Seven Nights with Her Ex (10 page)

Now Beau knew about his leg. He'd tried his hardest to hide it from her, feeling a little foolish about it at first, but now he'd come clean and she wasn't fazed at all.

But I still feel incomplete. Is it just my leg? Or is something else bothering me?

If he'd ever felt he might stand another chance with her, that feeling had died when he'd fallen from that cliff and lost that part of his leg. It had been a physical manifestation of the fact that he wasn't whole. That he wasn't the complete package. That he couldn't offer her what she wanted from life. And that realisation still hurt like hell. He might have a new bionic foot and ankle, capable of coping with any terrain thrown at it, but what about
him
? What could
he
cope with?

Beau had meant everything to him. She'd made his heart sing and he'd been able to forget all the drama and misery of his own home when he'd been with her. She had brought him comfort and repose. A soft place to fall.
She
had been his home.

But he'd ruined it. That tiny slip, that tiny lapse of concentration, and he'd blurted out the one question he'd never thought he'd ask...
Will you marry me?

It had changed everything. Turned his happiness upside down, put a deadline on his joy. No, not a deadline—
a death sentence
. Marriage would have killed who they were. Their happiness at being in each other's presence would slowly have been eroded and familiarity would have bred contempt. Living in each other's pockets would have caused them to seek time apart, space from one another, just so they could breathe again. They would have grown to dread being in each other's company, started to hate the way they ate their food, the way they fought about who wanted to go out and who wanted to stay in, whether they squeezed the toothpaste tube right...
Every tiny thing
would have been used as a stone to throw at the other.

He'd lived it. He'd seen it. Been stuck in the middle of two warring factions—both sides of which he loved for different reasons, both sides of which he stayed away from for the same reasons...

It was a fact that children imitated their parents. Gray might try not to be like them, but he was sure little things would sneak through. Sure, he might just have little quirks that at first Beau would find amusing, and then irritating, and then soon she'd be so opposed to them she would threaten to leave him unless he changed his ways...

Marriage was only possible for people who knew what they were doing. Who were emotionally available. Who had the strength to get through it. But for him and Beau...?
No.
He was damaged goods. He'd been broken before they'd even got started.

He knew he should have spoken to her earlier, but she'd seemed so happy, so confident in their happiness. Had he been wrong to try to let her be happy for as long as she could? Not to decimate her dreams? She'd even started talking about how after the wedding she would come off birth control so they could try for a child straight away...

That
had been terrifying. Being responsible for bringing another child into another potential battleground? No. He couldn't do it. He'd
been
that child and look at what it had done to him.

The problem was whether Beau would understand all this. Her world was perfect, and her parents—the strangest couple in the world, who actually seemed still to
love
each other after many years—had been a different example entirely. There were no broken marriages, as far as he knew, on her side of the family, so
some
people got it right, but...

Beau was in the dark regarding his experience. She couldn't possibly know how he felt about marriage. The fear it engendered in him. That pressure to get it right when he had no idea how.

When everyone had finished eating, he volunteered to wash the dishes in the river and noticed after a few minutes that Beau had joined him.

‘Hi,' she ventured.

He glanced at her—at the way her beautiful wavy hair tumbled around her shoulders, at the way her eyes glinted in the evening sunshine. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever met. And then some.

‘Hi.'

‘Want a hand?'

‘I've got two of those, thanks. Do you have a foot handy?' He laughed gruffly at his own joke and carried on swirling the dishes in the crystal-clear running water.

‘Only my own. I don't think you'd want one of them—they've got sparkly pink nail varnish on the toenails. But I'd give it to you if you needed it.'

She took the dishes from him as he finished and began wiping them with a towel.

‘You never know. My prosthetic has got all the latest tricks and flicks, but it doesn't have sparkly pink nail polish. I think that may be the latest upgrade it needs.'

She smiled at him. ‘You know, I've been thinking about your accident...'

He paused briefly from his washing. ‘Oh?'

‘Just wondering who...who supported you through all that.'

‘I got myself through it.'

‘What about your family?'

He shrugged. He'd refused to lean on them for any kind of support. ‘Well...'

‘Did you tell them?'

‘Not at first...'

‘But they
do
know?'

‘They do now. I told them after it was all over. Once I'd healed.'

‘Why didn't you tell them?'

He shifted his stance, switching his weight from one foot to the other. ‘We aren't that close. Never were. And my mother had enough to do, looking after my dad, so...' He trailed off, not wanting to say more. He'd always protected her from the reality of his family and it was a hard habit to break.

‘You know, one day you're going to have to tell me. I'm not going to let this rest.'

He nodded. ‘I know. When I'm ready.'

Beau gazed at him and smiled. ‘I can wait.'

Perhaps she was nearly ready to listen? He let his fingers squeeze hers, acknowledging her support. For a moment he couldn't speak. He was so taken aback that she was saying these nice things. They'd both certainly come a long way in the last few days.

‘And, you know...apart from the fact that you've got a body part that will
never
wear out...you'll make a cracking pirate if you choose to put a wooden peg in its place!'

He smiled. ‘Of
course
! Stupid me for not seeing the best of my situation.'

‘Well, you've always been guilty of
that
, Gray.'

His smile dropped. ‘What do you mean?'

She looked up at him, startled by his reaction, realising she'd said more than she should. She'd answered too quickly. Without thinking.

‘Erm...I don't know... Forget it.'

‘No. You meant something when you said that—what did you mean?'

Beau looked uneasy, shifting her eyes away from his. ‘Just that...back then...well...you had
me
, Gray.'

Her gaze came back to his, slamming into him with a force that almost knocked him off his feet.

‘I thought we were happy together. That we had something special. That our love was stronger than anything else!'

The tears beginning to run from her eyes were real. Knowing that he was still causing her pain almost ripped him in two.

He cradled her hands against his chest. ‘It
was
!'

She shook her head. ‘No, it wasn't. You didn't love me enough—you let your doubt, or whatever it was, tell you to abandon me. Leave me. Without a word. Not a
single
word!'

‘Beau—'

‘I wasn't enough for you. Our
love
wasn't enough. You focused on something else. Something that tore you away from me. And do you know how that made me feel?
Worthless!
'

He pulled her towards him, into his arms, pressing her against his chest, hoping to dry her tears, hoping to show her that she could never be worthless to him. But feeling her against him, feeling her cry, woke something in him that he'd buried deeply. Buried so far down he'd thought it could never be found again. He'd found it now, though, and it had him in its grip.

He pulled back to look at her, to make her look him in the eyes, so that he could tell her that she was the most important person who had
ever
been in his life...

But as soon as his eyes locked with hers, he was mesmerised. Her shimmering sapphire eyes were staring back at him with such pain in them that he felt compelled to take that pain away, and before he knew what he was doing—before he had a chance to think twice—he lowered his lips to hers and kissed her.

It was like dropping a lit taper into a fireworks factory. There was a moment of shock, of disbelief and wonder at what he was doing, and then—
boom!
He lost control. All those years of being without her, all those years of never allowing himself to
feel
, came crashing down and his body sprang to life. It was as if she was a life-giving force and this was the kiss of life.

His arms enveloped her and pressed her to him. He couldn't get enough of her. He
had
to feel her. All of her—against him. Her softness, her delicate frame was protected by him. Her lips were against his, and the way she gasped for air and breathed his name was like oxygen feeding his fire.

It could have become something else, something...
more
, but just as he thought he couldn't resist her, couldn't resist the desire to feel her flesh against his own, the others in the group started catcalling.

‘Get a room, you two!'

They broke apart and stared at each other, shock in their eyes, both of them not quite sure how that had happened.

Then Beau walked away, pulling open the flap to her tent and darting out of sight.

Gray gathered the dishes and took them back to camp, where he received many pats on the back from the other men and some raised eyebrows from Barb and Claire, whom he glanced at sheepishly.

‘Well, that explains a few things,' Barb said. ‘I
knew
there was something going on between you two. Feel better now?'

He didn't answer. He wasn't sure. The kiss had been amazing. More than amazing. But what was Beau thinking? She'd said some things... Had he made things worse? Had he made things better? Surely she wouldn't be in her tent if he'd helped in any way. He wondered if he should go and talk to her.

He glanced over at her tent, but Barb shook her head. ‘I'd leave her a while, if I were you. It looks like you woke something up between the pair of you and she needs time to get used to it.'

‘But shouldn't I—'

‘Give her space, Gray. You'll have more than enough time on the orienteering hike, alone together, to talk out any last wrinkles. For now, give her time to absorb what's happened.'

‘Shouldn't I at least go over and apologise?'

She cocked her head at him. ‘You're
sorry
about kissing a girl like that?'

He thought for a moment. ‘No.'

Barb grinned. ‘Good! The world would be a lot better if husbands kissed their wives like that a bit more, I can tell you. Con? You listening to this?'

‘Sure, honey.' Conrad, who was tending the campfire, turned and grinned at them both.

‘Pah! You old romantic! Anyway, if you ever kissed
me
like that, I think I'd drop dead from the shock—and I ain't ready to go yet.' She laughed. ‘But, Gray, listen to me—and listen good. You and Beau look like you have something special going on. Something deep that comes from
here
...' She pointed at her heart. ‘You don't let that go. Not ever. That kind of love is the stuff that gets you out of hot water.'

He frowned. ‘How do you mean?'

‘You don't need no old lady telling you how to live your life, but if I had one piece of advice to give you, it'd be to tell yourself every day just
why
you love that other person. What you're grateful for. What they do to make you feel loved and special. Because if you're busy focusing on the good stuff all the time, the bad times, well...they can seem a lot easier to get through.'

He nodded to Conrad by the fire. ‘Is that what you do?'

‘Sure is!' Barb leaned in, speaking in a mock whisper. ‘Or I'd have killed him already! The man could snore for America!'

Gray glanced over at Beau's tent.
Was
it as simple as that? Just thinking of the good things? Reminding yourself every day why you loved that person? Reliving moments like that kiss they'd just shared?
Could
it be that easy?

He didn't know. He wasn't sure he wanted to admit that it could, because if he did, then the pain he'd put them both through had been for nothing. If he believed that, then everything could have been avoided if only he'd had enough faith in his love for Beau being stronger than any day-to-day drudgery trying to ruin it all.

Did I ruin our lives because I didn't think I was strong enough? No. I thought I was protecting her. Protecting me. I couldn't bear the idea that she could ever hate me.

But hadn't that happened anyway?

Gray rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. Why couldn't this be easy? A case of two plus two equalling four? Why did life have to have so many twists and turns, dead ends and multi-car pile-ups?

He stared at the entrance to Beau's tent, willing her to come out.

CHAPTER SEVEN

T
HERE
WAS
ANOTHER
breakfast of porridge the next morning. Beau had suffered a long, uncomfortable night, having stayed in her tent for most of the previous evening, only coming out when Claire and Barb had called for her. She'd grabbed her toiletries bag and hurried away with them, her head downcast, ensuring she didn't make eye contact with Gray.

They'd kissed!

And she'd forgotten how wonderful kissing Gray had been. Her feelings had been all topsy-turvy, her heart hammering, her pulse pounding and her brain bamboozled and as fragile as a snowflake above a firepit as she'd fought to decide whether she should continue with it or fight him off. But it had been too delicious to stop.

I certainly didn't fight him off!

No. She'd breathed his name, gasped it, making those little noises in her throat that now made her feel so embarrassed as she thought of them. Had he heard her?
Of course he had!
He would have had to be deaf not to, and there was nothing wrong with his hearing. Or any of his other body parts...

She tried not to recall the sensation of him pressed hard against her.

And now I'm sitting here, around a campfire, eating porridge that's as difficult to swallow as week-old wallpaper paste, trying not to look up and catch his eye. What am I...? A mouse?

She gritted her teeth and looked up. He was opposite, talking to Mack in a low whisper, and by the way Gray was pointing at his leg, she assumed they were discussing his prosthetic. Or maybe the accident that had caused it? She supposed Mack must have known about the prosthetic beforehand. Health and safety—these were the all-important buzzwords everywhere these days. Surely Gray had
had
to declare it beforehand? He might not have been allowed on the course otherwise.

Gray glanced over and caught her gaze, smiled.

Quickly she looked away. This was going to be awkward. Today they would be splitting up into their pairs for the orienteering challenge, after one final lesson around the campfire with Mack. She and Gray would be alone together. Just the two of them. Hiking through Yellowstone to a pre-approved grid reference, where apparently there would be a checkpoint to collect supplies before they headed to another grid reference, where they would find the ranger station. They would have to talk. There would be no escape for either of them.

And we're hardly going to be able to get through it in silence, are we?

Silence would be nice after that kiss. Preferable, actually.

No, forget that. Not coming on this trip would have been preferable.

But she had. So had he. And they'd kissed. And it hadn't been one of those polite kisses you gave at family gatherings, either. That polite peck on the cheek for a family member you hadn't seen for a few months.

It had been hot. Passionate, searing, breathtaking, goosebump-causing...

He had to have felt something, too. A reawakening. A refiring of something that had once burned so hot. That
unfinished
feeling between them... That entwining of souls—the kind of feeling that was so intimate it touched your heart.

Beau knew she had to get a grip. Take control. Let Gray know that, yes, she acknowledged something had happened between them, but that was all it could be—
something
. An undefined moment. And there was no need to explore it further. She had to make it very clear that they should leave it alone and get on with finding their way back to civilisation, thank you very much.

The situation they were in was so intense. It was risky. People got close to each other in this kind of situation because that was what happened in a high-pressure moment. It created a false reality. And when life returned to normal afterwards, the feelings just weren't there...

He
had
to know that this didn't mean anything for them. She'd come on this course alone and, damn it, she was going to leave it alone, too. There would be no need for further contact. She wouldn't be exchanging telephone numbers or email addresses with him. He would go back to Edinburgh and she would return to Oxford and life would continue. Everything in its neat little box, the way it always had been. In
her
control.

The reason the kiss had happened in the first place was because the whole thing had got
out
of her control. This wasn't reality.

But something
had
changed between them, and she'd learnt more about him in the last few days than she'd ever known before. She knew that there was so much more to understand about her enigmatic ex-fiancé. And that wasn't all. Though she hated to admit it, her lips still tingled from his kiss.

Her senses had gone into overdrive since, and though she'd been huddled in her tent, preferring to believe that she'd caught some sort of strange disease and was suffering from a weird kind of fever, she'd been aware of exactly where Gray was outside her tent. Whenever he'd come close or walked by, she'd known. Whenever he'd spoken during that evening, she'd frozen, just so she could listen to what he said. Her body had ached for him.

Ached!

She hadn't wanted someone this badly since...

Since Gray.

If she could have, she would have groaned out loud, but instead she shoved in another spoonful of the dreadful porridge. She filled her mouth with the soft mush just to stop herself from crying out.

Are you kidding me?

She sat there, miserable in her silence, staring at Gray, all rumpled and tousled opposite her, wanting both to kiss him and beat her fists against his chest in equal measure.

* * *

‘Okay, everyone. Last-minute stuff before I send you off in your pairs out into the big, wide world. You remember what I said about the big animals in the park, yes?'

They all nodded.

‘Well, now you need to know about the smaller beasts. They may be lighter than a two-thousand-pound bison, but they can still knock you off your feet if you're not careful.'

‘Such as...?' asked Claire.

‘Snakes, for one. There have only been two recorded snakebites in this area, and your main culprit is the prairie rattlesnake. You'll find her in dry grasslands and the warmer river areas. You all know what a rattlesnake looks like? Sounds like?'

Again, they nodded sagely.

‘You hear that rattle—you head in the other direction. You give her a wide berth. Usually they rattle to warn you, before you get too close, but not always—so be on your lookout when you walk.'

‘Are they always on the ground?' asked Gray.

‘Mostly. But they have been known to climb trees, or rest in crevices between rocks, so always check your surroundings. There may be the rare occurrence of a snakebite, and a rattler bite will inject you with plenty of nasty stuff—hemotoxins that cause the destruction of tissue. If you don't have a reverse syringe handy—which you don't—you need to keep your patient calm and still, and wrap the affected limb tightly. Apply a splint and get yourselves some medical help as soon as possible.'

‘Shouldn't we attempt to suck out the poison with our mouths?'

‘Technically, it should be safe to suck out the venom if the person doing the sucking doesn't have an open wound in their mouth. Poisons only affect you if you swallow them. But we're not dealing with poison here—we're talking
venom
. Venom is toxic only when it's injected into the lovely soft tissues of the human body and its rich bloodstream. So if you suck out venom from a snakebite, you
should
be okay—but we don't advise it any more. My advice?
Don't do it.
The human mouth isn't that clean, either, and you're just as likely to introduce bacteria into the wound and do as much damage as the snake did.'

He looked at their sombre faces.

‘Walk with a stick when you're out in the wilds alone. You can tap the ground before you, and if there is something you've missed, the stick is more likely to get attacked before you.'

‘And that stick will come in handy for a river crossing—let's not forget!' said Conrad.

Everyone smiled and the sombre mood was lifted.

‘The next thing is stating the obvious—you need to keep an eye on your buddy. Heat exhaustion and dehydration can set in quickly. This time of year it's hot—you're sweating constantly and you'll need to keep up your fluid intake and stay out of the midday sun for as long as is possible. Beau, do you want to let people know the signs?'

She coloured, feeling Gray's eyes upon her, and her answer, when it came, was not given in her usually confident voice. ‘Erm...you might feel weak, thirsty. When you go to the loo, your urine might be only a little amount, deep in colour, or it might even hurt to try and pass water... Erm...'

Gray helped her out. ‘You might feel drowsy, tired, dizzy, disorientated. Faint when you try to stand. These are all signs of it getting worse. You must keep putting the fluids in, even if it means stopping to purify water. Water should be your top priority.'

Mack nodded. ‘Then there are the mosquitoes, the leeches, the spiders, the ticks. These could all just be minor irritants, but long-term might lead to other problems. Tick bites, especially, could lead to Lyme disease.'

‘Ooh, that's
nasty
. My cousin has that,' Barb said.

‘I know you've all got bug spray, and some of you have citronella. These are all good repellents, but you need to check each other at every stop for ticks. If you get one, don't just try to pull it out. You need to remove them by twisting them out with tweezers or proper tick removers.'

He smiled and stood up.

‘Right! Let's pack up camp, douse the fire, and then I'll hand out your coordinates and maps. You'll each be given a different route to follow, but we should all arrive at the ranger station by Heart Lake sometime tomorrow afternoon. When we do, you can all tell me how wonderful I've been whilst you sip real drinks and eat a proper meal. Sound good?'

They all cheered, and he nodded and headed over to his own tent, started to take down the guy ropes.

Beau helped Barb wash the breakfast dishes. ‘Are you nervous about heading into the wild with just you and Con?' she asked.

‘No. I know he'll look after me and I'll look after him.' She looked up at Beau. ‘You nervous?'

‘A bit.'

‘About the wildlife problem or the cute doctor problem?'

Beau blushed. ‘One more than the other.'

‘Oh, don't you worry, honey. That man has got your back. And maybe some time alone together is just what you two need. A romantic walk together... A campfire beneath the stars all on your own...'

‘But what if it
isn't
what we need? What if we find ourselves alone and it all turns bad? What if we really hate each other?'

Barb tilted her head as she gazed at Beau. ‘I don't think that's going to happen. Do you?'

Beau wasn't sure. Having the others around had provided a security she hadn't realised she'd been relying upon. Now they were all about to go their separate ways and she'd be on her own with Gray... Well, there were enough butterflies in her stomach to restock a zoo.

When the dishes were done and packed away, she headed over to collapse her tent—only to find that most of it had been done already and Gray was kneeling on the pine-needle-littered ground, putting her rolled-up tent back into its bag.

‘Oh! Erm...thank you.'

‘No problem. I saw you were busy, so...'

She nodded. ‘I can take over now.'

She held out her hands for her things and took the tent from him, started to rearrange her pack. Keeping her back to him, she breathed in and out slowly, trying to keep her heart rate down. But it was difficult. He was so close! So near. Watching and waiting for her...ready to say goodness only knew what when they were alone.

Perhaps she could pre-empt him. Let him know there wasn't going to be a continuation of what happened yesterday. Because if there was... Well, she wasn't sure her senses and her heart would survive the onslaught. Gray was like a drug to her. She could feel that. The effect he had on her was as if she
had
been bitten by a rattlesnake! With her body turning to mush and her ability to think shot to pieces...

She had to let him know where she stood. Where
they
stood.

Beau turned and faced him, squaring her shoulders and standing her ground as if she were about to go into battle. ‘Gray? You need to know that after...after last night...what happened...I... It won't be happening again. We can't let it happen. We can't.'

Try to look him in the eyes!

‘But we do need to work together to get back to the ranger station, so can you promise me that you won't do anything? You know...won't provoke something of a similar nature?'

The corner of Gray's mouth turned up in a cheeky way. ‘
Provoke
something? What do you mean?'

Beau looked about them. Was anyone listening? She leaned into him, closer, so that she could whisper. ‘I mean the kissing! Please don't try to do anything like that again!'

Gray stared deeply into her blue eyes, searching for an answer he obviously couldn't see. But he must have heeded her words, because he stepped back and nodded. ‘I won't start anything. You have my word.'

‘Thank you.' She felt her cheeks flush with heat again at the relief.

‘But only if...'

‘Only if what?'

‘Only if
you
can keep
your
hands to
yourself
.'

He turned away from her to haul on his backpack, and when he turned back to face her, he was grinning widely. He really was maddening!

‘I'm sure I'll try to restrain myself.'