Shades of Atlantis (39 page)

He could have stayed and told you the truth, but he didn’t. He broke your heart, she finished in complete certainty. Ben wouldn’t and couldn’t do that to me.

I turned away from them to face the fire hearth and rested my hand on the mantel to steady my shaking body. That’s absurd. You don’t know what you’re talking about. The Council — My voice cracked. It started to creep into my mind that maybe her words were harsh but nearer to the truth than I wanted to admit.

He told me, Ben whispered in a low voice.

I spun around. You spoke to him about all this? I spluttered. Now I understood the supportive gesture when Ben stood up. Caleb knew what he was about to announce.

Ben’s expression softened, becoming more sympathetic. He advised me to go for it.

The ache that was already gaining momentum grew stronger.

The Council already knew he was involved with you by the time of the fire. He said if he was stronger he would have stayed and been with you for whatever time until — His voice trailed off painfully.

My eyes lowered to the ground. Amanda was right; my fury was mis-directed. It was Caleb I was really angry at because he didn’t stay with me, because he stole my memories, because he gave up, and it was slowly dawning on me what the rush to get married was about.

Even if things go our way and Samuel arrives with good news, Ben said solemnly, our time is already limited. We don’t want to waste it. His voice sounded so unnatural and agonized that I couldn’t lift my head.

I was so ashamed of my reaction that I couldn’t breathe. My throat burned as I understood. Amanda would die long before any of us, long before Ben.

He was facing the same thing Caleb had refused to discuss earlier.

I’m sorry, I mumbled feebly. I didn’t think. They approached me together and each placed a hand on one of my shoulders. I looked to Amanda through my narrowed damp eyes. Her face was full of empathy for me, even after I had screamed at them both and ruined their moment of happiness.

Are you sure? I asked Amanda, trying hard to conceal the ache in my voice. Do you really comprehend what you’re doing, what you’re getting into with Ben? With all of us?

She smiled. I’m positive. Wouldn’t you have done the same? I felt ill because she was right; I would have married Caleb in a heartbeat back then if he had been honest about himself. I gave them both a strangled smile, and they hugged me warmly, but it was hard to deny the seed of doubt now planted.

I’m sorry I totally screwed up your big announcement, I forced out, trying not to sob. I refused to go back into the dining room and let Caleb see me with a tear-streaked face or puffy eyes, giving him one more reason to keep me in the dark about things for my own good.

No, Amanda insisted. I’m sorry for being a cow. She was wiping tears away with the back of her hand, and I had to bite my lip to restrain my own.

No, I deserved it. I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry, I insisted.

No, you didn’t deserve that, Amanda sniffled, trying not to smile. We couldn’t even agree who was more in the wrong.

I was about to say again that it was me and ask them both to forgive me when Ben broke in with a deep groan. I didn’t notice him move away from us.

I’m sorry, but I’m starving to death over here while you two grovel to each other. He was already over at the door rubbing his stomach and rolling his eyes comically, clearly trying to move us all on from this.

Amanda beamed at him through her teary eyes before she hugged me again. It will be okay, you’ll see, she whispered.

When we went back into the dining room, Caleb stood, his expression a strange combination of fear and longing. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew he had heard every word of our conversation, including Ben’s confession that he was acting on Caleb’s advice not to wait and Amanda’s accusation that he didn’t love me in the same way because he left. I found myself avoiding his eyes and forcing the same strangled smile I had given Ben and Amanda minutes ago. As I sat, he reached out and stroked my crimson cheek with the back of his fingers; my body reacted, and my heart thumped, but the raw aching remained.

The waiters returned with the plates. I waited for them to finish and then raised my glass.

I think we should probably make a toast, I announced with feigned joy.

They all lifted their glasses, Ben and Amanda grinning at each other tenderly. To new family, I said brightly, and the words felt like razors. Right now family seemed like a pretty rose: nice to look at, but get too close and a nasty hidden thorn is going to make you bleed, and Amanda was willingly joining this mess. There were too many secrets, too many unanswered questions. I had to find a way to make Caleb talk to me and soon. Annice and Joshua smiled at me; like mine, their expressions seemed phony. And to family not present. I directed this to Annice, acknowledging Samuel’s notable absence from the table, as well as remembering Carmel and Lewis.

Annice nodded, confirming she understood.

Later, alone in the early morning with Caleb, I sensed a change in him.

There was an edge to his touch that wasn’t there before. He moved slower, more deliberately, and stared deeply into my eyes as if searching there for a resolution to a conflict raging within him. The blue in his eyes glistened in the light from the street. The ache in me persisted, and for some reason I sensed he was trying to let me go.

Unacceptable

Hello, I whispered groggily into the phone, trying not to wake Caleb, who was still asleep beside me. Neither of us had slept during the night, and it was morning by the time I eventually drifted off, judging by the sounds of bustling traffic and people outside, with Caleb lying beside me still watching the ceiling as if the answers to our problems were written there.

Triona?

John! I exclaimed a little too loudly. I turned to Caleb, but he was still asleep, his smooth perfect chest rising and falling silently. How did you find me? I asked, sliding from the bed carefully. I was in shock for about ten seconds before my foggy brain cleared and I realized exactly how he knew where I was. Amanda, I choked out, infuriated.

Please, Triona, I really need to speak to you. Can you please meet me — just for a few minutes? he pleaded.

I yanked the phone cord from around the bedside table, then went into the next room and very quietly closed the bedroom door. John, seeing as you called me, I explained in hushed annoyance, you obviously know I’m in Dublin.

Eh — yeah, he paused. I knew what was coming next, and I didn’t need any magical powers of foresight. I am too.

What? I screeched, muffling my mouth with my hand and trying to keep my breathing under control. What are you doing here?

I came to take you back.

Oh no, I groaned, sitting down onto the floor with a thump.

Can you please just give me twenty minutes? You owe me that at least, he begged again.

I quickly ran the alternatives through my head. Caleb wakes and hears John on the phone yet another human involved in our mess. John shows up at our hotel room demanding to see me John follows us to Tara and gets himself killed —

Okay, I muttered quietly. Where are you now?

Outside your hotel. There wasn’t an ounce of remorse in his voice.

There’s a coffee place around the side of the bank across the street, I told him. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.

I hung up without another word, not allowing him time to make another suggestion, and went back into the bedroom to grab my jeans, tennis shoes, and a white shirt that was slightly crumpled from my bag. Caleb was still sleeping soundly; he looked so peaceful and beautiful that my stomached lurched and I had to resist an urge to crawl back into the bed beside him. I longed to place my head near his heart, feel his warmth, and breathe in his scent. My hands trembled, and I shook myself back to the present John was waiting. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say or if I was even ready to face him in my new form. I went back into the living room to dress. I noticed as I put my watch on that it was 3:40 and still I felt like I had barely closed my eyes. I slipped some cash into my pocket and headed out the door.

The weather outside was cool, and clouds filled the sky. The city was crowded with people jostling for space on the pavement. I battled my way through them, walking across the cobblestone road to the side door, getting to the coffee house five minutes early. It was busy, but I spotted him straight away, sitting on a high stool at the window to my left. I wasn’t sure if he saw me coming in; he didn’t turn. I walked over to the empty seat beside him, and my breathing was suddenly shallow. An iced lattÈ sat on the counter in front of the seat.

John, I said. My voice sounded hollow.

He twisted in his seat, and his large brown eyes widened, taking in my appearance. You look beautiful, he gasped. His lips spread into a wide grin.

I returned his smile, and my nervousness melted away. It was unexpectedly comforting to see his face again. He rose from his seat and pulled my stool back, allowing me to sit, then retook his own, pulling it closer so that we were no more than inches apart.

It’s good to see you, I said, surprising myself that I really meant it.

His eyes scrutinized me and his expression became more serious. What’s going on, Triona?

I looked away to the coffee in front of me. I’m sorry I left the way I did. Things have been a bit — strange.

I called to talk to you, and Amanda said that your old boyfriend had shown up and taken you away, John said. When I called again to see if you’d been in touch, she said your brother was picking her up and you were all coming to Dublin. I convinced her to let me know where you would be staying.

I don’t imagine she took much convincing, I blurted harshly, despite the fact I knew she probably told him before she knew everything. Anyway it wasn’t like that. He didn’t take me; I came because I wanted to.

Yeah, well. Swings and roundabouts, he grumbled. John’s body was turned toward me. His hand was on the back of my stool, bringing him very close. I traced a line in the condensation on the side of my plastic cup.

I can’t explain — Caleb was — I trailed off, unable to give him the lie about witness protection that Amanda insinuated was a ridiculous excuse once she had found out the real story.

I don’t care what’s going on, why you ran off, or why you look — different. He paused, studying my appearance again. I just want you to come back with me.

I bit my bottom lip to hold back the tears that I could feel threatening because of the hurt in his voice. I can’t, I whispered.

He’s got you into something, whatever it is he’s up to. I can see that much. His tone was harsh and had an edge of anger to it.

It’s not Caleb, I insisted. It’s me. I can’t tell you, but it’s not his fault, and he loves me.

I watched the people walking by on the street outside. John took my hand from the cup and held it; his skin felt warm against mine that were chilled and wet from the cold cup. He leaned closer to me.

Is that why he left you heartbroken, cause he loves you so much? he asked bitterly.

Why did everyone keep throwing that at me? My heart ached at his words. I closed my eyes for a moment. Blocking out the memory of the anguish I’d been in for so long was easy with Caleb around, but it all came back sharply now that he wasn’t here.

Why are you here, John? I muttered, wanting to get away soon. I was finding it hard to deny to myself how oddly good it felt to be sitting here with him in a coffee house, something we’d done time and time again since we met. Normal. It was easy to be in his presence, but hard to know that I was hurting him.

He moved his hand from mine, placed a finger lightly under my chin, and turned my face to him. I love you, Triona. I want to be with you. I opened my eyes to his anxious face. Purple smudges colored the skin under his brown eyes; he looked like he hadn’t slept.

I can make you happy, I know I can. You just have to give me a chance.

You did say there was a chance for us, he finished.

My eyes caught a woman sitting at the table behind us, a coffee and sandwich in front of her. She was dressed casually, and a small shopping bag lay under her seat. She was watching us, and her eyes darted away when she saw me look at her. Her expression was kind, obviously thinking this was some kind of romantic exchange between lovers.

I’m sorry, I said. I never meant to hurt you. Guilt flooded though me with every pump of my heart. I really was happy to see him, this human man who had just told me that he loved me. His eyes gazed at me, hoping against hope that I would tell him what he wanted to hear. I found myself inexplicably wanting to how easy it would be to agree to leave with him now, to go back to London and try to love him. To have a normal life. But I couldn’t. I hated causing him pain, but I wouldn’t for the world allow him to be dragged into my mess. John belonged to a different future than lay before me now, one that no longer existed. My heart began to race thinking about trying to live without Caleb, without his smile and the warmth of his body when he held me.

You are thinking about it. I can see it in your eyes, he pronounced with more confidence.

I shook my head and looked out the window again. No, John, I said sadly, you don’t know who I really am. You never did.