Shackles of Honor (47 page)

“It…it was unintentional. I was out…walking
,
and I…”
S
he had buried herself now
,
and she knew it.

The set of his mouth was firm and yet mocking. “This…this conversation you happened upon then. Some time ago, was it not?” Cassidy nodded. “After you first came here, am I right?” Again she nodded, for she was sorely humiliated and ashamed. “And in this conversation that you happened upon…was anything promised myself and the second party of said conversation? You heard it, did you not? The entire conversation?” Cassidy took a step back from him and nodded. “Then well you know what transpired there! Nothing of impropriety. Nothing to give you cause to continue in accusing me of such things. The book was lent to me by Gabrielle, yes. But for reasons that you cannot fathom. You! You in your insecurities, and I allow that many are founded, you cannot fathom her reasons for wanting me to read this book of sap! Evoke thoughts? Yes! But not of Gabrielle. I am sorry to tell you that my misery where you are concerned has nothing to do with having given up Gabrielle.”

Cassidy brushed the tears from her cheeks. Misery, he had said. Misery. “I am sorry,” she squeaked out. “I’m sorry for assaulting your privacy. I’m sorry for falsely accusing you of…of indecent conspiracy. But…but you must understand that…”
S
he could speak no more. The words of confessing love were nearly out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“We’ll not have this conversation again, Miss Shea.” Mason inhaled deeply and rubbed at his chin. The sound of it could be heard in the silence of the room, strong hands against strong whiskers. Angrily, he tugged at his cravat until it gave in and loosened its knot. Pulling it from his neck, he tossed it onto the sofa, followed by his coat. Looking past Cassidy, his jaw still taut with frustration, he unfastened the top buttons of his shirt
,
and again he sighed and rubbed his temples.

“That letter from your brother today,” he began in a lowered voice, still not looking at her, “is he visiting once again? He is always welcome. It’s only that I wonder…is it so terrible here with me that you must ever trust him to come to your rescue? To deliver you from the hands of torment?”

He turned to look at her
,
and by the expression of surrender on his face, she was certain the ache in his head had returned. She was glad he had changed the subject and let her escape this time without reprimand for being suspicious of him still.

“I cannot deny that I am lonely
,
a
bit melancholy for home. It would be expected from anyone
. E
ven had I known you and your family forever…longing for home would be expected.” She felt so foolish in her answer.

Again he closed his eyes tightly, frowning deeply as if trying to force the pounding in his skull into oblivion. She said nothing
,
and he suddenly returned to the previous subject.

“Gabrielle and I grew up near to each other always. I’ll not lie to you that there was a time my thoughts were irrational…that I thought of defying my father’s wishes when I reached the age that it was deemed I should fulfill them. But it was mere schoolboy’s folly. Do not deny that when I appeared on your threshold
,
thoughts of escaping with that young Gavin boy entered your mind.” She looked up at him defiantly at first but humbled her expression immediately. “I am committed to you, Bliss. And I say again that it is a true and impenetrable commitment. If it needs be that I say this to you over and over again, day after insufferable day…I will.”

Cassidy winced at the word
commitment
. It sounded so unemotional, so cold. But she did not answer.
Yes!
she wanted to scream.
Yes! Tell me over and over, day after day, and then perhaps I will begin to believe it!

He rubbed at his temples once more and then mumbled, “Do you know that I cannot bear to see you cry?”

“What?” Cassidy whispered, unable to believe she had heard him correctly.

“I cannot tolerate it when you weep. It gives me cause to flog myself somehow.” He rubbed at the back of his neck for a moment before his dazzling eyes captured her gaze once more.

“I…I’m sorry,” she stammered guiltily.

“And you do seem to be the most emotional of young women,” he growled, still rubbing his neck.

Though his words maybe lacked the desired tenderness, Cassidy did recognize his attempt at calming the angry air between them. He inhaled deeply yet again, closed his eyes
,
and let his head fall forward as he rather brutally massaged the back of his neck with one powerful hand.

“So…it’s merely a longing for home that has you begging your brother to return at any given moment then?” Dejectedly he sat down on the sofa, continuing to massage his neck.

“Is it not expected that I would miss him?” she asked quietly.

“Miss him, yes. Miss him to the point of it being torturous to you to stay in my house without him, no.”

Reaching out, he took hold of her hand unexpectedly. She hoped the dim, firelit room made it impossible to discern the goose pimples breaking over her arms as he touched her.

“Just here, if you please,” he ordered as he directed her hand to the back of his neck. “The tautness there is nearly excruciating.” With great trepidation, Cassidy began to work at the tired and sore muscles with her soft, soothing hands. “There is something you’re hiding from me, and do not console yourself with false ideas that I’m not aware of it.” He winced and moaned a moment as she let her thumbs work intensely on a firmly knotted muscle in his shoulder. “A man’s body becomes bruised, you know, from the toil of mind and body upon it.”

“I’ve never doubted that,” she whispered, for he now directed her small hands to a place at the large biceps muscle of his right arm. She continued to stand before him, leaning awkwardly forward as she worked.

“My body reacts to the strenuous course of my life with soreness in muscle. I believe yours releases through tears. And I believe many of the tears I have seen most evident in your eyes and upon your cheeks as of late are attributed to this secret that you are withholding from me.” His eyes were piercing
,
and she knew he would not be put off any longer. “What is it, Bliss? What is it that you are afraid to tell me
,
which in turn prevents my being able to protect you from it?”

Again tears traveled over her cheeks. She dropped her hands immediately and began to turn from him. His hands were at her waist instantly, holding her firmly before him.

At once, all the anxieties she had kept pent up in the darkest corners of her mind, the many unsettling incidents of the past few weeks, rushed forward in a wave of mental admission. Something
was
frightening her, stealing any ounce of security she might grasp at.

“There are…things amiss here where I am concerned,” she stammered through her withheld sobs.

“Things?”
h
e repeated. “What things?”

“I…I…things! Objects moved about in my room or disappearing completely…not in the daytime when the maids might have reason
. D
uring the night…while I am asleep. I’ll put my hairbrush on the vanity before I retire…and the next morning find it on the pillow next to me! A book that I’ll have read before sleep comes will…will vanish! I’ll…I’ll set the candle at my bedside…and awake in the night in need of it only to find it sitting on the floor in front of the bedchamber door!”

Mason frowned, confused, inquisitive, and Cassidy immediately felt defensive. “I know you think me mad. That perhaps I’m simply walking about in my sleep…moving the things and forgetting that I’ve done so. But I swear it to you, sir…I swear it to you! Sometimes I wake up in the darkness of the night
,
and I know someone is there! I can feel eyes upon me! Watching me, mocking my fear.”

Cassidy began to tremble as the confession of secrets withheld began to overtake her. Dropping to her knees before him, she was unaware that her hands clutched at the fabric of his trouser legs, holding the cloth tightly in her fists as she spoke. “And there are other things.” Frantically she began to confess the things to him that her own mind had tried to bury, ignore
,
and forget. “I find things in my food. Not often, but several times now. First, a ladybug. I…I shrugged it off. Then a cricket…and I asked Syndle about it. Then two flies in my drink at dinner one night. You were gone. All this when you are gone. The things in my food have only been when you have not been at dinner. Only now do I consciously admit these things to myself! I…I say nothing to your mother
,
for I don’t wish to upset her or have Syndle or cook find themselves in any disfavor for carelessness, and yet…and the men in the woods. I don’t think it accidental that they came upon us.”

Mason continued to frown at her thoughtfully, as if he were not understanding what she had said.

Humiliation, frustration
,
and anxiety caused Cassidy to release her hold on his trousers. She stood, turned from him, walked to the hearth
,
and stood before the fire, staring into the orange and yellow flames burning warm in the hearth. Not having the will left her to be strong, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears fall freely from her eyes. She’d been withholding them all day
,
as she did every day, and now, having confessed her fears to Mason, she could let them release.

After a moment, she raised her head and gazed once more into the fire. Hugging herself, she rubbed her own arms with her hands because, for some reason, though the fire burned hot before her, she felt cold and uncomfortable. The tears continued to roll down her cheeks profusely
,
and she closed her eyes for a moment, trying to block from her sight the thought of Mason Carlisle sitting not far behind her, disbelieving
—m
ost likely thinking he had been betrothed to a madwoman. But his face only came more clearly to her in her mind’s eyes
,
and she felt sickened, weak
,
and alone.

“I again ask
,
why you have kept this from me?” he asked, breaking the long silence between them.

Cassidy startled but did not turn to face him, for she was weeping all the more intensely and did not wish him to view it any longer. Quietly she responded, “What are you thinking, sir? That I am paranoid? Mad?” she muttered.

“No,” he answered
,
and she whirled around to face him, caring not for the moisture on her cheeks as she felt him touch her shoulder. “You again think me weak
-
minded and pompous,” he accused, his eyes traveling thoroughly over her tear-stained face.

“No,” she stammered, wiping at the tears furiously.

“Then why have you kept this from me?” he shouted. “Why haven’t you come to me long before now with this information?”

“Because…because
…
”

“Because you have no faith in me. You think me an ignoramus, an arrogant fool like every other man in our social circle. Blast it, girl! It must needs be that I know these things before I can help you
—b
efore I can endeavor to discover from whence this mischief comes.” Suddenly, unexpectedly
,
and causing Cassidy utter astonishment, Mason dropped on his knees before her. “What do you want from me?” he bellowed.

“Nothing! Nothing! I have asked nothing of you!” She paused, unable to control her sobbing, and Mason dropped his head for a moment before looking up at her again. “I did not ask you to fulfill your father’s demands. I did not ask you to bring me here. I asked only for your fidelity. I’ve not even asked for your time, your attentions. Nothing have I asked of you. And nothing will I!”