Seeing Shadows (20 page)

"Who are you in love with?" Simon exhaled harshly. "Who is it?"

"He-uh...he doesn't go to this school. I mean, he's not a college student. He's older," I lied, my mind whirring as I tried to think up an imaginary love. I had thought Simon would have dropped it after I had told him I was in love with someone else, but now he was doggedly pursuing details. I wasn't the best liar, despite masking so much of myself to others. That was just omitting. This was actively lying. "I met him last summer in Philly."

"So why aren't you together?"

"Who says we're not together?"

"Grant. He said you weren't seeing anyone. He would know, wouldn't he? Your group is pretty tight. I can't imagine that you would have a boyfriend without him knowing."

I felt a little disjointed by the fact that Simon had been talking to Grant about my love life.

"We're waiting until I graduate. We decided it was too hard to have a long distance relationship." A part of me marveled at the lies dropping from my mouth. Maybe I wasn't such a terrible liar after all.

"So let me get this straight," Simon bit out. "You're in love with this guy. But he fucking lets you go because of
distance?
" He said this last part incredulously. "He lets you go so any asshole could come and snatch you away. But you're in love with him. He sounds like a fucking idiot."

My heart started pounding, not sure what to make of this side of Simon. Even though I felt apprehension at his harsh words and expression, I also felt myself getting aroused by his intensity. I must really be going crazy. But I had to admit that some girl would be lucky to call him her own. Simon would never let anything get in the way of someone he loved. My stomach clenched at the thought that it would be someone other than me.

"Simon, please," I said, placing my hand on his clenched fist resting on his lap. "Please don't make this awkward. I really do value you as a friend. Even though we've only known each other for a week, I've shared more with you about myself than anyone else besides Sarah. Please don't make it impossible for us to be friends." I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. It was true. Even though I couldn't have Simon romantically, I still wanted him as a friend. Maybe if the connection between us was casual, it wouldn't bring the visions rushing back at night. I was willing to chance it, even if I couldn't chance a romance. Especially since, if necessary, it would be easier to extricate myself from a friendship than a relationship.

Simon exhaled noisily but I felt a switch happen in him. His intensity faded and his expression softened. "Okay, Caitlin. We'll play it your way. We're friends." His expression hardened slightly. "Don't expect me to put myself out there again for you. You change your mind, you need to come to me.
If
I'm available."

My heart shattered a little at this, but I deserved it. I gave Simon a small half-smile. "Deal."

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. Janice finally came back with the beers and Grant started joking about whether Janice had been brewing the beer in the back since it had taken so long, to which Janice smacked him on the back of his head and the whole table laughed. Simon joined the conversation and I breathed in deeply, relieved to not have his attention focused on me. No one seemed to notice our conversation except for Sarah, who was looking at me with an arched brow.

Later
, I mouthed. I first had to get through tonight.

**********

Despite my fears, the rest of the night passed by without further incident, except the broken heart I was nursing. Fans were constantly coming up to the table to talk to the band, which was a welcome distraction. Simon spent the rest of the night treating me like a friend, paying me no more attention than anyone else. In fact, it seemed as if he paid less attention to me than anyone else. And when Samantha came up to the table, he gave her far more attention than I was happy with. But I was in no position to complain after the conversation that had transpired between us.

Encouraged by Simon's receptiveness, Samantha had boldly sat on his lap since there were no other seats available at the table. When Simon hadn't pushed her off, I had felt a little sick. It worsened when Samantha glanced over at me with a triumphant smile.

As I stared miserably at the table, I felt someone grab my hand and I looked up.

"Come on," Sarah said. "We're going to the bathroom."

I followed Sarah glumly but instead of pulling me in line for the bathroom, she led me to a dark corner that was hidden from our table.

"Spill," she demanded. "What the hell is going on? Why do you look like someone ran over your dog?"

"I don't have a dog," I said dejectedly, knowing it was an inane response. Sarah simply raised her eyebrows and waited.

I sighed, relenting. "Simon told me he was interested in me and I told him I wasn't. So we've decided to be friends."

"Caitlin," Sarah said impatiently. "Why are you doing this to yourself? This could be good for you. You've never had a real relationship since I've known you. I know you're afraid to let someone get close to you, but Simon is a great guy. Grant's told me a lot about him and he's someone you can trust."

Sarah seemed undeterred from championing Simon so I decided to tell her the truth, because I knew it was the only way she would understand why I was refusing him. A noisy bar seemed like the worst place to tell her, but everyone was so involved in drinking and having a good time, we might as well have been alone.

"They're back," I said, staring at the ground.

Sarah breathed in sharply. She knew instantly what I was talking about. "When?" she asked urgently. "When did they start again?"

"This past summer," I whispered."

"Why didn't you tell me before, Caitlin?" Sarah asked, sounding pained. "You've been suffering all this time and you didn't even tell me! Don't you trust me?"

I looked up at Sarah's anguished eyes. This is why I hadn't wanted to tell her. Because I knew she felt my pain deeply as if it were her own, and I wanted to save her from that. But now there was no going back.

"I didn't think I had to, Sarah," I rushed to explain. "And of course I trust you. It's just - I only had a couple this past summer, and only one since school started. I was hoping that I wouldn't have any more."

"And have you?"

"No, not since the one I had right after school started."

Sarah looked hopeful. "So maybe you won't have them again. We can have a great senior year. That's no reason to reject Simon."

I took a deep breath and released it slowly. "The vision that I had at the beginning of school...he was in it."

Sarah's jaw dropped as she stared at me. "Oh no," she whispered. She closed her eyes, breathed, and opened them again. "No wonder you acted so weird when you first met him." She shook her head. "I can't believe I didn't realize it. I just thought you were acting weird because you thought he was hot." She gave a small sad laugh.

I put my hand on Sarah's arm. "It's not your fault for not realizing it. I was trying to hide it. I should have told you. I'm sorry."

"
I'm
sorry," Sarah countered. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this shit." She paused. "How many visions have you had of him?"

"Just one. And I want to keep it that way. I can handle having him as a friend, but I'm afraid if we take it any further, I'll start having the dreams again. You know the more contact I have with a person, the more visions I have of them."

"But if you've only had that one vision before you met him, but you haven't had any after...doesn't that mean something?"

I shook my head. "It means I've been lucky. I just don't want to chance it. And how can I have a relationship with Simon when I've seen him die? It would hurt too much to have the vision again if we were dating."

"What happened in the-" Sarah started, but I shook my head.

"I can't, Sarah. I can't talk about it." I had shared some of my past visions with Sarah, but I couldn't share Simon's. I was afraid that if I said it out loud, I would have the vision again. Or worse, that it would come true. That fear was irrational since as far as I knew, none of the subjects in my visions had met the fate I had envisioned for them. But I didn't want to take any chances. Especially with Simon.

"Oh, Caitlin," Sarah sighed sadly, pulling me into a hug. I rested my head on her shoulder, comforted by the fact that I could be totally honest with her again. "We'll get through this together. I understand now why you've been pushing Simon away. It sucks, but I understand."

I pulled back, remembering my lie. "If Simon asks, I'm in love with some guy I met last summer in Philly."

"What!?" shrieked Sarah. "What are you talking about?"

I grimaced. "He wouldn't take no for an answer so I had to make up some guy that I was in love with. We're waiting until I graduate to be together."

"Caitlin," Sarah warned, shaking her head. "This could get messy."

"Sarah," I pleaded. "It was the only way I could get him to back off. Please. It's hard enough as it is."

"You know I'll always back you up," Sarah said, "Even if I don't agree with your methods." She sighed. "I'll go along with your story, for as long as you want me to."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks. I really appreciate it."

Sarah studied me. "Do you want to get out of here? I think the last thing you need is witnessing Samantha slut herself over Simon."

I laughed at Sarah's choice of words. "Absolutely. I think I hear a pint of Ben & Jerry's calling me."

"You got it."

We walked back to the table to see that Samantha was gone, but I still felt the need to flee.

"Hey guys," Sarah announced. "I've got a killer headache. Caitlin and I are going to head back."

Grant stood up from his chair. "That sucks. I'll walk you guys back."

Sarah shook her head. "No, it's okay. You stay here. It's just a short walk and it's not that late." Grant looked at Sarah in confusion. He wasn't used to her refusing his company. But Sarah placed my well-being above the attentions of Grant.

"Oh no," exclaimed Jenny in disappointment. "Maybe I should go too."

Sarah shook her head again. "I don't want to ruin your fun, Jenny. We'll call you tomorrow." She glanced at Marcus. "Just make sure she gets home okay."

Marcus smiled. "Always."

"Well," Jenny said reluctantly. "Okay." She looked over at Marcus and her expression cleared. It seemed as if she was enjoying the attentions of Marcus and didn't want the night to end.

"Bye guys," I said, not looking in Simon's direction. It would kill me to see his lack of interest at my departure. "Again, great show. See you later."

After we exchanged goodbyes, Sarah and I collected our coats from coat check and walked home, where we indulged in ice cream and watched reruns of terrible sitcoms. It was exactly what I needed.

Her chest heaved in pain as she struggled to draw in breaths of air as she ran as fast as she could down the path. The crunching of footsteps on the gravel as she was pursued relentlessly was like a primal drumbeat, filling my ears along with the gasps of her breath.

Run, I screamed inside my head. Run!!

She was going to make it. She had to make it. I willed her to make it, trying to give her my breaths through sheer power of will.