Seek Me With All Your Heart (6 page)

“Are you sure? Because you know when your
daed
and Levi get home, they’re going to dive into the rest of that pie, and we’l be lucky to get any at al .”

“I’m sure.” Emily tucked her bare feet beneath her dress as she stayed curled up on the couch.

“You need socks on, Emily. I’l go get you some.” Vera turned to head up the stairs.

“
Mamm
, I don’t need socks. I don’t need pie. I’m fine.” Emily straightened her legs out and put her feet on the floor. She gazed up at her mother. “I’m going to go upstairs and take a bath before Levi gets home and hogs the bathroom.”

Emily stood up, and Vera watched her trudge up the stairs as if taking a bath was her most dreaded chore. That’s how Emily approached everything these days.

Please, Lord, let her forgive, forget, and move forward
.

Though she tried to keep it out of her mind, Vera found herself thinking about what had happened to her daughter. It made her weak in the knees. And at those times she al owed herself to visualize it, she felt nauseous and angry beyond anything that God would approve of. With each wicked image of her baby girl being taken advantage of in such a way, Vera found herself having thoughts that were not in line with her upbringing, which was something that kept forgiveness just out of her reach.

AFTER HER EARLY bath, Emily closed the door to her room, thankful that she didn’t share a room with Betsy, as she’d done in Middlefield. This house was no bigger than the one back home, but was laid out in such a way that five smal bedrooms al owed each one of them to have their own space.

She laid down on her bed and cupped her hands behind her head, knowing she didn’t have long before it would be time to help her mother with supper.

Her stomach rumbled at the thought of food, but she already knew that once she sat down to eat, she wouldn’t feel hungry anymore. The image of James sitting across from her at the diner would always slam into her mind, and she’d lose any appetite she’d worked up.

She recal ed how flattered she’d been when James asked her to go on a real date. What she wouldn’t give to go back in time. Her first mistake had been to lie to her parents about her whereabouts. She’d never lied to her folks, or anyone, prior to that. But she knew her father wouldn’t have approved of her missing her Uncle Abram’s birthday supper to go on a date with James Mil er or anyone else. That’s why God had punished her. For lying.

Emily recal ed her words exactly. “
Daed
, I’m sick to my stomach. I’m not going to be able to go tonight.” Her mother had come into her room shortly after, toting a tray with chicken soup, crackers, and hot tea, which only added to her building guilt. But it was James Mil er. She had to go. And it was only a few blocks walking distance to the smal diner where they’d planned to meet.

She clamped her eyes closed and fought the onslaught of images dumping into her thoughts. A simple kiss. Her first kiss. A kiss that went terribly wrong.

Every horrible detail was carved into her mind.

She repeated the words she’d said over and over since that night in September.

“I forgive you, James. I forgive you.”

Hopeful y someday she would mean it.

But she would never tel . She’d never tel who her attacker was. The policemen had questioned her over and over again and said there would be a meeting in front of a judge to decide what would happen to the person who’d hurt Emily. She wasn’t sure she heard everything the policeman said that day, but she did hear the part about how she would have to tel a roomful of people what James did to her, and that was more than she would be able to bear. And what would James’s parents think? Would James be shunned? Neither Emily nor the members of their smal district would have been able to endure it. So she told yet another lie. “I took a walk to get some fresh air,” she’d said. “And
.
.
. I didn’t know him
.
.
.”

Emily heard her father and Levi talking with her mother downstairs, so she slowly rose from the bed to go help with supper. On her way down the stairs, she bumped into Levi coming up. As usual, he avoided looking at her. Was the scar on her face so repel ing that her own brother couldn’t look at her?

She’d even overheard their mother speaking to him about his attitude, saying that he needed to act as normal as possible and to stop looking so sul en.

That was
Mamm’s
answer. Pretend it didn’t happen, and it wil eventual y go away.

Emily didn’t think so.

When she entered the kitchen, her father was removing his black coat and black felt hat, both dotted with melted snow. He turned in her direction.

“
Mei maedel
, how was your day?”

Emily found her father’s question so sincere. He wasn’t avoiding her pain.

“It was
gut
,
Daed
.” She smiled, knowing it was a partial lie, but justified her words with the fact that parts of the day had been bearable. Emily tried to stay upbeat around her father. She knew that he was devastated about what had happened to her. He never tried to hide his pain, and he silently understood hers. But she chose not to hide her misery from her mother. Maybe just once,
Mamm
could talk to her about it, comfort her, tel her that she wasn’t the ruined woman she knew herself to be. Instead, always laughter. Always happy. And Emily resented her mother more and more each day.

Everyone knew Betsy was coming when the china in the cabinet began to rattle. She hopped down the stairs, both feet hitting each step at once, and then skipped across the den to the kitchen.

Betsy knew something bad had happened to Emily. It was the first and only time Betsy had ever seen a police car, and everyone was crying. Besides Emily, Levi had cried the hardest, even pounding his fist into the wal .
Daed
had overlooked Levi’s aggression in light of everything.

“I’m going with Emily in the car with the lights!” Betsy had screamed that night as she clung to Emily’s blue dress. That was the last thing Emily remembered before she passed out and woke up at the hospital. She threw the blue dress in the garbage two days later.

“Emily, did you hear me?” Her mother slapped her hands to her hips.

“Huh?”

“Please put the chow-chow, jams, and jel ies on the table.” ter. “Betsy, can you put the butter bread on the table, please?”
Mamm
shook her head, then pointed to the bread on the coun

Emily realized that she’d come downstairs too late to help with supper preparation. She used to love cooking for others, but since she wasn’t fond of eating these days, the cooking wasn’t as fulfil ing as it used to be. Just the same, her parents expected her to help with the meals, and she shouldn’t have been late.

Levi came downstairs a few minutes later, and everyone took their seats. Emily sat next to Betsy on one wooden bench, Levi and Jacob across from them on the other bench, and her parents at opposite ends of the table in arm chairs that her father and Levi had built.

“Let us pray.” The family bowed their heads.

Once they’d al prayed silently, her mother picked up a large pan of meatloaf. “Levi’s favorite tonight.” She smiled at Levi as she passed him the casserole dish, a glimmer of hope in her eyes that perhaps Levi would try to be happy, but once again he let her down.

Emily wanted to scream at him.
Why are you so unhappy? Nothing happened to you! Stop acting this way!
But she reminded herself that she didn’t have the exclusive right to be miserable. Maybe there was something going on with Levi that no one knew anything about. Maybe he was more upset about leaving Middlefield than he’d let on.

“I have news.” Their father lifted his brows and glanced around the table as he let
Mamm
spoon some potatoes onto his plate. “We have enough money in our community fund to start construction on the new schoolhouse when the weather clears, and I have six people in our community committed to helping out on Saturdays.”
Daed
shook his head. “If we were in Middlefield, gathering workers wouldn’t be a problem, but there just aren’t very many of us here.

But a nice
Englisch
fel ow volunteered to head up the project. He’s been a carpenter al his life, so we’re in good hands.” Then
Daed
smiled, as was his way. Her father always recognized the hardship of a given situation, but then he’d find a way to make the best of it. Emily was sure that her father believed he could turn anything bad into something positive. She knew it frustrated him that he couldn’t do this for her. But Emily found
Daed’s
approach to life endearing. It was as if he was saying, “I’m sorry something bad happened to you. I care, and I love you. It’s okay to feel it, and I’m going to do my best to keep things going around here.”

She recal ed a time when she wasn’t much older than Betsy. It was the first year she’d helped her mother plant a garden, and Emily had insisted that they have watermelons, something they usual y didn’t plant. She could stil remember her father’s excitement when the first sprig of growth popped through the soil. They al worked hard to avoid pride, but her father had kept Emily’s first watermelon on display on the kitchen counter for so long that it almost became inedible. He showed it to everyone who came to visit. “
Mei maedel
grew this. It’s the finest watermelon I’ve ever seen,” he’d said. Emily could stil recal how proud she felt, and within a few years, she was completely in charge of the garden. Jacob did the til ing, but Emily did al the planting and harvesting, and her appreciation for the soil paral eled her father’s. Many evenings they sat on the front porch after supper, and Emily would tel him about her garden, and her father would talk about the plentiful crops he had going in the fields. Working the land brought a profound sense of stewardship and close connection to God. Emily wondered if she would capture any of those precious moments in this new place when spring arrived.

In Middlefield, her father and brothers had worked the land ful -time, but here in Canaan,
Daed
and Levi also had the construction and solar panel business they would be tending to, in addition to farming. Jacob was to tend the store with Emily and split his time in the fields.
Daed
said these changes were necessary until they knew how their crops would fare in this new climate.

“There’s a new family in town, Elam.”
Mamm
sat up tal er. “They have a daughter, Anna, who is Betsy’s age, another daughter who is five named Elizabeth, and
.
.
.” Her eyes twinkled with hope. “And a young man named David who wil be coming to our singin’ this Sunday. He’s Levi’s age, I believe.” She smiled in Emily’s direction.

“He seems like a
gut
fel ow.” Jacob reached across Emily and began to spoon potatoes onto his plate.

Emily glowered at him. “I could have passed you the bowl.” She leaned back as his arm came much too close to her glass of milk.

Jacob didn’t react to her comment and instead piled another heap of potatoes on his plate. “Maybe he’l help us with the schoolhouse. I’l ask him Sunday when he’s here.”

Emily saw Levi scowl, but he didn’t say anything.

“The mother’s name is Lil ian.” Her mother shifted her weight in the chair. “And listen to this! She actual y converted from the
Englisch
world about eight years ago, then married David’s father, Samuel.”
Mamm
cocked her head to one side and pressed her lips together. “So interesting. I’ve never known anyone who came from the other side.”

“I’m teaching the girls about the Bible.” Betsy raised her smal chin and smiled at their father.

Emily remembered Betsy’s Bible lesson with Anna. “Betsy, why don’t you just behave like a normal little girl, play and have fun when you have friends over?” She knew the question was harsh, and there was that word again—
normal
. When Betsy’s mouth fel into a frown, she softened her tone. “I mean, I’m sure Anna and Elizabeth’s parents teach them about the Bible at their own home. Maybe they’d like to put a puzzle together or play a game?”

Betsy scrunched her face into a pout. “You can’t learn much by doing that.”

“Sometimes you just need to have fun, Betsy.” Emily took a smal bite of meatloaf.

Levi grunted as he reached for a slice of bread. “Maybe you oughta take your own advice.”

Emily slammed her fork down. “You’re not exactly running around here al happy, Levi. Maybe you best not tel me how I’m supposed to feel, or act, or be . ..” She felt tears building in the corners of her eyes.

“That’s enough,”
Mamm
warned each of them. “This is not proper behavior for the supper table.”

Jacob pushed his plate back. Her oldest brother didn’t like any type of confrontation, and Emily saw him cringe before he quickly bowed his head in silent prayer, then excused himself. “I’l go get the horses secured in the barn. Supposed to be real cold tonight, I heard.”

“That’s what I heard too.”
Mamm
pointed toward the den. “I already hauled in some extra logs.”

Emily watched as Jacob pushed his chair in and left the room. She’d never been as close to Jacob as she was to Levi, but al that had changed recently. When Levi withdrew inside himself for reasons none of them could understand, Jacob had stepped in and seemed to silently understand Emily’s pain. He was much like their father in that regard.

She didn’t hear much of the rest of the conversation. She picked at her food, but for once, there was no ugly replay going on in her mind. Instead, she was thinking about David Stoltzfus. A handsome, single man. And, apparently, a nice person. But Emily knew that she needed to avoid him, not get close to him. She reached up and grazed the scar with her finger. What would someone like David Stoltzfus want with her anyway?

Just the same, she planned to avoid the singing on Sunday somehow.

DAVID HAD NEVER seen a group of women so excited about a commode before.

Lil ian rushed to Anna and Elizabeth the minute they walked in with him. “We have a bathroom in the
haus
,
mei maedels
!” She pointed toward the stairs. “Go see!”