Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (13 page)

The basic position is face-to-face, lying down. The guy on top is in a push-ups position, with elbows bent or on the bed.

Penises go side by side, and then the top guy rocks back and forth using his toes for leverage. It feels great, and the fellow on the bottom can glide, too, till he finds a spot that’s good for him. The beauty of the belly rub for two guys is that they can ejaculate at almost the same time, wash up and head out for a cocktail. For you, it will work best if your legs are open and his legs are straight out, between yours. Then, he can press Mr. Stiffy against your love button. You might try massaging his buttocks or nipples while he’s doing

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this. After climax, just use your nearby hand towel to dry off your belly. This is such a vigorous workout that it’s a good idea to make sure you’re a satisfied customer first.

BACK SLIDERS

While some women, and more than a few frat boy types, think men will enjoy rubbing their penis between a woman’s breasts, we find this unwieldy and virtually impossible for the bosom-ly challenged. A better way of simulating intercourse is called a back slider. This is where you lie facedown on your stomach, while he places some lubricant on your bottom (as opposed to
in
it), between the cheeks. The guy lies on top, or straddles on his knees, and glides his shaft between those golden globes.

Like the Princeton Belly Rub, it feels great and is totally safe.

Just remember that this is a short step away from backdoor sex, and that if you decide to do that, you’ll need more lubricant and a condom.

THE PEARL NECKLACE

Another alternative, which we hear is very popular with both straight and gay couples in the Hamptons, is called the pearl necklace. Danny listened with great fascination as a gal pal in East Hampton told him about an adventure in which the guy gave her a pearl necklace right in the middle of fooling around.

“Boy,” he thought admiringly, “that’s amazing.” It was only after he asked her the size of the pearls, and whether they were freshwater or cultured, that he found out what she meant.

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This safe and simple alternative has the woman lying on her back with the guy straddling her waist. You can tweak his nipples, stroke his inner thighs, play with his testicles, or play with yourself for that matter. In the meantime, he has his way with himself, masturbating until he reaches orgasm—you can help out by squirting a little lube in his hand—and directing the semen away from your face and onto your neck and upper chest. Hence the name pearl necklace, which can mean any style, from a simple choker to a luxurious opera-length strand, depending on your partner.

This technique is extremely exciting for men because they know how to handle themselves exactly the way they like, and because they never cease to love watching themselves come.

It’s minimal work for you with maximum return. In theory, the woman doesn’t have to do a thing except suggest the whole procedure. He can have a party all by himself, and you can close your eyes and think about the sale at Saks. But you know our feelings on that: no tennis bracelets for sitting around with a bored look on your face. For better results, you should be actively involved, urging him on, with interest and enthusiasm.

For variety, you can work in some of your own hand techniques, directing his ejaculation toward the neck, thereby fashioning your own strand of pearls.

M & MS

M&Ms is the nickname gay guys use for mutual masturbation.

It’s completely safe; you both get what you want and you can use any preferred lubricant as long as you don’t
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
move on to intercourse. Unlike many straight guys, gay men have no problem tossing off in front of their partners. They know that when Mr. Stiffy needs attention, he’ll take it from just about any place he can get it, including his old, cherished friend, Mr. Hand. So why do so many straight guys have a problem with handling themselves in front of a woman? Some of the reasons that popped up in yet another of our informal polls included a fear that you’d think he was gay, that you’d think he was a geek if he knew how to toss off too well, that they’re obsessed with going “all the way” and won’t feel complete unless they do, and that they’re just plain lazy and want you to do all the work. (That last response had a slightly bitter note to it; we suggest you try not to think along those lines with your partner.)

One more reason came out when a friend told us about an experience she remembered from college. Seems like one of her girlfriends ended up in bed with a guy and fell asleep.

When she awoke, she was horrified to find him tossing off and about to shoot a shot on her. We think she probably shouldn’t have been so shocked. After all, boys will be boys, especially in college, and he was probably ready with a story about the dreaded blue balls. But she was out the door before either his explanation or his ejaculation, and the girl told just about everybody she knew. The poor guy became known for his tossing off all around campus, and everybody made fun of him. Maybe it was just college high jinks, but it does appear that straight folks are not quite as comfortable as gay guys when it comes to self-stimulation. This is probably changing, but you still may encounter a little of the old-school shyness.

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Sometimes your partner may not have the right touch for you, so you have to take your things into your own hands for a while. The obvious thing is for him to handle himself, too.

So how do you, as a straight woman, let your guy know that it’s okay for him to toss off? You could try working on yourself, and hope he does the same. You might also let him know that you like to watch him. This is also a way for you to hone your own manual skills by keeping a close eye on exactly how he handles himself. However it happens, just remember that everybody likes M&Ms, and not just the green ones.

COMBO PLATTERS

Just like when you’re at the shoe salon and can’t decide between the Prada pumps, the Ferragamo flats, or the Blahnik boots, the answer is to go for all three, because you’ll always find an occasion to use them. Following the fashion rule of mix and match, you’ll want to combine some of your “do not enter”

techniques for maximum enjoyment. After some kissing and massage action, get him into position for a little Princeton Belly Rub. If he likes this, he may get close to climax, so be careful not to let him pass the point of no return. Go back to some hugging and nipple action to cool him down for a couple of minutes. Next, have him lie on his back, then it’s your option to do manual labor, oral action or both. You can work on yourself a bit during this, too, and he should figure out that it’s his turn to do the same to you.

When you both feel really hot and bothered, and you think it’s time to let it rip, then move into position for some
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
M&Ms. Lie on your back, and have him straddle above you on his knees. You may want to work a little of your hand magic on him for a bit to keep things moving. If you haven’t yet, put some lube or lotion on your hand or tummy to keep things going smoothly. Try working in some massage techniques (see chapter 4). When you decide you’re ready, just start handling yourself. Keep your eyes on him so that he knows you’re enjoying watching him, and he should overcome any shyness about tossing off.

WAIT HERE

So your next question is “What do I do while I’m waiting for him?” Even though you may be thinking about how your nails look, it’s probably not a good idea to whip out your Revlon and start polishing. Ideally, if you’re doing M&Ms, you should both be able to have orgasms at around the same time. In rare instances, however, your guy may take a lot longer than you.

If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll want to help him along as much as possible. While he’s tossing off, whip out all your tips and work on his nipples, inner thighs, buttocks and testicles. He should get a charge out of that. Holding his testicles with one hand and pressing around the base of his shaft in the L formation should also bring him closer to orgasm.

If he needs a little more lube, squirt some onto his penis or into his working hand. Maggie swears that you’ll encounter this about as often as you’d see Ed McMahon walking up your driveway with a $10 million check. Danny says to see his notes on Pig Dick (chapter 12).

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The important thing to remember is that you don’t want to seem uninterested in his orgasm, and the truth is, you probably
are
interested in it. He’ll like your hands massaging and touching him, so he doesn’t feel like he’s flying solo. He’ll also like it if you gaze admiringly at Mr. Stiffy and give him a warm, affectionate sigh of happiness for a job well done. That way, he’ll know you’re happy and that it’s okay for him to let loose, too. So hold on, relax and enjoy the view.

CALL ME

All this brings us to another set of “do not enter” alternatives where the participants can be across town, or across the globe, depending on your budget. Phone sex can offer a hot and heady experience when both partners go about it with gusto. Unlike those naughty late-night ads on the adult station offering men and women waiting to talk to you, we’re talking about phone sex between two partners who are equally involved. You may think, “Why bother?”—but it’s something you might try. If you want to get an idea of what it’s like, or what to say, try calling one of the gay or straight 900 numbers. Just be prepared with something to tell your husband when he questions the phone bill.

Our friend Margie had several romantic encounters with a guy we’ll call Richard, whom we all met in our friendly neighborhood bar. He was handsome, smart, funny and, more important, one of the sexiest guys she had ever met. We had to agree. This guy was such a seductive talker that it took her a while to figure out that he probably had a wife and kids somewhere in the suburbs.

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When Margie moved away, Richard would occasionally call for a friendly chat, but the conversation invariably turned to sex. At first, she was reluctant to even answer when he asked her to describe what she was wearing, her underwear, or lack of it, and if she was getting hot while talking to him. She thought it was stupid, but she also found it more than a little intriguing. Richard would describe what she wore and what she did when they met. He would tell her how hard he was getting while he talked to her. He flattered, he teased, he moaned, and he sweet-talked her into putting her hand inside her own panties. While she was no stranger to self-stimulation, Margie had never done anything like this before. But Richard was a master. She remembered the delectable feel of his body on top of her, his large and velvety penis, and his mouth and hands caressing her body. To make a long story short, he was able to talk them both to orgasms over the phone. Whew!

The best phone sex is between two people who have already experienced at least some degree of sex together. Just imagine how hot you could get your husband if he called you one night while working late at the office. Don’t use words he’s never heard, or refer to things you’ve never done. If you usually call his penis something cute, he won’t buy it when you start calling it a “hot rod to heaven.” As with all our recommendations, you need to be an active participant in this scenario, too. Remember, he can’t see your face, so he needs to hear it in your voice. You’ll also want to make sure that he’s as into it as you are, or your conversation might end up being the entertainment at the next Rotary Club meeting.

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CYBERSEX

On-line sex chats seem to fascinate many guys of a certain age and with the right equipment. We used to think this kind of thing was just for wonks, but one night, at an upscale, gay party, some pretty sophisticated guys were glued to the com-puter monitor as digitized nude photos of Brad Pitt appeared on the screen. The guys began to type out a raunchy dialogue with other cybersouls. Most admitted that, every once in a while, they liked to enter the chat rooms on sex.

Cybersex involves communicating with men you’ve never met. Some guys are content to let their loves live on-line. Our friend Christopher, however, hooks up with guys from the Internet all the time. He agrees to meet them on a certain corner, checks them out on the fly and, if they’re not to his liking, keeps on walking. Cybersex may lead to a date, an affair, or even marriage. Just be prepared that your on-line loverboy may turn out be a troll, and not the “SWM, handsome, athletic, professional” guy you expected.

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11

Go for the Gold Ring!

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Once upon a time, there were two perfectly respectable career women who thought they might like to check out the pleasures of vibrators. It’s not that they weren’t getting it at home, it’s just that they knew that modern conveniences such as food processors made life a whole lot easier, and they both bonded big time with their cell phones. They were ready to try out some new mechanical devices and to spice things up a bit.