Semper Fi (41 page)

Cal grabbed Jim’s hand. “
It’s not your fault
.”

“How can you say that? You were there, and you’re fine. What’s wrong with me?” He pulled free and began pacing.

“Fine? None of us are fine, Jim. Some of us just hide it better.”

“I’m weak. I’ve always been weak.”

“Weak?” Cal exhaled sharply. “I don’t ever want you to talk that way.
Feel
that way. I know you think you failed them somehow. Sully and Davis. That woman.”

Jim squeezed his eyes shut as the memories reared up. “I should have saved them.”

Cal’s hands were gentle as they rubbed up and down Jim’s arms. “You couldn’t save everyone. None of us could.”

Thoughts of Sully and the nameless woman flowed into memories of Ann, and of that other terrible night. Jim pushed them away, wishing he could erase them from his mind forever. He opened his eyes and focused on what Cal was saying.

“We all came home with scars. We do our best every day to go on with our lives and put it behind us. That’s what you’re doing. Your best. It’s all we can do.”

Cal was right, of course. Jim knew it, but he couldn’t help the shame and powerlessness that still lived deep within. He wanted to fall into Cal’s arms and lose himself in the warmth and strength.

Sophie’s laughter rang out in the distance, and Cal’s hands fell away. Jim felt bereft, and he watched Mabel munch. There was so much he wanted to say to Cal, but he needed to gather his thoughts. He had to say it right.

“Let’s do some work and get through today. Once Eddie’s gone, we can talk.”

Cal’s eyebrows raised. “About everything?”

“Everything.”

The stars were bright as Jim and Eddie wandered near the paddock. Cal had volunteered to help Sophie clean up, and Jim knew he had to go ahead and get it over with. He didn’t even know what
it
was, this strange string of tension wavering between him and Eddie. He hadn’t held a grudge when Eddie left, or he hadn’t thought so, at least.

Jim breathed deeply. He loved the ripe, heavy smell of the apples after a sunny day near harvest. The air was rich and soothing, and he steadied himself for what was to come.

Eddie leaned against the fence and lit a cigarette. “He’s good with the kids. Your friend Cal.”

Jim bristled already. “He is. We’re lucky he’s here.”

“Looks like he’ll be sticking around, huh?” Eddie motioned to the cider house. “Glad to see you finally decided to expand. I always thought there was an opportunity there.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably. “You did. I should have listened. I was a bit stuck in my ways.”

“I suppose we all are sometimes.” Eddie cleared his throat. “Look, I shouldn’t have left you in the lurch the way I did. I’m sorry. But…”

“But what?” Jim almost held his breath.

Something caught Eddie’s eye, and Jim glanced over his shoulder to find Cal approaching with two glasses and a bottle of beer tucked under his arm.

“The kids are taking a bath.” He passed one glass of whiskey to Eddie and then the beer to Jim.

Jim took a long sip, trying to quell the growing dread. The three men drank in strained silence until Eddie stubbed out his cigarette on the fence. He handed his empty glass to Jim.

“I suppose I should be going.”

Cal laughed bitterly. “That’s it? Nothing else to say?”

Eddie stood up straighter, his jaw tight. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.” Cal balanced his glass on the fence post. “Jim deserves the truth. He beat himself up all through the war for not being here. But Ann was no saint. She was getting on just fine without him. Wasn’t she?”

Jim gripped the glass and bottle in his hands. “What does that mean?”

Eddie’s nostrils flared, and his gaze was intent on Cal. He spoke as if Jim wasn’t even there. “He already has more than he deserves. He has
everything.
” Eddie flung his arm out. “All of this. The kids. What do I have?”

Cal looked ready to punch Eddie’s lights out, and Jim felt like he was coming late to a conversation. “I don’t understand. Eddie, it was your choice to leave.”

“How could I stay without her?”

As if he was underwater and finally struggling to the surface, the pieces fell into place. Jim was silent for several heartbeats before finding his voice. “Ann? You and Ann?” His mind spun, and he felt unbearably foolish. Had he really paid such little attention? He dropped the glass and bottle, and they thudded on the grass.

Eddie jabbed a finger at his own chest. “
I
loved her. More than anything. More than you ever did. Ever would. But she wouldn’t leave you. No matter what you did to her.”

Jim’s face flamed, and he had to look away.

“Jim would never have hurt her,” Cal gritted out.

Eddie’s laugh was harsh. “That’s what she said. That it was an accident. Always making excuses.”

Jim swallowed thickly. “It was a nightmare. I lashed out. I wasn’t in my right mind.” He cringed at the memory of waking to Ann trembling beside him, her eyes wide, holding her palm to her tear-streaked face. The terrible bruise that marred her pale cheek in the morning. “I never meant to hit her. To hurt her.” He chanced a glance at Cal.

Cal watched him with soft eyes. “Of course you didn’t.”

Eddie snorted. “I see you’re the same. Making excuses. When her mother visited I hoped she’d talk some sense into Ann. But it always came back to the children. She wouldn’t leave them. Knew she’d never be able to take them away from you, even though—” He broke off.

“What?” A terrible thought whipped through Jim’s mind, and his stomach lurched. “You and Ann… Is Adam…? No, Adam is my son.” He wouldn’t let himself make it a question. “He’s mine.”

Something flickered across Eddie’s face. Regret? “Yes. He’s yours. She ended it with me the minute she got the letter saying you were on your way home. You were here a week later.”

Relief flooded Jim. If Adam hadn’t been his… He couldn’t bear to think of it.

“How noble,” Cal muttered.

Eddie clenched his jaw. “She was a good woman. But she was lonely. We didn’t plan on it, believe me.” He looked at Jim. “She didn’t betray you easily. I never thought she’d love me back. I was happy just to be near her. To help her any way I could. But she needed something more than a friend. She said—”

“What?” Jim’s voice was hoarse. “What did she say?”

“Even before the war, you know it wasn’t right between you.”

Jim swallowed roughly. “I know.” He thought of Ann, good and kind, yearning for something he could never give her. The words scraped out of his throat. “I don’t blame her.”

It was silent but for the crickets and Trixie’s nickering from the paddock. In the distance, Finnigan barked.

Then, Eddie’s anger seemed to drain away. His shoulders slumped, and he sounded weary. “I know it was wrong. I should have left when you came back. But even if I couldn’t have her, at least I could be near. At least I’d have something.” He shook his head. “But there’s only so long you can go, being close to the person you love without having them.”

The heat of Cal’s stare flushed Jim’s cheek. He waited for Eddie to go on.

“I begged her to run away with me.” Eddie ran a hand through his hair. “I know it was wrong, but I was desperate. She would never leave her children. She knew there was no way you’d give them up. But it got harder and harder, and that night, I—”

Eddie took a ragged breath. He stared off into the distance as if he was watching it unfold. “You were asleep, and we argued. I told her I was leaving. For good. Got in my truck and drove away. Didn’t even make it to the end of the lane before I knew I was coming back the next day. I would never have really left her.”

“But she followed you,” Cal said quietly.

Eddie nodded. “If I’d come back right away, she never would have gotten in the car. Or I’d have found her in the ditch. Instead she died out there. Alone. I could have saved her.” Tears glistened in his eyes. “I should have saved her.”

“It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.” Jim glanced at Cal. “Some things we just can’t prevent, no matter how hard we try.”

“I should go.” Eddie closed his eyes briefly. “I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know what I expected. It’s not as if anything will bring her back. I thought I could outgun it. That if I ran and didn’t stop, it couldn’t catch me. I went all the way out to California. To the edge of the ocean. But she was still just as gone there as she is here.”

Jim ached to hear Eddie talk of it. He’d never loved Ann that way. But he shuddered to think of what he’d do if anything happened to Cal. There would be no place far enough to escape. He wanted to take Cal’s hand right then and there and squeeze tight.

Eddie squared his shoulders. “I guess I needed to come back before I could finally move on. I’m sorry, Jim. I know you must hate me for what I’ve done.”

“I don’t hate you.”

Eddie blinked. “You don’t? How’s that?”

“We can’t change the past. We can only go on and do our best.”

Cal smiled softly. “Sounds like a good plan to me.”

“This was your home, Eddie. You’re always welcome here.” Jim extended his hand.

Eddie swallowed thickly and clasped Jim’s palm. “Thank you.” He glanced at the house. “Can I tell them goodbye this time?”

Jim nodded. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

With a sad lift of his lips, Eddie walked away, and Jim leaned against the fence. He and Cal didn’t say anything as the minutes ticked by. When Eddie left the house, he climbed into his truck with a final wave.

Jim watched the taillights disappear. The rumble of the engine faded away until there was only the crisp breeze rustling the drying leaves, and Cal’s warmth at his side.

Pink, red, and orange reflected off the scattered streaks of cloud as the sun disappeared beyond the waves. Cal inhaled the salty air. The troop ship cut through the sea cleanly.

Wiping sleep from his eyes, Jim joined Cal at the railing. Cal nudged him. “You almost missed the sunset.”

Jim was still groggy, but he returned the smile. “Guess I needed that nap.”

“Guess so. That’s the whole point of sending us home, right? We need all the rest we can get.”

Cal tried to ignore the worry nagging him. Even though the battle for Okinawa was over and they’d been rotated home, Jim wasn’t back to normal. Not that Cal knew what normal was now. They were all utterly exhausted and shell shocked. Haunted by the things they wished they could forget.

But Jim slept day and night, refusing to come ashore when they were given leave in Hawaii. Cal had hoped Jim would begin to come around as they left the fear of having to invade Japan—and the carnage that would mean—behind. But Jim rarely roused himself from his rack. He hardly shaved and only wanted to sleep. When he did, he often screamed and whimpered from nightmares, lashing out blindly when Cal shook him awake.

Jim stared at the sea. “Do you think we’ll have to come back?”

“God, I hope not. With the war over in Europe, the Japs have to know they can’t win. Not with all the Allied forces turning their attention to the Pacific.”

Jim’s voice was flat. “I don’t think they’ll ever surrender.”

Cal gave him another nudge. “Come on, let’s get some grub. Just think, before too long we’ll see California on that horizon. We can’t worry about what’ll come down the road. It’ll come either way.”

Jim nodded, and they headed down to the mess hall and got into line. They’d just picked up their trays when the loudspeaker crackled.

“Attention. This is the captain.”

The chattering ceased as the men froze. Cal prayed fervently that it would be good news.

“On the sixth of August, American forces dropped an atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima. The destruction and loss of life has been great. We await further news, and will pass it on when it comes through. At ease.”

The speakers went silent, and the men stared at each other for several stunned moments. Then a murmur swelled.

Jim shook his head. “My God. The atomic bomb.”

“If this doesn’t make them surrender, I don’t know what will,” Cal said. “Must be a lot of civilians dead, hitting a city.” He shuddered. Yet to his shame, the greatest emotion he felt bubbling to the surface was relief.