Seeing Julia (32 page)

“I didn’t know her, but Jake does.”

“
Savannah
? It was Savannah Bennett?” Kimberley gasps. “Evan had an affair with
her
? Does Jake know?”

I shake my head side-to-side. “No. Savannah told me Evan gave her the job promotion at Hamilton Equities to have her close to him, in case they decided to start things up again. In case, it didn’t work out with me.” I frown. “Jake doesn’t know. And we’re not going to tell him, Kimmy. I don’t want to be in the position of delivering that kind of news; the double betrayal of your fiancée with your best friend. No, thank you. I’m done. I want out. That’s it.” I run my hand along the horizon in my now familiar Blackjack
stand down
move. “Done.”

“As a
friend
, I’m asking what you mean by being
done
,” Brad says.

“Well, Brad, as a
friend
, I’m telling you I want to liquidate his company, sell all his assets except for, perhaps, the fine house, here.” I wave my arm wide in the general direction of the glass structure a mile from us. “I’m moving on. I have a list of where I want the money to go. Reid is my priority.”

“And I am telling you as a
friend
, it’s an awesome idea.”

“Did he just say awesome, Kimmy? Wherever did you find him?”

Kimberley laughs. “Well, I had this best friend who needed a little help after her husband’s wake and he was there to talk her through it.”

Kimberley grabs Brad’s hand and they smile at one another. I have to turn away for a moment. Then, I glance back and almost smile. “Well, I’m just glad I was able to help the two of you out.”

“Jake’s here,” Kimberley says. “In L.A.”

“No. I don’t want to see him, Kimmy. I’m done with all of it. All connections to Evan.”

“Are you sure? He says he has something he wants to say.”

“Tell him he can write me a note. I’m moving on. Here. To L.A. I’m going to live on the beach with Reid and love my life on the west coast.”

“Are you sure? Because, remember, Brad has a house in East Hampton and we could finally be neighbors.”

“That would be grand; wouldn’t it?” I link my arms with both of them again and we keep walking. “I’ll think about it,” I say, after a few minutes.

“You do that.”

I squeeze her hand. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.
Really
.” She still looks unhappy. “I said I’d think about it.
Fine
. I’ll split my time between here and Amagansett. We can use this house for sunny family vacations.” I look over at both of them with a sly smile. “You will be having children, so Reid has someone to play with; won’t you?” Kimberley gets this frustrated look. “Please tell me you’re not still holding out on him?”

“We are discussing our future and hastily making plans because waiting is proving to be extremely challenging,” Kimberley says.

I look over at Brad and he’s just smiling, his generous-six-ways-to-Sunday-handsome-self smile. To be Kimberley and finally have someone who sees you.

≈
≈*

He calls my name. His southern drawl, so familiar now, reaches me even with the newest pain I carry. I slow down and attempt to concentrate on reaching Brad and Kimberley because just the sound of his voice begins to pull me in to his amazing sphere of existence.
Will I ever be free of him? Do I want to be?

“Julia,” he says from right behind me. He reaches for my hand and some kind of gravitational force turns me around to face him. “Are you okay? I wasn’t even sure it was you. You’re so thin.” I see him taking in my black jeans, black t-shirt, and black bomber jacket. Shock registers on his face at my gaunt appearance. I combed my hair; there’s that.

“It’s me.” I hang my head embarrassed at my appearance, undone at the sight of him; then glance back up at him with a rueful smile. “How are you, Jake?”

“I’m headed to New York again.” He looks uncertain. “What happened to you, Julia?”

He scans my face for some kind of answer. I wish I had one for him. “A lot of things. I’m still working through them.”

“I just wanted to see you, to talk to you, to know you were okay, but Brad and Kimberley said you didn’t want to see me.” He gets this pained expression and hesitates. “I had a lot of expectations of you. Things you couldn’t see and I don’t want to do that to you anymore.”

“It’s nothing you did, but I can’t be more than what I am, Jake. I’ve done enough of being what other people wanted me to be, especially with Evan. And, I won’t do it again. I am just me, after all.”

“I wish you’d tell me what happened, so I could understand.”

I sigh and look in Kimberley and Brad’s direction; they’re watching me closely.
When was I going to stop living with the secrets of my pain? When was I going to let go of them?

“Evan had … an affair. I came here to confirm it. That it was true. And, now, I’m working through it.”

“Evan had an affair? When?” He’s incredulous; it’s beyond his comprehension. It makes me feel slightly better. If his best friend didn’t see it; why would I have seen it?

“Before Reid was born, in March, over a year ago. He brought her…here.”

“Here?”

“To the place in Malibu.”

I look past him at Kimberley. She’s giving me the are-you-okay? look. I subtly nod. “Kimmy and I are staying in L.A. for a while longer. We have some things to work out with the company. I was wondering if you could help us out a little longer.”

“I don’t know; it’s complicated.” He looks uneasy, again. “I have to get to Austin. Figure some things out.”

I nod. “Of course. Okay, well if you change your mind, the job’s still yours.”
Smile.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for us, for Reid and me.”

“Where is Reid?”

“Steph and Christian have him. I thought you knew that?”

“No.” He looks at me closely as his sweet breath caresses my face. “I just came out when I got your call.”

“I called you? When?” My heart begins to race.
I
called him? When? Oh God.

“Four days ago. You said you were lost in Marina del Rey and trying to find your way back to Malibu.” He looks confused. “We talked for a long time, Julia. Several times. Don’t you remember?”

“I wasn’t myself.” I look down and discover we’re still holding hands. He grips my hand tighter and pulls me closer to him. “What did we talk about?”

“You talked a lot about sunsets and water. You called me Bobby quite a bit. I guess you weren’t yourself.” He looks disappointed. “You were so
open
about everything.”

“What did I say exactly?”

“I’ll send it to you in a note sometime.” His eyes glint with anger. “That’s what Kimberley told me you said to do.”

“I’m sorry that you came all this way for nothing. I have some things to work out.” I look away. “I thought he loved me; and now, I don’t know.”

“I think he did.”

I pull out of his grasp and wave my hand through the air in agitation. “He left me and took her to Malibu for two weeks, when I was eight months pregnant. Who does that? Who knows how long it went on? He paid her stocks, money, promoted her.” I stop. I shouldn’t being saying any of this to him. I start again. “It’s not easy when trust is broken like that. I thought the grief was bad.” I wince, trying to control the pain that resurges. He grabs my hand again. “I keep wondering what I did, what I didn’t do. Was it me? Was it her?” I shake my head side-to-side and then look at him with defiance. “Now, I’m trying to look forward instead of back. I don’t want any ties to the past, to
him
.”

“To me,” he says. Now, Jake looks distraught. His lips part as if he has more to say.

“I’m sorry. I hope you understand.”

“No, I don’t understand, but just know you can always call me and I’ll come find you.” He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses the inside of my wrist. “We’re not even in a hallway. Look at the progress we’ve made, Julia.”

He gets in the security line and I watch him as he advances to the front. When he’s through, he turns and waves at me one last time. It takes all the strength of will I have left to let him go.

≈ ≈

Kimberley drives at a high rate of speed, while I languish next to her in the passenger seat of this silver Porsche 911 with my hand trailing out the open window; the wind pushes against it and I force it to stay there. Gravitational force, this wind, the only one I currently follow.

It’s another great day in L.A. sunny, no clouds, and a little breeze.
What’s not to love about this Hollywood scene?
It’s surreal, filled with beautiful people and perfect weather.
Why leave?

“The new Julia is supposed to share with her best friend Kimberley what was going on back there with the most stunning man, hands down, we’ve ever known, except for Bradley.” She grins over at me. “The new Julia is supposed to be open with her feelings and share them with me, her old best friend Kimberley Powers.
Old
, in the sense we’ve known each other a long time, not in the sense that we’re closer to thirty instead of twenty and that some,
not
us
, would consider that old.
Sophisticated
is the word I’m going for here.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Damn it. That’s what you always say. Come on. We’re on a new page of life. We’ve left the old one behind. Remember? Out with it, friend, how do you
feel
?”

“You know what your problem is,” I say with growing irritation. I turn towards her as she speeds along in this fantastic sports car I can only see as another token from Evan, an act of contrition that doesn’t make up for what he did, doesn’t excuse any of it, just another nice asset transferring away some of the pain from me, just by being
mine
. “You need to get laid, and you just put the only guy you want to do that with on an airplane, so please don’t make this about
me
.”

“True,” she says with a laugh. “But you just did the same thing.”

I’m about to argue this point, but I’ve dispensed with telling lies and have committed to sharing more about how I feel about things as part of my new plan—the new Julia’s-moving-on plan. I think of Jake kissing my wrist again and the sensuous feeling that comes with it and actually smile. “True,” I say.

I go back to watching my hand fight the gravitational force of the wind. The only one I currently follow.