Seeing Julia (29 page)
Authors: Katherine Owen
Tags: #Contemporary, #General Fiction, #Love, #Betrayal, #Grief, #loss, #Best Friends, #Passion, #starting over, #Women's Fiction, #Contemporary Fiction, #Malibu, #past love, #love endures, #connections, #ties, #Manhattan, #epic love story
A tear rolls down her cheek. I watch her performance with sickening fascination and wonder where the tears come from. She feigns a heartbroken half-smile for all three of us and makes her way to Jake’s car. She opens the door, looks back, and wipes at her face.
“Jake? Can we
please
go?”
With naiveté, I look over at Jake for acceptance, absolution, unity, all three, but he’s despondent. His world’s just fallen apart. “She lost the baby,” he says more to himself.
I’m careful with my answer. “She indicated she wasn’t pregnant. She drank two glasses of white wine. I don’t know. She told me a lot of things … .” My voice trails off, I realize he can’t even hear me; he’s too devastated. My newest heartbreak is pulling at me and I begin to struggle with all these revelations and his response to her.
“I have some things to take care of,” Jake says. “She needs me.”
Perhaps, he’s not a lost planet anymore, but he’s still within her orbit, not free of her, cruising along a collision path towards her. I’ve given him a lifeline, but he has to see it, to reach for it. He glances out at his car, where she waits, and then looks back at me. His allegiance to her, even now, cuts across my soul.
“Then go.” All the pain she inflicted upon me in the last half hour begins to surface in this instantaneous fury. “Go to her. Choose her. She’s all you see.”
“Julia, you don’t understand. She needs me.”
I see his torment, but I can’t believe he doesn’t feel mine.
“Then, go.” Drowning seems most certain as I watch him leave.
≈ ≈
My mother personified two great women: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Princess Grace Kelly. Diana Hawthorne dressed impeccably, exemplified manners in all matters, civil or otherwise, and personified a way of life that embraced the arts and the art of fine living. She spoke and wrote eloquently about ordinary things and found the good in everything and every person. It’s what I loved best about my mother and on this day, in this hour of evening, at this suspended moment, at twenty-seven years of age, I realize I have two choices. I can cry out and behave just as badly as the woman who just left with Jake Winston or I can emulate my mother or Jackie Kennedy or Grace Kelly.
The answer comes to me in a single defining moment, in knowing that any one of these three beautiful women would have taken the high road upon hearing the story Savannah Bennett has just told. At their very worst moments, these women were at their very best. Ethereal, calm, poised. So, this is me, too.
“Julia, are you all right?” Brad asks.
I turn toward him.
Smile.
“I think so.”
“That was quite the revelation about her losing the baby. It’s strange, she hadn’t told Jake.”
Brad’s looking at me and I struggle to stay poised and in control.
“She sat there and guzzled half a bottle of wine, while you two were walking the beach,” I say. “There’s no baby. I don’t think there ever was. A girl like her.” I grimace. “She’s not interested in being a mother any time soon and that’s what she told me.”
My breath becomes unsteady. Shock renders my body almost useless. I move slower now, clutch at the kitchen doorway for balance and then make my way over to the counter and lean against it for support.
I reach for normalcy and attempt to stave off the heartbreak over Evan’s infidelity and Jake’s apparent allegiance to Savannah and her continual vicious lies from overtaking me. The pain just keeps mounting. I’m not sure I can outrun this despair.
All the while, Brad’s just watching me.
“I’m asking,
as a friend
, if you’re okay.”
He studies my face intently. His sincerity for my well being almost causes me to break down.
“I’m telling you, as a
friend
, I’m fine.”
A little smile.
“Why don’t I believe you?” Brad asks.
His scrutiny of me is interrupted by the arrival of the rest of my inner circle, especially Kimberley.
“Where’s Jake and Savannah?” Kimberley bounds into the room like a welcoming breeze on a hot day, reaches for Brad, and kisses him as if she’s been gone for a week. I start to laugh when I see this, but then, have trouble stopping. I busy myself with drinking a glass of water.
Swallow, slow swallows.
I take advantage of Kimberley’s open seduction of Brad in my kitchen and try to regain my composure, though it’s getting more difficult as desolation begins its inevitable journey through all of me.
Christian and Stephanie come through the door carrying all the groceries. They give Kimberley a bad time for not helping bring things in from the car. “Where’s Jake and Savannah?” Stephanie asks.
God will you people stop asking me all these questions.
“They had to go.”
Smile over at Brad.
“How was the beach walk on this perfect day?”
Be buoyant, gracious, poised.
“It was great. Jake is … he’s a great guy. I like him.” Brad bestows me with one of his I-know-your-story-Julia-don’t-try-to-hide-it-from-me looks. “I just want to know,
as a friend
, if you’re okay.”
Kimberley’s looking from Brad to me. “What’s going on?”
“I am. Fine.”
And smile.
“But, I’ve been thinking, you guys should take off. You don’t need to babysit me all weekend. I’m fine.”
“Brad has a house in East Hampton,” Kimberley says with a hopeful smile. “He was going to show it to me. Do you mind?”
I watch as he grabs her hand and kisses it. “Go. I have to get Reid into the bath, ready for bed. So, no, I don’t mind. Go.”
Stephanie and Christian decide to go head and leave for Jake’s place where they’re staying for the weekend. We all exchange hugs and kisses.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Only if you’re sure,” Kimberley says.
“I’m positively sure.” I hug Kimberley and then, Bradley. “Thanks for coming. How did you know the Teddy Ruxspin Bear would be the big hit, Dr. Stevenson?”
Gracious, smile.
“Kid toys are my specialty. Are you sure you don’t mind us leaving?” Brad asks.
“I don’t mind. I’m fine.” I turn away from his inquisitive look. “Kimmy, can you help me? Between the two of us we can manage to get these gifts upstairs.”
I’m logical, calm, poised.
“Sure. Jules, are you sure you’re okay?” Kimberley gives me the once-over what’s-wrong-with-you stare.
So not okay, but look at me smile and nod and convince my little magical friend how really okay I can be.
“I’m fine.”
I smile again as I follow her up the stairs. “Really, I’m fine. Absolutely.”
Kimberley whirls around at this and scrutinizes me.
Help me, Kimmy.
I falter.
There’s a bleak moment, just a moment, then, I’m poised, in control, and smiling.
“I’m fine.”
I’m my mother this night. So call me Diana or call me Jackie or call me Grace. I’m poised and ethereal as I wave goodbye to the last of my inner circle.
My island is gone.
There’s no shore in sight. These insurmountable waves of desolation overcome me.
Drowning is most certain.
≈
≈*
It’s important to have a plan
P
ublic relations also known as PR is all about maintaining a public image. Whether it is an organization for profit or non-profit, a business or celebrity, the goal is the same: look good in the eye of the public. And, every good public relations firm has a plan in place, several, in fact, because plans are the essence of the trade. In PR, being prepared for anything means starting with a plan.
There’s the strategic plan where strategies are determined by how a company or individual defines itself. How they want to be viewed or seen. For example,
Liaison
devises a strategy based around ABC Company’s point of view about the environment. The company’s message is: we respect the environment, but we also respect people’s right to drink bottled water, if they so choose. And, guess what? ABC Company happens to sell bottled water and they don’t consider their stance on the environment to be in conflict because the company does not believe their water bottles impact the environment, if recycling is utilized. The public perceives ABC Company as a supporter of the environment because they support recycling efforts, yet, the company sells bottled water which can impact the environment, but their reputation is perceived as environmentally conscious because they’ve said they are and this is the message the public perceives. A strategic plan; it’s a beautiful thing in the PR business. Get it?
Now, every good PR firm also has a crisis management plan. For example, let’s say ABC Company’s CEO has an extramarital affair and it makes all the papers because he’s dating an environmentalist leading a protest against his company about bottling their water in plastic. Oh, this is a good one. So the PR firm determines the client’s messaging in response to this unsavory story hitting the papers.
A spokesperson for ABC Company might say: We support our employees and ensure they get help with their personal problems, when necessary. We consider this salacious story to be without merit and possibly untrue and we do our best to support all our employees in coping with these types of unfortunate challenges that may arise in their personal lives. ABC Company feels this is a personal matter between Executive X and his wife, a personal and private matter, and has nothing to do with ABC Company. We believe in our employees, here at ABC Company, and encourage them to follow process and fully support them, ensuring they get appropriate help when needed so they are productive employees. Just like we believe in recycling and believe bottled water is not a detriment to the environment. We want our customers to feel empowered and safe in drinking ABC Company’s pristine water. That’s our goal: satisfied customers and great employees. Crisis averted.
So, all I need is a plan. Two plans. One for Hamilton Equities both short and long-term strategies and another plan to mitigate the crisis taking place inside of me. A plan. I start with the easy one first and draft an email to send off to Kimberley’s personal email account, when I’m ready.
≈ ≈
D R A F T - Private Confidential Message
To: Ms. Kimberley Powers
From: Julia Hamilton
Dearest Most Magical One – Kimmy,
As you read this note, I want you to keep in mind how much I love you and I know I’m putting a ton of shit on your shoulders to do in my absence. Please help out Steph too, because Reid is with her and Christian at my house in Amagansett and I’m not sure how long I’m going to be gone; and I wasn’t exactly forthcoming about it with Steph. I just don’t know how long this is going to take. A week? Maybe more. Tell Dr. Hallmark Card not to worry. And don’t you, either. I’m going to be fine.
So for this crisis management plan, my number one goal is to ensure Reid’s future. For the short term, because I just need to take this break, I want to move forward with the tactics we talked about yesterday. Do a press release announcing Jake Winston as acting CEO. Pull his file; (I guess we’ve never done that) just to ensure there are no surprises and beg him to do this for us. It’s not going to be long term. Just six weeks would really help us out. If everything checks out, do the release and get it out there ASAP to settle down the clients and the media. As you always say, keep those doors shut and locked, but do have an open sign on the door.
Also, go ahead and send out a release that clearly states I’ve returned to Manhattan to Hamilton Equities (fine, use the title chairman of the board, COB) to mitigate the media coverage about my previous absence and play up what we’ve done with
Liaison
in Paris. Also, tie in Christian’s role in working with Hamilton Equities over the past six months. Now, I know you’re getting pissed off at this point reading this because I’m straying into to your strategic area of expertise, but I learned a few things while in Paris, so give me a break.
Please talk to David about a
Liaison
sponsorship of Hamilton Equities executive search program. But, let’s talk about this one if Jake is willing to be acting CEO for a couple of months that may be all we need. We’ll talk soon.
Kimberley Your Eyes only-Crisis management: pull all HR files and take them to Amagansett. Pull all the client lists. Freeze accounts on particular investors. Look for ties and /or connections to company employees. Pull files on everyone, including me and you. Just do it; you’ll understand why soon enough. We’ll have a verbal conversation in the next couple of days and I’ll explain why I’m doing this. We can tell Christian and Jake more at the appropriate time. But, Kimmy, you and I will determine the time frame. (You can include Brad because he knows my double downs as much as you do.)
Please start the
Liaison
team on research into the following objectives. (If you need to hire people; do it.) I want to establish foundations or donate to the following entities: Reid Hamilton trust fund (Jake should be able to do this or his partner); families of soldiers killed or wounded in Afghanistan; childhood counseling after family tragedy. (Can you talk to Brad about this one?) I want to establish an annual literary scholarship for Yale University in the names of Robert and Diana Hawthorne for aspiring writers. (Steph can probably look at this one for us.) Money isn’t an object; we just need to make it all happen.
I need a complete list of all assets tied to Evan’s estate. Can you please work with Jake on it, so when I get back, we can discuss this first? It’s important to determine funding dollars for planning everything else.
You can trust Maggie Talbon to help us with anything that looks suspicious. She can pull files and get stuff to you. I hope you know what I’m talking about here.
It’s down to you, Steph, Christian, and Brad for this inner circle. And, soon, you’ll understand why I’m saying this. For now, let’s keep her close by. Know thy enemy and all that shit.
Okay, I’m tired and I’m swearing and soon you’ll understand why. I love all of you so much. You ARE the BEST family a girl could ever have. It’s your brand of magic that keeps me going, especially now.
Love,
Julia
≈ ≈
Then, I start developing my own personal plan, a crisis management plan. I have a lot to do and many handwritten notes to write. I just keep telling myself, I just need some time. Some time alone to think things through and that’s the main message in most of my notes to everyone I care about: Kimberley and Brad; Steph and Christian. That’s my inner circle now, the only ones left I can trust and believe.
Julia’s personal plan. Day one: sleep in Malibu. Day two: sleep in Malibu. Day three: call Kimberley and discuss ramifications of memo sent earlier. Day four: call Steph and check in on Reid. Day Five: return to NYC to get things rolling.
Optional Second week – Have Reid join me in L.A.? Continue to decompress. Just think things through and then return home at end of second week.
A plan with options is always good. A plan with contingencies is also important. The important thing is to have a plan and try to stick to the plan and be open to modifications, as warranted.
≈ ≈
After a few hours of sleep, I awaken and watch Reid as he sleeps. With the lightest touch I feel his fingers. I play with his hair, fingering the swirl at the crown of his head. I kiss my index finger and trace his forehead down to the bridge of his nose. He stirs awake for a moment and looks at me with adoration and the tears come and I let them fall as he closes his eyes, sighs, and drifts off to sleep. “I love you, baby. Mommy loves you wherever I am.”
Reid is so incredible, the best part of me, and I really hope whatever’s going to happen to me I’ll be able to come back and be his mother again. That’s my first wish: for Reid to be all right without me and never know I’ve been gone. I’ve been absent for the past five months living this automaton life without…
Don’t think his name.
What’s a few days or a week or a little more?
Why didn’t you love me?
≈ ≈
At eight in the morning, Kimberley calls.
“It’s Sunday,” I say. “What are you doing up so early?” I’ve been up for three hours already.
“Calling you. You let me go without telling me the big news; Savannah isn’t pregnant.” She’s indignant.
“Oh, did I?” I’m nonchalant and so very tired.
“What’s wrong? Brad’s worried about you and now so am I.” She sighs.
Oh Kimmy.
“Look, I know things were beyond surreal with Jake and Savannah yesterday. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m really fine. I’m tired. Savannah’s…quite the piece of work.”
“That is the understatement of the year.” Kimberley laughs and I get myself to laugh, too.
“I’m putting together some action items for the strategies about the CEO search,” I say.
“Great, I can drop by and we can talk more. I’m only ten minutes away.”
“No. You spend the day with Brad. Take the day off, Kimmy. I have to get some things done and I’m going to ask Stephanie to come here and watch Reid. So have a great day with Brad doing whatever it is you do when you’re not doing what you really want to do.”
“As if my celibacy status isn’t hard enough to keep, you have to bring it up” she says.
“Pull your email later. Your personal account, not the company one,” I say.
“Okay. Now, you’re acting very mysterious, but you’re okay; right?”
“I’m fine. Will you stop?”
Laugh.
“Stopping.”
Call ended flashes on my phone.
Oh Kimmy.
≈ ≈
Stephanie arrives around ten after my casual phone call asking her to swing by, while I’ve been racing around town and packing my suitcase including Evan’s laptop, the plans, and my passport, everything I could think of. I’ve placed the notes for everyone in manila folders and marked them all and put them in the office. I’ve been to the store and fed Reid his breakfast. I’m exhausted by mid-morning, but try not to show it, while Stephanie is casually drinking her coffee and looking at me with keen interest, most likely having by tipped off by Kimberley. I imagine her saying to Steph: Check on Julia; why don’t you? I take a deep breath.
Smile
.
“I need a huge favor.”
Calm, poised, in control
. “It’s big. If you don’t want to do it; I’ll understand, but I don’t … trust anyone else with him.”
“Julia, what’s wrong? Is this about watching Reid? Because I’ll do it. I’d love to,” Steph says. “Lianne’s still in Manhattan; right?” I nod.
“It’s about watching Reid.” I hold my breath so thankful she didn’t ask me for how long. “I’ve got some things to do in the city for a few days. You and Christian can stay here or at Jake’s; either way … it would be great and watch him … for me.”
Breathe
. “And after that—”
“You’ll be back,” Stephanie says. “Great. We’ll take good care of him, I promise. I think we’ll probably stay here; Savannah is stressing out even my easygoing Frenchman.” We both laugh.
I smile.
And walk away and don’t cry.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“No hurry. Take your time.” I hand her his schedule and we go over it together. She seems fine. I give her a big hug and kiss Reid one last time and try not to think about the significance of this goodbye with my son or with Steph.
≈ ≈
On the flight to L.A., I call Kimberley.
“I need you to go to my place in Amagansett. There’s a list of everything I need you to do. I’ve sent an email to your personal account and there are envelopes there for everyone: you, Christian, Stephanie, and even Brad.”
“Where the hell are you? Steph just called and said you left Reid with her this morning and you were going to the city for a couple of days to do some things. What
things
?”
“Kimmy I’m not coming back for awhile.”
“God damn it, Jules, you’re scaring me. Where are you? Tell me. I’ll be right there.”
“No. This is something I have to do on my own. I don’t want to drag anybody else down into it.”
“Drag anybody else down? What are you talking about? Julia, are you okay?” Panic begins to reverberate in her voice. The more agitated she becomes, the calmer I get.
“I’m not sure, but I’m going to find out soon enough. Just know I love you, Kimmy, more than anyone else, except for Reid.” I try to laugh. I can hear Kimberley talking to Brad in the background.
“Julia, it’s … Brad.”
I smile because we haven’t quite figured out our relationship, yet. He’s not my doctor and he’s with my best friend and he pretty much knows every double down secret that Kimberley does, except for this last one about Savannah and Evan. I’m not going to tell him or Kimberley about that one, until I know if it’s true or not.
“Tell me what’s going on,” he says gently.
Ignoring his request, I ask a question of my own. “You’ll take care of her; right? Because she is the real deal, the magic.”
“I know. I’ll take care of her. So are you, Julia. You’re the magic, too. Whatever’s going on with you, you can handle it. But if you didn’t want to handle it all by yourself, you could tell Kimmy or me. You know that; right?”
