See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (6 page)

“
I could kill him for this.” He traced around the edge of the swelling bruise on my cheekbone. “Why didn’t you tell me he was bothering you?”

Most of the pain dissolved under his fingers. It was almost worth the punch to the face if it meant being touched by someone who wasn
’t trying to do a drive-by grope.

“
I told Mr. White the first time he grabbed me. You know what he said?” I studied my black Chucks. “I was just ‘misinterpreting things.’”

“
Fuck,” Ash swore under his breath.

“
It gets better.” I smirked without humor. “But he would be happy to arrange a meeting with my dad, if I was that concerned about the issue.”

A little hard to do because of my dad
’s new job. He’d left, working out-of-state for months at a time. He had made me swear to keep it a secret, going on and on about how they’d turn me over to the foster system if anyone found out. I knew firsthand that wasn’t true. No one would care enough to send me away. But I wasn’t entirely convinced my dad’s work trips were of the legal variety. He said he worked on an oil rig and couldn’t be contacted for security reasons. Right. Same reasons they paid him in cash.

Ash said,
“I wouldn’t have left you alone if I’d known—”

“
You can’t protect me every minute of the day. I can handle it.”

He brushed a knuckle
along my cheek. “This is your idea of handling it?”

I nibbled on the inside of my lip and looked up at his eyes. They had turned golden in the
weak afternoon sunlight. I didn’t know what to tell him. I wasn’t going to apologize for my choices. They were mine to make.

“
Why did you do it?” Ash said.

“
I didn’t lie for him, if that’s what you’re wondering. I did it for you.” How could he think otherwise? He knew me better than that. “I didn’t want you to get in trouble.”

“
Nothing would happen to Trevor even if you did tell the truth.” He twisted his mouth in contempt, and then sighed. “And I wasn’t talking about that.”

“
But something would happen to you,” I whispered.

We both knew how his parents would react to a call about him being involved in a fight, especially since Ash
’s mother managed Trevor’s dad’s mayoral campaign that year.

“
I could deal with it,” he said. “I always do.”

But I can
’t
, I thought. I couldn’t handle him receiving a beating because of me. I couldn’t handle him sneaking into my house to sleep on my couch afterward, and then pretending I didn’t hear the nightmares he worked so hard to ignore. I couldn’t handle him being dragged to more psychiatrists for more fake diagnoses to explain his stubborn silent nature to the school and everyone else. I couldn’t handle watching them try to tear him down any more than they already did. The words refused to come, though.

I shook my head at him, frustrated with my inability to put my own thoughts and feelings into words at will. Other people could do it, so why couldn
’t I?

“
Why did you get in between Trevor and me?” he asked again.

“
I don’t know, why did you push him?” Deflection, the weapon of choice for the meek.

“
Because I couldn’t stand for him to talk about you like that. You’re better than him, and everyone else in this hellhole.” He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

As he drew back, my gaze dipped to his mouth. A tiny ribbon of connection unfurled between us. All I would have to do was lift my face up, and I could kiss him. What would it be like to be kissed by someone who wasn
’t just trying to see if the rumors were true? Maybe I’d like it this time.

I skittered a couple steps back. Not a good idea. Impulse was one thing, flat-out insanity was another. He didn
’t think about me like that, or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. And I absolutely could not lose him yet, which is what would happen. His parents’ tolerance of our friendship was tenuous already. He was the only person I trusted, the only person I could be myself around without hiding everything. Almost everything.

His face shuttered, and I prayed he didn
’t figure out where my mind had gone for that brief second. But then a sweet, quiet smile returned to his lips.

“
How hard was that?” He raised a single brow. “You asked a question, and I, being a gentleman, answered the question.”

I arched an eyebrow of my own. Two could play this game.

He continued. “It’s called communication. We should try it sometime.”

“
And you have the audacity to call me a brat?” I joked, relieved by the rebound to the familiar safe ground of our relationship.

“
You’re a brat, but you’re my brat,” he said. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home and protect you from any more rogue flying elbows.”

Friday

He clenched his jaw several times before speaking
, visibly struggling to control his temper. “You’re not fine. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

I stuck my keys into my pocket of my shorts, and then put my hand
s behind my back, keeping the dandelion tattoo out of sight. I didn’t blame him for being angry with me. Why did he have to come back here now? He could be pissed off at me from across the country, where it was safer.

But his
gaze was trained on Trevor. Ash started to move past me, when sounds echoed down the alley. Over my shoulder, I watched Devon and a group of people pour out from the upstairs door. Damn it. I didn’t want anyone to see me with Ash. I moved farther away from Ash, almost to the wall of the bakery. We were just friends talking at a comfortable distance. Nothing more than that now.

“
Dude, what happened to your face?” a guy asked Trevor. “You’re messed up.”

I lifted my chin when
Trevor looked my way.
Go on, tell them what your favorite little freak just did
, I silently urged.

He
shook his head with a fake laugh and wiped the blood off his face with his shirt. Devon helped Trevor to his feet, his blond hair tarnished under the artificial glow of the street lamps. He grabbed her ass and she squealed in delight. Were they together? They both went to the same college. Please tell me they’re not together. Oh, crap. Judging by the face-sucking kiss Trevor gave her, they were together. That was going to make things awkward.
Oh, hey. Did you know your creeper boyfriend made a grab for me? But it’s cool, I stabbed him with my illegal keychain and knocked him on his ass. Want to go get some coffee?

Ash watched me with guarded eyes. A light over a doorway flickered, throwing harsh shadows across his face. I took another step away. The anger on his face transformed into something else, his mouth compressing into a determined line. He continued to glance over at the small crowd. I followed the direction of his gaze. Down the alley, Devon grinned and waved at us.

“You found him!” she shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. “There’s Ash!”

She made it sound like I was the one looking for him, not the other way around. Thanks. I waved back weakly.

Then, Ash strode over and pressed me up against the wall. Trapped by his unyielding body, I squeaked out a gasp and clutched at his broad shoulders. My hair snagged on the bricks but a thrill of expectation flew up my spine. He bent his head down and roughly kissed me. His tongue darted between my lips, the stubble on his chin abrading my skin.

All thoughts of pushing him away fled as heat pooled low in my pelvis. He always could turn me on with one simple kiss. I raised myself up on my toes and kissed him back
, drowning in the remembered taste of him. He wrapped a hand around the nape of my neck, his fingers tangling in my hair.

Devon whooped from down the alley, and the group around her laughed, the
sound of it bouncing off the sides of the buildings. Ash pulled away suddenly. Breathlessly, I stared up at him and wondered what the hell I was doing. I’d been so resolved to keep my distance. Keeping my distance meant maintaining safe boundaries. No touching, and definitely no kissing. Even if he kissed me first.

“
Have fun, you crazy kids!” Devon yelled, shocking me out of my madness. The group moved down the other end of the alley, their voices fading along with their footsteps.

A ribbon of anger surged to life. He just had to put on a show for her and all the others watching. Last year we
’d been careful to hide our relationship. Now that it no longer existed, he wanted to flaunt it. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“
And you shouldn’t have lied to my face.” He scowled, his face thunderous. “If we’re keeping score.”

“
I didn’t lie. Trevor didn’t get a chance to touch me.” I touched my swollen lips. “I’d already taken care of it by the time you showed up.”

“
I wasn’t talking about Trevor.” He braced a hand next to my head on the wall.

A breeze rose up and my hair fluttered into my face, covering my eyes. I brushed the strands away while Ash reached toward me to do the very same thing. He quickly lowered his arm to his side. My whole body pulsed in disappointment, and it struck me how this was a split-second snapshot of our story.

I attempted to walk away, but he braced his other hand on the wall, caging me within his arms. I forced myself to look him in the eye. Really look at him, and let him look at me. I owed him that much. His gaze stayed on my eyes, daring me to hold the connection.

To my surprise, h
e’d changed. Ash had always been handsome, but his face had taken on an edge, losing some of the softness of youth. Only his eyes were the same, starbursts of green and gold fringed with black lashes. But the shape of his jaw was stronger, his cheekbones sharper.

I bit
the inside of my cheek. His nose wasn’t blade-straight anymore. There was a slight tilt and bump, as if it had been broken. And there was a small pink scar over one of his eyebrows. Possessiveness overtook my thoughts. I wanted to know what had happened, who hurt him and where I could find them so I could tear them apart myself. I gave myself a mental shake. He wasn’t mine to be possessive about. Or maybe I meant obsessive.

“
We need to talk,” he demanded. “You made me think you left for Michigan when you took off.”

“
You know how I am.” I tilted my head to hide the fact that I was still lying to his face. “I just decided at the last minute, and didn’t think.”

“
Bullshit.” He leaned close to my face. The cool night air around us thickened as his breath tickled my cheek. “Changed your phone number and deleted all your email accounts at the last minute, too?”

Regret gnawed relentlessly through to my heart. I couldn
’t do this with him tonight. Or ever. I ducked under his arm and started walking toward my truck.

He stuck close to my side as I walked.

“Is that all you have to say?” he asked in a carefully controlled tone.

“
Yep.” I yawned. The remaining adrenaline from my encounter with Trevor was draining away, and the events of the day crashed down upon me. Fatigue set into my limbs with every step.

My foot caught on a loose rock, and I stumbled into Ash—again. He caught me around the waist. All my good intentions to avoid touching him, and here I was, failing miserably in the attempt.

He murmured, “I’ve got you.”

If only that were true. Now my brain was betraying me.
Focus
, I told myself sternly. Tonight, just go home and go to bed. Find a way to save the house on Monday, confront my father about his own lies in a week, and finally go to college in the fall. Maybe create world peace and write a bestselling novel, if I have the time. But don’t think about how Ash’s touch was thawing all the ice I’d put around my heart and soul. Don’t think about how his scent twined around all my memories. Don’t think about him at all.

Easier said than done. His arm didn
’t leave my waist, even though I was walking fine on my own. I sidestepped away from him as I covered the last few feet to my truck, and took my keys out of my pocket. He didn’t reach for me a second time.

He nodded
to my truck. “I can’t believe you’re still driving that thing.”

Hey, now. Covered in dings, dents, and rust, the old blue pickup truck was my baby. I loved the rust bucket. Who needed power steering and working air conditioning when you can go to the Grand Canyon and back?

“Don’t start talking about her like that, or she’ll start crying tears of antifreeze.” The jingling of the keys in my hand betrayed my nerves. “This has been fun and all, but I have to go. We should catch up later. It’ll be like old times…”

Ash
’s face darkened. I couldn’t believe I’d used that particular phrase. Why was I being so deliberately cruel? Probably to remind myself, more than anything. I had lost whatever self-control I ever possessed around him, and needed to get away before I made this any more uncomfortable.

“
I don’t want the old times back.” He raked his hand through his shaggy hair. He’d grown it out. “I want something entirely different.”

I yanked open the door of my truck.
“We don’t always get what we want, do we?”

Before I could climb in, he stepped behind me. Almost close enough for me to lean back and tuck my head under his chin, let his arms envelop me. My heart sped up, the fine hairs at my neck quivered at his nearness, and everything inside of me screamed to fall back into him. Instead, I stood there, frozen like a statue, until he snatched the keys out of my hand. He jumped away, dangling the keys in the air as I whirled around.

“What the hell, Ash!” I lunged toward him. “Give those back right now.”

“
No,” he replied smoothly. “You’re white as a ghost, and can barely walk in a straight line. I’m driving. Get in, brat.”

It was the stupid little term of endearment that stopped all my protests. I missed him, more than he
’d ever know. Giving up a little autonomy seemed like a fair trade to spend a few more moments with him. It was just a ride home. Ash was simply being a good friend in making sure I arrived safe and sound.

Too worn out to challenge my own lame rationalizations, I climbed in and scooted across the bench seat. The rips in the vinyl scratched at the backs of my bare thighs. He followed me and settled in behind the wheel. Raucous music blared from the stereo when he started the engine. With a flick of my hand, I turned it down.

“Really?” he asked, raising a perfectly sardonic brow.

I shrugged.
“Music only exists to be turned up loud.”

He pushed the eject button and held up the CD.
“Five Finger Death Punch? When did you start listening to heavy metal?”

“
I liked the name. It sounded vicious and violent.”

He smirked, but it didn
’t reach his eyes. “You don’t have a vicious or violent bone in your body.”

No, just deceitful ones. I hid behind my own smirk.
“You should ask Trevor what he thinks about that.”

Another yawn broke through. I sat up and stretched, inadvertently pushing my breasts forward. I caught a flash of desire on his face. My cheeks warmed with a guilty blush, but it didn
’t stop me from extending my legs and propping them up on the dashboard. His gaze ran down their tanned length. This was how it had started before, an elaborate game of watching and waiting for the right moment. I looked away to the open passenger window, ashamed of playing a game I shouldn’t have begun in the first place.

Then again, turnabout was fair play. He started it with that kiss. I stole glances as he drove, fascinated by the way his muscles flexed through his thin t-shirt as he turned the wheel. The way his bicep strained as he shifted gears, especially when he forgot that first gear had burned out long ago, and he had to wrench hard on the gearshift. It was hard to tell in the dim light of the cab, but his body seemed more defined than when I last saw him. It had certainly felt more defined
during our brief embraces. My fingers tingled, wanting to explore. Bad fingers. Don’t go there. That’s how we got in trouble last time.

“
What happened to your iPod?” he suddenly said, interrupting my stealth ogling.

“
I gave it to a homeless man.” Had he noticed me checking him out, and that’s why he asked a random question?

He shot me a look of surprise. Right. The iPod he gave me for my eighteenth birthday, fully loaded with my favorite music. And I just announced I got rid of it like an unwanted cat.

My ears burned as I rushed to explain. “He was trying to steal it out of my bag, so I just gave it to him, and some food. He probably needed the money he could get for it more than I did.”

He stared at me while we were stopped at the light.
“You caught a guy stealing your stuff, and didn’t call the cops? Instead, you gave him food?”

When he said it like that, it did sound more than a little naive. I squirmed in my seat.
“You had to be there. It made sense at the time.”

His full lips curled into a sneer.
“Famous last words.”

I had actually been heartbroken over the iPod, but the guy had been twice my size and tweaked out, making him dangerous in his desperation. Giving it up in return for my physical safety had won out. And I could tell he was starving. I had to give him the food. No one deserved to go hungry when they didn
’t have to.

I closed my eyes and rested my head again
st the side of the cab, letting the wind wash over my face. A tense silence cloaked the rest of the ride home. I didn’t open my eyes until he pulled into my driveway.

He hopped out of my truck and walked to my front door.
That wasn’t part of our unspoken plan. I scrambled after him and caught up on the front steps. I’d expected him to hand over the keys, say goodnight, and simply walk off. End of our tragic story.