he is not.”

“Rest assured, Fräulein Liesolette, enemies of the Reich will be
ferretted out, no matter who they are, no matter who their families are, no matter how long it takes.”

“I should hope so. But you’ve no need to worry about Lukas or me interfering with your work or the work of the Reich, if that is your concern. I could not be less interested, and Lukas is not one to steal the limelight from another. In any case, we’ll be out of this house within the week. Then you and Vater and Fräulein Hilde can plot and plan and do whatever it is you do, unhindered by concerns for me.”

“And what will you do, while your husband is off and away, about his mysterious Abhwer duties, my busy bee?” He leaned too near.

“Perform the duties of a good German Hausfrau, of course.”

The party started at seven, less than half an hour after Lukas’s train was scheduled to arrive at the Pottsdam station. I prayed he would not be late. I did not wish to enter the lion’s den alone.

At ten of seven I was dressed in a rose satin gown with draped back and diamond earrings
 
—an extravagant engagement gift from Fräulein Hilde and mein Vater. I sat at my dressing table, drumming my nails against its top.

Just after seven I heard the first guests arrive and the greetings of the Kirchmanns. Barely a moment later Marta pounded at my door. “Are you decent? Let me in, Lieselotte!”

I pulled open the door in great relief and flung myself into Marta’s arms. “Is Lukas here? Has he come?”

“
Nein.
But Papa is meeting him at the station. They should be here anytime.”

“I-I’m afraid Doktor Peterson will make trouble. Somehow he’s disco
 
—”

“Lieselotte!” Fräulein Hilde knocked impatiently on the door. Not waiting for an answer, she burst in. “Are you ready? Your guests are arriving. Come, come! Where is Lukas?”

“He’s on the way from the station. He and Papa will be here any moment,” Marta offered.

“I hope so! It’s not much of an engagement party without the groom!” She ushered us out the door and down the stairs.

I’d only been upstairs an hour but the house had been further transformed into a bower of late summer roses and autumn blooms.

Frau Kirchmann welcomed me with a kiss on both cheeks. Vater glanced me over and made a slight bow in reserved approval. Dr. Peterson gave a formal nod but a narrow glance, and my stomach turned over.

A moment later, Lukas and Herr Kirchmann walked through the door and everything flew from my head but the startling blue of Lukas’s eyes. I’d always admired them
 
—flecks of light shot through the iris, shining on the darkest of days. But that night they shone like beacons
 
—and they shone for me, radiating a joy I’d never seen.

“My Lieselotte,” he whispered, kissing my hands, my hair.

“Ah, ah
 
—you must wait for the wedding night, mein Herr!” one of the officers laughed good-naturedly.

We laughed in return, and the room erupted in happiness for us. I’d not smiled so since Mutti was alive, I was sure of it. I glimpsed Vater. The wrinkles in his forehead faded. Fräulein Hilde took his arm and he nodded to whatever she whispered in his ear, smiling. Though it hurt that it was not Mutti standing there beside him, alive and well, it was good to see him happy. I dared to think it a time of new beginnings.

The twelve-course dinner was superb, I was certain, though later I could not remember a thing I ate. The wine was beyond description
 
—that I did remember, and wondered how such vintage could be found, where Vater had procured such luxuries during our age of rationing, or the money to buy them. That he’d gone to such expense for me
 
—for Lukas and me
 
—touched me, warmed my heart. Surely it could not all be Fräulein Hilde’s show and doing.