Seeing Shadows (29 page)

But none of this passed my lips. It was
because
I wanted to tell Simon everything that I had to steel myself against him. I didn't want to see pity in his beautiful blue eyes. Pity for a crazy girl. He would regret ever meeting me. I didn't think I could survive that.

More importantly, he was in one of my visions. I could never tell Simon that I had seen him drowning in a dream before I had even met him. And the visions were getting worse, becoming more and more real. I had just been lucky that I hadn't had a vision of Simon again. But it was only a matter of time. If I had one now, with how I felt about him, I would break. Another reason to keep him at a distance.

"Simon," I started slowly. I needed him to back off and I did it the only way I knew how. I cringed inwardly, not wanting to say the next words but forcing myself to. "I need to call Bob. He's the only one that can help me feel better. You should leave."

Simon reacted as if I had physically hit him, reeling back and dropping my hand. He paled and his eyes no longer were filled with concern. They were glinting with pain. His mouth twisted in distaste. "You told me before that you shared more with me than anyone else besides Sarah," he accused in a low voice. "Where does Bob fit in?" Simon almost spat when he said his name.

I cursed myself for telling Simon that before. I felt conflicted, needing to push him away but loathe to hurt him. I tried to do the least damage possible.

"Our relationship is...complicated," I explained. "Bob accepts me for who I am without questions. He doesn't ask and I don't feel the need to explain. We're okay with not taking it beyond that." Even I knew that the relationship between myself and the fictitious Bob sounded pathetic.

Simon grunted in disgust. "So he would just let you spin out of control, no questions asked? He sounds like a shithead."

I couldn't keep a handle on all these sides of Simon. One moment he was sweet and caring, then he was dry and funny, flirting with me. I had seen this angry side to him before and tonight I had witnessed his domineering side. I rubbed my forehead, suddenly feeling exhausted. There was no point to this conversation. The lies about Bob were getting ridiculous. I was fooling myself as well as Simon. I just needed to end this conversation now so that I could break down in private. I had no more fight left in me.

"Simon. I'm not spinning out of control. I have no obligation to explain myself to you. We're friends. Barely that. When you think about it, we've only known each other for two weeks. I do value you as a friend but you have to respect my boundaries. Privacy is important to me."

Simon was staring at me like he didn't recognize me. My heart lurched at the distant cold look in his eyes, but forced myself to face it, knowing that this was what I had asked for. What I needed.

"Barely friends," he sneered. "I'm glad I rate so high. What the hell was I thinking?"

He stood and grabbed his coat and flung open the front door. I stared at the floor, desperately trying to hold in my sobs of pain and regret until he left.

"I was wrong about you," Simon spat out. I looked up at him at his words. His eyes were glassy with a repressed emotion that I didn't understand. "You got your wish, babe. You want to be barely friends? We're barely friends."

Simon slammed the door behind me, leaving me more alone than I had ever felt. I heard his footsteps pound down the stairs and then I was left in silence. I let the pain overtake me, letting myself sink into my sorrow. I would build my walls back up later. Now I let the tears rush down my face, choking me until I felt I would shatter into a million pieces.

I feigned sleep a few hours later when I heard Sarah come home and quietly open my door. She was silent for a few seconds and then shut the door. I opened my eyes and sighed with relief. After Simon had left, I had cried until I felt raw and exposed. I couldn't talk to anybody right now. Even Sarah.

I was exhausted but I was afraid to sleep. Afraid of what was waiting for me. So I fought it until my eyes drifted closed, not even realizing that I had succumbed.

The girl whimpered as a shadow fell on her, the piece of wood held up high. Rivulets of blood were streaming down her face.

"Please!" she cried, holding her hands above her head, trying to shield herself. "Please! I don't understand! I don't understand what's happening!! Who are you?? How-"

The piece of wood came down again ruthlessly, the sound of impact reverberating in my ears.

"No!" I screamed. "Stop it!"

The girl groaned and crumpled onto the ground. She looked as if she was unconscious as I saw the piece of wood lift again.

"Stop!" I screamed desperately, grabbing the sides of my head with my hands, almost ripping out my hair. I willed my legs to move with all my might. I wanted to run to her, to help her, but my feet were rooted to the ground, not following my orders.

The girl's eyes suddenly opened and her head tilted up. Instead of looking groggy with pain, her eyes were clear and shot right through me. She looked straight at me. Saw me. Her grey eyes implored me.

"Help me," she choked out. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, the piece of wood hit her again brutally, knocking her back.

I heard frantic whimpers and realized they were coming from me. I desperately tried to wake up, to pull myself out of this.

I saw the piece of wood drop next to the body, but instead of hearing the footsteps of the attacker walking away, I heard a scrape that sounded familiar. I tried to place the sound and then saw a hand holding a lighted match above the body.

"Nooooo!" I screamed in horror as I watched the hand drop the match onto the body. The girl's clothes quickly caught on fire and soon she was enveloped in flames. I felt the heat of the fire burning my face. I could smell the acrid smell of smoke. And worst of all, I could smell the burning of flesh.

I moaned, rocking my body and holding my head between my hands but unable to shut my eyes. I felt something break inside of me as I saw the girl's body twitching in the fire. I didn't know whether she was still alive and being burned to death, or if her body was just reacting automatically to the fire, the reflexes kicking in. Either way, it was too much for me. I prayed to either wake up or die. It didn't matter which one. I would accept death to escape this.

I was so focused on the burning body that I hadn't realized that the attacker was still there, breathing heavily. Suddenly I saw the monster step into the frame, as if it was being cued onstage. Except it wasn't a monster that turned to look at me. It was the girl, except there was no blood on her. She looked perfectly fine except for the feral grin on her face and the inhuman look in her eyes.

My brain couldn't process this. I had just watched her die. Her body was still engulfed in flames before me. Yet here she was, standing there, staring at me. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Did this hold some kind of stupid symbolism that a dream interpreter would love to dissect?

Except this didn't feel like some exercise of the mind. This felt
real.

The girl smirked and crooked her finger at me in some horrible invitation. She was flipping crazy if she thought I was going to walk towards her, even if I had control of my limbs, which I didn't.

Her face grew enraged as she took a step forward towards me.

"Caitlin!" I felt someone shaking me urgently. "Caitlin! Wake up!"

Sarah's voice broke through the haze and I opened my eyes, feeling as though I had escaped near death. Sarah was leaning over me crying. She had stopped shaking me when I had opened my eyes but now she seemed to be the one shaking.

"Sarah," I said groggily, propping myself up on my elbows. I tried to clear my mind, wanting to reassure her that I was okay but still feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare.

"Sarah, I'm okay." She continued sobbing. My own fear evaporated as I took my first look at her. The lights were on in my room and she was pale and shaking, tears streaming down her face. I reached out to soothe her but she backed away, growing paler. I was confused by her actions, the faint glimmer of fear I saw in her eyes.

"Sarah?"

She shook her head as if to clear her mind and came closer, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"I've never heard you like this, Caitlin," Sarah said in a wavering voice. "You were screaming like you were being killed. It was worse than anything I've ever heard. You were sobbing and begging someone to stop. You were pulling at your hair like you were going to rip it out. I was so scared you were going to hurt yourself."

I reached up and felt the side of my head, feeling how sore my scalp felt where I had gripped my hair.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," I said, feeling terrible that I had put her through this. But that still didn't explain the fear. "Was there anything else?"

She hesitated and then spoke. "At one point, I thought I had been able to wake you up. Your eyes opened and you looked straight at me."

"Okay," I said slowly, not understanding why she was looking so nervous.

"But-but I don't think you were awake. But you spoke to me."

"What did I say?"

"You told me to get out. To leave you alone. Or I would regret it. You told me that you would hurt me." Sarah looked chagrined, as if it pained her to tell me this. "You called me some names."

"Oh, Sarah," I said, feeling a piercing pain at her words. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sarah. I couldn't bear ruining the only honest relationship I had. I didn't want her friendship to become another casualty of my craziness. "What did I call you?" I didn't want to know but I had to.

Sarah bit her lip and looked down, playing with a loose thread on my comforter. "You called me pathetic. That I didn't have enough courage to go after who I wanted. You said that I was a loser and would never amount to anything." She looked up at me, her eyes glassy with pain.

I stared at her, not wanting to understand her words. As far as I knew, I had never talked in my sleep. And even if I did, where did those ugly words come from? The words Sarah had said I had flung at her were the exact opposite of the emotions I felt towards her. I was grateful to have Sarah in my life. I was concerned about her feelings towards Grant but only because I worried about them being unrequited and that she would be hurt. The last thing I would criticize Sarah for was not having enough courage to go after who she wanted, considering my situation. Sarah had enough courage for the both of us. I had no courage at all, avoiding the pitfalls of life, like romantic relationships.

"Sarah, I'm so sorry," I said, not knowing how to apologize. Even though I hadn't been conscious of the words I had said in my sleep, I hated myself at this moment.

"You know I don't think those things about you. You're the bravest person I know. You're the one that forces me to face life. If it wasn't for you, I'd be holed up in some dorm room on campus with no friends. I'm so sorry I said those things to you." I felt tears running down my face.

Sarah grasped my hand, her face clearing. She tried to smile. "I know you don't." She creased her forehead. "It's like it wasn't you. I don't know how to explain it. You sounded like you and of course you looked like you." She paused. "But you didn't look at me like you." She shook her head. "If that makes sense."

"That makes as much sense as everything else in my life. Remind me never to make that punch again," I said, trying to break the tension with a joke. I really needed to come up with a better coping mechanism.

Sarah gave me a small smile and then she furrowed her brow again. "After you said...those things to me, you closed your eyes and then you started screaming again. That's when I realized that you hadn't really woken up."