Sex Practice (13 page)

"Spies. Did
she break down and confess under torture?"

"She informed
me that you'd examined her."

Shit
. "Ah, yes, so I did. I am an
eminent Doctor of sexual..."

"You sullied
her virginal body! It's a cardinal sin!"

"I did nothing
of the sort! She left here as unsullied as the driven snow."

"You removed
her underwear!"

"Well... yes,
that's true."

"You can't
remove schoolgirls' knickers! It's immoral! Saint Peter will send
you to hell! God have mercy on you!"

"Oh, good, I'll meet all my old friends. Anyway, I can and I
did remove her knockers... her knickers. She was suffering
from
hymen constrictum
."

"What's
that?"

"Constriction
of the hymen. It's a common complaint. You'd never believe how many
hymens I've come over... I mean, come across. I had to dilate her
hymen with my... with my hymen dilation tool. It's a good job she
came in time."

"Came in
time?"

"Yes, to see
me. Had it been left any longer... well, the consequences could
have been dire. The fate of her vagina would have been in the hands
of the gods."

"Blasphemy!"

"Satan."

"You'll be
struck down! Have you no fear of God's wrath?"

"Does He upset
easily?"

"Very easily!
Especially when there's talk of Satan!"

"Satan was
near, Reverend Lover. I sensed him constricting the girl's hymen.
She harboured sexual demons - I saved her from the eternal fires
of..."

"Please, stop
referring to the Devil and demons!"

"The girl's
vulval tissue was traumatised by sexual demons."

"What are you
talking about? Can you explain her drunkenness?"

"Ah, no, no
she wasn't drunk. You probably mistook the effect of the
anaesthetic for rampant alcoholism."

"Anaesthetic?"

"Yes, I had to
anaesthetise her vulval tissue by performing a copulatory penile
injection."

"What's
that?"

"A
spermatozoic injection into the cervical os. She'll be all right
now."

"Oh, well... I
appear to owe you an apology, Doctor Lickman."

Fucking right, you do
. "No, not at
all! I'm pleased to see that you have the welfare of the girl at
heart, Reverend Father. I must stress the importance of my seeing
all the sixth form girls."
The importance
of my fucking their tight cunts
. "After
discovering Jenny's complaint, it's of the utmost importance that I
see the other girls at my earliest inconvenience."

"Yes, of
course. But I have to stress that, in my position as Reverend
Mother of the convent, I'm responsible for the girls. The Lord has
charged me to protect them from the wicked ways of the world."

"Goodness me,
you had to pay the Lord?"

"No! He
charged me, commanded me."

"Oh, I see.
Tell me, Reverend Smother, when did you get the calling?"

"Ah, the
calling from the Lord! He came unto me."

"He came into
you?"

"He came unto
me, not into me. I remember it well, I was fourteen-years-old at
the time of my calling. I was in the bath, and He came unto me. I
was staggered, as any girl would be to see the Lord standing by her
bath."

"He stood by
the bath?"

"Yes. There I
was, meek in all my nakedness, and..."

"Blessed are
meek fourteen-year-old girls for they shall inherit my... what did
the Lord look like?"

"There was a
lot of steam in the bathroom and His head was shrouded in a white
sheet. I couldn't see properly, only His eyes were showing. He
reminded me very much of my father."

"Goodness
me!"

"My father
swore blind that it wasn't him when my mother confronted him. He
said that I must have seen the Lord. In my heart of hearts, I knew
I'd had a vision."

"What did the
Lord say?"

"He asked me
to get out of the bath and stand naked before Him."

"Then what
happened?"

"He knelt
before me and blessed me."

"How?"

"He touched
and kissed me. He said that he'd take my virginity as he'd omitted
to take Mary's."

"What happened
next?"

"I... I can't
tell you, I'm sworn to secrecy. He said that I should tell no one
as the act might be liable to misinterpretation."

"Indeed, it
might!"

"Well, thank
you for your time, Doctor Lickman."

"You're most
unwelcome!" Larry smiled, holding his aching head as he staggered
to his feet and led the woman down the hall. "I'll look forward to
seeing the rest of the girls very soon."

"It's good of
you to take such an interest in the girls. Actually, there's a
young nun I'd like you to see. She's been complaining of dizziness,
which I find worrying."

"Yes, of
course. Phone reception and make an appointment for her. I'd be
only too pleased to take a look up her... a look at her."

"Thank you.
Well, good day, Doctor."

"Good day,
Mother Barren-Room," he smiled, seeing her out of the building.

Grinning
triumphantly at Monica as he entered reception, Larry leaned on the
counter. "A little misunderstanding!" he chuckled. "The Reverend
Mother Barren-Womb had grabbed the wrong end of the dick."

"A
misunderstanding?" she returned, her face flushing as her anger
rose. "It's disgusting, subjecting the girl to..."

"Monica,
Monica. Why is it that you think along such debased lines? Are you
deranged? It seems to me that all you ever think about is sex. Your
mind's rife with it."

"It's not! Why
was she staggering? She could barely walk!"

"She was
exhausted after a heavy bout of chemistry homework. Anyone would
stagger after such an ordeal, it weakens the thighs."

"Rubbish! Look
what you did to that poor Jessica Jezebel!"

"I was firming
and toning Jessica's pelvic muscles, and you accused me of caning
the girl - torturing her!"

"You had caned
her! And it is torture, there's no other word for it!"

"Professor
Flagellant's revolutionary... look what happened when Jane was in
my consulting room. I was using a tried and tested method to help
her off the fence of indecision, and you were spying at me through
the window! As usual, you grabbed the wrong end of the cane... of
the stick."

"I saw you and
Brigit lying over your desk half naked!"

"Yes, but it
was all in keeping with the treatment, the therapy session,
Monica."

"What,
exposing your genitalia?"

"What I was
doing is called gender preference therapy. It's not only recognized
by the BMA but highly recommended by them."

"Of course it
isn't! Do you think me stupid?"

"Yes, I have
to say that I do think you're stupid, Monica. You know nothing of
today's modern techniques. You cannot accuse people of sexual
debauchery if you don't know the facts. If I were to come across a
man and woman naked in a cornfield, my mind wouldn't immediately
jump to the conclusion that they were involved in some sort of
indecent sexual activity, as your mind would."

"Why else
would they be naked in a cornfield? It's unnatural! And it's
illegal!"

"It wouldn't
be illegal if they owned the cornfield, would it?"

"What on earth
would they be doing other than...?"

"They might be
sunbathing."

"What,
naked?"

"There's
little point in sunbathing in a Cashmere overcoat, a scarf and
wellington boots! If you saw two men enter a public toilet cubicle
together, no doubt you'd immediately think them bent."

"As would any
decent person! It's obscene!"

"There's a
simple explanation for two men entering a public toilet cubicle
together."

"There's only
one explanation in my book!"

"Plumbers!"

"Where?"

"My fictitious
men are plumbers, Monica! One's married with four kids and the
other is married with two kids - they're decent husbands and
fathers. They work hard at their job. They have to, especially the
one with four kids because his mortgage is..."

"It doesn't
take two plumbers to repair one toilet!"

"Yes, it does
- a plumber and his mate. You see, you don't stop to think, do you?
Take Jenny. You asked why her face was flushed, no doubt thinking
that some vile sexual act had occurred in my consulting room, when
the explanation couldn't have been more innocent - the poor child
was hot! You asked why she was staggering, you said that her blouse
had been incorrectly buttoned... again, your thoughts were centred
on vile sexual acts."

"Well,
I..."

"Having lost a
button on her blouse, she had to button it up incorrectly to
compensate for the missing button - to conceal her virgin breasts,
her milk teats. You see, it's as simple as that. No one was trying
to get at her body and commit a beautiful... a dirty sexual
act!"

"I didn't
realize that she'd..."

"That's
exactly my point! You're leaping before you've looked. If you feel
that you're in need of psychiatric help, I'll be only too willing
to..."

"I do not need
your help! I'll admit that I have a suspicious mind, but that's
perfectly normal, given the circumstances."

"What
circumstances?"

"Well, working
here, among all these people with sexual problems."

"If you're not
up to the job, Monica, then..."

"I am up to
the job. I want to work here, especially now that you've doubled my
salary."

"I believe
your suspicious mind stems from your childhood."

"I had a very
happy childhood, Doctor Lickman! My mother was one of the best, and
my father was... well, he did his best, considering the unfortunate
circumstances."

"Weren't you
psychologically disturbed?"

"No, not at
all! Why should I have been?"

"Did the Lord
come all over you?"

"The Lord? I
had a decent Catholic upbringing. My childhood was remarkably
undisturbed."

"That proves
my point - your childhood was completely and utterly abnormal."

"What makes
you say that?"

"All kids are
psychologically disturbed, especially girls. It's a natural part of
growing up, it stands to reason."

"Does it?"

"You never had
children, did you, Monica?"

"No, I didn't.
It's against my religion."

"What, having
kids?"

"No, sexual
intercourse. The Pope says..."

"Surely, you
don't listen to an old git who goes around kissing the ground and
posing as God?"

"Well,
I..."

"It's
insanity! If all women remained barren, the world would become
devoid of human beings! Imagine what it would be like."

"Quiet and
peaceful, no pollution."

"Who would
that benefit?"

"The few
people left waiting to die - and the animals."

"The notion's
crazy! Let's make a new start, Monica. Now, be honest with me, what
does this Venereal man want? What have you told him?"

"I... I told
him that the practice isn't run in a correct and proper
manner."

"And all
because you keep jumping to the wrong conclusions! I think you'd
better contact him and tell him how very wrong you were, don't
you?"

"Er... yes,
Doctor Lickman. I'll do it right away."

"Good. Ah, Mr
and Mrs Crotcher," Larry beamed, glancing at his watch as a
middle-aged couple wandered across the foyer. "Dead on time, as
usual. Er... Mrs Crotcher, would you be so good as to go to the
waiting room? I'll have a chat with your husband and then I'll see
you. Monica, a cup of tea for Mrs Crotcher, please. Right, Mr
Crotcher, this way, this way."

Offering his
client a chair, Larry sat opposite the man and rested his elbows on
the desk. "So, how are things?" he asked, thankful that, at last,
he'd put Monica in her place.

"Awful, Doc!
She ain't got no better since we first come 'ere two weeks
ago!"

My God, you're common
. "Surely,
there's been some improvement?"

"No, there
ain't been none at all! Like what I said last time, I'm a normal
kind of bloke - you know, I like a bit of the old dirty stuff. I
bought some 'andcuffs, and she won't even look at the fucking
things, let alone..."

"Er... yes. I
thought you were going to gently ease your wife into..."

"I was! Last
night, I was feelin' really 'orny - you know, bollocks full, knob
as 'ard as bleedin' granite... anyway, we goes to bed, and she
bleedin' well rolls over! Daft bitch that she is! She's lucky I
never stuffed it up 'er arse! I told 'er - Mary, I says, remember
what the Doc said? She turns round and goes - I don't give a damn
what 'e said, I'm tired!"

"I see. Have
you been touching, fondling, easing her into foreplay, as I
suggested?"

"She won't let
me get me 'ands nowhere near 'er. The other night we goes to bed
and she goes - if you don't get that thing out of me back, I'll kip
on the sofa! That's a fine way to talk about me knob, I must
say!"

"Right, Mr
Crotcher. Go to the waiting room and send your wife in. I'll have a
word with her and then I'll speak to you again."

"OK, Doc. Tell
'er to open 'er bleedin' legs."

"Er... yes,
yes I will."

Holding his
head, Larry sighed. There was no way he could help the couple. Mrs
Crotcher was frigid beyond belief, and her husband didn't have the
understanding of a flea! Wondering whether her husband would be
willing to pay for sex with Brigit, he smiled as the woman entered
the room.

"Ah, please
sit down, Mrs Crotcher."

"Thank you,
Doctor," the woman replied, brushing her mousy hair away from her
pale face.