Sex Practice (3 page)

Breathing a
sigh of relief as the tart left the building, Larry walked across
the foyer to reception. "Everything in order, Monica?" he humoured
the grumpy woman.

"As well as
can be expected for a place like this!"

"Good, good!
It's makes me so happy to see you enjoying your work."

"I'm not
enjoying my work! I'm not a skivvy! I wasn't employed to clear up
smashed pot plants!"

"No, you
weren't, but it just goes to show what an adept all-rounder you
are."

"Dog's body,
more like!"

"Have you
always been of such a happy and joyous disposition, Monica, or was
it an attribute you picked up during your long and tedious journey
through life?"

"What?"

"Have you
always been so cheerful?"

"I'm not
cheerful!"

"Oh! And there
was me thinking how happy you were! Hormones, I would imagine.
Terrible weather for the time of year, don't you agree? Right, I'd
better see how Lily's getting on. You know what these trainee sex
therapists are like."

"What are they
like?"

"Er... ah,
telephone, Monica."

"What about
it?"

"It's
ringing."

"No, it's
not!"

"Oh, my
mistake. Any luck with the schoolgirls?"

"Schoolgirls?"

"Yes, the
sixth-formers. Has the headmistress phoned about...?"

"Oh, yes, she
did phone. She didn't seem to think your idea acceptable."

"Really? You
do surprise me."

"She said that
eighteen-year-old schoolgirls shouldn't need to see a sex
therapist."

"That's as
maybe, but I need to see eighteen-year-old schoolgirls! Er... I
explained in my letter that..."

"She's giving
it some thought; she said she'd phone back."

"Excellent! I
can't wait to get my hands on... to talk to the little... I mean,
young ladies."

"You don't
plan to touch them, do you?"

Of course I do. Hot, tight, wet, juicy
... "Monica! What are you suggesting?"

"You know very
well what I'm suggesting."

"My ghast is
flabbered! How can you have such immoral thoughts? I always thought
you to be virtuous, wholesome, upright."

"I am! It's
you who's..."

"Do you
honestly think that I'd soil and defile..."

"I don't
think, I know! What's in that room at the end of the hall?"

"Which
room?"

"The one you
keep locked."

"Oh, this and
that - nothing of interest to you, or the police. Well, I'd better
go and check up on Lily. I'll leave you to carry on with the good
work, Monica."

Entering his
consulting room, Larry closed the door and smiled at Lily.
"Everything all right?" he asked the appetising young blonde.

"No, not
really," she whimpered, her expression mirroring her anxiety, her
blue eyes tearful.

"What's the
problem, Tina?" he asked, turning to his bemused client. "What's
happened?"

"I was telling
her about hanging upside down from chains with my legs open, and
she burst out crying!" the young woman gasped, perplexed by Lily's
incessant wailing.

"There's no
need to cry, Lily!" Larry consoled the girl, patting her shoulder.
"We're here to help our clients with their problems, not cry over
them."

"I'm sorry,
Doctor Lickman. It wasn't the chains, it was her breasts."

"Tina's
breasts? What about them?"

"Her husband
sucks them!" Lily sobbed uncontrollably.

"That's what
they're for. There's nothing wrong with that, Lily. Mouthing
breasts and sucking nipples is all part and parcel of a
disgusting... of a healthy sex life. You must get rid of this
phobia concerning female breasts, you really must!"

"I live in
perpetual dread of my breasts!"

"Er... Tina, I
think that had better be enough for today," Larry smiled. "Ask
Monica to make you an appointment for next week. And remember to
repeat the words during... and don't forget to place a mirror on
the floor."

"What about a
vibrator?"

"Oh, yes. See
Brigit on your way out, she'll fix you up. Ask her for a King Dick
- they're expensive, but most effective. Until next week,
Tina."

"Yes, doctor,"
Tina smiled, rising to her feet. "I hope Lily will be all
right."

"She'll be
fine!"

"And I thought
I had problems!" Tina sighed as she breezed from the room.

Perching
himself on the edge of the desk, Larry passed Lily a handkerchief.
"What is it about breasts that distresses you so?" he asked the
tormented girl as she wiped her eyes.

"They're
evil!" she wailed, her bottom lip quivering. "They're like evil
one-eyed monsters! They lurk beneath my quilt in the dark of the
night, peering out at me! When I'm in the bath they surface like
monsters from the deep and stare at me! They're waiting to get me,
I know it!"

"Lily, Lily!
They're not waiting to get you!"

"Yes, they
are! The other evening I was sitting on the sofa in my dressing
gown watching television and the left one popped out. Its
horrendous brown eye leered at me! They despise me! They're in
league! They're working together, planning to get me!"

"Good grief,
Lily! When did this peculiar phobia first arise?"

"When they
arose from the depths of my chest. I was twelve when they sneaked
up in the night and clung like leeches to me. They grew and grew,
feeding on my fear until they were big and strong! Now I'm
eighteen, they're big enough and strong enough to get me!"

"I'll have to
give you regular therapy sessions, Lily. I think we'll start the
sessions this afternoon. How's your phobia of penises, still
bad?"

"Terrible!
Like long slippery snakes, ugly pink slugs, they lie in wait! They
have purple heads with one eye! They retract their pink helmets and
stare at me!"

"From where
did this incredible phobia originate?"

"I don't
know."

"Lily, I'm
going to show you my penis. It's a fine specimen and..."

"No!"

"Yes. You must
get over this ridiculous phobia. How can you have a normal sex life
if you're afraid of your breasts and men's penises? I want you to
hold my penis, get to know it intimately, fondle it, kiss it
and..."

"No, I don't
want to see it!" the distressed girl cried, fleeing the room.
"Argh! A disgusting, horrible, slug-like one-eyed monster!" she
wailed, dashing down the hall.

"Lily! Lily,
come back!"

Shaking his
head in despair as the phone rang, Larry grabbed the receiver. "Ah,
Monica, everything all right on the western front?" he enquired
jovially.

"Lily Dyke has
just run out of the building screaming about one-eyed
monsters!"

"Yes, I know.
It's nothing to concern yourself with, she has a natural tendency
to run out of buildings screaming about one-eyed monsters. Her
peculiar psychological disturbance stems from an atrocious
childhood experience."

"You shouldn't
employ her; you know she's a lesbian - and mentally unstable."

"She's
bisexual. Are you bisexual, Monica?"

"Certainly
not!"

"That accounts
for it, then."

"Accounts for
what?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway, I'm
not calling to discuss Lily Dyke. There's a man at reception to see
you."

"Oh, right.
What does he want, do you know?"

"He wouldn't
say."

"Would you say
he looks like a civil servant?"

"Why would I
say that?"

"In your
considered opinion, would you say he looks like a civil
servant?"

"How would I
know?"

"By
considering your opinion, Monica."

"Stop trying
to confuse me!"

"You don't
need my help to confuse yourself! Is he carrying a briefcase?"

"No, he's
not."

"Thank God for
small mercies. OK, send him along."

Bidding his
visitor enter as a loud knock sounded on the door, Larry smiled
benevolently. "Good morning, I'm Doctor Larry Lickman. What can I
do for you?"

"You told my
wife to masturbate with two vibrators!" the bristling, balding man
yelled.

"Er...
Mr..."

"Schmidtbag."

"Ah, yes, Mr
Schmidtbag. What an unfortunate name. Are you of German
descent?"

"Certainly
not! I'm British through and through."

"Have you ever
considered deed poll? I have it from a reliable source that it's
inexpensive."

"I have not
come here to discuss my name! You sexually assaulted my wife!"

"That's quite
an accusation, Mr Schmidtbag! I find your effrontery most
displeasing!"

"Well, I'm
waiting!"

"You're not
asking me to sexually assault you, are you?"

"Don't be
ridiculous! I'm waiting for an explanation."

"Aren't we
all, Mr Schmidtbag - aren't we all? An explanation as to why we're
here. We're just grains of sand in a vast desert..."

"My wife told
me that you..."

"Er... your beautiful wife, Gale, has deep-seated sexual
problems. She's suffering from a rare condition known as
inactivus clitoris
. Using
vibrators will..."

"You
interfered with her anal canal!"

"Interfered
with her anal canal?"

"You took her
into a room, locked the door, and forced her to remove her
clothes!"

"I might well have had reason to examine her, yes. I probably
checked her for
rectus
crampus
, as I do with most clients. Haven't
I seen you on television?"

"Of course you
haven't!"

"I could have
sworn I've seen a photograph of you on Crimewatch."

"What are you
talking about?"

"Or was it a
building society video?"

"A building
society..."

"Are you in
possession of a balaclava and a sawn-off shotgun?"

"What? I want
an explanation! You rubbed my wife's clitoris and put your fingers
into her private orifices!"

"Only in the
line of duty, Mr Schmidtbag - only in the line of duty. After all,
I am a qualified doctor. Doctor Larry Lickman D.M. D.sc. F.P.S.
F.R.C.P. S.H.I.T."

"S.H.I.T?"

"Society of
Hormone Implant Techniques. I am also a highly qualified
C.U.N.T."

"You're a
cunt?"

"Yes, a
Cervical and Uterine Neuroma Technician."

"I don't care
what you are, it's disgusting! You tied my wife down to an
examination couch with lengths of rope!"

"Did I? Good
grief, I don't remember doing that. Are you sure your wife's not
having delusions?"

"Of course
she's not having delusions!"

"Hallucinations?"

"You're mad!
What's the idea?"

"Which
idea?"

"You should be
struck off!"

I was never struck on!
"Er... Gale is
unable to achieve orgasm, so..."

"Women
shouldn't have orgasms, it's not their place to enjoy sex!"

"Why ever not?
Are you a misogynist?"

"Devout! Once
they begin to enjoy sex, they'll be running off getting it anywhere
and everywhere!"

"Well, I
wouldn't say that."

"I'll have her
fanny sewn up, that's what I'll do!"

"You can't do
that, Mr Schmidtbag - you'll affect her toilet."

"She's never
coming back here! You're a sad pervert!"

That's true
.

"A vile,
disgusting, filthy sexual deviant!"

"Excuse me,
but I am not a Catholic priest."

"A Catholic
priest? You're mentally insane! You'll be hearing from my
solicitor!" the enraged spouse stormed, charging from the room.
"I'll see to it that you're struck off!"

"Good, I enjoy
mingling with fellow professionals! Good day, Mr Shitbag!"

"Problems,
problems!" Larry sighed, ambling to the window to see Monica in
conversation with a man in the car park. "What's she up to now? I
don't like men with briefcases, they unnerve me." Going to
investigate he found Brigit hovering in the foyer, her miniskirt
revealing the gentle curves of her naked buttocks as she bent over
to scratch her knee.

"Ah, Brigit,
what's Monica doing talking to that man in the car park?"

"She's talking
to him."

"Yes, I know
that! Who is he?"

"Who?"

"Good grief!
The man in the car park - who is he?"

"Mr
Venereal."

"Mr Venereal?
Is he infectious?"

"Infectious?"

"Where's he
from, Brigit?"

"He's from the
health authority. I overheard Monica talking to him on the
phone."

"Yes,
and?"

"She was
talking to Mr Venereal."

"Yes, but what
was she saying?"

"She was
saying that this place should be closed down."

"Closed down?
Is she mad? Why does she think the place should be closed
down?"

"I don't know,
I can't remember."

"What else did
she... oh, never mind. When Monica returns, send her to my
consulting room, will you?"

"Send her to
your consulting room. Yes, I think I can remember that."

"Do you want
me to write it down for you?"

"No, I think I
can remember."

"I hope you can!" Larry scowled, wondering why he employed the
stupid girl as he returned to his room.
Because she's got a beautiful cunt, I
suppose
.

The phone was
ringing as he entered the office. "Now what?" he sighed wearily as
he grabbed the receiver and perched himself on the edge of his
desk. "Dr Lickman here."

"Ah, good
morning, Doctor Lickman - Reverend Mother Barren-Womb speaking,
headmistress of The Sacred Bloodied Heart of Our Lady of the Damned
Convent."

"That's no way
to speak of your convent, Mother Barren-Womb!"