Seven Nights with Her Ex (2 page)

You broke her heart.

You never told her why.

You deserve to suffer for what you did.

And he
had
suffered. Hadn't he?

If only she knew how much he longed to go back and change what happened. If only she knew how much he'd hated himself for walking away, knowing what it would do to her but unable to explain why. If only she knew of how many nights he'd lain awake, thinking of how he could put right that wrong...

But how to explain? It was easy to imagine saying it, but actually having her here, right in front of him... All those things he wanted to say just stuck in his throat. She'd think they were excuses. Not good enough. Was she even in the right frame of mind to want to talk to him?

Beau had turned her back. Begun talking to another hiker. Claire, he thought she'd said her name was.

He took a hesitant step forward, then stopped, his throat feeling tight and painful. He wouldn't be able to speak right now if he tried. She clearly wanted nothing to do with him. She was ignoring him. Spurning him.

I deserve it.

Other people in the room were milling about. Mixing, being friendly. Introducing themselves to each other. Gray allowed himself to fall into the crowd. Tried to join in. But his gaze kept tracking back to her.

She still looked amazing. Her beautiful red hair was a little longer than he recalled, wavier, too. She'd lost some weight. There were angles now where once there'd been curves, and the lines around her eyes spoke of strain and stress rather than laughter.

Was she happy in life? He hoped that she was. He knew she was successful. Her name had been mentioned in a few case meetings at work. He'd even suggested her once for a family member of an old patient. His own work in cardiology didn't often give him reason to work with neurology, but he'd kept his ears open in regard to her. Keen to know that she was doing okay.

And she was. Though she had to have worked hard to have got where she had. So had he.

He watched from a distance as she mingled with the others, placing himself in direct opposition to her as she moved. The room was a mass of backpacks, hiking boots, men slapping each other on the back or heartily shaking each other's hands as they listed their posts and achievements to each other. Two women at the back of the room sat next to each other, their backpacks on the floor as they sipped at steaming cardboard cups. The last taste of civilisation before they hit the wilds of America.

But all Gray could concentrate on now was Beau. And his own overwhelming feelings of regret.

Would simple words of apology be enough?

Would telling her about the many times he'd picked up the phone and dialled her number even be adequate? Considering that he'd never followed through? He had always cancelled the call before she'd had a chance to answer. And all the emails he had sitting in his ‘Drafts' folder, addressed to her, in which he'd struggled and failed each time to find the right words... The times he'd booked to go to the same medical conference as her, hoping to ‘accidentally' bump into her, but had then cancelled...

She'd just call me a coward. She'd be right.

He had been afraid. Afraid of stirring up old hurts. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid of hurting her more than he already had...

Time had kept passing. And with each and every day that came and went, it had become more and more difficult to make that contact.

What would have been the point? He could hardly expect forgiveness. Or reconciliation. An apology would mean nothing now. He'd broken things so irrevocably between them. How could he fix them now? He had nothing to offer her. Not then and certainly not now. He was broken himself. And even though he'd known that, years ago, he'd still asked her to marry him! He'd forgotten himself and what he actually was in the madness of a moment when he'd felt so happy. He'd believed anything was possible—got carried away on the
possibility
of love.

But he didn't expect her to understand that. They'd come from two separate worlds and she'd known nothing of his family life. Of what it was like. He'd deliberately kept her away from his poisonous family. Kept her at a safe distance because she was so pure, so joyful, so full of life, believing in happy-ever-after.

She still wasn't married. And that puzzled him. It had been all she'd ever wanted back then. Marriage. And children. It was what she had thought would complete her. After all, she'd said yes to his proposal and then just weeks later had started talking about children.

That was too much. That smacked the reality right back into me.

That was when the full force of not having thought through what he'd done had come to the fore. That was when he'd realised he couldn't go through with it.

For a man who was an expert in hearts, he'd sure been careless with hers.

And it had almost killed him to know that he was doing it.

* * *

The tea wasn't great. But she kept sipping it, swapping hands as the heat from the boiling hot water burned through the thin cardboard cup.

She was beginning to get over the shock and was now feeling calmer. She could even picture in her mind's eye dealing with him quite calmly and nonchalantly if he decided to speak to her. She'd be cool, uninterested, dismissive.

That would hurt him.

Because Gray liked to be the centre of attention, didn't he? That was why he'd done all that crazy adrenaline-junkie stuff. He'd passed it off as doing something for charity, but even then he'd wanted people to notice him, to say he was amazing or brave. That was why he'd done Ironman competitions, bungee jumps, climbed mountains and jumped out of planes.
With
a parachute, unfortunately.

He had always succeeded. People had
always
clapped him on the back and told him he was a great guy and he'd thrived on that. Had lived for that, doing more crazy things despite her always begging him not to. Had he listened? No.

So her ignoring him? Choosing not to notice him? That would have to sting a little.

Gray was an attractive man. Usually the most attractive man in a room. And he wasn't just a pretty face, but a brilliant cardiologist, too—getting his papers published in the most prestigious medical journals, trying out new award-winning surgeries, being the toast of the town.

He could at least have had the decency to fail at
something
.

And not once had he called, or apologised, or explained. Even his family hadn't had a clue—not that they'd spoken much to her. Even
before
the wedding. Perhaps that had been a clue?

Beau risked a quick glance at him, feeling all the old hurts, all the old pains, all the grief that she'd tried so unsuccessfully to pack away come pouring out as if they'd had the bandages ripped from them, exposing her sore, festering wounds.

She swallowed hard and looked away.

I will
not
let him see what he's doing to me!

A rage she had never before experienced boiled over inside her and she suddenly felt nauseous with the force of it. She turned away from him, her hand trembling, and took another sip of her tea. Then another. And another. Until her stomach calmed and her hand grew more steady.

She let out a breath, feeling her brain frazzled with a million thoughts and emotions.

This course was meant to be an enjoyable busman's holiday for her. Could she do it with him here?

There's thirteen of us, including the guide. Surely I can just stay out of Gray's way?

Beau had been looking forward to this adventure for ages. This was the moment her career and her life would take another direction and lead her to places she had never dared to go.

She'd thought about it carefully. Planned it like a military exercise. She'd excelled in her hospital work and was top of her game in neurology. Other neurologists who felt they could do no more to help their patients would suggest
her
as the patient's next course of action. She was very often someone's last chance at life.

And she excelled, knowing that. She lived for it. The staying up late, the research, the practice, the robotic assistance that she sometimes employed, the long,
long
and challenging surgeries. The eye for detail. The precision of her work.

Awards lined her office walls at home in Oxfordshire. Commendations, merits, honorary degrees. They were all there. But this...

This
was what she craved. A week of living by her wits, experiencing medicine in the wild, using basic kit to attend to fractures, altitude sickness, tissue injuries, whilst hiking through some of the most stunning scenery on the planet.

Forget technology—forget the latest medical advancements. There would be no security blanket here. No modern hospital, no equipment apart from a few basics carried in a first aid kit and what she could find around her.

It was perfect.

Even if
he
was here.

High grey-white mountains, lush expanses of sweeping green and purple, firs and shrubs, thickets of trees hiding streams and geysers. It was a vast emptiness, an untamed wilderness in all its glory, and
she
would try to beat it. No. Not beat it. Work
with
it, around it, adapt it to her needs so she could succeed and get another certificate for her wall. Another trophy so that she could think about applying for Base Camp, Everest. So she could work at the hospital there.

That small medical tent, perched on the base of one of the world's greatest wonders—that was her real aim. Her next anticipated accomplishment.

And there was no way she was going to let all that be ruined by the one man she'd once stupidly fallen in love with and given her heart to. The one man who had broken her into a million pieces. Pieces she still often felt she was still picking up.

She was still trying to prove to the world that she
did
have value. That she was the best choice. The only choice. His rejection of her had made her a driven woman. Driven to succeed at everything. To prove that he'd made a mistake in his choice of leaving her behind. To prove her worth.

Because I'm worth more than you, Gray. And I'll prove it to you.

* * *

‘Yellowstone National Park is a vast natural preserve, filled with an ecosystem and diverse wildlife that, if you're not careful, is designed to kill you.'

Mack, the ranger leading their group, tried to make eye contact with each person standing in the room.

‘There is danger in the beauty of this place, and too many people forget that when they come here and head off-trail. They're so in awe of the mountains, or the steaming hot geysers, or the dreamlike beauty of a wild wolf pack loping across the plains, that they forget to be
careful
. To look where they're going. We are going to be traversing land millions of years old, trying to be at one with nature, but most of all we are here to learn how to look after one another with the minimum of resources. Yes, this could be done in a classroom, but...' he paused to smile ‘...where would be the fun in that?'

There was some laughter, and Gray noticed Beau smile. It was exactly the way he remembered it, lighting up her blue eyes.

‘Each of you will be issued with a standard first aid kit. When you receive it, you need to check it. Make sure it's all there. That's
your
responsibility. Then we're going to buddy up. The buddy system works well. It ensures that no one on this adventure goes anywhere in the park alone and that there is always someone watching your back.'

The likelihood of Gray being paired up with Beau was remote. And he certainly wasn't sure if it was something he wanted. But he caught her glancing in his general direction and wondered if she'd thought the same thing. Probably.

Mack continued. ‘Today we're going to be hiking twelve miles across some rough terrain to reach the first scenario, where we will be dealing with soft tissue injuries. These are some of the most common injuries we see as rangers, here or at the medical centres, and we need to know what to do when we have nothing to clean a wound or any useful sterile equipment. Now, one final thing before we buddy up... We will
not
be alone in this park. There are wild animals that we're all going to have to learn to respect and get along with or stay out of their way. I'm sure you all know we've got wolves and grizzlies here. But there are also black bears, moose, bobcats and elk, and the one animal that injures visitors more than bears...the American bison.'

He looked around the room, his face serious.

‘You see one of those bad boys...' he pointed at a poster on the wall behind him ‘...with his tail lifted, then you know he's going to charge. Keep your distance from the herds. Stay safe.'

Gray nodded. It wasn't just bison he'd have to watch out for, but Beau, too. She didn't have horns to gore him with, but she certainly looked at him as if she wanted him dead.

She was angry with him, and for good reason. He had walked away from their wedding and it had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Knowing that she would be left with the fallout from his decision. Knowing that he was walking away from the one woman who'd loved him utterly and completely.

But life had been difficult for him back then, and there was a lot that Beau didn't know. All she'd seen—all he'd
allowed
her to see—was the happy-go-lucky, carefree Gray. The cheeky Scot. But the man she'd fallen in love with hadn't existed. Not really. It had been a front to hide the horrible atmosphere at his home, the problems within his own family: his father's drinking, his mother's depression, the constant fights...

Gray's parents had
hated
each other.
Resented
each other. His mother had been trapped by duty with a man she detested. With a man who had suffered a tragic paralysing accident on the
actual day
she'd decided to pack her bags and leave him.