Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (10 page)

ALTERED STATES

Women need to know that balls change shape, size, consistency and even location at different times. This may sound odd, but there’s really nothing in the female anatomy to compare this to, so you’ll have to believe us. Sometimes, such as when they’re warm, for example, balls hang low and loose. Other times, when they’re cold, or about to explode, they’re high and tight. At the beginning of your sexual encounter, his balls are likely to be loose, making them easy for you to hold and fondle.

Regardless of hairiness, balls have a baby-smooth spot on the underside. Just stroking him softly there will make him moan. If you’re sitting side by side, gently slide your hand beneath his balls, and use your middle finger to reach this spot with a light tickle touch. Use the other hand to stroke his penis.

While we don’t recommend this for driving in a car, it’s a great way to let him know that you’re feeling frisky while you’re watching TV together. Just remember to be careful of your nails, or ecstasy will turn to agony pretty quickly.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
PLAY BALL TECHNIQUES

The first and most important tip is that you should hold the balls in a way that will keep them from being unwieldy. We’ve already told you a preferred way to hold them (see chapter 5) by making a ring around the top of the sac with your thumb and forefinger. Again, perfect your grip with inanimate objects before tackling the real thing. Since we had no friends willing to offer themselves as guinea pigs, Maggie created a reasonable facsimile for hands-on practice by dropping two small, peeled hard-boiled eggs into a small plastic bag. The objective of this grip is to keep the balls together in one neat unit, but this technique also has the added advantage of smoothing out the crinkly skin.

Once you perfect the basic ring-around-the-sac hold, you can use this technique to supplement your fabulous new manual skills. Just as some women like a hand on their breast while the guy’s other hand, or mouth, is down south, some guys will love having their penis and balls get equal attention.

This will probably be a new delight for couples who have been together for some time, and a definite plus for new partners.

Besides, he’ll be so surprised that you even thought about his balls, you will forever hold a revered place of honor in the mythic rating book that all guys keep in the back of their minds.

If the man is on his back, with the woman kneeling between his legs or straddling his thighs, it’s possible to use one’s dominant hand for tossing him off while the other
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hand circles the sac and cups the balls from beneath. This also works if the woman is on her back with the guy straddling her waist. One hand pumps while the other hand fondles. Granted, this will take a bit of coordination, but you
can
do it with practice. Just make sure you close your eyes if you’re directly in the line of fire. The same sac-holding technique works perfectly as an accompaniment to oral activities.

Now for some advanced tips that will send him into ecstasy.

You can vary your foreplay and spice up a massage by having him lie on his back as you lick, kiss and tickle him all over.

Undoubtedly, Mr. Stiffy will begin his skyward ascension.

Very softly, and with the fleshy part of your fingers, start at the top of his penis and glide your fingers all the way down the underside, continuing onto the top of his balls, just like you would stroke a cat. His dick may be twitching so much that you might have to hold it down with one hand as you work your up-and-down magic with the other. Continue this delicious teasing, going back and forth, until he can’t stand it, or until you’re both so hot that it’s time to move on to the grand finale.

Another place you may not know about is what gay guys call the “taint,” as in “t’ain’t your balls, t’ain’t your bottom.”

This little spot located between his testicles and back door is exquisitely sensitive. Stroking, lightly scratching, or even massaging him here can send him over the edge faster than you can say Niagara Falls. So you may want to save this maneuver until you’re ready to open the floodgate.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
CONSTANT COMMENT

Returning to our informal poll of straight men, lots of them said that a woman had licked their balls, but not one man could remember any woman putting both of his balls into her mouth at once. Until our friend Laurie tried it, she just couldn’t fathom all that stuff in her mouth at once. But with the ring-around-the-sac technique holding the balls together, and with a little practice, she agreed this was totally doable. In gay circles, this common practice is often referred to as teabagging. This can easily be adapted into your repertoire by having the man straddle above with his testicles dangling over your mouth.

Use one hand to circle the top of the sac and gently pull down to bring the balls together into that neat package. Being extremely careful to cover your teeth with your lips, take his sac into your mouth and give him a licking he’ll never forget. We guarantee he’ll think you are the coolest and most creative lover he’s ever had, and he’ll probably be much more adventurous when it’s his turn to please you.

By this time, we hope we’ve convinced you of the importance of paying attention to his
cojones
. There is no doubt about it, men like having their balls held, licked and stroked. But there’s one last tip we’d like to mention. Play ball techniques should not be limited to foreplay, manual and oral activities. Holding a guy’s balls during intercourse may require a bit of coordination, but you don’t really need to be an Olympic athlete, or have arms as long as an ape. If he’s on top, reach down either under your leg or between the two of you and gently grab them. The further up a woman’s legs are

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Play Ball

pulled, the easier it is to gain access. If you’re on top, try to control any jerky movements. Your hand grip should be firm enough to let him know you’re there, but not so tight as to restrict the thrusting motions. And by all means, let go when things get really acrobatic, or as soon as he begins to climax.

You’ve already scored as the most valuable player in this ball game.

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8

A Quick Course on Condoms

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
WHY

Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last ten years, you know that condoms are now
de rigeur
and have had quite a resurgence in popularity. Not including water-filled window launchings, a favorite pastime of prepubescent and fraternity boys, condoms serve two purposes. They keep you from getting sick and they keep you from getting pregnant. If your situation is such that you needn’t think about such things, you are fortunate, indeed. If you plan to stick to some of the interesting safe sex alternatives we offer, no problem. But for those who will be confronting the reality of rubber, we offer these tips.

Even if a guy is totally responsible, dealing with condoms poses several possible situations you may have to handle and overcome. Gay men are eminently qualified to offer tips you can really use.

WHO

Every situation is different, and you know best about which guys in your bed do or don’t require this equipment. Some straight men wonder if they’ll be perceived as overly cocky if they just happen to have a condom around. Gay men don’t give this a second thought and neither should you. The rule of thumb is that if you’re at his place, he should have condoms handy, and vice versa when you’re on your own turf. Consider it being a well-prepared host or hostess. But since we all know that straight guys can be lousy hosts, you have to be ready for action wherever you may be.

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A Quick Course on Condoms

If the situation arises at your place and you don’t hear the rustle of foil, just reach for your bedside condom container (see chapter 2). A word of advice here: Even if you purchased a case of condoms in preparation for entertaining the new first-year law class, it’s probably wise to keep only a reasonable number, say two to four, in the container by your bed. Gay men realize that their partners have sex with others. Straight men, on the other hand, don’t want to think that you’re entertaining the troops, so it’s best to appear prepared but not professional. As a matter of fact, it’s a good idea to separate each condom from the perforated strip beforehand, like stamps, so your partner doesn’t feel like he’s taking a number at the bakery on a Sunday morning.

If you end up at his place, a little advance work is necessary.

On a first-time visit, he will probably show you around. This is a good time to scope things out. You can hang up your coat, but hold on to your handbag. Almost immediately he’ll turn on the stereo and ask if you want a beverage. This would be a good time to ask for your glass of ice water. You can pretty much bet that the action will take place wherever two people can be horizontal and still hear the music. Plop down your handbag somewhere around this area. In the event that he grabs you as soon as he gets to the bedroom part of the tour, your handbag is still with you, and you can fling it somewhere near the bed in a fit of passion. It doesn’t matter if this is your first visit or not. If he doesn’t make the move to get a condom, just do it! You’ll know when the moment is right.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
WHEN

It may be that wearing a condom doesn’t feel as great as skin to skin, but in this day and age, riding bareback is definitely not an alternative. Suppose you encounter a guy who whines because he doesn’t want to wear one. You may find it hard to believe that some guys think they’re being totally original when they say, “It’s like taking a shower with a raincoat on.”

Besides being really stupid, this negative analogy equates a condom with an article of clothing one wears in nasty weather.

You must redirect this fashion thinking immediately, and concentrate on other articles of clothing that bring to mind positive, fun and pleasurable associations. The best argument we’ve heard goes something along these lines: “You wouldn’t go running without your sneakers, skating without skates or diving without a wet suit, would you?” You need to wear the right gear for the activity. And that’s exactly what this is about—getting all dressed up appropriately to go to the party.

Even your macho, hot-to-trot Latin lover will understand that he has to wear a party sombrero if he wants to go to the fiesta.

WHAT

While any port will do in a storm, an informal poll says the condom of choice is a brand called Kimono. The Micro Thin Plus type is especially nice for him. Kimono condoms come in all sorts of varieties to suit any preference. Lifestyles brand is also recommended. And, for your purposes, these are a little more ladylike than Trojans, Ramses or some other butch-sounding brand names.

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A Quick Course on Condoms

Kimono also makes a product called Aqua-Lube, which is perfect for inside and out except that it doesn’t come in a pump bottle yet. Never use Vaseline, because it can break down the latex in the condom. Never use products with fragrance, because they can be irritating to both of you. Avoid condoms with extra spermicide, such as nonoxynol 9, if either of you begins to burn or itch. Lambskin condoms are old hat and don’t protect against disease. We don’t recommend them.

But…one guy we know was truly creative when his receptive partner said that he had an allergy to latex. Our friend sprang into action and put a lambskin condom over a latex one. This, in gay circles, is known as a “double bagger,” but you have to be careful that they don’t rub together and break, or that they’re not so lubed up that they can slide right off.

A while back, there was a big marketing push for condoms with bumps and ridges. One ad in men’s magazines used to promise “a thousand tiny fingers urging a woman to let go.”

If speed bumps make you tingle, then go ahead, knock yourself out. But he couldn’t care less.

Ditto on the “artistic” varieties, unless these fall in line with a particularly festive theme for the evening. Of course, there are always some guys who like to feel like GI Joe when they wear camouflage condoms that boast “don’t let them see you coming.” Maybe you’ve known a couple of bozos who like the carnival colors? Or the scout troop leader who went wild for the glow-in-the-dark kind? These are novelties and should be treated as such. More important, these things are often of inferior quality. Unless you’re partying with Homer Simpson, forget the costumes and cutesy stuff.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
If you are in a tryst where your partner presents you with a flavored condom, that’s your cue for some super-safe oral action. Remember, he’s not the one who’s going to be tasting it.

If you’re going to make this part of your regular repertoire, try a brand called Kiss of Mint, which doubles as a light breath freshener.

WHERE

If you are traveling, and that could mean being on a date across town, keep a couple of condoms handy and accessible in the same way that you would a wallet, passport or camera. You never know when a great photo opportunity will arise. Maybe you’ll end up at his place after a date. If he never has anything but beer in the fridge, don’t expect him to have condoms either.