Selby's Stardom (2 page)

Selby could hear the sound of sniffles and then sobs.

‘Mel? I mean, Melanie?'

‘All my life I've been (
sniff)
working to make Bogusville a better place
(sob).
I've tended the public gardens — sometimes without even getting paid for it
(sniff)
— and I've acted in plays for people's enjoyment. And now I'm trying to bring culture to this town. Is that such a
(sob)
terrible thing?'

‘Okay, okay, okay,' Selby said. ‘Mrs Trifle — I mean, I — will do it.'

‘You'll never regret this, Mrs Trifle!'

‘I don't know about that. But as long as it is only those forty-five pe ople. I'd hate it if word spread about this.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘I mean the way things are going, the next thing we know there will be posters about your life-drawing class all over Bogusville.'

‘Posters?'

‘Yes and letters in everybody's mailboxes.'

‘Letters?'

‘And ads in the
Bogusville Banner.
‘

‘Newspaper ads?'

‘Okay, so I'm exaggerating,' Selby said using Mrs Trifle's voice. ‘But I'm sure you get my point.'

‘Yes, I
certainly
do.'

Click.

‘Melanie? Mel? Yoo hoo. Oh, bother, she hung up.'

Selby slept badly that night — when he slept at all. All night long he was haunted by visions of Mrs Trifle in front of a giggling life-drawing class. Then, just when he'd finally nodded off, he was awakened by the sound of Dr Trifle running into the house. The sun was now high in the sky.

‘Guess what?' Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle.

‘Please don't play guessing games with me, darling,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘I'm trying to focus my mind and be brave.'

‘Have a look at this poster,' Dr Trifle said, unrolling it.

Selby's ears shot up.

‘A poster?' he thought.

Mrs Trifle snatched the poster from Dr Trifle and read aloud.

‘“Join Melanie Mildew's life-drawing class now and draw a real live naked model.” I can't believe this!' Mrs Trifle screamed.

‘And look at the letter that just arrived in the mail.'

‘Oh, no!' Selby thought. ‘A letter!'

Dr Trifle handed it to Mrs Trifle to read.

‘Oh, no! This is getting out of hand!' Mrs Trifle cried. ‘The next thing you know it'll be in the newspaper.'

At that exact moment Dr Trifle took a copy of the
Bogusville Banner
from behind his back. The headline read:

Nakedness Comes to Bogusville!

‘This is awful! This is horrible! This is a catastrophe!' Mrs Trifle cried. ‘What else does it say?'

Dr Trifle read the article aloud:

‘The movie theatre!' Mrs Trifle screamed. ‘But that will fit everyone in Bogusville and half of the people of Poshfield!'

‘Which is exactly who have signed up for the course,' Dr Trifle said.

‘This is horrible!' Mrs Trifle cried. ‘But I have to do it. I can't let Melanie down.'

‘I'm the one who's let Mrs Trifle down,' Selby thought. ‘I never should have talked to Melanie. Now I've
really
got to get her out of it.'

Just before midday, Melanie Mildew picked up Mrs Trifle and drove her to the theatre. Selby had set out half an hour before and was there when the women arrived and hurried in through the stage door.

Outside, hundreds of people holding pads of drawing paper and clutching pencils were making their way into the theatre. Parked in the street were television vans with satellite dishes that said things like ‘World Wide Television News' and ‘Channel 11: Eyes of the Nation'.

Nearby, a reporter was filing a report for the television news: ‘Today, all eyes are on the sleepy little town of Bogusville, Australia. In a place more familiar with tractor rallies and sheep-dog trials, the local art teacher is bringing these simple folk something they've never seen
before: a life-drawing class. Yes, life-drawing with a real nude for everyone to practise their drawing skills. And judging from the crowd, this is probably the most popular event in the history of Bogusville. We'll now take you to Vanessa, who is standing by inside the theatre, waiting for the curtain to rise. Can you hear me, Vanessa …?'

‘I can't believe this!' Selby thought. ‘Melanie's life-drawing class has become a world-wide media event! The whole world is going to see Mrs Trifle! And they're making us sound like a bunch of dummies. “Sleepy little town.” “Simple folk.” I've got to stop this!'

Selby crept in through the stage door and found Mrs Trifle and Melanie standing behind the closed curtain. Mrs Trifle had taken off her clothes and put on a dressing-gown.

‘Just stand on the stage,' Melanie said. ‘And when I say “Raise the curtain,” you drop your dressing-gown and the curtain will rise. Remember, you don't have to do a thing — just stand still.'

‘I think I understand,' Mrs Trifle mumbled. ‘Curtain. Drop dressing-gown. Stand still. I
think I've got it. Oh, I'm so nervous. Are you sure this is a good thing for me to be doing?'

‘It is a wonderful thing,' Melanie said. ‘After today everyone will want to pose and we'll have more and more classes. We'll bring out the hidden talents of the people of Bogusville. Think of it, Mrs Trifle, Bogusville could become the art capital of Australia! Now, I'd better go out front and settle people down.'

Melanie Mildew went around the curtain and stood in front of the audience.

‘Bring out hidden talents,' Mrs Trifle muttered. ‘Good for Bogusville. Yes, yes. Art capital of Australia.'

‘Oh, poor Mrs Trifle,' Selby thought. ‘She can't stand still. She's shaking all over.'

On the other side of the curtain, Melanie Mildew clapped her hands.

‘Quiet, please!' she said, waiting for a moment till the noise died down. ‘I'd like to welcome you all to the first-ever life-drawing class to be held in Bogusville. Over the next hour we invite you to draw as many pictures of a real nude model as you can. And I think you're going to be very
very
surprised when you see
who it is. After today, we will be calling for volunteers for models for future drawing classes. But now, without further ado, let's raise the curtain!'

‘Curtain,' Mrs Trifle muttered. ‘Raise.'

With trembling fingers, Mrs Trifle undid the tie on her dressing-gown and then let the gown fall to the floor.

‘I can't look!' Selby thought, as he put a paw over his eyes. ‘And I can't let this happen!'

Just as the houselights dimmed and the curtain began to rise, Selby let out a scream that sounded like ‘Aaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!' and leapt into the air, hitting Mrs Trifle side on and knocking her off the platform and sending her skidding into the wings of the theatre and out of sight.

As the curtain rose, the audience saw Selby standing on the platform, frozen in the spotlight.

‘What have I done?' he thought as he stared out into the audience. ‘All these people have come for a life-drawing class and now I've ruined it.'

Selby could see Melanie Mildew standing on the side of the stage with her mouth hanging open.

Someone in the crowd broke the silence by calling out, ‘Brilliant! A naked dog!'

‘It's the mayor's dog, Selby!' someone else yelled. ‘What a wonderful idea!'

‘Look at all those wonderful curves,' someone shouted. ‘Melanie, this is a wonderful surprise! But could you please take his collar off?'

And Melanie did just that.

Selby stayed perfectly still as he watched the grumbling television crews pack up and begin to leave. Everyone else was furiously sketching.

‘Hey, this is kind of fun,' Selby thought as he looked around at the eyes that were studying him. ‘And look, Mrs Trifle has her clothes back on and she's smiling at me.'

‘Mrs Trifle!' Selby heard Melanie whisper. ‘You never cease to amaze me. You had a substitute all along, didn't you? And they love him. From now on I think I'm going to make this an animal life-drawing class. I think that's what Bogusville people really want.'

And so it was that Selby stood there for a whole hour as everyone drew picture after picture of him. At the end of it, the curtain came down to thunderous applause.

‘I don't know how you got here or what got into you,' Mrs Trifle said, as she and Selby walked home. ‘It was almost as though you had set out to rescue me from something I really didn't want to do. And you managed to stand there without moving for a whole hour.'

‘That bit was the hardest part of all,' Selby thought. ‘I didn't think I could bear it for another minute.
Bare
it? Did I say bare it? What am I saying?' he added with a silent chuckle.

‘Selby seems to be off his food,' Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle as she came through the door. ‘Either that or he's finally sick of Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.'

‘What does he mean
finally
?' Selby thought. ‘I could never stand the ghastly things.'

‘I've got an idea,' Mrs Trifle said, putting down the cardboard box she was carrying. ‘Why don't we see if he likes the same kind of food that we like?'

‘Good idea,' Dr Trifle said. ‘We'll give him a treat. Speaking of treats, isn't it about time we stocked up on some of our favourite goodies? Let's go out right now and buy some quadruple
chocolate fudge mix, and raspberry ripple icecream, and the right spices to make the kind of peanut prawns they make at The Spicy Onion Restaurant.'

‘Oh, this is wonderful!' Selby thought. ‘At last they're going to give me some decent food! Oh joy, oh joy, oh happy day!'

‘Hadn't we better see how many Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits there are in the big bag next to the fridge?' Mrs Trifle asked. ‘I'd hate to find he liked our food when there were still lots of dog biscuits left. What would we do with them?'

‘I'm pretty sure it's almost empty,' Dr Trifle said, ‘so now would be the perfect time to see if he wants to change over. By the way, what are all those things in that box you were carrying.'

‘Nothing much,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘Just some odds and ends I bought at the Trash and Carry fundraising sale at Bogusville Primary School. There's a pack of cards with the aces and kings missing, an egg-beater with only one beater, an old pack of balloons that have gone all hard, and a funny old brass lamp. It's mostly rubbish, but the money will go to the school library so it's a good cause.'

‘That lamp certainly is rubbish,' Dr Trifle said, picking it up. ‘It doesn't even have a place to put in a light globe and there's no plug to plug it in.'

‘It's not that sort of lamp, dear. It's the old old sort that you fill with oil and then light where this little hole is. In fact, it will be quite pretty when you get that ugly spot off the side.'

‘That's what I call wishful thinking,' Dr Trifle said, picking at the spot with his fingernail. ‘This will never come off. The best thing to do is just throw it out.'