Sex Made Easy (25 page)

As the sex toy industry has expanded over the past decade, an increasing number of people are left with questions about how to use sex toys, how not to use them, what's risky, what's pleasurable, and what to do when things don't go as planned. A quick Internet search often yields conflicting information, leaving people even more uncertain about how to safely and pleasurably make sex toys a healthy part of their sexual lives. At conferences I attend, medical doctors and nurses talk about their struggles to stay up to date on issues related to sex toy use and lubricants so that they can better educate their patients and help them stay healthy (as you'll see later in this chapter, some people do some unusual and even dangerous things as part of their sex play).

Here you will find information about sex toys that you can trust, including a brief tutorial on sex toy materials, how to clean sex toys, and how to use different types of vibrators on your own body or a partner's body. By being more knowledgeable about sex toys, you will be able to feel more relaxed and confident using them and creating the pleasure that you deserve.

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n a 2009 issue of the
Journal of Sexual Medicine,
our Indiana University research team published data from the first-ever national probability study of vibrator use in the US, in which we found that vibrator use was far more common than many people previously knew. Far from being something unusual, a full 53 percent of women and nearly half of men ages eighteen to sixty in the US reported having used vibrators.
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In addition, findings from our study demonstrated that vibrator use is linked to positive sexual function for women (for example, higher arousal, higher desire, less pain during sex, easier orgasm) as well as for men.

Most women in our study who used vibrators said that they had done so during masturbation as well as with a partner. Most of men's vibrator use was with a female sex partner such as a girlfriend or wife. That's not to say, though, that men never play with vibrators when they're on their own. We found that nearly one in five American men reported having used a vibrator during masturbation. This didn't entirely surprise me, as I've long received emails and letters from men who say that they sometimes explore with their girlfriend or wife's vibrator while she is out (this is one reason why it's wise to clean one's vibrator before each use!).

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f course, you don't have to take my word for it that vibrators and other sex toys have become common or mainstream. The next time you're shopping a local drugstore or retail chain store such as Duane Reade, CVS, Walmart, or Target, look around. There's a good chance that somewhere in the aisles you'll find a vibrator for sale. Although such stores may not sell the full range of vibrators that are commonly available in adult bookstores and sex boutiques (for example, the Silver Bullets and Rabbits of the world), vibrators sold in drugstores and mainstream retail stores can still be used to enhance masturbation and partner play quite pleasurably. For decades, mainstream stores have sold a number of what I call “secret sex toys”: products that aren't necessarily sold as sex toys but are
often used that way. Chief among these are vibrating “back massagers”—and while many people who buy these products truly do use them to massage their backs, a number of people use vibrating back massagers to stimulate their genitals.

How do I know? For starters, the Hitachi Magic Wand (a popular back massager) has been recommended for decades by artist, activist, and masturbation workshop leader Betty Dodson, something she writes about in her book
Sex for One
.
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This particular back massager/vibrator is also on display in her video,
Selfloving
, which is about female masturbation and sexuality. And in
Becoming Orgasmic
, sex therapists Drs. Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo reference the use of back massagers for genital stimulation,
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as does Rachel Maines in her book
The Technology of Orgasm
. But back massagers aren't the only secret sex toys or vibrating devices you'll find in a drugstore. You'll also find vibrating tooth brushes, which former students and readers of my sex columns have told me they've used as part of masturbation and sex play. Their vibrating intensity is on the lower end, but a number of people enjoy using them for sex play nevertheless (hopefully it goes without saying that you should not brush your or anyone else's teeth with a vibrating tooth brush that has been used on the genitals). Several column readers and students have also told me that they've used the nonrazor end of vibrating razors to stimulate their genitals. Clearly, one should always be careful when sharp objects go near one's genitals, but if you can play safely and carefully—such as while shaving your own or your partner's pubic hair—then have at it.

And in recent years, a number of mainstream stores have started selling vibrating condom rings, typically in the condom aisle. These vibrating rings are usually sold as single-use (disposable) flexible rings that are worn around a man's penis and that vibrate, stimulating his and his partner's genitals during partnered sex. Although they may be sold as “condom rings,” one doesn't necessarily need to use the condom with the ring—though certainly safer sex is always a good idea.

Vibrators and other sex toys are also sold to literally millions of women each year through in-home sex toy parties. Some women feel more comfortable shopping for sex toys this way. In addition to serving as a fun “girls'
night” among friends, for some women these parties feel more private and confidential than shopping for sex toys in a public setting such as a store. Some medical practices now sell vibrators and lubricants as well, particularly as more women and men seek help for sexual health issues from their doctor or nurse. Everyone has their own comfort zones, and the fact that sex toys are available through so many different venues means that most people who are interested in sex toys can probably find a way to get their hands on one.

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ost people who bring sex toys into their masturbation or partnered sex play don't do so because they need to, but because they want to. In our 2009 study of vibrator use, we found that 58 percent of women who used vibrators said they started doing so for fun and 55 percent said it was out of curiosity. About a third of women said they started using vibrators to spice up their sex life or to make it easier for them to have an orgasm. And about a quarter said that they didn't have a sexual partner at the time and another 27 percent said they started using vibrators because their partner wanted to. These are all common and valid reasons why women (and men too) start to use vibrators. And while many people associate vibrator use with masturbation, it's also true that a person's partner sometimes influences their decision to give vibrator play a try. After all, a fun part of being sexual with another person is learning from them and trying new things together. All it takes sometimes is for one person to say to another, “I wonder what you'd think about . . .” and then suggesting something new, whether it's experimenting with using a vibrator, going to a sex club, kissing for hours, or having sex on the living room floor instead of retreating to the bedroom. In the case of sex toys, you can include your partner by shopping together for one online or in a local store, or showing them how your use your favorite toy during masturbation.

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f course, vibrators aren't the only sex toy. And while there's no agreed-upon definition for sexual enhancement product, I tend to think of it as an umbrella term for products that can make sex feel better for people. Sex toys are commonly considered to be sexual enhancement products, as they're generally marketed as products meant to make sex more fun, novel, or potentially more easily orgasmic. Sex toys include vibrators, dildos, penis rings, and a whole range of other sex toys such as butt plugs, nipple clamps, handcuffs, feathers, whips, body frosting, edible body powder, and more.

I consider lubricants to be a type of sexual enhancement product too, because they can also make masturbation and partnered sex better for people and are often marketed in this manner. In one national study, we found that 62 percent of women had ever used a vibrator.
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In another scientific study conducted by my Indiana University research team, we gave more than twenty-four hundred women one of six different water-based or silicone-based lubricants as part of one of the world's largest studies ever conducted of women's lubricant use. It was a double-blind prospective study, which is science-speak for saying that neither the women themselves nor the scientists (my colleagues and I) knew which women received which lubricant. Sure, we had chosen the six lubricants that were being studied, but we didn't know which women got which one until after the study was over and every last woman had completed the study. We did this to enhance the study's validity and scientific objectivity, ensuring that no one involved would be biased toward a specific lubricant.

In our study, we found that when women used water-based or silicone-based lubricant during masturbation, vaginal sex, or anal sex, they rated these sex acts as more pleasurable and more satisfying compared to when they didn't use any lubricant. Does this mean that everyone should use lubricant every time they have sex? No, of course not. It does mean, however, that lubricant may have a positive role to play in many people's masturbation and partnered sex lives. Using lubricant during masturbation reduces friction between one's hand and genitals, or between one's vibrator
and genitals. Using lubricant during penile-vaginal sex reduces friction between the penis and the vagina. And using lubricant during penile-anal sex reduces friction between those two parts. Too much friction can lead to uncomfortable or painful sex. If you've ever felt sore from sex, or found it almost uncomfortable to walk after particularly vigorous sex, you know what I'm talking about. Then again, too little friction during sex isn't ideal either; most people generally like at least a little bit of friction so they experience sensation during sex. When there's too little friction (perhaps because a woman is highly lubricated or she and her partner have used too much lubricant), both partners may say they don't feel much during sex. By experimenting with the amount of lubricant you use during masturbation or sex with a partner, you can find the right amount of friction for you. Think of it as a sexual balancing act.

In addition, I think of condoms as a type of sexual enhancement product. After all, if I told you that there was a product that could help relieve you of worries or stress about accidentally getting pregnant or getting an infection you don't want, I bet you would think that was pretty great. If you're feeling kind of “meh” or so-so about that, let's go back in time: imagine now that we're talking to people who lived a hundred years ago, a time when many women died in childbirth or had so many children that they spent their lives pregnant even when they didn't want to be. It was also a time, back before the invention of penicillin, when people often died of syphilis. Now imagine telling those women and men that they could plan their families, rather than risking pregnancy every time they had sex. Or that they could have sex with a very low risk of infection from syphilis. Now do you think condoms are a sexual enhancement product?

Sometimes I think we're so removed from how great modern medical technology is, and how far we've come, that we take products like condoms for granted. Even though condoms or other sheathlike barriers have been around for many generations, the modern condom is relatively new—as is our easy access to it, being able to purchase it in stores. The fact that, by using a condom, two people can share a sexual experience while putting their pregnancy and infection worries (mostly) to bed is nothing short of a miracle. Keep in mind, too, that as advanced as we are, condoms remain the
one and only device that sexually active people can use to greatly reduce the risk of acquiring HIV. I have heard from many men and women who refuse to have sex without a condom, as well as from those who greatly prefer sex with a condom to sex without a condom, because they say they feel so much more relieved, relaxed, and confident about sex when they use one. That's why, at least in my view, condoms are key sexual enhancement products. This is not to mention that many of them now come with additional special features such as being textured (for example, ribbed or studded), flavored, or with a warming or cooling lubricant—though these special features are, as far as I'm concerned, the icing on an already delicious cake.