Seeing Julia (40 page)

“So, do you think you can learn to trust me? Trust this?”

“I want to.”

He traces my eyelids, plays with my lashes, wipes away at the tears drying on my face. “That day at my place…” he says.

“The day you turned me down.”

“Trust me. It was hard to turn you down. I almost didn’t. Even when I did, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But it was the best thing for the moment. You weren’t ready.”

“And you were? Because, somewhere in there, Savannah came back into your life.” I don‘t attempt to hide my insecurities about her from him.

“I’d started over, Julia. I don’t deny that.” He gives me this pleading look. “And, even after Evan died, there were so many complications keeping us apart.” He hesitates for a moment. “I know I hurt you, turning you down when you needed me the most, but I had to do it, to ensure we had a future together, free of all the complications.”

He looks distressed. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“There’s something else. I need to tell you.”

I hold my breath and somehow know this will have something to do with Savannah. “What?” I finally ask, moving out of his arms and away from him.

“We didn’t give Savannah the money. Christian called, while you were in the shower. He managed to convey to her that blackmail and fraud are pretty serious crimes. She had no right to your money. She knew that, so we didn’t give it to her and we had her sign an agreement to that effect, so she won’t be bothering you or me, ever again.”

There’s this protracted silence between us again. I’m reeling from what he’s just said and struggle with the competing emotions of having just declared ourselves and reconciling all of that with what he’s just told me.

“I’ve been feeling bad about confronting her and feeling sorry for you,” I say slowly. “The whole bought and paid for speech had me going.”

I was upset with the
concept
.” Jake half-grins at me in that charming way of his. “I’m already yours, for free,” he drawls. “Let’s not lose sight of the end goal, here.”

“Which is?”

I stand with my hands on my hips, trying to ascertain how pissed I should be with him, but then he affects that damn hangdog expression and I cannot even conjure up a single thread of anger. I’ve got nothing.

And, he’s coming over to me and he swings me up off the ground and lowers me back down to his lips. His kiss is long and demanding, effectively extinguishing any semblance of anger I might have found.

“So, you’ve think we’ve waited long enough; is that it?” I ask, breathless when he lowers me down.

“I think we’ve waited long enough, yes. Please tell me you think so, too.”

I look at him for a long time, as if I have a choice in this matter, this thing with him. I’m caught in a fast moving current of profound emotions for him. They grow stronger by the minute, even when I should be mad at him. My body and soul have already determined how this is going to go and my mind quickly catches up.

“I think we’ve waited long enough.” I give him a provocative look. “But, I want to go home.”

“What do you mean? This is home; isn’t it?” He gets this hopeful look.

“No. I want to go to the place that feels like home as soon as I walk through the door.”

His lips curve slowly into a wide smile. “I know that place,” he says.

≈
≈*

Maybe, I’m not the Julia he’s fantasized about and supposedly loved all these years. I’m probably not. Let’s be realistic; I’m
not
that Julia. I don’t know who I am, most of the time.
Maybe, I should call Kimberley.

I catch my lower lip between my teeth as uncertainty takes all control. He flashes me one of his amazing smiles and I return it with a simple nod. I’m twenty feet away from him and the man is pulling at me in this weird, celestial way. I can feel the tether circling my heart. It tugs at me, guiding me to him, like science fiction’s tractor beam. The bond with him is real enough. It’s all the other bits and pieces, these insecurities, surfacing within me that I’m unprepared for.

He turns on the stereo, but keeps it at a reasonable volume. Some love song fills the room. I can’t even begin to follow the lyrics; I’m too fragmented. He’s busy opening champagne and generally setting the mood for seduction. I’m impressed at his orderly way of stoking the fire, lighting the candles, selecting the music, and pouring the champagne. Apparently, the man has a plan, but I find little solace in this.

Jake hands me a glass of champagne. I swig it down too fast and start coughing as the carbonated liquid hits my throat. He gets this curious look.

My hand trembles. Champagne splashes onto the floor. I race to the kitchen, return with paper towels, and begin swiping at the wood floor. He gets down on the floor with me, sets down the flutes of champagne next to us, and takes the paper towels from me, and starts cleaning up.

“Julia? Are you…okay?” Jake tosses the towels to one side, and stands up, pulling me along with him.

“Yes. Absolutely.” I sound like a terrified school girl doing it for the first time. I give him a rueful smile.

“Why don’t we take it slow? We’ll just watch a movie or something.”

He turns off the stereo and turns on a few more lights. His television comes to life. Five minutes later, we’re sitting on his leather sofa together and watching the Matthew McConaughey
movie I saw with Brian in L.A. A twist of fate comes to life right there on the screen.
How epic. How apropos.
I shrink further into the leather sofa, feeling worse, and absently sip champagne. I keep cajoling myself to at least try and focus on the movie, but all I’m fully aware of is
Jake
.

My mind wanders. Will I ever be able to sit next to him and achieve a normal heart rate or take a steady breath? Or, am I destined to experience this out of control pulsation and erratic breathing all the time? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything else, besides him? Will I spend years, not knowing the plots of movies or the lyrics to songs because all I can feel and see is him? And where does this certainty come from? That I’ll have
years
with him?

The fear creeps back in, the persistent stalker. What is this? Where is it going? Where are we going? Can I survive this much happiness? Here’s the other side of despair for me: this incalculable bliss. Both overpower me in the same exact way. One seems to stay forever; the other is so fleeting I can never fully trust it will last and let myself believe in it. I grimace, recognizing this astonishing truth about me. Can I let myself be this happy? Forever?

I stare at his fine profile. I’ve only allowed myself these glimpses of him all this time. I could reach out and touch him this very moment. He’s so close. He’s right here.

But will he always be?
This is what I’m most afraid of, allowing myself to love him and losing him.
Too.

I look away from him and back to the television screen. It’s gone dark.

“What happened to the movie?” I say in a low voice.

“I turned it off five minutes ago,” he says, turning toward me. “I thought you were hyperventilating or something. I thought I might have to save you with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”

“Oh.”

I’m embarrassed, undone by him. My breath gets even more jagged. I hold it for a moment, trying to maintain some sort of self-control in front of him, but he sees me doing this.

“I’m not going to pressure you, Julia. I want it to feel right.” He sighs, takes my hand and rubs the inside of my wrist back and forth with his thumb. “You know how you finally get what you want? You know what the gift is, you’ve finally gotten what you always wanted, but there’s this moment, when all you want to do is stop and just savor it, before you…unwrap it.” He shakes his head in that charming way of his. This enchanted look crosses his features. “That’s where we are.”

“Am I the
gift
in this scenario?”

He nods, runs his free hand through his hair and gets this rueful look. “I think we both are. To each other. A gift. Something like that.” His smile disappears. Now, he’s shy and affects his infamous hangdog expression. The ice cream must be melting in the freezer at this, just like I am. I can’t look away from him now. He has such an incredible hold on me.

He leans over and kisses me, then. It’s this tentative, exploring kind of kiss. His lips barely touch my face. His kiss feels like the finest paint brush gently caressing canvas with these light incredible memorable strokes. I close my eyes, taking pleasure in this exquisite contact with him. When I open them, he’s pulling back away from me. I override the uncertainty and outrun the fear; I grab his shoulders and bring him to me. I kiss him the same way he’s just kissed me. He responds to my loving touch. I discover his heart rate runs as fast as mine does and smile against his lips at this. Maybe, he’s scared, too. I kiss him more urgently now, pressing more of my body into his. The inevitability of all of this arrives like an ocean wave—beholden only to time and the inevitable shoreline. This is the two of us. After a few minutes, we pull apart. We both appear undone by this heady passion that hints at how all consuming it will be for us.

“I got you something in L.A.” I slip out of his arms and walk unsteadily back out to his foyer and return with his gift.

He reads the card first.

Jake,

Some things change; and you realize you really just need to find a tail that can make your kite fly to see where it takes you.

Love,

Julia

“Really?” He gets this excited look as he opens the box. “You got me a kite? I’ve always wanted to get one. Fly it on the beach here. It’s one of those things you never take the time to go shopping for and never do often enough.”

“Uh-huh. My dad was a kite man, quite the kite-flyer. He was the tail that gave my mom her direction and ability to fly. Yes.”

He gets this captivated look. “You just told me about your parents. And, how you feel about kites and somewhere in there was an analogy about your mom and your dad.” He stares at me with this look of wonder, rereads the note for a third time, and then holds up the kite.

“Oh.” I wave my hand through the air. “It’s part of the new Julia. I have to share more of myself and not shut people out so much. It’s part of the plan.” I give him a weak smile. My mind races because there are so many things I should say. “I helped your parents because I could. I helped you with this mysterious place in Telluride because you’ve helped me through everything and I owed you that; Evan owed you that, most of all. But I didn’t really want to take anybody out, not even
her
. I wanted you to be free of her,” I pause and try to smile. “For me. For you, but mostly me. The truth is you deserve so much more.” I stop while my mind spins with all these profound thoughts. “I just want to be a great mom, spend some time on a beach, fly a kite, maybe visit a Texas prairie to hear that wind, and have a life. With you.” I gasp. “Did I just say that out loud?”