Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (30 page)

Our friend Don, a chef, once dumped a girlfriend because she refused to have sex any place other than a bed. Maybe it was because of his profession, but for whatever reason, he was obsessed with doing it on the dining room table. When she said no, he tossed her out like last week’s lunch special. What is this about kitchens and dining rooms, anyway? We know two guys who had a hot hookup—really hot—because appar-ently they did it on the stove. If your guy wants red-hot sex, that’s fine with us, but stay away from the burners or you might end up as Stove Top stuffing.

One final note: Beware of rough surfaces. As you bounce around on the floor, the sofa, the chair or whatever, keep in mind that even the softest Oriental carpet can leave bad brush burns on elbows and knees.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man

“A BACK DOOR GUEST IS ALWAYS BEST”

That line is on a plaque outside the back door of a friend’s parents’ house. For some reason, we always get a little chuckle out of it, considering that the friend’s mom is about as uptight as they come. According to our straight friend Don, backdoor sex feels different because of the angle and tightness of the channel. To a guy on the receiving end, the penis stimulates his prostate gland, which can lead to an orgasm. This is not the case with a woman’s anatomy. Nonetheless, some women love the sensation, some hate it, and some are indifferent.

Several people, gay and straight, have described the feeling of backdoor sex in three simple words: “pain, then pleasure.” It’s definitely uncomfortable at first, but once your muscles relax and you start moving, it feels great—and this comes from both straight women and gay men.

Massaging the bottom will definitely help prepare you for backdoor sex by relaxing your muscles and stimulating the general area. If the guy wants it, then he should know this, and should be prepared to give you one fabulous body massage before going any further. The most important thing to remember if you’re going to try this is that, no matter what, you must add lubrication, because the parts don’t get wet by themselves.

While he’s applying a condom and lubricant to himself, you can put a little K-Y jelly on your fingertips and gently apply it to the outer area, then put a dab or two inside. The guy should know how to do this for you, but you may want to do it yourself to make sure

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you’re properly primed for backdoor action. The next key thing, and this is where a lot of straight guys seem to blow it, is that he must enter you very slowly, stop for a few seconds, and then continue. And, for whatever reason, practice does make it easier each time.

Master Tung-hsuan went on to describe such exotic positions as the Winding Dragon, Bamboos by the Altar, and Phoenix Holding Its Chicken. We think these names are cute, but by adding a few new twists and angles to what you already know, you will become a most honored guest. One of our favorite position stories involves a friend we’ll call Margie, who had been lucky enough to have a string of steamy sexual encounters. Leaving the boudoir of her beau, Margie raced out ten minutes late to her weekly yoga class, and came in just as the instructor was telling the class to assume the dog position.

Feeling extra perky, and glad that she could figure it out, Margie got down on her hands and knees, pertly protruding her rump. It was then that the instructor calmly corrected her:

“I said the dog position, Margie. Not the doggie position.”

LOVE TAPS

Love taps are pretty common in gay sex. Just a quick, not-too-hard whack right in the center of the buttock seems to do the trick. The top man will often do this to the bottom during intercourse, and it feels good because the bottom is so sensitized during backdoor sex already. But it will also feel great to the guy on top because you’re ringing all his bells at
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
once. You may try delivering a few light taps to your guy during intercourse to see how he likes it. This might be compared to nipple action; he’ll either like it or not. But it’s a pretty safe bet that no one’s ever done it to him before, so why not give it a try?

HOW TO TALK DIRTY, IF YOU MUST

During a sojourn in France, Danny had a wonderful affair with a hot French guy. Between Danny’s limited French and the guy’s complete lack of English, there wasn’t a whole lot to the relationship other than sex, but it was fabulous. The feisty Frenchman had a way with words in bed, and would murmur various French phrases in his deep, sexy voice. Danny loved it, having no idea that the guy was actually saying all sorts of filthy things. In this case, at least, talking dirty was something he enjoyed without even knowing it. Maggie, on the other hand, strongly recommends knowing a little of the local lingo.

When a hot Spaniard she was fooling around with moaned,

“
Adentro, adentro
,” her long-ago Latin training convinced her that “dentro” had something to do with teeth, and she started giving him gentle love bites. Each time he urgently whispered

“
adentro, adentro
,” she would bite a little harder, convinced that he was loving this. Only later, after consulting her Speedy Spanish translator, did she realize he meant “inside.”

Let us continue by saying that neither of us is a big fan of talking during sex, but so many guys seem to get off on it that we felt we needed to offer a few tips. The key thing to
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remember, and gay guys certainly are aware of this, is that what you actually say doesn’t matter at all. Women may long to hear something romantic, but guys are only thinking about their Heavenly Dragon Pillars. It’s all about delivery: What turns the guy on is the sultriness in your voice, the low, almost hushed murmurs, the subtle compliments to his manhood and prowess. Talking dirty is one case where you will definitely be performing, so if your guy is into it, just go deep into your method acting and really let go. Deliver your lines in the absolute lowest, sexiest voice you can. If you’re feeling really goofy about this, here are some suggested topics that fall into two basic categories. The first deals with him: how hard he is, how big he is, how hot his body is, how he makes you feel so sexy, etc. The second set deals with you: you want him to go faster, to go harder, you love his sweaty body on yours…you get the picture. Just don’t go overboard, or he may figure you’ve been getting it on the side at the local truck stop.

So now you’ve rung all the bells, your yin and yang essences have been released, and your golden cleft and his jade stalk are in happy harmony. Proper gay etiquette says that you should offer him a warm, moist towel before he rolls over and drifts happily to sleep. Not only will he remember your gracious hospitality, but it will keep your Polo sheets from getting crusty.

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10

“Do Not Enter” Alternatives

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Many straight folks seem to think that all gay men do is have intercourse. Not true! Gay guys are masters of the “do not enter” alternative. We can’t figure out why so many straight people think that there’s no sex without penetration. We know straight men and women who have slept with someone and done everything except intercourse but still don’t consider that sex. We think this fallacy might have evolved from traditional notions which dictated that brides be virgins. In other words, the back way was okay, but access to the front door required a ring.

Before the sexual revolution of the sixties, most folks knew that their sexual encounters would probably not end in intercourse. Before a date, guys premeditated their strategy with the precision of a field marshal and plotted every move to get from first base to a home run. They knew which girls would put out and which girls would put them through the ringer before they might score.

Girls knew how to play the game, too. To maintain their reputations, it was their duty to say no as long as they could and still keep the guy interested, notwithstanding his wails of desire and complaints about the dreaded blue balls. Girls also knew that good girls got married, nice girls were popular, and going all the way meant that you were branded the school nymphomaniac, destined for heartache, ridicule and social ruin. If you don’t believe us, check out Doris Day in
That Touch
of Mink
, or Natalie Wood in
Splendor in the Grass
. Or listen to Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” The birth control pill changed all that, and such military maneuvers were as out as white-gloved tea parties. We refer you here to
Beyond
the Valley of the Dolls
.

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“Do Not Enter” Alternatives

Well, guess what? Times have changed, and the nineties look a lot like the fifties again. Women are gobbling up advice that their mothers rebelled against. The old “good girl” has been replaced by the “rules girl,” whose basic credo is “no, no, no” until the ring is on her finger. Whether you’re a rules girl, or a party girl, or haven’t thought about what type of girl you are in a long time, doesn’t matter. There are other, real reasons why “do not enter” has become so popular again. What’s more, these activities can be loads of fun, alleviate sexual monotony, and add spice to a humdrum routine. Gay men have elevated them to an art form, so get ready to perfect your pièce de résistance.

SOAP OPERAS

Talk about keeping it clean! Splashing around in the tub can be just as much fun now as it was when you were a kid. Only now there are two of you. Getting into a warm bath together has several advantages: You get relaxed, you get excited, you get off and you get clean. Maggie always thought that erections were impossible in warm water, but after Danny told her about an adventure in a hot tub under the Santa Fe stars, she changed her mind.

The recipe is pretty simple. Find a couple of inflatable neck pillows, run a bath, and add an invigorating herbal scent instead of something flowery. Get inside, relax for a while, and let your fingers do the walking. Add bath gel or mild soap, and let your hands do the rest. Pull yourself closer so your legs go over his thighs, soap up Mr. Stiffy, and go to town.

You can vary the standard bathtub hand job by nestling
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
behind him. Sit upright while he reclines against your chest.

Start with a back, shoulder or head massage while you kiss and lick his neck. Reach around him, or slide your hands under his arms, so that you can nab his nipples. Again, work your soapy hands lower and watch his grower become a show-er.

Obviously, this technique works well on you with the positions reversed.

Extolling the virtues of cleanliness, Danny has always been more of a shower person. It’s pretty easy to figure out that you can do just about anything standing up that you can do lying down. You can give a guy a pretty vigorous hand workout standing face to face, reaching from behind him, or with you on your knees. Whenever you’re engaging in shower action, keep your back to the water so that your face isn’t constantly bombarded by shower spray. And don’t forget the rubber bath mat. You want him to swoon in ecstasy, but you don’t him want to slip and crack his head open. Moreover, your knees will be a lot happier with a little cushioning.

Speaking of being down on your knees, you might want to try some oral action while you’re both in the morning shower.

Start with hugs, kisses and soaping him up all over. Drop that little inflatable pillow on the floor of the tub, kneel on it, and don’t forget to come up for air every once in a while. The water will feel great on both of your heads and, when you’re done, you might suggest that he try working with that pulsating shower massager on you.

Maggie fondly remembers a morning-after tryst in the shower with a strapping Norwegian grad student. He had her bend at the waist, arms outstretched, with her hands
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“Do Not Enter” Alternatives

against the wall for support. Keeping her legs pressed tightly together, he slid his soaped-up shaft back and forth between her thighs. Then he turned her around and continued face-to-face. Swearing that cleanliness and godliness went hand in hand, she rated him “A+” for being such an advanced student.

PRINCETON BELLY RUB

And while we’re on the subject of school, let’s talk about a drier technique which, in Danny’s circle at least, is called the Princeton Belly Rub. When Danny was a student at Columbia, the Princeton boys used to come up to the big city for weekends of fun and frolicking. So many of them were fond of the same technique that it eventually became known as the Princeton Belly Rub. Danny fondly remembers one history student from Princeton who was so good at it that he’s earned a treasured place in Danny’s personal history.

The basic position is face-to-face, lying down. The guy on top is in a push-ups position, with elbows bent or on the bed.

Penises go side by side, and then the top guy rocks back and forth using his toes for leverage. It feels great, and the fellow on the bottom can glide, too, till he finds a spot that’s good for him. The beauty of the belly rub for two guys is that they can ejaculate at almost the same time, wash up and head out for a cocktail. For you, it will work best if your legs are open and his legs are straight out, between yours. Then, he can press Mr. Stiffy against your love button. You might try massaging his buttocks or nipples while he’s doing