Seven Shades of Grey (17 page)

Dear Dolly

I have stopped looking for explanations. My heart knows that my Maa has come to me. That is a fact. My heart knows that and mind knows that.

I read your poems and cried. Just thinking about you brings tears to my eyes. What is happening? I don’t have the answers
,
but I know that my Maa thought it fit that we meet. Why? I think you have understood that already. I know that it is not just for me to evolve but also that you lose your pain. You asked me once if I knew somebody who would give you back your sanity. Do I still need to tell you who? But must confess that at that time when I wrote it I did not mean Maa. I meant Dolly my wife. But Maa was telling me that she in her form as Dolly was going to do that. Now she has proved it. From this day onwards she will always be with you. Well
,
she has been with you, but now you will feel her presence even more because she has allowed you to. Last night I was lost to the world and saw things that make no sense to me. I think you might be able to assist. Please send me a reply as soon as you can.

I had three dreams
,
but I think two of them were in continuation of each other. In the first dream, I am standing in a long queue. There are two queues actually, and at a point both these merge. When it comes for me to merge there is a man: slightly rotund, pencil
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thin moustache, black horn-rimmed glasses, average height. He looks at me, laughs and says, ‘Hello there
.
Gauri has sent me. You know Gauri very well.’ I
answer that
I think so. He takes my hand and we enter this playground. A very tall man
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I don’t know who he is but he is tall, about 6’2 or so
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approaches me with another and says, ‘Do you know who you are with?
’
I reply that I don’t know him, but the person whose reference he has given, I could walk to my death for her. The tall one looks at me quizzically, walks away, and is soon lost in a crowd.

We are at a fair of some sort. So anyway, this man tells me he is your uncle
,
but for some reason he calls you Gauri. He takes my hand and walks with me. We enter a stall like they have at fairs. There is a temple of sorts, built in natural wood, but there is no idol in it. Bang opposite this temple there is a children’s playpen, like a jungle gym. It may be about 7 feet tall or so. There are girls on it - no boys, just girls. Your uncle merely points at the jungle gym, and I see the girls climbing the steps and standing at the edge. One of them is in a white skirt
;
the face is very familiar, but I can’t place it. She holds her nose and jumps. Now what is strange is that she is holding her nose like one would do when one would jump into water, but here there is no water, just the coir matte flooring. She lands on it, gets up, looks at us and goes back to climbing the stairs and jumping again. For some reason I turn to look at the temple. There is no idol there, but suddenly lots of flowers have appeared in the sanctum sanctorum. Then the dream is gone.

The second one shows Dolly my wife holding a child. It is a girl child. There is a pair of twins on a bed
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and Dolly is standing near the edge, on the floor. She is telling me that she has them for my approval. I tell her that I want the girl who is in her arms. She says no
,
she does not want this one but wants the twins
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who are boys. I look at her and say NO. The girl comes first. The twins start crawling towards me. I hold out my hands and say to them, ‘You will have to wait.’ I look at Dolly and tell her, ‘Give me the girl. She makes a funny face and gives her to me. The dream is over.

My every belief and every thought lie torn to shreds around me. Maa wants me to give up all. She wants me to behold her glory, and through you she is sending me messages. At the same time she is ensuring that you will start believing that she is there. See, I always knew that Maa was there for me. I never doubted that, ever. It is a shock of sorts to finally confront her through you, but then I always knew that I would be a bit startled. In my mind I thought she would probably take some other form, but through the Net was something I was never prepared for.

My thoughts, my life and my heart have been turned on their head. Maa just puts me online and tells me that you are too. I may be in the midst of a hundred things but my fingers will connect to the Net. I will see you online or a message from you or an email from you. You have become a part of my daily prayer. My day is not complete without talking to or hearing from you. One of my friends, Bindu, had logged on and asked me how my friends were. Last week sometime, I had told her that I had met you, a namesake of my wife. The other day she specifically asked about you. I told her that here was somebody who could read me, just by the words I typed. She said, some people are good at pulling your leg, so be careful. I told her that she (Bindu) could never even begin to comprehend what this person (you) were. I told her that I could not give her any details but would suffice to say that this one (you) is the one person who has rattled my very being and all for the good. All my friends know that I don’t talk about one to the other, and each one respects that. They all know the names of each other, and on occasion, I get them all into a room to meet each other. I used to be a Net junkie if you could call it that. I spent about 4 hours on the Net whenever I logged on. Since last Monday, I have only spent time with you, and MAA. I am at peace with myself, because the desire, of every kind, has gone.

My mind has finally understood all that I have read so far. I had this fantasy of retiring to the Himalayas when my work here was done. But now the Himalayas have come to me. I sit in meditation, and the world vanishes in front of me. I could not meditate earlier because my mother in Bangalore could catch the waves. She would immediately call me and tell me that I was upset or worried and that I should not be. I stopped doing it because I did not want to upset my mom. She is very emotional about me, and it hurts me to think that she is feeling my pain. So my pain was bottled up inside of me. You have come and opened the floodgates.

Dolly keeps telling me that she does not have a very long lifeline and that very soon she will leave me. I have told her that she is stupid and there is nothing wrong with her lifeline. With Maa coming to me, I have lost that fear. Dolly too is a very blessed soul, and she married me more because I needed her. She worships Hanuman, and he is the only one who can handle Shani (Saturn). During my period of discomfort, she was my strength to go on. She will always be that to me. Maa has told me, through the books that I have read, that this bond is for a purpose and that every bond in life is for a purpose. Once my mind has become calm the teachings that I have read come back to me. That is why last Monday night I told Dolly that all I wanted was her happiness and nothing more. Time is a valuable commodity, and I don’t want to waste a minute of it now. At the same time, there is no urgency in my purpose. I allow time to play its own role, but every minute that goes by, I am with my Maa. I recite her mantra to myself and tell her that I am now, finally, conscious of her.

The dreams came at the time of dawn, and I have not forgotten them. All of a sudden my mind is sensitive to all that is around me, and I have only you to thank for it. Ramkrishna looked upon his wife as his guru; I have found mine in you. When I sat at your feet, I knew that you would never leave me even if you wanted to. As far as pouring my heart out to you, I have learnt how to do that now. I chat less with the others because sometimes my heart starts opening up. I don’t know how many people can digest what I have to say. I don’t demean their love for me, but at the same time my pain is mine, to remain with me. Only my Maa could bring it out and have shared it with you, because she wanted me to.

With all that my heart can say I have said and will continue saying as long as the words flow. My heart has lost its pain and is filled with love, for my Maa, for my Dolly, for my daughter that will be born, and all the rest for you. I don’t think there is anything more that I can say.

Vikram.

I never believed that I could ever pour my heart out to anyone. What started out as an email seeking explanation of a dream turned into a tirade of suppressed emotions let loose. Every email to Dolly66 had been that way, even the ones that I was yet to write. Her response came within hours along with a promise to meet on chat later the same evening - a promise that excited me, one that was kept to rock me even more than before.

Baba

You are happy so no need to ask how u r! I am happy as well, I want your heart to fill with compassion. It has begun. I can feel it.

The girl jumping as though she is jumping into water ... for me your image was u were in knee deep water? She is telling you what to do. If she can ‘jump’ into the water without fear then u do the same. Use that water that has not allowed to let you walk properly and use it to allow u to walk ... with ease. Feel the water; glide through it. Don’t look back; there is nothing there.

She will teach you how to remain calm amidst turmoil, turn ur fear into courage. It will work - u will know what to do when the time comes. I am here for that.

The twins represent:

One the past (fear, questions, unanswered questions) the other your future (expectations, dreams, happiness, unknown) At no point in time will the past meet the unknown.

Only in relationship will you know yourself, not in abstraction and certainly not in isolation. Even in a monastery, you are related to the society, which has made the monastery as an escape, or closed the doors to freedom. The movement of your behavior is a sure guide to yourself; it’s the mirror of your consciousness. Baba, this mirror will reveal the images, attachments, fears, loneliness, joy and sorrow.

Poverty lies in running away from all this. Negating without resistance this content of consciousness is the beauty and compassion.

Dolly seeing herself as ‘leaving’ you is her frustrations. She will die to live again, not physically but mentally, will shred her old self. Her new self u will soon see. I will tear her up; through you I can do that.

The man u described is my uncle, my mother’s brother. He used to call me like he called his wife as I was the only one after her to have twins. She died some time ago and he misses her a lot, they were more like friends throughout their married yrs rather than husband and wife.

He never called me gauri, but he loved me like he loved gauri (his wife)
.
He used to say
,
u r my gauri, but here now they call you abhirami. When I was born, my eyes were open. My mother remembers that much because unlike my sister and brother it took 16 hrs of labour for me to come. I was born between two star horoscopes, not one, so I can change when necessary. I am right smack in the middle of one star finishing and the other beginning; for me there is no beginning or end.

That’s why it is difficult to see my horoscope. I will know when I will leave this world, but I will be back in ur daughter; that much also I can say. I will not go soon. We have a journey to take, and I cant leave you even if I wanted to or I have to face her wrath. The one thing prem couldn’t stand about me was my temper. I can break things and go wild and not know till I am exhausted, then say sorry and weep like a child. I told him that when it happens to leave me as I may hurt him. So far have not hurt him, but let me say this: when I heard of the affair he had three cases lined up. He cancelled the second and came home. I was cutting up the veggies, thinking b 4 I leave with the kids to my mom’s house I will cook for him (compassion). He came through the door ... closed it behind him. I came from the kitchen and threw the knife. It was exactly 3 cm away from his face. U know what I said? ‘Hey prem, I missed u this time but I will get u the next.’ I told him, ‘I won’t leave u my friend, but I will break you b4 I make you!’ He was stunned, and so was I. He went back to work. That was two yrs ago. Last week he told me, ‘You have not allowed me to touch you for the last 2 yrs. How can u take it?’

‘I have desires too, u know,’ I said. ‘Remember I told u I would break you b4 I make u?? Well, I guess I have, prem.’ He wept like a child. I left the room and told him, ‘Well, now we will see, because at that time when I loved you u put me between the devil and the deep blue sea. To the devil I danced his tune, to the sea I swam in her music, but to u I made u come to me.’ So u see, baba, if I can break him I can also make.

I will be with you for a very long time; we both know that. And your daughter she will have big eyes.

Your Maa she loves big eyes.

All my love ... Always

Baba? Smile for me, I will be online at 7pm your time, want to be with you.

Love,

Dolly

I will be with you for a very long time; we both know that.
And your daughter she will have big eyes!
The words resounded in my soul like a thousand temple bells clanging at the same time. I must have read them a hundred times that very day. Chemical equations were forgotten, office chores ignored as I downloaded the email and read it over and over. A vulnerable human being is pitiful, a prisoner of his own mind, and yet I did not feel like one. I was ecstatic, elated that I had achieved something. When I look back rationally now I still wonder why I felt so! A stranger seemed to say just the right words to make me feel happy. The child I yearned for was nowhere in sight, my work still gave me no respite and yet I was happy. There were other issues that I was ignoring at that time.