Sex Made Easy (37 page)

Sometimes doctors and physical therapists don't have answers to questions about sex; often they received little information about sexual behavior during their professional training. Some people who have significant health issues find it helpful to connect with online or in-person patient support groups and ask one another these kinds of questions. However, if someone in one of these support groups suggests trying something that you have reservations about, it is always wise to ask your health care provider for their thoughts on how safe this suggestion may be. Sometimes such suggestions are brilliant bursts of creativity, and sharing them with your health care provider may mean that they learn from them and can pass them along to other patients. Other times, such suggestions can be misguided at best and dangerous at worst, which is why it's wise to bring health-related questions back to your health care provider.

I
n addition to being distracted by health issues (such as pain and discomfort), some people are distracted by their pets during sex. That's right: their pets. According to the 2007
US Pet Ownership & Demographics Sourcebook
, in the US there are more than 43 million households that have a dog and more than 37 million households with a cat.
⁵
Although I grew up with pets (both dogs and cats), it was a long time before I adopted one as an adult. For years, I would listen in amazement to friends, students, and readers talk about how their pets influenced their sex lives. I have one friend, for example, who would try to shut her cats out of her bedroom during sex only to find them scratching and meowing at her door. Another friend avoided having sex in her apartment because she worried about her cats—who she felt were like her “babies”—seeing her in such “compromising” sex positions. Someone else told me she felt like her nosy dog was always interrupting sex with her boyfriend. And then there's the opening (hilarious) scene of the mockumentary
Best in Show
, in which a couple visits a pet therapist to discuss how their dog has possibly been affected by witnessing them have certain types of sex.

After years of listening to these stories, and then adopting our own shelter dog, I decided it was time to study the topic. In a study I conducted at Indiana University, I surveyed close to two thousand men and women about how their sex lives were affected by their dogs and cats, if at all. People had all sorts of stories to tell, including being distracted by their pets during sex (such as worrying that their pets would run across the bed during sex, or by hearing their pet at the door). Others didn't feel too bothered and felt that it all worked out pretty well in their homes, with pets and humans having a happy coexistence. Consider these excerpts from participants' stories (their names have been changed):

Though pets are certainly not human babies, for many people having a pet feels very much like having a baby that they care for, love, and protect. Perhaps it comes as no surprise, then, that having sex in front of this “baby-like” being can feel strange and like something they want to avoid at all costs. Hence, the idea of “post-pet sex”: the sense that there's the way one's sex life happened before getting a dog or cat and the way sex changed afterward. It's not that one is necessarily better or worse, but many pet owners
would certainly say that they are different experiences.

In my study, many people described their post-pet sex lives as something of a work in progress. Some women and men wrote about their sex lives being more challenged when their dogs were young puppies and had boundless energy and a need to get up multiple times throughout the night. However, the mellowing that comes with a dog or cat's older age meant fewer sex interruptions for some of the women and men in my study. These individuals also wrote about trying a number of strategies until they hit upon something that worked: Some people distracted their cats with catnip or a windup toy. Some dog owners gave their dog a peanut butter–filled toy before retreating to the bedroom, and others simply shut their pets out of the room. Later on in this chapter, we'll consider several examples of post-pet sex that works.

A
bout half of pregnancies in the US are unplanned, which means that the other half of pregnancies involve some amount of planning or, dare I say it, “work.” For some couples, the work of becoming pregnant is fun. For the first time in a long time—maybe even for the first time in their lives—they get to ditch condoms, birth control, and worries about becoming pregnant. Sex that's free of such stressors can feel uninhibited and exciting. Creating a baby together can feel highly connecting, loving, and even spiritual.

However, pregnancy doesn't happen effortlessly for all couples. According to a report by the Pew Research Center that is based on data from the National Center for Health Statistics and the Census Bureau, in 2008 about 14 percent of births were to women ages thirty-five and older.
⁶
Many of these pregnancies (as well as a number of pregnancies for women younger than thirty-five) take more planning and often significant efforts involving changes to sex as well as various fertility treatments.

There is no easy way to make baby-making sex perfect in every way, but there are steps couples can take to have a more pleasurable experience. This is important because oftentimes couples feel that baby-making sex feels too
planned, mechanical, or devoid of connection. One man once complained to me that he felt more like a machine than a husband or partner to his wife. He felt a great deal of pressure to perform whenever she ovulated. Women, too, experience a range of feelings about baby-making sex. Here are some thoughts that might improve the way you and your partner experience sex in the midst of trying to have a baby:

•
Try to keep some of your sex spontaneous and unplanned.
Try having sex even on days when you're not likely to be ovulating, simply for the sake of fun and enjoyment. If your partner asks if you're ovulating, say something like, “No, I just want you.”

•
Express desire for your partner.
Some couples are able to laugh off the fact that baby-making sex can feel unromantic, planned, and mechanical. Others struggle more with this. If you're trying to become pregnant, add as much desire, romance, or lust to the experience as you can. Rather than an “in, out, and done” experience every time, mix in fun quickies in the kitchen, a drawn-out lovemaking session in the bedroom, and plenty of things (like oral sex) that won't result in pregnancy but can be fun just because.

•
Mix up your sex positions.
Although it may be that some sex positions are better for pregnancy than others (most notably, ones like missionary that have gravity on their side), try not to throw every other sex position out the window. If your partner comes very quickly, save the sex positions that are less pregnancy-friendly for the days when you're unlikely to be ovulating. If your partner can last longer before ejaculating, then front-load your sex play with some of your other favorite sex positions before ending in a bang with your preferred baby-making sex position.

•
Keep talking—and laughing.
Remind yourselves why you're going through all this effort—and sometimes less-than-awesome sex. Talk about having babies. Talk about your family. And sometimes, give it a
break. Take hikes together and talk about nature, work, your parents, or the early days of dating. And when sex feels like a science experiment or you're bringing out what looks like a turkey baster or your partner has to march off to ejaculate into a cup at some doctor's office, try to laugh, hug, kiss, and make the best of it.

S
ex during pregnancy comes with its own set of rules, many of which medical doctors and health educators make up as they go along, doing the best they can. Because every pregnancy is different, you should always ask your health care provider any questions that you may have about your own pregnancy and personal health. Consider the below to be general thoughts on pregnancy but not the final word; the final word on what you should or shouldn't be doing during pregnancy comes in a conversation between you and your health care provider.

As long as your pregnancy is proceeding in a healthy way, most health care providers will give you the go-ahead when it comes to sex. Many women are told that they can have sex as often as they want during pregnancy. However, not everyone feels up to it. Some women experience morning sickness during pregnancy and may feel like they're going to throw up, or may actually throw up. It's also common for women to feel unusually tired during their first trimester of pregnancy. If you're in your first trimester and are trying to maintain an active sex life with your partner, note whether there are specific times of the day when you feel healthier, more energetic, and more “yourself.” Not all women have morning sickness in the morning; some feel sick and tired later in the afternoon. It varies. If there's a time of day that feels easier for you, talk with your partner about this. Let him or her know that you generally feel sick or tired in the morning, afternoon, or evening (whenever that is). If it's unpredictable when you
will feel your best, let your partner know that—and ask if you can take the reins on when to initiate sex for a while.

It's also important to note that although some women worry about having sex for fear of miscarrying, miscarriages tend to be caused by chromosomal abnormalities or other problems with the developing fetus—not by sex or other things you or your partner did or didn't do.