Seeing Your Face Again (41 page)

She comforted herself with the thought that Melvin wasn't really present now. Only his physical body lay in the coffin. Melvin's spirit was even now with
Da Hah
! What was buried would one day be raised out of death into eternal life. Yet, if she were honest, these truths meant little today. Even though they'd been whispered to her by family members and friends from the community a hundred times in the past few days.

And then there had been the news this morning whispered among the women. Minister Kanagy's
frau
, Barbara, had been told by her doctor yesterday, that breast cancer had been found. A serious case of it. Minister Kanagy should be in sackcloth and ashes
himself this morning instead of being busy with his instructions to her about Melvin's children. But she mustn't think ill of the man. There might be more hope for Barbara than the women assumed. That's how those things went sometimes. People tended to think the worst.

One thing Ida did know—
Da Hah
was dealing harshly with the Kanagy family right now. Had she perhaps been at fault in some way? But how could that be?
Da Hah
made His own choices, and she must not doubt Him. There were reasons for what happened that man could not understand, and she must accept them. Today she would mourn Melvin's passing and comfort his children.

Ida hung her head. One arm was tight around the frail shoulders of Melvin's son, Lonnie. Lisa, Melvin's youngest girl, was seated in her lap, snuggled up tight like she never wanted to let go. Their parting would come soon…in only hours! Minister Kanagy would make good on his warnings even with his
frau
ill. His had not been idle words. Hearts would tear again soon, but it couldn't be otherwise. She was at least mature enough to know that. Even if she somehow kept the children with her, how would she support six young ones? If she were Melvin's widow, the community would rally. They would help her until she found another husband. Minister Kanagy would help see to that—the husband and the support.

Ida shivered at the thought. Perhaps it was best this way. If she'd said the vows with Melvin, Minister Kanagy wouldn't rest until some widower—from who knew where—made her a marriage proposal. And she would have had to accept whether she loved the man or not. One could always learn to love, Ida supposed, but so soon after Melvin's passing would be a struggle. So there was one thing she was thankful for today! If Melvin's death had been necessary, which
Da Hah
had apparently deemed to be so, she was thankful that it had happened
before
the wedding. It was an awful, selfish thought to entertain at Melvin's funeral, but she couldn't help herself. And this was also best for Melvin's children. They would
be much happier with relatives than if they had to live with some unknown man Ida would have had to marry. All while she struggled to adjust to her new husband. Though there would surely be grace given, Minister Kanagy would say, and that was likely true. But still…

Ida turned from her dark thoughts with a sigh. She would return home tomorrow, and life would go on. The day would be a Sunday—the first day of the week, the first day of a new beginning. In reality her old life would resume. She must be brave for the children's sake and her own. Eyes that were cried out only did so much
gut
. She had discovered that upstairs in Melvin's house the past few nights. Lily had insisted that Ida rest when she came over since Ida refused to return home. Now she glanced down the bench toward Willard. He was the oldest, and the one who had found his father's body wrapped under the cultivator's steel teeth. Ida held still as a cold chill ran through her body. No boy should have to experience anything like that. If she had a complaint against
Da Hah
—even more than the fact that He took Melvin—it was that.

“You must not be bitter,” Minister Kanagy had lectured her when she blurted out her objections. And he spoke the truth.

After she arrived at the house the first day she'd rushed to Willard's side and tried to comfort him. But Willard wasn't willing. She found him on a chair in the living room. He was staring at the wall and as cold as ice. The attention and hugs she gave him didn't seem to reach inside him. Willard needed his real
mamm
at a moment like this, but that wasn't possible. It was a horrible, dark time. Ida felt tears run down her face. Somehow
Da Hah
would make sense out of it all, even if she couldn't see how things could possibly ever be right again.

Ida forced herself to listen to Bishop Troyer from a neighboring district. The Kanagy family had requested that he come in and preach the main sermon today. Perhaps the bishop would have some final words of comfort that would give her courage for the
days ahead. She should have listened since the bishop began to speak instead of wandering off in her own world filled with her own pain.

“And now today we lay our beloved brother in the ground,” Bishop Troyer said, as he lifted both hands toward the heavens. “But let us not forget the day that will come soon, a day of light and not of shadows, a day of joy and not of sorrows, and day when our cups will overflow and not remain empty. On that day, with
Da Hah
Himself, our brother Melvin will come back robed in all the glory of heaven to reunite with this earthen body of his. And so will all those who have died in the faith. They will be raised again or be changed in the twinkling of an eye if they are still alive. So let us comfort ourselves with that thought as we walk through the final steps of our sorrow today.”

Bishop Troyer sat down, and wiped his brow with his handkerchief. His head was bent low toward the floor. To Ida he looked weary, as if a great weight rested on his shoulders. She couldn't imagine what it took for a minister to preach at a funeral, even if the deceased wasn't related to him. Ida waited as the ushers moved the crowd past the casket. Lisa climbed out of her lap and stared at the line. At two years of age, Lisa couldn't possibly understand what all this meant.

“Your
Daett
has gone to heaven,” Ida whispered in Lisa's ear again, just as she had that first evening. She'd pointed toward the sky and tried to explain the tragedy in a way Lisa could understand. She hadn't succeeded though. Lisa had smiled and nodded. Later she'd asked when her
daett
would return from his trip to town.

Ida pulled the girl close. There would be no return, and Lisa would eventually deal with the fact. But perhaps at two the events of today would forever be lost in the fog of unformed memories. It would be
Da Hah
's mercy if this were true. Ida wished for foggy memories herself today, but she wouldn't have any. This moment would be etched in her mind for a very long time.

Mamm
and Debbie appeared in Ida's side vision.
Daett
stood up from the preacher's bench to join them in the line. Where was
Lois? Ida wondered. Surely she had come today. The answer came moments later, as
Mamm
and
Daett
, with Debbie at their sides, passed the casket. Verna and Joe stepped into view. Lois was clinging to Verna's arm. Ida let out her breath at the sight of Lois's black Amish dress. What if Lois had arrived in her pants today or even in a short
Englisha
dress? That would have been a shame the family might never have lived down. Thank
Da Hah
Lois had found it in her heart to make the right choice.

The opportunity to tell Lois that Melvin had approved of her as the family witness for the anticipated wedding day had never arrived. Ida choked back a sob and slipped her hand over her mouth. There were so many
gut
things that would never happen now. And each day would only bring more of them to mind. She would cry for weeks, if not months. Many had walked this path before her, and she must not think
Da Hah
would spare her the pain others had suffered.

Verna and Lois approached the casket. The two stood there for long moments as tears ran down their faces. Ida knew their tears were mostly for her—their plain sister. They probably figured she would never have another chance at happiness. At least not like Melvin would have given her. And this was true, Ida told herself. She buried her face in her hands as more tears came.

Little Lisa whispered in her ear, “What's wrong, Ida?”

There was no answer a child could understand even if she could have explained. Ida pulled Lisa close and said nothing. Someone touched Ida's shoulder moments later, and she looked up to see Debbie standing over her. Debbie motioned for little Lonnie to slide over on the bench. She sat down beside Ida. “Your mother said to stay with you,” Debbie whispered.

How like
Mamm
, Ida thought.
Mamm
figured that someone Ida's own age would be the greater comfort as she faced one last look at Melvin's face. Debbie reached over to squeeze her hand. They sat in silence as the long line of mourners moved through. Which was
worse? Ida wondered. The agonizing wait or the moment she would stand in front of the casket? Beside her on the bench, Debbie gasped and a startled look crossed her face. Ida turned to look in the direction of Debbie's glance. Her own emotions spiked. Alvin Knepp was in the viewing line! Why had he come to Melvin's funeral? At least Alvin had the decency to stand in line with his head bowed—a proper and fitting stance for a man who was in the
bann
.

Ida clutched Debbie's hand. What must Debbie think of Alvin reappearing at such a moment? Ida snuck a glance at her friend's face. It was pinched and pale, but the startled look was gone. What a shock this must be! What could it mean? No doubt the same question was racing through Debbie's mind. Alvin and Melvin hadn't been that close. Not close enough to bring Alvin home from the
Englisha
world on the basis of friendship. Not after all these months of silence.

Debbie lowered her eyes as the color left her face.

Surely Debbie must still love the man to have this kind of reaction, Ida thought. Oh, if only Alvin could see the wrong he had done and repent of his ways! Ida sat up straighter. What if Melvin's death brought conviction to Alvin for the life he was living? Did this tragedy make Alvin consider a reconciliation with
Da Hah
and the community? It was possible, but Ida wouldn't let herself jump to conclusions. Still, if
Da Hah
used Melvin's death to accomplish some
gut
, and not just any
gut
but the redemption of a soul that was lost, well that would surely soften the sadness.

Ida clasped her hands in front of her, as Lisa nestled by her side. Debbie was still looking at the floor, her facial expression frozen. This was such a sad day. Ida decided she was only grasping at straws in an attempt to find joy in the occasion. No doubt Alvin had simply been in the area for some reason and had decided to attend the funeral. But what if it were true that Alvin planned to come home? How
wunderbah
that would be—that something awful like Melvin's death might be used to heal Debbie and Alvin's relationship.

Hadn't Verna tried to use her wedding day to bring about the same thing?
Yah
, but it hadn't worked. Ida held her breath for a moment.
Yah
, Melvin would smile down from heaven if Alvin were affected in a positive way by his untimely death. Melvin must even now walk with the angels and bear the crowns
Da Hah
had given him. Why would it be so strange if some of that glory leaked back to the earth and accomplished a great
gut
? She must remember this in the days ahead, when the heartache of Melvin's loss became too much to bear. Alvin's presence today was a work of grace even if he never repented and made his peace with
Da Hah
and the community.

Forty

A
s they approached the casket, Debbie stayed close beside Ida. The line had finally ended, and Melvin's brothers and sisters had gathered by their families. Each had taken what time they needed around the casket. Minister Kanagy had sat down moments ago and motioned toward Ida. It was time for her to go up with Melvin's children. She half expected Minister Kanagy to change his mind and substitute someone else. But she was glad he didn't. If she'd said the marriage vows with Melvin, this would be her responsibility, so it was appropriate that she act as
mamm
for these children today.

Debbie held little Lisa, and Ida managed to grab Rosa's hand. Rosa looked like she would resist as Willard had in the beginning, but then she didn't. Perhaps she was too numb to do so. Ida considered that it might have something to do with being the oldest boy and girl of the family that caused both Willard and Rosa to shoulder the level of responsibility they had. Both were trying hard to hide their intense grief.