Sex Made Easy (21 page)

W
hen two people have sex, predictability can go right out the window. People have different wants and needs and different ideas about how often they should have sex—or certain types of sex—together. The partner you met isn't necessarily the same partner six months (or six years) later. Having a great sex life is, in large part, an experience in improv: you show up and roll with what life brings you, knowing that it can and will change each day. After all, nearly all couples will experience differences in sexual desires or preferred frequencies if they stay together long enough. It's how they manage these differences that makes for a delightful duo or a broken affair or marriage.

There are other predictably unpredictable aspects to sex too. Sex is full of various sights, sounds, scents, textures, not to mention fluids (yes, fluids). Then there are the emotions—yours and your partner's—that manifest themselves during sex in happy tears, frustrated tears, joyful giggles, shy gazes, and lustful looks.

But just because your sex life can't be perfectly predicted doesn't mean you can't prepare for it. In this chapter, we'll talk about common differences in desire, ways that women intuitively manage their own sexual desire and interest, attraction to one's partner, what happens when you desire someone who isn't your partner, and a hodgepodge of sex mishaps and concerns that leave many women wondering what to do (but not you; after reading this chapter
you'll know)
.

R
arely is sex only about having babies. Even among couples who are trying to conceive, most times when they have sex there is low to no risk of pregnancy (unless they are undergoing serious fertility treatments that lead to frequent ovulation). Most of the time, women are not able to become pregnant because there's no egg sitting around waiting for a man's sperm to fertilize it. Women who have sex with women and men who have sex with men aren't able to have a baby from sex with their partner. And for postmenopausal women, sex is never again about having babies because the reproductive years are over.

This is important: it means that most of the sex human beings have, and will ever have, is not about making babies (the “work” of sex) but about sex for the sake of pleasure, connection, love, excitement, or whatever else it is that two people get from having sex with one another (the “playful side” of sex).

If sex is only sometimes about procreation and is mostly about recreation, then it's worth asking: What makes for good sex? Why is some sex so-so whereas other sexual experiences are nothing short of incredible? Why is one instance of sex boring and another exciting? How come some sexual experiences feel empty and others feel connecting and meaningful?

Scientists—like many women and men—have long pondered these questions. Much research has focused on sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. Scientists who study sex have largely found that a person's sexual and relationship satisfaction are largely interconnected.
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That is, when one is high, the other one is usually high too—and when one is low, the other one is usually also low. It's tough to tease out the differences between feeling satisfied sexually and satisfied in one's relationship and marriage. And yet there are couples for whom there is a clear distinction. I've talked with many women and men who say that they are happy with their relationship or marriage yet are sexually unsatisfied. They get along well with their partner, have pleasant dinners, pay the bills on time, have fun together at parties, are good parents to their kids, and so on. It's a “functional” relationship in the sense that it works. Yet sexually they may
feel alone or unfulfilled, if they're even having sex at all. Some people can be great companions and friends to one another but get to a point where they feel more like roommates than people who want to get naked and roll around in a bed together. What, then, helps people have better sex?

A 2007 study published in the
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
looked at the following characteristics and their importance to “good sex”: competence, relatedness, and autonomy.
²
In my personal life, and when I teach about sex, I find these to be incredibly important components of “good sex” that aren't talked about enough.

People feel competent when they feel confident about doing the things they want to do. A major reason I wanted to write
Sex Made Easy
was so that more women could feel confident—and competent—about their sexual abilities. I want you to know that you can tackle almost any sexual situation you encounter. Feeling competent in your sex life can include feeling like you know how to use a sex toy to stimulate your body, perform oral sex on a partner, or ask for something sexual that you want. Some people come to feel sexually competent by noticing how their partner's body responds when they touch, lick, or stroke their partner—such as noticing that when they do these things their partner's penis gets hard or their partner's vagina gets wetter.

In pursuit of good sex, it's important to help your partner feel more competent too. When your partner does something that thrills you, speak up. Let your partner know when you've just enjoyed sex, when an orgasm has felt particularly good, or when you've especially enjoyed their oral sex technique or that thing they did with their hips, lips, or hands. Compliments and praise go a long way in the bedroom.

A sense of relatedness is about feeling connected to another person or having a feeling of belonging. It's about feeling like you understand your partner and that your partner understands or “sees” you for who you are. It's about intimacy and sharing yourself with another person, sexually as
well as emotionally. You can meet your needs for relatedness (and thus increase your chances for feeling more sexually satisfied) by letting your partner know how you feel. Say things like “I really like you” or “I'm completely in love with you”—or however you feel comfortable expressing your feelings. You can further boost relatedness for yourself and your partner (thus increasing the likelihood that your partner will enjoy your sex life too) by finding more ways to connect. Ask your partner what he or she likes about your sex life. Ask what you do well or what turns them on. Share what turns you on. And if you find yourself in a place where you think to yourself, “I can't say that—he'll think I'm strange,” that may be the very thing you need to share in order to cross the bridge and be truly intimate together. Being intimate with a person isn't limited to the mundane stuff of daily living, like how dark you like your toast or whether you sleep on the left or the right side of the bed. Being intimate involves courage and taking chances. You only earn the chance to feel like your partner “sees” you and gets you if you show yourself to your partner in the first place. People who hide their emotions and true selves from their partners don't stand much of a chance of feeling seen, heard, or understood. Don't be the person who hides. Be the partner who puts it out there and wants to be understood. Try your best to get to know your partner too, and to see past the everyday fronts and barriers people hide their true selves behind.

When it comes to sex, autonomy is about feeling like you're in charge of your sex life. You get to make choices about what you do sexually and whom you do it with. No one is making you do anything sexual or making you feel guilty if you don't want to have sex (guilt is one way of trying to make another person have sex). People who feel autonomous are people who feel that the things they do are things they
want
to do. This is one that I find very easy to relate to because it's been important to me my whole life, and not just in relation to sex. I can remember a time when I was a small child and was lying on my bed, pouting in my room. Just when I was thinking about leaving my bedroom and joining my family (who had friends visiting) in the living room, my mom came into the room. She told me that I needed to
come and join everyone in the living room and that it would be a nice thing to do. Although she was well intentioned, her timing couldn't have been worse as far as I was concerned. I had been mentally preparing to come and join everyone—and it was all my idea, which made me feel good. Instead, she beat me to the punch, and now it would seem as if I were only leaving my room because she made me. Where was the pride or joy in that? I still feel this way as an adult in the sense that I am most proud of things I choose to do—and I feel less positively about things that other people have “suggested” I do (or tried to make me do). Can you think of examples in your own life where this has been the case?

In regard to sex, you may feel more sexually satisfied if you sometimes initiate sex rather than if your partner is always the one asking to have sex. If your partner is always asking, why not say to your partner something like, “I'd like to initiate sex more often. I know it might sound odd, but can you wait to initiate so that I get a turn to approach you for sex the next time? I want it to be my turn and my idea.”

You might also be able to feel more autonomous by being the one who suggests using a vibrator or by saying you'd like to switch sex positions. If you feel that your partner pressures you into sex or tries to make you feel guilty about how often (or how seldom) you want sex, you may need to be assertive with your partner and ask them to lay off you. You may have different wants and needs from one another, which is common and healthy. Now you two need to find a way to both be satisfied with what you want—or, to want what you have.

Remember, too, that in order to feel sexually satisfied your partner may also need to feel autonomous about sex. If you're the one who's always initiating sex, try to give your partner space to initiate sometimes. Let him or her know that you'd love it, and feel more desirable, if they initiated sex more often—even if only once in a while. Make sure to listen to your partner when he or she shares something personal. By listening to your partner's sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies, or wants, you're showing your partner that you respect him or her as an autonomous individual, and that's important to both your experiences of sexual satisfaction.

If any one of these aspects of “good sex” resonates with you, consider
reading
Passionate Marriage
by David Schnarch; it's one of my favorite books and I recommend it to couples who are looking to reignite passion, excitement, and closeness in their sexual and romantic relationships.

• Talking about each other's insecurities and feelings

As of this writing, there are no FDA-approved medications to enhance women's or men's sexual desire (even if there were, they probably wouldn't work for everyone, as desire is impacted by so many things such as body image, relationship dynamics, health, and so on). There is no “quick fix” and no strategy that works for everyone; however, my hope is that this list gives you several ideas to try if you and your partner are working out desire differences of your own.

O
f course, it would be naïve to think that sexual satisfaction is only about feeling connected, autonomous, and competent about sex. Clearly, feeling attracted to one's partner has to be somewhat important too, right? One would think so.