Seduced in the Dark (12 page)

Instead, he got down on the floor and
proceeded to do as many push-ups as he possibly could. He was tired
and his muscles protested. Two in the morning was not the time for
exercise, his muscles screamed at him, but it was better than the
alternative. He pushed himself until sweat ran down his back and
his stomach quivered, until his arms threatened to give out…until
there was not a chance in hell he could inspire his lust. Then he
took a shower and got in bed.

He slept peacefully and without dreams.

Chapter Seven

Caleb couldn’t sleep. He’d
done everything he could think of, he’d taken a hot shower, he’d
masturbated, and he’d sat in Rafiq’s library and looked through his
books. He couldn’t read, but some of the books had pictures in
them. He’d walked around the house and discovered the snacks in the
kitchen. He’d eaten all the
gulab
jamun
and even now, his fingers and the
corners of his mouth were sticky. He still couldn’t
sleep.

Where was Rafiq, he wondered? His heart
began to race at the thought of the older man. What if he didn’t
come back? What if something had happened to him? Caleb’s stomach
hurt. He’d never been alone before. There was always someone near
him, if not the other boys, then Narweh, if not him, then perhaps a
patron.

Caleb stood and pushed his pillow and
blanket onto the floor, his bed was too soft. He lay down on the
thick carpet and swaddled himself in the blanket he’d been
provided. Outside, the wind howled. Why would Rafiq leave him
alone? He drew his knees up to his chest and rocked. He wished RezA
were with him. RezA was one of the British boys that often shared
his bed. If he had a friend at all, it was probably RezA.

For the first time in a week he let himself
think of someone other than himself. With Narweh dead, what had
happened to the others, to RezA? It was true they often fought and
sometimes threw one another into Narweh’s angry path, but it didn’t
mean there was not affection there. Whenever one of them was
mistreated by a patron or after a particularly savage beating, they
would often comfort each other by applying bandages or offering
arms that consoled instead of harmed. Caleb was smaller, younger
probably, but he was a fighter where as RezA was more amenable and
easily manipulated.

“
Why do you anger him so often, Kéleb?
You know what he will do,” he’d often whispered to Kéleb in the
dark and applied ointment to his skin.

“
I hate him. I’ll let him kill me before
I become his little lap dog. A dog I might be, but not
his.”

“
You’re not a dog, Kéleb,” RezA kissed
his forehead. "You’re a stupid boy.”

“
And you’re a lap dog,” Kéleb countered
with a half-hearted laugh.

RezA laughed too and put the cap on the
ointment. He stood quietly and tip-toed toward his own bed on the
floor.

“
RezA!” Kéleb whispered.

“
What?”

“
I’m going to kill him one day.”

After a long pause, “I know. Goodnight
stupid boy.”

Caleb had done exactly as he promised. He’d
killed Narweh in cold, efficient blood. But he hadn’t bothered to
look for RezA, nor had he told everyone they were free. He never
told them to run. He would like to say it was because the thought
had not occurred to him, but that wasn’t true. He’d been afraid.
He’d been afraid they’d turn on him, because without Narweh, many
of them would have to choose between poverty and a new and unknown
master, perhaps even the drudgery of bonded slavery. He had also
been afraid Rafiq would decide all of it, including Caleb, was too
much of a burden and he would have to face the fate of the others.
So he’d simply let Rafiq lead him away. He’d let himself be shocked
and traumatized over what he’d done. He’d let himself be the
victim. He deserved to be abandoned in return.

A noise startled him from his
self-deprecating thoughts.

He was stone-like in his stillness,
listening for any sounds to indicate whether or not he was alone in
the house and furthermore, if a presence equated to danger. He
heard the door shut somewhat gently and then heard the familiar
shuffling sounds of someone removing their shoes and placing them
near the door. Casual noises were a good sign, Caleb supposed,
since someone intending harm would likely not care enough to remove
their shoes.

Caleb wanted to leave his room, he wanted to
investigate, but the fear he felt still lingered strongly. Rafiq
was a stranger and his moods could be erratic. He remembered with
perfect clarity the way he had been tossed into the bathtub and
held down by Rafiq’s strong arms. He shuddered.

Footsteps neared his door and Caleb tensed
even more, his muscles quivering from being held so tight. The door
opened slowly and he shut his eyes tightly. If Rafiq tried to rape
him, he would fight back. Somewhere in his mind a voice whispered
he should just do whatever was expected of him. He’d survive. He’d
want to die, but he could survive it again.

“Caleb?” Rafiq’s voice whispered into the
darkness.

Caleb held his breath and didn’t answer.

“Boy? Are you sleeping?” Rafiq whispered
again and he seemed in control, not angry or predisposed to
violence.

Caleb refused to answer though, he kept his
eyes shut and tried to breathe as quietly, shallowly and as evenly
as he could until finally, his door shut and Rafiq was gone. Caleb
instantly felt relief, but also loss. He was alone again. Alone and
frightened in a strange, dark room.

What was his life now? He’d killed someone.
He’d murdered. He didn’t feel bad about doing it, he would do it
again given the chance, but what was he to do with his life, who
could he be? Who was Caleb? He had always told himself one day he
would be free, but he didn’t realize freedom could feel…too vast,
too open and uncertain. Now he was free, he felt devoid of purpose
and without a purpose what did his life amount to? He owed a debt
to Rafiq and he would honor it, but once his task was complete he
would find himself in exactly the same place.

Caleb swallowed his fear and tossed back the
blankets, determined to seek answers from the one person in his
life who might have them: Rafiq. He slowly opened the door and
tiptoed toward Rafiq’s room. He hesitated at the door, but then
tentatively knocked.

“I’m not in there,” Rafiq said from behind
him.

Caleb whirled around and stared into Rafiq’s
intense gaze, “I-I-I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I was awake when you
came in, but I….” he looked at his bare feet, “I wasn’t sure what
you came looking for.” Caleb swallowed.

Rafiq smirked, “And what did you
decide?”

Caleb shrugged, “I don’t know. I thought…I’d
get it over with and simply ask you.”

Rafiq’s loud sigh caused
Caleb’s shoulders to tense, but he didn’t move to walk away from
the older man. “That is very brave of you
chab
, but you have no need to be
wary of me; I intend you no harm.”

“What do you intend?” Caleb bristled at
being called a boy.

“I would hope I’ve earned your loyalty by
now. I only meant to see if you are well? I’ve been gone since very
early and I feared my absence was…stressful for you.”

Caleb shrugged
half-heartedly, but in reality, he wanted to weep with gratitude.
No one in a position of power had ever concerned himself with his
well-being. No one had ever just come to check on him. He took a
deep breath and pressed his emotions down into his stomach. He did
not wish to appear weak in front of the one man offering to make
him strong. “It was strange to be alone. Before, with Narweh, there
was always someone, but…it was…I don’t know what to say. I ate all
of the
gulab jamun
,” he confessed sheepishly. “I was also in your library. I’ve
never seen so many books! You must know a lot of things. But don’t
worry!” he was suddenly nervous. “I can’t read. I wasn’t trying to
invade your privacy. I only looked at the pictures. I’m
sorry.”

Rafiq laughed and the sound put Caleb at
ease somewhat. He relaxed further when Rafiq’s hand landed on his
head and ruffled his long, blond hair. “It’s fine, Caleb. This is
your home now. The food was left for you and you are welcome to the
books. I will teach you how to read them.”

Caleb shut his eyes tight to keep his tears
from surfacing. Without warning, he lunged toward Rafiq and wrapped
his skinny arms around him. He wanted to express his gratitude. He
wanted Rafiq to know how much Caleb felt indebted to him.

Slowly and with shaking hands, Caleb reached
up and pulled the older man’s head toward his and pressed his lips
to Rafiq’s. The older man stilled, but didn’t stop him when his
tongue slid across the opening of Rafiq’s mouth. Caleb had done
this many times, with men he hated; surely he could do it once with
someone whom he respected.

Caleb’s youthful body responded to the kiss
and he pressed forward, chasing Rafiq’s mouth, his taste. Rafiq
pulled away.

Caleb panicked. If Rafiq rejected him, he
would die. He would die of shame because he was a whore and knew no
other way.

“Caleb, no.”

“I won’t fight you. I’ll do as you ask,”
Caleb whispered. His words were shaky and full of fear.

“Do as I tell you, now, and stop this.”
Rafiq’s tone held the slightest bit of contempt.

Caleb pulled away and tried to run past
Rafiq, but his path was blocked and soon Rafiq’s firm grip held his
arm. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to. I won’t do it again.” This time
the tears were present in his voice. He couldn’t hide his
shame.

Rafiq pulled him to his chest and held him
tight, “You are, Kéleb, no longer. You are not a dog, and no one’s
whore. You don’t owe me that. You owe it to no one.”

Caleb cried and held tighter to Rafiq. He
couldn’t speak.

“Have you ever been with a woman, Caleb?”
Rafiq whispered above him.

Caleb shook his head. He had seen them of
course, there were female whores Narweh kept, but they were
separated from the boys and never shared with them. He’d caught
glimpses of their bodies and wondered what it would be like to
touch them, but it was a pleasure he’d never experienced.

Rafiq led Caleb toward his own room and
opened the door. Slowly, he released Caleb and urged him inside.
Reluctantly, Caleb loosened his arms and meekly stepped toward the
bed he’d made for himself on the floor. “Tomorrow, then” Rafiq said
casually, “Tomorrow you’ll begin to learn how to take your place at
my side. You’ll have your choice of them.” He smiled as Caleb
stared at him in shock and then he shut the door.

Caleb still couldn’t sleep, but now the
reasons were different. For the first time since he could remember,
Caleb was excited about what the morning would bring.

***

Caleb’s eyes opened in the dark. The dream,
the memory, lingered. He suddenly felt like a boy again, scared of
the dark, scared of the unknown, and lonely. It was strange how a
dream could make itself real. It could take control of one’s mind
and invoke sentiment, so much so, it affected the body. Caleb felt
a lump in his throat; it shouldn’t be there, he was far removed
from the scared boy he had been and yet there it was. His heart
hammered strongly in his chest and his palms were sweaty.

He told himself over and over it had been a
dream, but the emotions clung to him like thick molasses. No matter
how he tried to wipe them from his thoughts, they remained,
shifting from one side of his psyche to the other, vacillating
between the joys he had felt in experiencing his first moment of
acceptance and the grief of knowing the future.

RezA had died. Rafiq had burned Narweh’s
body where Caleb had left it, inside the house. He had not looked
for survivors, he had not warned anyone in the house. Rafiq had
imparted the information to Caleb one morning after breakfast, when
he’d finally found the courage to ask about what had happened.

He had wept for RezA and the other boys in
private after scalding himself with a hot spoon he’d been using to
stir beans. As his flesh burned, he tried to envision what RezA had
felt in the last horrifying moments of his life. Caleb had killed
his only friend and in the end the only scar he had to show for it
was on the inside after his burned skin was cut away and new skin
took its place.

Caleb wanted another shower, one so hot he
wouldn’t be able to think about anything else, but he knew the
behavior was stupid and would likely cause more damage than could
heal in time for him to continue with his mission. It had been some
time since Caleb had had this many compulsive episodes. Yes, he
sometimes needed the pain, but such needs were usually spread out
over long periods of time. In the last few weeks, he’d struggled
not to give in to his impulses many times. It couldn’t
continue.

Rafiq had done what he
needed to do. For Caleb to become the man Rafiq needed him to be;
to become the man
he
wanted to be, there could be no witnesses that knew him as
Narweh’s dog. It was a harsh and debilitating truth at the time,
but Caleb understood it as a man in a way he never could as a boy.
RezA would have done the same.

Caleb rolled over on the floor and sat up to
stare at the shape of Kitten’s body sleeping on the bed above him.
She moved around a lot, her legs jumping beneath the blankets
occasionally. It appeared to Caleb she wanted to roll onto her
side, or her stomach, but even in sleep, the pain kept her in a
slightly upright position.

Her words from earlier drifted toward
him:

“
You could not sell me… I could stay with
you… be with you?”