Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (18 page)

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Authors: Dan Anderson,Maggie Berman

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Better etiquette would be to have a handy tube of
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Binaca spray under your mattress. Spray some in your mouth, tell him to
open up, and spritz some in his mouth, too. Then just grab it! I bet he’ll
never even mention the breath spray
.

Dear Dan: I’ve got this guy who has been my friend for a long time.

We go to parties together. We spend Saturday nights together. We watch videos together, eating popcorn with my head in his lap. It’s really frustrating because he never does anything sexual. How do I turn this friend into a lover?

Platonically Peeved in

Potomac (Maryland)

Dear Peeved: Just grab it!

Dear Dan: If I go down on an uncircumcised guy and his penis isn’t hard yet, do I pull back the skin so the top shows or do I put my lips around all that skin?

Flustered by Foreskin

Frankfurt, Germany

Dear Flustered: Try putting your lips around it and gently play with the
foreskin with your tongue; then push the skin back, hold the base, put it in
your mouth and prepare for the great awakening
.

Dear Dan: You used to be able to tell by the wet spot, but now that guys use condoms and peel them off after sex, I don’t know if they really had an orgasm or not. Is there any way to tell?

Doubtful in Dallas

(Texas)

160

Dear Dan

Dear Doubtful: I was shocked to learn that more men, gay and straight,
are faking orgasms these days. It just didn’t seem like it would ever be an
issue, but then I read an article about a straight guy who fakes it the first
time around so his girlfriend will think he can do it twice. Nonetheless, if
your guy grunts and groans, and then jumps up to flush it down the toilet,
you’ll never know for sure. If he falls asleep immediately, he either had an
orgasm or was too tired to begin with
.

Dear Dan: I think the guy I’ve started going out with is gay. He’s a responsive lover, and works his butt off in bed. But I just have this nagging feeling. How can I know for sure?

Wondering in West

Hollywood (California)

Dear Wondering: It sounds as though you have nothing to complain about,
but we understand that sometimes it’s just nice to know. Maybe the guy
doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know or simply hasn’t come to terms with
things yet. There are a few things, however, that offer pretty good clues.

Check out his CD collection. Does he have recordings of Broadway musicals,
or groups like Nine Inch Nails? When he has you over to his place, does he
serve canapés and Lillet, or pop open a couple of brewskies? Does he have
more hair and beauty products in his bathroom than you? You can’t argue
with the evidence
.

Dear Dan: I can have multiple orgasms. Sometimes my partner wiggles around after orgasm to make it happen a
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
second time. How long does a guy take before he can do it again?

Impatient Lucy

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Dear Impatient: You may want to check out the answer to Doubtful in
Dallas’s question (page 161). Assuming your guy actually does have an
orgasm, figure it will take him about zero to five minutes if he’s in his teens,
five to ten if he’s in his twenties, ten to twenty until he hits about forty.

After that, you’d better count on taking a shower, washing and drying
your hair, and doing your nails in between. Three coats of polish!

Dear Dan: I love having oral sex with my boyfriend, but he never goes down on me. Is there anything I can do to make this more enticing to him?

Delta Queen

Beaver Dam, Wisconsin

Dear Delta: Stop going down on him
.

Dear Dan: I really like this new guy I’ve been seeing, but his penis turns me off. What should I do?

Grossed Out in Grosse

Pointe (Michigan)

Dear Grossed. That depends on how bad it is compared to how much you
want him. If the good outweighs the bad, just close your eyes and think of
Brad Pitt
.

162

Dear Dan

Dear Dan: Is it true that the size of a guy’s fingers and feet tell you about the size of his manhood?

Sizewise

Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Size: There seems to be a general correlation between fingers, feet and
phallus, but imagine how exciting it would be to find the exception to the
rule. Or, how disappointing
.

Dear Dan: I am lucky to have a really passionate partner, but sometimes he’s so overenthusiastic that I feel like I’m in some gymnastic competition. I want him to relax so I can close my eyes and fantasize. How do I tell him to be smooth instead of being a cheerleader?

Pooped in Piscataway

(New Jersey)

Dear Pooped: Gay men know to take the cue from their partner. We
generally get the idea that if our partner uses a light touch, then he likes a
light touch. I should think this would work for you, too. Try putting him
flat on his back while you gently massage him and work some manual-oral
action on him. Unless he’s totally dense, he should figure out that you
might like the same tempo
.

Dear Dan: Is there any real use for pubic hair? My husband thinks it would be sexy if I shave, but I think I need the hair for a buffer.

Sick of Lady Schick

Sharpsville, Indiana

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Dear Sick: Pubic hair functions as more than a buffer. The close
concentration of texture actually keeps a warm scent in one place and,
according to an anthropologist friend, was nature’s original design for
attracting the opposite sex. Whether your partner likes you hairy, hairless,
or with heart-shaped pubes is purely a matter of aesthetics
.

Dear Dan: My boyfriend has this thing for putting food you-know-where. I’m no prude, but most of the stuff ends up on the sheets, and I feel like I’m sleeping in a garbage pail. What’s the word on food?

Fed Up in Fruita

(Colorado)

Dear Fed Up: Gross! Gay men don’t do this, and why should you? Tell
him if he’s hungry to stop at Burger King on the way over
.

Dear Dan: My husband has always fallen fast asleep right after he has an orgasm. Is there any way to keep him alive for round two?

Revved Up in Reno

(Nevada)

Dear Revved: Even cars with the best mileage need to be refueled. His
turnaround time depends on his age, probably more than he would like to
admit. After an orgasm, his penis is still too sensitive for direct stimulation,
but don’t let your hands leave his body. Gently stroking his chest, thighs
and stomach will let him know that you’re still interested. Needless
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Dear Dan

to say, setting the clock radio, turning off the light or smoking a cigarette
are sure signs to call it a night
.

Dear Dan: My boyfriend has said he would love it if I tied him up and drove him crazy. I can figure out the part about making him crazy, but are there any special things to do or say while I’m tying the knots?

Tied Up in Tulsa

(Oklahoma)

Dear Tied: I’d certainly be curious to know what you would do to drive
him crazy. While you’re tying him up, tell him about the merit badge you
earned for knot-tying in Girl Scouts, rub your body against his, and kiss
him where he’s never been kissed before to keep Mr. Stiffy at attention
.

Dear Dan: What are some good lines for an Internet sex chat room, and how can I tell if the guy on the other end is old enough to vote yet?

On-line in Onancock

(Virginia)

Dear On-line: Chat lines, by their very nature, are designed for fantasy,
so go wild. Just make sure you don’t accidentally send one of your sexy
sign-ons to the office E-mail. As for your second question, if he talks a lot
about Winona Ryder, you can bet he’s barely got a driver’s license
.

Dear Dan: I went out with this guy and saw his body for the first time at the beach. He was really hot, but his back
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
and shoulders were covered with more hair than a monkey. How can I politely suggest he get rid of the fur coat?

Jungle Judy

Tarzana, California

Dear Judy: Get him a gift certificate to your waxing salon. Throw in a
massage while you’re at it, so he doesn’t feel to put out
.

Dear Dan: Help! What if I’m at a hotel and don’t have my usual nightstand accessories?

Trysting in Trieste (Italy)

Dear Tryster: Ask him to run down the hall for ice. In the meantime, get
your glass of water ready, tuck your condoms under a magazine, and move
the mini-bottle of hand lotion from the bathroom to the boudoir
.

Dear Dan: Is there any way to keep sex fresh after being married for twenty years?

Hitched and Hot

Long View, Kentucky

Dear Hitched: The tips in this book will undoubtedly put a tiger in his tank.

We’ve always felt that your best shot at great sex is usually with someone
you’ve loved for a long time. So test these tips, impassion your partner,
and have a great time!

166

About the Author

Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman have been best friends for over a decade. They live in New York and Philadelphia.

Credits

SEX TIPS FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN FROM A GAY MAN. Copyright © 1997 by Anderson/Berman, Inc. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of PerfectBound™.

PerfectBound™ and the PerfectBound™ logo are trademarks of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

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