Seven Days: The Complete Story (36 page)

“Then let me
go. Let me have this night, then let me go. It’s for the best.”

*****

That night
Joel and I break the rule we made for ourselves. We make love
without Nicholas. It’s silent and deep and I cry through most of it
because I know it signifies the end. We began this way and this is
how we end. Like Joel, I’m truly done in when it’s over and though
I try not to because I want to snatch every minute I can, I fall
asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm cradling me. I have
never felt so much love.

When I wake
three hours later, ravenous and ready for my pizza dinner, the bed
is empty on one side.

His bags are
no longer stacked beside mine at the door.

He’s gone.

(Seven Days
Part 4)

The days after
Joel leaves are well, nothing. The days are empty and bland and
though Nicholas and I know we should be happy, it feels flat.
Lifeless. It’s like Joel has taken the sunshine with him and left
us only clouds. It’s shit really.

For the first
week Nicholas and I base ourselves in Rome. We travel around seeing
the sights, taking in the gob smacking beauty of The Vatican,
imagining the sixty thousand or so people packed into the Colosseum
to watch gladiators fight lions. I post constant selfies of us on
Facebook in the hope Joel will respond, but he’s conspicuously
absent. He’s severed all ties with the world. We have no clue as to
where he’s gone. I hate him for that. I hate him for taking away my
freedom to choose, though I know what he did was right. He knew I
would never have chosen to be with only Nicholas, that I was simply
too weak to give him up. I still hate him though. In fact, if he
was here right now, I’d punch him. I would.

During the
week in Italy, Nicholas and I ride the red tourist bus. I have the
most awesome time but it’s not the same. I can’t seem to muster
enthusiasm without Joel. I miss rolling over to see him grinning at
me when I wake in the morning. I miss how his hair looks all shaggy
against the pillow. I miss the way he waggles his eyebrows at me
and says dirty things. I miss his smell and his jokes, his bawdy
innuendos. I was
soooo
looking forward to his commentary on
ancient naked statues and now I’ll never hear it. I even miss his
silly attempts at romance.

The worst
thing, though, is that Nicholas is feeling Joel’s departure, too.
Probably more than me. That makes me dreadfully unhappy. On more
than one occasion Nicholas has remarked how Joel would have
appreciated a certain thing. He’s ordered a drink for Joel,
forgetting he isn’t here and then had to drink it. I see the
defeated look in Nicholas’ eyes when he doesn’t realise I’m
watching him. I see the effort it takes for him to put on the
cheerful front, the worry gracing his beautiful face when he
sleeps. I understand what it’s like to lose your best friend but
for Nicholas, the pain appears doubly bad. Since Joel’s been gone,
Nicholas has stopped taking photos of buildings. It’s as if the
inspiration has been sucked from him. He gives me information but
it’s like he’s my personal tour guide, not my lover. Our
relationship has moved into this strange new world where we’re both
grieving and I have no idea how to make this better.

On the last
night of our holiday, Nicholas and I sit in an alfresco café in the
piazza in Malaga, eating tapas and drinking wine. Well, Nicholas is
drinking wine. A lot of it. Being smashed seems to be the only way
he can cope with the fact he has to sleep in the same bed as me
every night. I’m beginning to think he’s only with me because of
the baby, that he doesn’t want me if Joel isn’t around. He’s
blaming me for Joel’s leaving. I can feel it. He hasn’t touched me
since Joel’s departure. Perhaps he thinks he’s cheating if he has
sex with me? Or he’s worried he’ll harm the baby. Either way, I
don’t like it. The pregnancy is making me as horny as hell and if
he shrugs me off one more time I’m going to have to resort to using
my hand.

Ha. He
wouldn’t say no to watching that.

Earlier today,
Nicholas and I spent the hours gazing at Picasso paintings. I never
dreamed I’d be standing in front of
Woman With a Green
Collar
, admiring every tiny brush stroke that can’t be captured
in a photo. So mental. And to see Picasso’s journals, watch the
pages flick over to show the development of each piece in the
artist’s mind. That was truly awesome.

In the
afternoon Nicholas and I traipsed up the stairs of Castillo De
Gibralfaro where we gave money to a busker singing
Hotel
California
in Spanish. We held hands and Nicholas kissed me
under the arch of a thousand year old doorway. We cuddled and
admired the view as if we were a normal couple in love. But I don’t
feel normal. I feel lost and lonely. I wish I could drown my
sorrows in a vat of tequila. Anything to dull this ache I have
inside me, the one that is begging Joel to come back.

I look across
the table to where Nicholas is fiddling with his phone, his dinner
forgotten. The evening is getting cooler and he’s slipped the
jumper he had tied around his waist over his chest. He’s so
handsome and manly, this father of my baby. I am so lucky to have
him. But he’s been quieter than ever this evening and I know he’s
thinking about Joel. Hearing that busker sing brought home how much
we miss him. Again. Joel would have joined in and sang along. He
would have done it with a funny accent. I have to find a way to
bring Nicholas back to me. If I don’t our relationship is
doomed.

Why can’t he
move past this? I’m trying, why can’t he?

Deciding I’ve
had enough, I take the phone from Nicholas’ hand, placing it on the
table between us.

“No messages?”
I ask.

Nicholas
shakes his head but says nothing.

“I think maybe
you should give it a rest. He’ll call us when he’s ready.” I don’t
know how I know this but it’s the only thing I can think of that
might give Nicholas a degree of peace.

His mouth
twists with indecision. “I guess so. I wish he’d let me know where
he is. I feel so fucking guilty, Sadie. This is all my fault.”

Well, at least
he doesn’t think it’s mine. That’s one small mercy. I cover my hand
with his, my fingers play on the soft skin of his knuckles. I
implore him with my eyes. “It’s nobody’s fault. It happened. And
it’s not like we forced Joel to go, he made the choice himself. He
made a sacrifice for
us
, to give you and me and our baby a
chance at a normal life. Don’t you think we owe it to Joel to give
this the best shot we can, Nicholas? Otherwise his leaving was for
nothing. He might as well have stayed.”

“He’d be
pissed off if he knew he’d stepped aside for nothing. He loved you
more than the world, Sadie.”

“I loved him
too. I’ll always love him, but he did this for
us
. We have
to try and make our relationship work without him. We can’t sit
around like a couple of sad losers when this might be the one time
in our lives we have a chance at love. We can’t fuck this up,
Nicholas. We can’t. I love you. Don’t you love me? Don’t you
remember how we felt about each other before Joel entered the
equation?”

Nicholas turns
my hand over and laces his fingers through mine. He stares at them
for the longest time. When he looks up his eyes appeared to have
changed. It’s like he heard my silent pleas. “Don’t ever think I
don’t love you, Sadie. I adore the ground you walk on. I love you
so much I physically ache when we’re separated. I feel giddy when
I’m with you. I never knew it was possible to have so much love for
one human being as I do for you.”

“Then stop
being such a baby about this. We’re meant to be enjoying
ourselves.”

“I’ve behaved
like a shit, haven’t I? I’ve spoilt the holiday. And I haven’t
considered how you must be feeling. It’s such a fuck up. Can you
forgive me?” He blinks slowly, his eyes never leaving mine.

God, as if I’m
going to say no.

I pout,
feigning the annoyance that’s subsided as rapidly as it
appeared.

“I can make it
worth your while,” he adds, tickling my palm.

A shot of
desire shoots straight into my belly. Suddenly, I’m melting like
never before. I hate that he can do that to me. I’m so weak around
him. And being pregnant only seems to intensify my responses.
“
Hmmm
. I don’t know.”

“Foot rubs for
a week?”

“Not
enough.”

“I’ll cook you
two-minute noodles and Pop Tarts for breakfast.”

Whoa. Big
concession there. Nicholas is definitely my
muesli-and-eggs-healthy-breakfast guy.

“Maybe.”

“I’ll go down
on you till you scream.”

I give him a
look. “You do that already.”

Now he smiles.
It’s that irresistible smile that leaves me quivering with longing
every time, the one that goes deep into his eyes and my heart. “How
about a dance?”

Now where did
that come from? Nicholas is not a dancer. Not unless copious
amounts of tequila have been consumed. Then, he’s positively filthy
on the dance floor. Just the way I like it.

“Deal.”

I stand and
Nicholas leads me onto the makeshift dance floor in the centre of
the cobblestone piazza. Above us, strings of colourful lights
twinkle under the perfect starry sky. Scarlet coloured geraniums
hanging from window boxes around the square dance in the breeze.
Beside us other couples sway, their eyes closed. It’s massively
romantic. I wrap my arms about Nicholas’ neck, pressing my body to
his. We move in sync with the gentle rhythm of the music. Nicholas
drops his cheek to rest on my head. He hugs me closer. His chest
presses to mine. His fingers caress me like he never wants to let
me go.

“I love you,
Sadie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re my
everything. Never forget that,” he whispers, dropping a kiss on
each side of my nose before landing a third on my expectant lips.
He’s being so sweet, so perfect, like the Nicholas I fell for all
those months ago.

“I can’t
imagine my life if I’d never met you,” I say. The words choke in my
throat. I think I’m going to cry.

“
I
can’t believe you’re going to be the mother of my baby. I’m the
luckiest guy on Earth.”

“I feel lucky
too. I’m here. I’m living my dream. With you. I miss Joel every day
but it’s not as if I’m alone. I have you. We have each other and we
can get through this and make something new and special together.
With our baby. Please love me, Nicholas. I need you to love only
me.”

“It’s only
ever been you. And now I’ll have another little piece of you to
love as well.”

That’s all I
needed to hear.

Later that
night, for the first time since Joel went, Nicholas and I make love
without the third member of our little gang. It’s different and
it’s beautiful and as he moves inside me, I remember the love
Nicholas and I have for each other. I remember the day on the beach
when we met and the connection we had. I remember the first time he
kissed me, how he begged me to choose him over Joel, how all he
ever wanted was for me to stay. I remember our attraction. It was
stronger than anything I’d felt for anyone, ever and now because of
what we’ve shared it feels stronger. We can make this work without
Joel. We can.

It’s weird
without Joel. Nicholas and I arrive home and the house seems
strangely empty without his boisterous laugh. We decide to turn my
room into the nursery so I move my things into Nicholas’ room and
take over part of his walk-in-wardrobe. I choose a side of the bed
and pile up the books I like to read before I go to sleep. I
organise the cleaning of the house and buying of groceries, now
it’s decided I won’t take the job I was offered for the time being
but will stay home with our baby. It’s very domesticated and sort
of surreal. Because I never thought this would be me cooking
dinner. Never in a million freaking years did I think this would be
me and that I’d be happy without being driven to be the best.

As the days
turn into one month and then two, we settle into a happy routine.
Sometimes Nicholas brings me flowers after work. He buys me
trinkets and gives me a copy of his credit card so I can pay the
bills. He asks my opinion on plans and takes me on tours of new
projects. Often, I meet him and the rest of the Hardwick &
Lawson team for after work drinks. Nobody mentions Joel’s absence
and they don’t seem to think it’s strange that Nicholas and I have
suddenly become a couple. Nobody comments that we’re like loved up
teenagers who can’t keep our hands off each other. They smile
indulgently and tell me how lovely it is to see Nicholas has
finally found the one who makes him complete. It’s almost as if
Joel was never a part of the relationship.

Until we get
to the bedroom that is.

Not that I’m
complaining about anything Nicholas does in the bedroom, but sex
without Joel is a whole new beast now that Nicholas has been
reassured by our doctor that it’s safe. He wants me constantly and
in every way possible. He takes me on the floor, against the wall,
in the shower. It’s almost as if he was holding back his true
emotions while Joel was around. And when he’s in me, fucking me so
hard I can barely speak, it’s like my wildest fantasy come true.
Why the hell would I complain about that?

On the day
that marks twenty weeks of my pregnancy, Nicholas and I go for an
ultrasound scan. This is the first time he’s been able to come so
we’re both super excited. Nicholas has been insanely busy with Iris
the last month. Joel’s absence means he’s had to project manage and
be a builder and he’s been at the site office so much the only way
I get to see him is if I go there. He’s not complaining about it
yet. I know he’s tired and sometimes there are shadows under his
eyes yet he has this look of exhilaration I haven’t seen for
months. He’s like the Nicholas I met at the beach that day, the one
who loved life and everything about it.