Seeing Shadows (33 page)

"No one is saying that you have to do anything," my aunt answered gently. Probably more gently than my derisive tone deserved. "That's for you to decide. And it's not something you can decide lightly. I've just revealed a lot to you - things that most people never have to deal with. I just wanted to make sure you were safe while you come to grips with everything."

I swallowed, but felt a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. "But what about the people that I've seen in my visions? Does that mean they'll just become victims since I haven't done anything to save them?"

Did that mean Simon would die?

"All our visions have been proven to be true. But that doesn't mean it happens right after you have a vision, or immediately after you've seen the person in real life," she explained. "It could take a week, a month - or even a year. There's no way to predict it." She paused. "But yes, these people will die. But that doesn't mean you're obligated to try and save them. You're risking yourself in the process. Even though other people's vardogers can't hurt you, the more vardogers you eradicate, the more susceptible you are for your own vardoger to try and conquer you."

I could take no more at this point. I needed to be alone with my own thoughts. To process everything I had heard tonight. "Well, this has wrapped up a weekend that's been pretty crappy all round," I said, trying to sound glib. The crack in my voice didn't really help with that. "I don't think my brain is going to accept any more information."

"I understand," she said gently. "Like I said, the reason I called was to make sure you protect yourself. Make sure you're touching the iridium tusks of the elephant when you go to bed. In fact, I'd recommend that you break them off the figurine and wear it on a chain so that you're always in contact with it."

"Sure," I replied, not knowing how else to answer. Maybe I should melt down my jewelry and make some silver bullets too while I was at it.

My aunt took a deep breath and exhaled. "I'm sorry that our first conversation has to be such a...grim one. I'm hoping that we can meet soon. There's so much I'd like to share with you. But there's also so much more I want to learn about you. There are some pressing matters that I need to attend to here. People I have to guard. But I would like to visit you soon, if that's okay. I'm sure you have more questions than you can fathom right now, and there's so much more to tell you. Can I call again to see how you're doing?"

I heard genuine concern in her voice. I couldn't deny that, having had a childhood where I experienced more derision than concern, I was like a moth to a flame to her caring tone. I had to be careful to control myself, to not let this woman get too close just because I was desperate for some sort of family affirmation. Our relationship would progress on my terms, if at all. I needed that control to survive.

"Okay. But probably not so late next time."

"Of course," she said, sounding amused. Her voice turned serious. "Regardless of the reason why I called you today - the ugly subject matter, you don't realize how happy I am to have finally had a chance to hear your voice." Her voice filled with emotion. "Your mother was like a sister to me. She knew everything about me. And she accepted me. I've never had that kind of acceptance from anyone else outside of my family."

This was news to me. I hadn't realized that my mother had known about everything. But I couldn't talk about it now. As desperate as a part of me was to learn about my mother, my self-preservation stopped me from asking questions. I had as much as I could handle at the moment.

"Well, thank you for warning me," I said. I almost ended the sentence with
Aunt Brenda
, but the words wouldn't come out. "Have a good night."

"You too, Caitlin." Her voice turned urgent. "And don't forget about the iridium."

With that last statement, she ended the call. I hung up on my end and placed my cell phone on the night stand.

Now what?
I thought.
Now that everything I've ever believed in has been kicked on its ass, what do I do now?

I looked at the jade elephant. I was too tired, mentally and physically, to go MacGyver on it tonight and fashion the iridium tusks into necklace charms like the woman, my
Aunt Brenda,
had suggested. That would have to wait for another day. Even if I wasn't ready to accept her explanation, there was no way in hell I was taking any chances.

Afraid that I would lose grip of the elephant in my sleep, I placed the elephant in my right hand and tightly wrapped a plastic bag around it, holding it in place with a rubber band. That way, even if I did drop it in my sleep, my hand would still remain in contact with it.

I felt stupid going to bed with my hand wrapped up, knowing that I looked idiotic. But I was willing to risk idiocy if it meant saving my life.

The plastic bag turned out not to be necessary since I didn't fall asleep that night. How could anyone sleep if they had just been told that the monsters you believed in when you were little were actually real? That the shadows in the closet were actually waiting for you. And that you were supposed to go around vanquishing them.

I almost didn't make it to class in the morning but the alternative of staying home and letting my thoughts drive me crazy didn't appeal to me, so I decided class was a good way to distract myself.

I left the apartment before Sarah woke up. She had late classes on Mondays and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to face her. She would know automatically that something was wrong, beyond what had happened this past weekend. I had been a sight for sore eyes this morning. There were dark circles under my eyes and my pale face seemed even paler. My eyes look glazed, a combination of fatigue and resignation. Resignation that the life I knew, as broken as it had been in some respects, was no longer mine.

Tossing and turning last night, I realized I had two options. I could ignore everything and pretend that the phone call with my aunt had never happened and continue living my life as normally as I could. For as long as I could. Or I could decide to take an active role in trying to save the people in my visions. I wasn't sure about the latter path because this meant I really accepted that these vardogers were real. But I wasn't sure if I could just ignore everything either. A part of me knew that this was all real. It recognized the truth the instant my aunt had spoken it.

More importantly, I didn't want to take the chance of not accepting it and something happening to Simon. I could never live with myself then. I also had a feeling that if I just ignored it, I would slowly go crazy. I still wasn't sure which was the better alternative.

Trudging to class, it felt surreal that only a couple of days ago I had been happily planning Jenny's birthday party. I was afraid that the normalcy of my life that I had been able to cultivate, despite my visions, was going to be a thing of the past.

I tried to clear my head as I crossed the quad. My first class of the day was a marketing class, and it was mercifully a lecture. I could just sit there and not have to participate. Someone fell into step beside me and I looked up, inwardly groaning. The last person I needed to deal with right now was Samantha. I felt instantly drabber when I saw her red lips and pink cheeks ruddy from the cold. She looked vivacious and I'm sure I looked like a limp mop in comparison.

"Hi Samantha," I said, as she continued to walk next to me not saying a word. I wondered what she wanted.

"What's going on with Simon?" she asked with no preamble. I would have taken offense but she said it with no malice. She sounded more glum than anything else.

"Well, it's good to see you too," I joked but Samantha just frowned. I sighed. "Nothing, Samantha. Nothing is going on between me and Simon. We're just friends." The words
barely friends
echoed in my head but I pushed them away.

"Well, I know
that
," she replied, as if she was talking to a person who wasn't very bright. "I heard that he and Claudia are dating now."

My stomach dropped at her words. It was bad enough that apparently Simon had shifted his attentions to someone else so quickly. But for that someone else to be Claudia...the girl from my visions. The girl that had looked at me with such hatred. The girl that I wasn't sure was still the same girl but a...vardoger. How the hell was I supposed to handle all that on a Monday morning?

I tried to keep my face blank as I shrugged. "What makes you think that?" I tried to hide my desperate curiosity.

"Apparently he spent all day yesterday with her," Samantha replied, sounding even more glum if that was possible. "He took her to the Cove where they were looking pretty cozy and then they spent the rest of the day at his place." She turned to me, her eyes assessing me. "I was sure you were interested in him."

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly, a direct contrast to my heart that was clenching painfully. I guess the Cove was becoming Simon's MO for trying to get into a girl's pants. I shook my head at the uncharitable thought. Simon had never tried to push me in that direction. And I had no right to think badly of him since I was the one that had rejected him. It still didn't make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse.

"Like I said Samantha, we're just friends. Good for Simon."

Oh, my lying heart.

Samantha huffed. "I guess he goes for the goody-two-shoes type." She looked me up and down as she said this. I had the feeling that I should be insulted but I couldn't muster enough energy for it. Without the rivalry of a boy, Samantha was less grating. But not by much.

She kept walking beside me. As far as I knew, Samantha didn't have any classes in the business school, where I was headed. I wondered at Marcus' statement that she didn't have many friends as I gave her a sidelong glance. I wondered if she was a different girl behind all the defenses of her sexuality she put up. Like me. I just had different defenses.

I sucked in my breath as I suddenly caught sight of Simon. But he wasn't alone. He was with Claudia. They were walking a path that would directly intersect ours, probably heading towards the student center. Samantha turned in the direction I was looking at and made a sound of disgust.

"There's the happy couple now," she said with contempt. I wondered if she felt a certain camaraderie with me because she thought we had both been rejected by Simon, assuming that he had rebuffed my advances. I didn't think it was possible for Samantha to believe it was the other way around - that someone would reject a guy like Simon. I had to admit, I couldn't imagine any normal sane girl rejecting Simon. Now, an abnormal crazy girl was a different story...

Samantha lifted her hand in a wave as they drew closer.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Simon and Claudia.

Samantha turned to wink at me. "The battle might be over but the war's not done." I rolled my eyes at her lame statement. At least she didn't seem threatened by me anymore.

I needed to escape before they got any closer, before eye contact was made and I was forced to greet them.

"I, uh-have to make a stop somewhere before my class," I explained quickly to Samantha. She was barely paying attention to me as she watched Simon and Claudia draw closer, a predatory smile on her face.

"Whatever."

That was enough of a reply for me and I started veering towards the right to avoid them. I had only taken a few steps when I heard his voice call out.

"Caitlin!"

Shit shit shit. I turned around with a fake smile as they drew closer.

"Oh, hi Simon." I tried to sound casual as I looked into his blue eyes. Blue eyes that seemed to be dissecting me. He halted before me and I momentarily forgot about Claudia standing next to him. It said a lot about his effect on me if it could cause me to forget her.

"Running away?" he asked with a smirk. I didn't know which was worse. An overly interested Simon or a smirking Simon.

"Ah...no," I said, knowing that it looked exactly like that. "I just forgot that I had to do something. I didn't see you guys."