Seeing Your Face Again (40 page)

“
Yah
, I know.”

Both women turned their attention to the kitchen window when they heard an automobile pull in the driveway.

“Debbie's home,” Ida said, as they saw her hop out of her friend Rhonda's car.

“And there's Deacon Mast's buggy,”
Mamm
said, almost in the same breath.

Ida leaned over the kitchen sink to look further down the road. A shiver went up her spine. “I wonder what he wants?” Likely the deacon only wished to speak with
Daett
about some church problem that didn't involve her. She hadn't done anything wrong as far as she knew.

“Both you and Debbie are behaving yourselves?”
Mamm
asked rhetorically.

Obviously
Mamm
's thoughts were following Ida's. “Not like Lois is,”
Mamm
continued. “But then the deacon wouldn't be speaking with Lois here because…”

Mamm
let the words hang as Debbie walked across the lawn toward the house. Ida pushed thoughts of Deacon Mast out of her mind and left the kitchen to greet Debbie with a hug at the front door.

“My, are we happy tonight?” Debbie remarked. “Wedding thoughts, have we?”

“
Yah
, I suppose I'll have them more and more until the day,” Ida said, looking over Debbie's shoulder toward Deacon Mast, who was tying his horse to the hitching post. Fear raced through her with a rush. She had nothing to fear from Deacon Mast, Ida reminded herself.

Debbie followed Ida's gaze. “You don't think I've been doing something against the
Ordnung
?” The look of concern was heavy on Debbie's face.

“Of course not.” Ida squeezed Debbie's hand as
Daett
came out of the barn. Deacon Mast waited for him beside his buggy and took off his hat well before
Daett
arrived near enough to speak with him.

Debbie turned and paused, her gaze fixed on the sight. The deacon never took off his hat when he arrived for his normal church visits. Why was he doing so now? Terror gripped her so tightly she could hardly breathe. Debbie stepped inside and looked out the front door. “What do you think is the matter?”

“Nothing, I think.” Ida tried to control the beating of her heart. “I'm just a little jumpy right now.”

Debbie kept her gaze on the two men. “Why do they have their hats off?”

Ida clasped her hands together, her face white. “I have no idea. It's not usually a
gut
sign. Perhaps we'd best get
Mamm
.”

Ida pulled herself away and turned.
Mamm
already stood there.

Wiping her hands on her apron,
Mamm
asked, “Is something wrong, Ida?”

Ida pointed weakly toward the deacon's buggy and the two men who stood with heads bowed.

Mamm
took one look and motioned toward the couch. “Come! We must sit and pray, girls. Deacon Mast has brought bad news.”

“It may not be as terrible as we think it is,” Ida managed, but the pain in her chest was all the proof she needed that something awful had happened. But what? She didn't really want to know, and yet she would face whatever it was with courage. Surely this wasn't
about Lois. If Lois were involved, the police would have arrived with the news of an accident. And in Lois's condition,
Da Hah
surely wouldn't allow Lois's soul to pass over without a chance at repentance. This must be news that involved someone else.

All three women sat on the couch praying, their heads bowed, until steps sounded on the front porch.
Mamm
said “Amen,” and jumped up to open the door.
Daett
and Deacon Mast came in with their hats in their hands.

Daett
finally broke the silence. “I'm afraid
Da Hah
has chosen one of our people to join the other side, and we must prepare our hearts to submit to His will.”

Ida's hands turned cold as a horrible thought formed. Was Melvin dead? But how could that be with their wedding only a few weeks away? Surely not!
Daett
must be referring to someone else. But who?

Daett
looked at Ida.

Ida couldn't keep her gaze from his face.

“I'm afraid this concerns you, Ida,” he said.

Daett
's voice went all the way through Ida. Her whole body throbbed with pain. “Not Melvin!” Ida heard her wail fill the room.
Mamm
's hand clutched her arm. The strength of
Mamm
's hold was the only thing that kept her on the couch. Ida struggled to control the sobs rising inside of her.

“Melvin has died.” Deacon Mast spoke for the first time. “I'm sorry, Ida.”

Ida struggled to keep silent. If she even breathed she might begin to scream.

Debbie's hand slipped around Ida's, but she was in a state of shock. Her body felt like it had left this earth. Only her mind had stayed behind. And even that wanted to escape, but she was earthbound. This couldn't have happened…it just
couldn't
!

“What happened? Has he gone? Surely there is still time for Ida to see him?”
Mamm
whispered.

Daett
looked at
Mamm
with a puzzled face. “Deacon Mast said he has passed over. Melvin's gone, Saloma.”

“Ida must see him,”
Mamm
insisted. “She must see him before they take him away.”

Daett
and Deacon Mast glanced at each other, looking for guidance neither of them had.

“She must,”
Mamm
repeated.

“It can't be,” Deacon Mast finally said. “Even I was not allowed near the accident until the
Englisha
undertaker had taken the body away. Only Willard and Lily saw him.”

Ida forced herself to speak. “What happened?”

Deacon Mast stroked his beard as if questioning the wisdom of providing details. Finally he spoke. “The cultivator…Melvin must have slipped. After he stopped to let the horses rest and was climbing on again. The drag marks start near the back of the field, under the shade tree. The horses must have run for a long way. Melvin was using his young colt…apparently training him. There are rows of young corn torn up…” The deacon's voice trailed off.

“Melvin's children…”
Mamm
paused midsentence.

Deacon Mast met
Mamm
's gaze. “Willard found him. I wish it were not so, but that's who went to tell Lily. She ran to check on Melvin while Willard stayed with the other children. Then Lily went to the neighbors' place to use the telephone.”

Ida bolted to her feet. “I must be with Willard then. He must not be left alone. A young boy should not have found his
daett
so.” Pain shot through her whole body now and broke in waves on top of waves. She pictured the face of Melvin's nine-year-old boy. A man dragged under the cultivator's prongs for any distance would not be a sight any nine-year-old should see, let alone if his
daett
was that man.

Sobs shook her body. Ida lunged for the door. No one made an attempt to stop her.

Mamm
and Debbie finally moved and caught up with her
halfway across the lawn. They held on to Ida's arms, one on either side of her. The three stood beside the hitching post.

Deacon Mast and
Daett
caught up with them. The deacon climbed back into his buggy and drove off.

Daett
left and came out of the barn moments later with Buttercup harnessed. He had her hitched to the buggy with Debbie's help while
Mamm
and Ida climbed into the front seat.

“Stay as long as you need to,”
Daett
told them as he handed
Mamm
the lines. “We'll be okay here.”

“I'll take care of the house,” Debbie added, her eyes bright with tears.

Ida hid her face in her hands and hung on as they raced out of the driveway and turned east.
Mamm
urged Buttercup on. The moments seemed to hang together. Numbness stole over Ida's body now that the first wave of pain had flooded her. Was this what others went through when they received such awful news? If it was, she would forever know what death brought in its wake. She'd never imagined it would be like this. Before her lay an awful darkness. Melvin was gone! And in the vast emptiness she could see nothing but the promises of what
Da Hah
had planned for those who believed in His name. Her dreams had been taken from her, but she must still believe those promises! Yet in this moment she felt only pain. She should be ashamed, but she wasn't. Too much had been lost not to grieve. It was as if heaven itself waited for her tears to flow. And Ida let them come. Did not the Savior Himself say that those who mourned would be comforted?

But right now she didn't want comfort either. Why would one wish for such a thing when she would never be allowed to stand beside Melvin and say the wedding vows with him. She would never know what it was like to live in the same house with his children and be their
mamm
. She would never know what it would be like to give Melvin all the kisses he wanted and feel no shame.
She clung to the side of the buggy seat as the sobs racked her body. Why hadn't she kissed Melvin more on Sunday night? She could have. It would have done no one any harm, least of all her. But she'd refused him.

“Are you okay?”
Mamm
glanced at her.

Of course not!
Ida wanted to howl. But she nodded through her tears.
Mamm
knew what she meant. Many a woman before her had walked through this valley of death. She was not someone special to think that the pain would be any less. She would be okay—eventually. It was the way of the community and the way
Da Hah
worked.

Ida collected herself as
Mamm
drove into Melvin's driveway. Groups of people stood around, and a few
Englisha
police cars sat in the yard. Minister Kanagy saw them first and came at a run across the yard. He grabbed Buttercup's bridle and tied him to the hitching post when
Mamm
handed him the tie rope. Minster Kanagy somehow made it to her side of the buggy by the time Ida managed to climb out. He took both of her hands in his as tears flowed down his face. “You must not allow bitterness to enter your heart, sister Ida,” he whispered. “We do not know why this happened and may never know, but we must trust in
Da Hah
's decisions.”

Ida wiped her eyes. “Thanks for the admonishment, Minster Kanagy. I will grieve, but I will not allow my heart to grow cold.”

Concern lingered on his face. “I so wish this had not happened, Ida. I want you to know that.”

“I understand.” Tears crept into Ida's eyes again. “I wish to see Willard. Deacon Mast told me he found his
daett
.”

Minster Kanagy hesitated. “You're not their
mamm
, Ida. You must understand that even in a moment like this.”

Ida faced him. “You would keep Willard from me? I have been coming over one day a week for a long time now. I know the boy well.” Ida knew her eyes blazed, but she didn't care. Death made one
bold, and it was a strange feeling. Never before had she dared look at Minister Kanagy like this.

Minister Kanagy retreated a step. “Perhaps it's best that the boy be comforted. But after the funeral Melvin's extended family will take charge of the children. Remember that, Ida.”

Ida nodded and swept past him on her way to the house. The crowd parted to allow her through.

Thirty-Nine

I
da sat on the long bench near the front of the living room with all of Melvin's children on both sides of her. “It's only for today now,” Minister Kanagy had reminded her again. Ida wished he wouldn't be so insistent on the matter. She understood that she had to leave Melvin's children after the funeral, but right now she didn't want to think about tomorrow or even about the next moment. Soon Melvin's body would be placed in the ground at its final resting place, and life would end for her. At least that's how it felt.